'Yeah, But Like, I Don't Try,' Bloke With 2.9 GPA Reassures Prospective Employer

‘Oh, why didn’t you say so sooner!’, said the Senior Partner at King & Stick Freehalls, beaming excitedly. ‘We love nothing more than a free spirit, broski!’

**************

Fredly Barker (22) is built different, simply put. He doesn’t live by plebeian societal conventions like the rest of us. The man writes his own rules.

When Fredly was born, he had to drive his mum home from hospital. When Fredly goes to the bathroom, a baby unicorn is born. When Fredly decides to wake up, the sun rises with him. He also built the sun with nothing more than toothbrush and a packet of sherbet lemons, as an aside.

He is, without a shadow of a doubt, a phenomena.

But something even more remarkable than these feats is the simple yet brilliant motto that has guided Fredly throughout his brilliant life: Why apply yourself at anything at anytime or anyplace in life, when you can ascribe all of your shortcomings to a lack of giving any sense of a shit about anything?

Quite brilliant.

No more.

"OUT!" Exclaims Australian Border Force to Novak Djokovic

The world number one is reportedly set to take the Australian Government to Court over the decision.

***********

Breaking news out of Melbourne this morning, with local media reporting that Novax Djocovid has been turned around by the Australian Border Force after failing to meet the requirements for entry with a visa.

Novax, who chairs the really average bloke Hall of Fame, has repeatedly publicly stated that getting vaccinated is for commies and people who smoke weed and ride motorcycles.

Nonetheless, the world number one had reportedly anticipated that he would be granted a medical exemption to stay in Australian and compete in the nation’s Grand Slam after advising Aus Open officials that he usually had his five fruit and two veg, and would do the worm if he won the tournament.

However, it was confirmed by the PM this morning, who is bathing in the glory of people being momentarily distracted from waiting three years in queues to get a Covid test, that the Serbian had been served notice to leave the country.

The Serb has confirmed that he will challenge the decision in Court after he was advised that the border had been (grand) slammed shut on him.

No more to come.

Scott Smiles Blankly At Confused Waiter After Forgetting to Order Anything From Menu

“Whoops, haha, silly, goofy me! Just testing you, haha!” joked the PM, ironically.

*********

“Ah, fuck”, Scotty mumbled to himself, as the puzzled waiter at Papa Freddy’s Pizzeria handed over to the PM what could well have been, as far as the he was concerned, a laminated page of hieroglyphics.

“Um, are you going to order anything, sir”, queried the growingly bemused teenage.

“Sorry, what?” quizzed the Prime Minister, genuinely frazzled by the concept of needing to order anything from anybody.

“From the menu, uh, did you want to get anything from it, so you can uh eat?”

“Haha! You’ll have to speak into my good ear, Mario!” quipped the nation’s leader, air high-fiving the portrait of Prince Philip that he’d brought to his local diner.

I maintain that we should have sympathy for the Prime Minister for this lapse in judgement. It had, after all, been a busy day for the daggy dad of two. He’d not only clipped three of his toenails, but he’d also watched half an episode of Young Sheldon and thought about boiling the kettle.

So, while it may seem fairly fucking obvious to the rest of us to order something which may come in handy at a certain time and place, we have to remember that the PM had a lot on his plate. No literally, of course. That would require ordering something.

No more to come.

Shane Warne Quietly Begins Deleting A Few Hotmail Burner Accounts From Back in the Day

‘Yuuuup nothing to see here’ whistled Warnie, as he inconspicuously ventured into the sent items of a few of his old Hotmail accounts, deleting a number of the medium-to-large sized MB photos that he’d sent to Lis Hurley, Marilyn Monroe, and the Pope, amongst others.

***********

Jaw-dropping news struck yesterday, with revelations coming out that an elite, high-paid athlete, with a loving wife and kids, would dare dream of sending unsolicited pictures of his old out-swinging balls to a young female employee.

Cricket Australia have since apologised for thinking it was somehow a good idea to let a bloke cheating on his wife by sending unwanted dick pics to take over as captain from somehow who’d just been stood down for being a cheat.

Turns out the best bloke in the Australian cricket team is still a bit of a flog.

As the news broke that squeaky-clean Paine wasn't as much as a good bloke as what we'd thought, Shane ‘Warnie’ Warne, amongst a cohort of several other former Australian cricketing icons, fortuitously provided no comment on Tim Paine’s indiscretions, instead taking the time to delete a couple of thousand naughty emails that he’d smashed into his windows desktop keyboard on a few drizzling evenings in the 90s.

Investigations into the sexting scandal involving Paine are still ongoing, with our writers not certain on whether the former Australian wicket-keeper captain indeed sent pictures of his genitalia, or just of David Warner’s face. A disgraceful act nonetheless.

Earlier this morning, we contacted the Barmy Army lyricist for comment.

“Couldn’t have cum at a better time, we say! Haha! Wicketkeeper more like keep your dick in your pants you dosser!

No more.

Angus 'Angry' Robertson Spotted Walking Around Campus With the Severed Head of a Former Staffer

"Um, what have you got there, mate?", roommate, campaign manager and former UQLS Secretary, Kurt Munckton, asked Angry, as Robertson returned home to their Lutwyche mansion clutching the noggin of his former communications director. "Oh, it's just my new clarinet, dear one."

*****

"He’s done what?!!!! Who does he think he is?!!?? ANGRY is ANGRY!" bellowed Robertson, as one of his staffers sheepishly advised him that someone had submitted an advanced nomination for the position of UQLS Secretary.

As you can imagine, Robertson’s characteristic rage got the better of him. He murdered everyone in the room. Twice. That’s just the kind of man Robertson has become.

Collecting his effects, and inhaling sharply, Robertson returned to his chambers. As he approached his office door, he stared longingly into the life-sized 1.4m * 0.7m portrait of former UQLS Secretary, Kurt Munckton, that hung in the centre of his campaign headquarters, desperately praying to himself that he would one day secure the approval of Bundaberg’s greatest ever sheep shearer.

"I will not fail you, master. I will finish what you started" pledged Robertson, falling to his knees in front of his most prized possession.

“Whatever it takes”, he muttered, before returning home to continue watching reruns of Grand Designs with his dear roommate.

When news broke a few nights ago that Robertson would be running for the position of Secretary uncontested, we approached Angry for comment. He simply threw us that trademark grin, light up a cigar, and quipped: "Unopposed, you say. God, I love democracy".

Although Robertson appeared blissfully unaware that he may face a challenger from the floor of the AGM, we hastened to advise him of that possibility; we couldn't take the risk. He is, after all, the scariest man to have ever graced the four walls of the TCB.

Long live King Robertson

‘The Law Ball Is, First And Foremost, A Dance!’ Says Candidate Lily Standing On Pointe

Rushing to ensure everyone’s pirouette technique is correct, UQLS Presidential Candidate Lily Smith managed to spare five minutes with The Obiter to explain to us just how the culture of the Law Society can be revived through the power of dance.

No, it’s not a plot out of an 80s movie, like Footloose, or Flashdance. Although it sure sounds like it! It’s a modern approach to education that Smith has honed over decades in Russia’s best secret agent training academies/ballet schools.

‘See, the problem with the Law School is that the feet aren’t nimble enough. How you expect to ever be a lawyer if you can’t dance your way out of trouble?’ she barked, confusingly, in a thick Russian accent. Clouds of cigar smoke enveloped her for the rest of the interview.

As she stood on pointe while encouraging first-years to take up mooting, she shared with us her broad vision for the direction of the Society.

‘It’s simple. Much like McGonagall expressed with such poise and panache in the seminal classic Skyfall, the Law Ball is, first and foremost, a dance!’

As a first-year fell over his own feet, Smith approached with a thick coil of barbed wire rope, threatening to strike, before the young man rose to his feet and tap-danced perfectly for, we’re not kidding, like twenty-eight minutes.

A smile crossed her lips. ‘There is hope for you yet, Padawan.’

More to come.

‘I Love Cricket, And, Um, Beers!’ Says Obvious Nerd Running In The ‘President Jock’ Category

In stunning news coming out of the St Lucia campus this morning, it has become apparent to political commentators and students alike that an obvious Law nerd has decided to run in the ‘President Jock’ category for the leadership of the UQLS.

The category, begun by Ewan Raeside and made famous by two-time-silver-medallist Omar Hardtowin, has never successfully placed a candidate of their own in the Presidency. The role has traditionally been reserved for mooting nerds and lightweights who tell you they’re going to ‘change the culture of the UQLS’ while doing absolutely nothing of the sort.

But this year, things are different. There’s a new breeze. A nerd is finally running in the President Jock category.

A lot of things define a President Jock. The consistent failure to win elections, for one. The belief that playing two games in the Suri Ratnapala Cup constitutes a well-rounded involvement with the UQLS. And of course, the all-important requirement that they be an upstanding graduate from Grammar, Churchie, or Terrace.

But for whatever reason, Ben Funnell is built different. And we’re not talking about his freakishly lanky frame (get a load of ‘Stretch’ Funnell over here!)

It’s the fact that he’s very clearly a nerd trying to hide something. You can just see him slapping all the boys on the back as he walks up to deliver his Presidential address, trembling as he feels his glasses and Newton’s Cradle rubbing against each other in his pockets.

You can just tell that the guy has done mooting. You can just tell that he laughs about ‘how little I’ve studied,’ but then turns around and gets more 7s than he hits on at Friday’s on a Saturday (if only the 8s would listen to that awesome story about Josh Halikos!)

In short, we have a peacock. A rare first. An obvious nerd running to be President of the Jocks.

But maybe, just maybe - he’ll be the President for all of us.

Leave nothing out on the field, mate - there’s a winning sports metaphor for you

“It’s Only Social!” Pleads Bloke Hell-bent on Taking Home the W on a Sunday Afternoon

“Jeez you guys take this way too seriously”, quipped Marcus ‘Bevo’ Adams as he spear tackled the opponent’s left wingers’ 11-year-old daughter into the AstroTurf on field 3.

**********

Say what you want about Bevo, but there’s one universally acknowledged truth about the burly 24-year-old bartender: he ain’t take nothin too seriously. He’s a chill bloke. Criminally chill. A serial chiller if you will. His step-mum agrees. She’s a florist. Nice lady. Her parole officer’s also chill.

So as Bevo drove into uni on a hot spring Sunday afternoon to play his weekly game of 7-a-side social footy, Enimem’s “Mom’s Spaghetti” blasting through the speakers of his Toyota Corolla, he thought the match would naturally just be another chill day at the office. Bevo stood corrected.

He knew from the outset of the game that his beloved team, ‘The Boys United’, were up against a nasty outfit today. They just looked like a “bunch of dickheads”. He could just tell. Bevo’s always had that sort of instinct.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”, Bevo wailed, as the opposition’s striker tackled him cleanly with ease, before dribbling past him and smashing the ball into the top corner, about 30 metres from where Bevo now stood.

“Fuck, sorry boys, I’m gassed” Bevo conceded, as he rushed back to the sidelines at the third minute mark of the contest.

“Don’t worry boys, they’re a fuckin dirty team”, Bevo surmised during his half-time address, his teammates begrudgingly nodding in approval, all quietly thinking that they actually seemed like an alright bunch of blokes and actually their own team just wasn’t very good.

As the game came to his inevitable conclusion, ‘The Boys United’ trailing six goals to one, Bevo couldn’t help himself but remind his opposite numbers that it was “ONLY SOCIAL [soccer], you grubs”.

Naturally, Bevo then charged to the opposition’s bench and spear tackled the left wingers’ 11-year-old daughter into the AstroTurf on field 3, as she peacefully attempted to complete her geography homework.

We look forward to hearing more from Bevo when he attempts to bounce the fuck out of his 8-year-old cousin in the yearly backyard boxing day test match.

Until next week, no more to come.

Stieg Larsson Ventures into Erotic Fiction With New Novel, 'The Boy with the Horse Cock'

The author shocked and aroused hordes of fans with the announcement, which promises a major departure from his previous output.

~~~

Popular author Stieg Larsson shocked millions this morning by revealing that his upcoming release will be an erotic novel.

The Swedish novelist became an international superstar on the back of the raging success of his psychological thriller trilogy, which included the hit novels The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest. But the writer has chosen to branch out from the niche that scored him a high budget Hollywood film adaptation.

Sources say the new novel, The Boy with the Horse Cock, will follow a sexually prodigious stable boy with a colossal penis as he navigates man’s greatest puzzle: the search for the ultimate lay.

With the novel not even released yet, talk of a potential Hollywood adaptation has the film world buzzing, with reports that Dolph Lundgren is at the top of hopeful director Zach Snyder’s casting list.

While early reviews have called the novel ‘crude’ and ‘absurd’, The Obiter remains optimistic for the new release: you can’t go wrong with psychosexual turmoil.

No more to come.

Shithead Satire Writer Out of Fucking Ideas

The day the laughter died.

~~~

After toiling at his craft for years, local satirist James Paddock has hit a wall.

The once proficient funnyman has struggled to overcome a vicious spate of writers block which has stretch for over 3 months.

“I came up with something the other day” said a visibly exhausted Paddock during an exclusive interview with The Obiter, the very publication he writes for.

“Local Man Not Having Sex. What do you think?”

While the stunned silence in the press room did no favours for self esteem, he was nevertheless glad to have conceived a kernel of an idea, a happening that has eluded him since his last big hit: ‘No Seats in Law Library’.

Perhaps this marks a new beginning for young Paddock, who, while not necessarily the most prolific writer, is undeniably handsome, charming, and yeah, I’ll say it, nubile.

God speed young man.