‘I’m Watching Euphoria For The Storyline,’ Says Man Who First Saw It On PornHub Compilation

A local man has spent quite a bit of time on Binge lately, closely following the trials and tribulations of American students as shown on the hit HBO drama ‘Euphoria.’ And as he’ll say to anyone who will listen, he’s only watching it for the storyline.

‘Yep, that’s the big appeal for me. No other reason. I got into Euphoria during S2 just because it seemed like such an engrossing drama,’ said Nigel Stiffson (24), a late-blooming Commerce student who typically enjoys such highbrow intellectual fare as Jackass, and Jackass 2.

‘The show features just so many powerful performances. From Sydney Sweeney to, um, Syd- Syd- Zendaya. She’s in it, too!’

Unfortunately, Nigel’s story seems to have as many gaping holes as an episode of Euphoria. It’s become increasingly clear to those around him that he first discovered the show as a result of a PornHub compilation.

‘Yeah, he went from saying it was a shitty show for teen girls to texting me constantly asking to rank the characters,’ said a beleaguered friend of Nigel’s, who asked not to be named.

The show, which has drawn attention for its fairly frank portrayals of sexuality and explicit drug use, has also garnered some attention on pornography websites, for its fairly frank portrayals of sexuality.

‘Nah, I’m not into that shit. Why would I watch porn when I could just catch up on two minutes of Euphoria?’ reported Nigel, giving himself up a bit.

At press time, the ex-Nudgee College student didn’t even realize that the drama nerd he used to give a bit of shit to in the corridors was in the show.

He was distracted.

No more to come (resisting the urge for a very silly joke here).

Weak As Piss? 17-Year-Old Asks Big Sister For Seltzers Instead Of 1L Smirnoff Vodka

A local big sister has been rocked to her absolute core today as her Year 11 younger sibling has requested a four pack of White Claws for the upcoming party.

Brattlee Stevens (17) is keen to attend her third-ever boys and girls party of Year 11, only a few short weeks into the school year. And she’s deeply reluctant to attend without some form of social lubrication.

But whilst in the past, teens everywhere used to absolutely cook their brain cells with vodka, and goon before that, the modern teenager is rather more discerning.

If Mummy is going to dish up fresh sushi every afternoon after clarinet and water polo practice at Brisbane School of Grammar for Girls, then it would be a heinous crime to poison this temple with anything less than the absolute finest.

With a careful eye, Brattlee perused the Instagrams of various social media influencers, noting the drinks clutched in their hands, along with their devastatingly gorgeous tans. And after discussing with her friends at school, Brattlee concluded that lime seltzers were the way to go.

Descendants of the famed ‘skinny bitch’ array of vodka-and-soda based drinks, seltzers are a flagging trend among a twenty-something population keen to forget the last two years again. But among the kids of today, they are becoming an ever-more popular way of enjoying social occasions without creating lasting regrets.

Cowardly, we call it.

If you can’t sneak out and drench yourself in the worst liquor your least-responsible sibling could get their hands on, then why are you even here?

No more to come.

Guy Voted ‘Least Likely to Succeed’ In High School Now A Commercial Real Estate Agent

‘Well that’s not surprising in the least’, you thought to yourself after receiving the Facebook notification: “James Matthews has invited you to like the page James Matthews Ray White”.

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For those parents and teachers wondering what job prospects await students struggling to pass Math A, the answer is simple: Real Estate.

Daniel Hughes, law student (20), has always been studious and enjoyed high school for the pure fact that he got a few awards on speech day. He never quite understood those who weren’t interested in having a crack and making the most of the $25k a year their parents spent on their education.

He always thought these ‘drop kicks’ would end up working at maccas, before getting someone pregnant at a music festival and moving to the Moreton Bay Region (not that there’s anything wrong with that). One of the student he thought was heading down such path was James Matthews.

Which explains why he was, at first, surprised to receive a Facebook notification: “James Matthews has invited you to like the page ‘James Matthews Ray White’”. The last he heard of James, he was selling weed brownies in affluent suburbs on the Northside.

Seemingly, whether it be drugs or houses, sales is sales!

It really is a great lesson for all those year 9 kids asking their Math teachers, “sir, when am I going to use this in the real world?”

Look mate, everyone knows that you just won’t use Pythagorean’s theorem because you are dumb as shit, but if you shut up and are lucky enough to have a beer at the regatta with a newly divorced Ray White franchise owner, you might be able to sell some warehouses in Northgate to overseas investors.

More shitty LinkedIn posts about returns on commercial property to come.

'Grand Designs or Love it or List It?!' Ascot Family Enters 11th Hour of Bitter Feud Over What to Watch Tonight

‘I didn’t send you to All Hallows so you could quibble with me, young lady!’ spat Doris Johnston (44), as Gibbs CJ, the family’s Siamese cat, watched on intently to the heated altercation unfolding before him.

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News of an unsettling domestic dispute is emerging from the inner north-east this evening, with local media reporting that a stand-off between the Johnston family - Doris, Boris, Louise, Carla and Gibbs CJ - as to what tonight’s Foxtel Go entertainment would be has turned ugly.

‘If you don’t pass me the remote control to me right this instant then you can say goodbye to the trip to Prague that me and your father had planned for you!’ an enraged Doris could be heard hissing at Louise.

Doris had boiled into a fury so visceral that it momentarily distracted her from the fact that her husband, Boris, Strata Management Lawyer, hadn’t been able to excite her since early 2003 - back when Eurythmics were in town and George Bush Jnr was all the rage.

‘Nothing gets me more excited than a dispute over noise in the pool area after 10pm’, Boris, who’s favourite type of cat was QCAT, had told Doris on their first date more than 30 years ago, perhaps foreshadowing the events of this evening.

It needless be said that Doris was on team Grand Designs in tonight’s dispute (Kevin McCloud hubba hubba, she thought).

A debate of such vigour hasn’t captured the imagination of the Johnston’s since last Sunday at the Harris Farm Markets when they attempted to come to agreement as to what they’d have for afternoon tea - Monte Carlo’s or Jam Drops.

More to come on this breaking story.

Skateboarding Bloke On Campus Definitely Just Drove To Uni

With his trademark aviator sunnies and monster energy drink in hand, the coolest bro on campus, Liam ‘Lehmo’ Lehmann (19), has once again been spotted using the stick to get him from the east to west side of Forgan Smith, a decision which he has described as ‘a hundy percent necessary’.

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Rocking up to class sweaty and stylistically late, it’s easy to be under the impression that this Michael J Fox has skated all the way from west end.

However, truth be told, a hectic schedule has meant that Lehmo simply hasn’t had the time to hit up the local indro skatepark during the semester, justifying packing the board in the boot of his Suzuki Swift.

Suspicions arose later today when one of his biomed mates suggested drinks at the reddo. “Nah, can’t,” he quickly replied. “You didn’t drive, did you?” “Ah, nah, it’s just like, ceebs”, Lehmo quipped, nervously scratching his woollen beanie.

Despite skating scarily close to a couple of slow-walkers in the food court most days, sk8er boy doesn’t see himself as a campus menace, respectfully carrying his ride when walking down flights of stairs and occasionally holding doors open for girls.

Although driving to campus has been steep on his wallet this month, Lehmo advised The Obiter that he rarely “chucks on the Cellopark’”. “I’m risky like that”.

No more to come.

Charming Standout Guy Writes ‘Dick Long’ In ‘One Thing To Know About Me’ Hinge Prompt

‘Everyone on this app gives me the ick!’ exclaimed Meg (24, PR Manager - Lorna Jane) as she scrolled through yet another horny bloke’s Hinge profile that really just wasn’t that appealing.

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In a recent attempt by the male species to find mate, Jeremy (26, Accountant) has taken to Hinge to express his untapped creative genius, writing a cracker of a one-liner to the ‘one thing you should know about me’ prompt: ‘dick long’.

Needless to say, the bloke is obviously packing.

Jeremy has also alerted users of the popular dating app that he ‘goes crazy for Dumptrucks and chocci moo moo.’ Fuck he’s good.

This might be the nail in the coffin that edges Meg to get off the apps. Hot girl summer has been fun and all but enough is enough.

Meg has taken to Tik Tok to expose these incels. In a positive twist, this has landed her a steady following and brand deals of her own. Make the patriarchy and Bondi Sands work for you girlboss!

More horror stories to come no doubt.

Triple J Novice Starts Panic Listening to Psychedelic Porn Crumpets On Repeat After Being Invited to Hottest 100 Party

When Viola Banks (22) was invited to a law school jock’s Facebook event, “Hottest 100: LeT’s GeT cRuNk ahhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she broke out into a cold sweat. Like the rest of us, until Wednesday, Viola didn’t know who the fuck Amyl And The Sniffers were.

‘I’d not heard of Triple J, my go-to radio station has always been Classic FM!’ the 20-somethig-year-old descendant of Mozart told the Obiter.

‘They’re all going to know I’ve never been to Splendour!’ Viola anxiously stammered to herself, profusely sweating at the thought of being caught completely out of her depth tomorrow.

With only three days until Australia’s most hectic shindig, Viola promised herself she would learn the lyrics to AT LEAST the top 50 predictions. For the past 72 hours, the young trombonist has listened to the Hottest 100 Spotify playlist on repeat.

She can now proudly recite up to the first chorus of that Wiggles cover and is confident she won’t have to lip-sync ‘rhubarb’ for six hours on Saturday.

Like most young women, Viola has become a proud advocate of the saying ‘fake it till ya make it.’

The Obiter extends its best wishes to Viola for Saturday.

No more to come.

King's Boy Found Guilty Over Coward Punch, Sentenced to 3 Months of No Xbox on School Nights

Lawyers for the defendant, Dudley ‘Dudster’ Matthews, described the sentence as ‘manifestly excessive’, arguing that the judge clearly failed to take into account that Dudster’s Dad was, like, a really big deal in Warwick’s Agribusiness sector.

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‘This is honestly fucked’, muttered a deflated Dudster as he sauntered out of the courtroom today, having just been handed a sentence which he knew would rock him to his core over the next 12 weeks.

‘The cunt looked at me funny, what was I s'pose to do?’, exclaimed Dudster to a group of journalists at the conclusion of today’s proceedings, surmising what had taken place late one Sunday last year outside Prohibition nightclub.

By Dudster’s side was his father - renowned cattle-grazer and Warwick’s former heavyweight boxing champion - Warren Brust. Warren nodded firmly in agreement as his son spoke, sinking his teeth deeper and deeper into his third piece of Nicorette gum for the morning, the stiffness of his upper lip reflecting his loathing of what he saw as a clear failing of the justice system.

As Dudster returned to campus later that afternoon, wearing his trusty Titans footy shorts, he was heartened to learn that his fellow King’s boys had officially committed to boycotting Xbox nights for the duration of Dudster’s sentence, in solidarity with their battle-scared brother.

The Obiter understands that the hashtag #westandwithDudster has begun circulating in the College’s WhatsApp Groups.

When we asked lead prosecutor, Sarah Bulson, if this sentence was perhaps a little inadequate for someone who fully decked a bloke for no good reason, she responded, ‘yeah, look, this is actually a really good result for us. Last week there was this GPS Rugby Captain who confessed to committing war crimes and he only got a month of no Coco Pops for breakfast’.

No more to come.

Grown Adult With $40,000 In HECS Debt Still Has to Use Fingers To Work Out When April Is

A jingle to the tune of ‘Twinkle Little Star’ is also needed to figure out the positioning of the vast majority of letters in the Roman Alphabet, in spite of a private school education, two-thirds of a Bachelor’s degree, and an encyclopaedic knowledge of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

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Makes you think, doesn’t it.

It’s not like the concept of a 12-month calendar or a 25-letter Roman Alphabet is a new one. I’m no historian, but I’ve been led to believe that these have been around for many a century.

And yet, on every occasion in which we are made to recite the place of a letter or month (or indeed the numbers of days contained therein), a cold sweet rushes through us - as far as we’re concerned, we could well have been asked to crack the Enigma code whilst simultaneously performing in the Cirque du Soleil.

The 6 we got in a first year psych course, shockingly, provides us with no help in this hour of need.

“Maybe, I’m just an idiot”, we sigh, staring hopelessly into the reflection of the person who was once described as ‘conscientious’ on a report card by his Grade 3 Geography teacher, and who just flawlessly explained the impact of reverse swing on a green wicket to his little cousin.

It fills us with little consolation that we’re able to recall the month number of our birth (+/- one month either side).

No more to come, sadly.

Engineering Student Supplants Personality For Pair of Avocado Socks

“Yeet”, exclaimed the proud Reddit user, with his 35mm film camera and water-resistant Casio wrist watch by his side.

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I do not profess to know anything about engineers. But then again, does anyone, really? Apart from being resolute sexual deviants, what even are they?

“Yeah, right. Ok.”, we reply politely, as the fourth year engineering student, and Counter-Strike mad lad, recounts his knowledge of his Honda Civic’s internal combustion engine.

“Did you see my new socks, haha?”, he continues, gesturing to the Avocado-themed apparel that stretches up to his shin. “Oh, nice, haha”, you reply, thinking how the fuck to get out of this conversation.

In saying all this, I admit that perhaps there will come a day where I am in need of an engineer in my life. Say if I want a bridge to be built or a chrome to be installed or a kettle to be boiled or a mine to be mined. If that day does come, I will happily take back all the things I’ve said about them.

Until then, please don’t ever talk to me.

No more to come.