'HAHAHAHAHAAHHA I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE,' Messages Completely Straight-Faced Girl

‘Yeah, nah, I didn’t actually find what he said that funny,’ a candid Laura Small (19) divulged to The Obiter.

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In breaking news, a young woman has just mastered the art of telling a porky-pie over text. Laura Small (19, but with the maturity of a 20-year-old) was texting her boyfriend, Josh Long (19), when she decided sending a series of “haha’s” was way easier than just dumping the man for being seriously unfunny.

She even chucked in some sideways laughing face emojis for authenticity.

‘Yeah, nah, I didn’t actually find what he said that funny,’ Laura admitted.

But the facade clearly worked, with Josh’s ego increasing by at least three. Among other lies, including, “I’m fine,” “I have work in the morning,” and, “how good is sex,” the “haha’s” have become a fan favourite among the youth of today.

Recent data has revealed some even add a “b” to the start to really jazz it up. ‘I’m telling you, a BAHAHA is a real winner with the ladies,’ a simp told The Obiter.

Facebook’s Anti-Bullshit Team is considering inserting a “lie-detector” feature on Messenger, alongside the controversial “read” feature. With the team only just commencing discussions now, the lie-detector will likely not be added until late 2023.

The kids’ lies are safe for now.

More laughs to come... or not.

Beyond Blue Poster Alerts Man Who Wasn’t Anxious Until Now That He Did In Fact Forget To Lock The Door

‘Ah, shit,’ grumbled Luke Burns (21) to himself, as he came to this dreaded realisation drying his hands in the bathroom just outside the food court.

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Beyond blue for years has been providing uni students with some mesmerising toilet-time entertainment. 

Its most recent campaign, ‘did I lock the door’ resonates especially well with students who grew up with an overbearing helicopter parent. 

Taking the viewer through a simple 23-step BuzzFeed style quiz, The Obiter can confirm the campaign’s effectiveness, with an alarming amount of students coming to the nerve-racking conclusion that in fact they didn’t lock their door and their family does in fact now hate them.

What once was a stress-releasing time of the morning, has now turned into a whack-in-the-fucking-face reminder that this student is a forgetful dumbass.

Sources have revealed that the campaign for next month is already underway to help students discern: ‘Do you feel like there is someone watching you?’ and ‘Did no one really smell that silent-but-deadly?’ 

Don’t forget to lock the door.

'Nah, Got Nothing': Bunnings Advertising Team Fires Blanks At Brainstorming Session, Again

‘If it ain’t broke, I guess,’ sighed Jeff Bunnings, CEO at Bunnings Warehouse, after his team of six-figure advertising execs emerged from a marathon three-hour long creative conference with absolutely no new ideas.

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‘Oh, I’ve got it, I’ve got it!’ declared an excited Scott, Team Member, picking up the phone to call the Head of Advertising, Jim Bunnings, son of John Bunnings.

‘Jim, Jim, I’ve got a new idea for an ad we could do on the tele!’

No reply came from the other end of phone.

‘Jim, Jimbo, you there mate?’.

Still nothing.

‘Hi, this is Jim. Sorry, I’m not in the office right now, and haven’t been since about 2007. Please leave a message. Thanks. Bye.’

Ah, that explains a fair bit.

More of the same annoyingly catchy jingles to come.

Local Chippy Snarls At Bloke Modelling 'Tradie' Underwear Who's Just Clearly Not a Tradie

“Oh, have a go, mate,” spat Johnno Brooks (32), employee at Johnno & Sons Builders, as he watched another white-collar smart alec try to pass off as a genuine member of the high-vis brigade.

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Chippy Johnno Brooks (23), employee of Johnno & Sons Builders and son of Johnno Brooks (50), says his recent discovery at his local Jetts Fitness was “unnerving” and “rattled [him] to the core”.

It was as a mid-20s man stretched out on the bench press that his Chicago Bulls jersey lifted to reveal, to Johnno’s upset, a suspiciously sculpted lower core but, more alarmingly, the elastic band of the man’s fluoro yellow Tradie briefs. 

Johnno’s long-time friend, and QUT accounting major identified “that wanker” as a UQ journalism student. We are yet to track down the man, but the damage has been done — Johnno cannot believe those outside his professional circle would lay claim to underwear clearly not built for them. 

“The fact that these non-tradie dickheads would parade around is outrageous and misleading,” he said. “It’s fraud! Blatant, daylight fraud! You don’t see me hitting the Valley in Jockey undies, do ya?” 

No more to come.

‘I’m Watching Euphoria For The Storyline,’ Says Man Who First Saw It On PornHub Compilation

A local man has spent quite a bit of time on Binge lately, closely following the trials and tribulations of American students as shown on the hit HBO drama ‘Euphoria.’ And as he’ll say to anyone who will listen, he’s only watching it for the storyline.

‘Yep, that’s the big appeal for me. No other reason. I got into Euphoria during S2 just because it seemed like such an engrossing drama,’ said Nigel Stiffson (24), a late-blooming Commerce student who typically enjoys such highbrow intellectual fare as Jackass, and Jackass 2.

‘The show features just so many powerful performances. From Sydney Sweeney to, um, Syd- Syd- Zendaya. She’s in it, too!’

Unfortunately, Nigel’s story seems to have as many gaping holes as an episode of Euphoria. It’s become increasingly clear to those around him that he first discovered the show as a result of a PornHub compilation.

‘Yeah, he went from saying it was a shitty show for teen girls to texting me constantly asking to rank the characters,’ said a beleaguered friend of Nigel’s, who asked not to be named.

The show, which has drawn attention for its fairly frank portrayals of sexuality and explicit drug use, has also garnered some attention on pornography websites, for its fairly frank portrayals of sexuality.

‘Nah, I’m not into that shit. Why would I watch porn when I could just catch up on two minutes of Euphoria?’ reported Nigel, giving himself up a bit.

At press time, the ex-Nudgee College student didn’t even realize that the drama nerd he used to give a bit of shit to in the corridors was in the show.

He was distracted.

No more to come (resisting the urge for a very silly joke here).

Weak As Piss? 17-Year-Old Asks Big Sister For Seltzers Instead Of 1L Smirnoff Vodka

A local big sister has been rocked to her absolute core today as her Year 11 younger sibling has requested a four pack of White Claws for the upcoming party.

Brattlee Stevens (17) is keen to attend her third-ever boys and girls party of Year 11, only a few short weeks into the school year. And she’s deeply reluctant to attend without some form of social lubrication.

But whilst in the past, teens everywhere used to absolutely cook their brain cells with vodka, and goon before that, the modern teenager is rather more discerning.

If Mummy is going to dish up fresh sushi every afternoon after clarinet and water polo practice at Brisbane School of Grammar for Girls, then it would be a heinous crime to poison this temple with anything less than the absolute finest.

With a careful eye, Brattlee perused the Instagrams of various social media influencers, noting the drinks clutched in their hands, along with their devastatingly gorgeous tans. And after discussing with her friends at school, Brattlee concluded that lime seltzers were the way to go.

Descendants of the famed ‘skinny bitch’ array of vodka-and-soda based drinks, seltzers are a flagging trend among a twenty-something population keen to forget the last two years again. But among the kids of today, they are becoming an ever-more popular way of enjoying social occasions without creating lasting regrets.

Cowardly, we call it.

If you can’t sneak out and drench yourself in the worst liquor your least-responsible sibling could get their hands on, then why are you even here?

No more to come.

Guy Voted ‘Least Likely to Succeed’ In High School Now A Commercial Real Estate Agent

‘Well that’s not surprising in the least’, you thought to yourself after receiving the Facebook notification: “James Matthews has invited you to like the page James Matthews Ray White”.

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For those parents and teachers wondering what job prospects await students struggling to pass Math A, the answer is simple: Real Estate.

Daniel Hughes, law student (20), has always been studious and enjoyed high school for the pure fact that he got a few awards on speech day. He never quite understood those who weren’t interested in having a crack and making the most of the $25k a year their parents spent on their education.

He always thought these ‘drop kicks’ would end up working at maccas, before getting someone pregnant at a music festival and moving to the Moreton Bay Region (not that there’s anything wrong with that). One of the student he thought was heading down such path was James Matthews.

Which explains why he was, at first, surprised to receive a Facebook notification: “James Matthews has invited you to like the page ‘James Matthews Ray White’”. The last he heard of James, he was selling weed brownies in affluent suburbs on the Northside.

Seemingly, whether it be drugs or houses, sales is sales!

It really is a great lesson for all those year 9 kids asking their Math teachers, “sir, when am I going to use this in the real world?”

Look mate, everyone knows that you just won’t use Pythagorean’s theorem because you are dumb as shit, but if you shut up and are lucky enough to have a beer at the regatta with a newly divorced Ray White franchise owner, you might be able to sell some warehouses in Northgate to overseas investors.

More shitty LinkedIn posts about returns on commercial property to come.

'Grand Designs or Love it or List It?!' Ascot Family Enters 11th Hour of Bitter Feud Over What to Watch Tonight

‘I didn’t send you to All Hallows so you could quibble with me, young lady!’ spat Doris Johnston (44), as Gibbs CJ, the family’s Siamese cat, watched on intently to the heated altercation unfolding before him.

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News of an unsettling domestic dispute is emerging from the inner north-east this evening, with local media reporting that a stand-off between the Johnston family - Doris, Boris, Louise, Carla and Gibbs CJ - as to what tonight’s Foxtel Go entertainment would be has turned ugly.

‘If you don’t pass me the remote control to me right this instant then you can say goodbye to the trip to Prague that me and your father had planned for you!’ an enraged Doris could be heard hissing at Louise.

Doris had boiled into a fury so visceral that it momentarily distracted her from the fact that her husband, Boris, Strata Management Lawyer, hadn’t been able to excite her since early 2003 - back when Eurythmics were in town and George Bush Jnr was all the rage.

‘Nothing gets me more excited than a dispute over noise in the pool area after 10pm’, Boris, who’s favourite type of cat was QCAT, had told Doris on their first date more than 30 years ago, perhaps foreshadowing the events of this evening.

It needless be said that Doris was on team Grand Designs in tonight’s dispute (Kevin McCloud hubba hubba, she thought).

A debate of such vigour hasn’t captured the imagination of the Johnston’s since last Sunday at the Harris Farm Markets when they attempted to come to agreement as to what they’d have for afternoon tea - Monte Carlo’s or Jam Drops.

More to come on this breaking story.

Skateboarding Bloke On Campus Definitely Just Drove To Uni

With his trademark aviator sunnies and monster energy drink in hand, the coolest bro on campus, Liam ‘Lehmo’ Lehmann (19), has once again been spotted using the stick to get him from the east to west side of Forgan Smith, a decision which he has described as ‘a hundy percent necessary’.

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Rocking up to class sweaty and stylistically late, it’s easy to be under the impression that this Michael J Fox has skated all the way from west end.

However, truth be told, a hectic schedule has meant that Lehmo simply hasn’t had the time to hit up the local indro skatepark during the semester, justifying packing the board in the boot of his Suzuki Swift.

Suspicions arose later today when one of his biomed mates suggested drinks at the reddo. “Nah, can’t,” he quickly replied. “You didn’t drive, did you?” “Ah, nah, it’s just like, ceebs”, Lehmo quipped, nervously scratching his woollen beanie.

Despite skating scarily close to a couple of slow-walkers in the food court most days, sk8er boy doesn’t see himself as a campus menace, respectfully carrying his ride when walking down flights of stairs and occasionally holding doors open for girls.

Although driving to campus has been steep on his wallet this month, Lehmo advised The Obiter that he rarely “chucks on the Cellopark’”. “I’m risky like that”.

No more to come.

Charming Standout Guy Writes ‘Dick Long’ In ‘One Thing To Know About Me’ Hinge Prompt

‘Everyone on this app gives me the ick!’ exclaimed Meg (24, PR Manager - Lorna Jane) as she scrolled through yet another horny bloke’s Hinge profile that really just wasn’t that appealing.

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In a recent attempt by the male species to find mate, Jeremy (26, Accountant) has taken to Hinge to express his untapped creative genius, writing a cracker of a one-liner to the ‘one thing you should know about me’ prompt: ‘dick long’.

Needless to say, the bloke is obviously packing.

Jeremy has also alerted users of the popular dating app that he ‘goes crazy for Dumptrucks and chocci moo moo.’ Fuck he’s good.

This might be the nail in the coffin that edges Meg to get off the apps. Hot girl summer has been fun and all but enough is enough.

Meg has taken to Tik Tok to expose these incels. In a positive twist, this has landed her a steady following and brand deals of her own. Make the patriarchy and Bondi Sands work for you girlboss!

More horror stories to come no doubt.