'We're Not Playing For Sheep Stations,' Says KC Bowling 8th Consecutive Bouncer At First Year

It’s that time of year. The Suri Ratnapala Cup is almost upon us. The excitement is palpable.

For some, this annual T20 game of Students v Professionals is an occasion to display their underappreciated sporting talents to their peers. For others, it’s an opportunity to showcase that they’re a “good bloke” to prospective employers. But for David Hains KC (44), it’s just a casual hit in the park.

‘Yeah no, I’m not all that competitive these days haha,’ chuckled Hains, ‘only signed up for this Suri thing ‘cos I wanted to catchup with the fellas from the class of ‘97’.

Coming in at No.8 on a reasonably flat wicket, starry-eyed first-year Tim Timms (17) had no reason not to believe Hains’ comments.

Timsy had another thing coming.

‘Welcome to Law School you little fucker!’ quipped Hains, the former BGS 3rd XI premiership captain and self-described “pretty relaxed customer”, as he launched an 8th consecutive 88km/hr bouncer at Timms in what can only be described as a fairly chaotic first over at the crease.

Peppered with short delivers and chat by an aspiring Magistrate was not how Timms had planned spending the weekend of his 2nd week at Uni.

‘Yeah pretty shocked by the whole thing,’ he told us after the game, ‘I’m already stressed enough with all those readings I have to do for Foundations. I’m borderline ready to dropout’.

More to come.

The Obiter thoroughly looks forward to all 7 spectators that join us on this Sunday @ UQ Field 9 at 11am.

'Fuck First Years Are Clueless', Says Fourth Year Who Still Uses The UQ Nav App

Tom Jones (21), who cannot find the Seddon Building for the life of him, is already fed up with the throngs of lost first years. 

'Why are they all just walking around aimlessly?'

It’s the first week back at uni - the car parks are already full, the scent of Merlo wafts through the air, and college kids are still wearing their stupid little hats with nicknames on them.

One person who appears unaffected by all the excitement is Tom Jones, who is going into his fourth year of Law and Commerce. After pulling into the last park under the hockey fields and checking his timetable, Tom quickly realised he had no idea where the fuck 'Room 82E-W313' was.

'Get out of my way,' he yelled, while elbowing his way through a crowd of excited first years. It is alleged that this is the sixth time Tom has redownloaded the UQ Nav App after confidently deleting it.

Anonymous sources have alleged that Tom missed the icebreaker activities, but made it just in time to see the mandatory social distancing PowerPoint slide.

More to come.

Excited Law Grad Accepts Offer From Clayton’s Utes

"Must relocate to Roma? Great! I love pasta!"

Lifelong city boy and recent law grad Samuel Wilson (24) revealed exciting news on LinkedIn today, with a very late job offer from Clayton Utz. Perplexed, your reporter went to find out more.

 "Yeah, so with everything online my GPA took a bit of a hit, down to a 4.5. But why bother studying if you can pass by copying some sweat? There's a few boys from St David's that still let me have their notes. I didn't get any grad offers though, but that's fine."

 "Anyway, look at this! Job offer from a Big Six firm, proves that 4's really do open doors."

 A closer look at the offer revealed a few discrepancies in Samuel's stories. Namely, that the contract was from Clayton's Utes, the Maranoa's largest work vehicle wholesaler. Further questioning provided some answers.

 "My mate from boarding's dad is the Clayton in Clayton Utz, said he'd get me a job that would toughen me up. I'm not worried about the hours though, Rome's pretty nice. The Colosseum's cool."

 Included in the contract were flights on REX to Roma, which Samuel explained as a codeshare by the traditionally regional domestic airline.

 "The contract says I'll be working with the agriculture and mining sectors, but I didn't think Italy was known for much except wine and marble. Must be a bit of cash in it."

 Your reporter advised him to pack for a warm climate. More to come.

‘Valentine’s Day is a Capitalist Commodification of Love,’ Says Unemployed Boyfriend With No Gift

‘Nah, I definitely didn’t just forget to get you chocolates, babe. And flowers just die anyway!’

 ‘You hate that cringy, romantic bullshit, right?’ he asked his girlfriend of three years, Annabelle Young (22).

Ben, who has been “looking for a law job” for six months, swiftly began his annual rant about Valentine’s Day being a ‘stupid Hallmark holiday’.

‘We’re not Americans!’ he exclaimed, switching the TV to another Super Bowl rerun. ‘What a waste of money. Anyway, should we order Uber Eats for dinner?’

 He went on to explain that it was a ‘bit ridiculous’ that Annabelle’s birthday, Christmas, his birthday, and Valentine’s Day were all within the same six months every year. ‘Couldn’t they have spread them out a little?’

 Insider sources have informed us that Ben still relies on Facebook to remind him of his girlfriend’s birthday.

 Annabelle has declined to comment.

Man Desperately Angling For Excuse To Drink At 9am On A Monday Is “Actually Pretty Into NFL”

Whether you’re looking forward to the highly anticipated ads, Rihanna’s half-time performance, or the game itself, the NFL’s Super Bowl is an event with a little something for everyone. However, for one young Brisbane professional, the highlight is something else entirely: a socially acceptable reason to crack open a beer at 9am on a Monday.

The primetime Sunday night slot in America means the big game kicks off early Monday morning in Australia, and that’s music to the ears of Drew Pearson (24). The young accountant has been hard at work reading ESPN.com and peppering the names of NFL players into conversations at work this week to pre-emptively justify the fact that he will arrive to Tuesday morning’s WIP meeting looking like he’s coming off a weekend in Bali with Michael Clarke.

Pearson, who has brought in a grand total of zero dollars of billable work in the two years he’s worked at Deloitte, even suggested that perhaps the firm should send him as a representative to a networking event (or, as he put it, “like, you know, a corporate thing or whatever”). The swiftness with which his boss rejected this blatant attempt to get drunk on the company card couldn’t deter Drew, who dutifully booked in his leave for Monday and put four Powerades and a Berocca in the work fridge for Tuesday.

Drew’s takes have so far included “yeah, Mahomes is pretty insane hey, and when he’s throwing to Tyreek Hill, look out,” and, “Eagles are good but, gonna be hard to stop Jaden Hurts.” His deep football knowledge will no doubt come in handy when he is absolutely legless at the Victory at 12:30pm.

“There Are Too Many Dating Shows” Says Boyfriend Who Literally Sees A New Marvel Movie Every Week

With the end of The Bachelor season and the beginning of MAFS all in the same week, law student John Carnegie (20) is concerned that the cycle of trashy reality dating shows is never ending.

“I mean the shows are all so fake,” says the young man whose favourite film concludes with a computer-generated robot shooting computer-generated lasers at a computer-generated alien in front of a green screen.

What’s baffling the critic the most is the quantity of dating shows.

“Literally they are turning everything into a dating show now,” said John whose favourite marvel superhero happens to be antman (A superhero that is an ant)

“Can’t believe they’re still making new episodes of this” he adds disgruntled, switching the channel to the 19th season of Survivor.

While reality TV is glueing his girlfriend to the couch at home, at least John still gets the chance to go to the movies every week to watch a new marvel movie. 

The ex-nerd is also hoping to steal some couch space for him and the boys to begin their 90 hour superhero universe movie marathon.

Law Student Entering 97th Week of Summer Holidays Just Feeling a Bit Worn Out

“Am I actually looking forward to going back to uni?” the incoming fifth year asked herself, as she dragged herself out of bed to the couch for the 300th day in a row. 

At first, Sophie Johnson had felt great about her idea to “do nothing” for the summer. Indeed, with no plans whatsoever, Johnson was behaving quite smugly towards her peers who were going straight into clerkships, then into full time paralegal work after Christmas. 

But by about December 10th, Johnson realised that taking time off work meant she couldn’t afford to actually enjoy the holidays. 

Now, as she reluctantly suffers through  more of season 5 of The Crown, Johnson is reportedly starting to feel like 97 weeks of doing nothing is taking a toll. Phineas and Ferb had made a long summer look so easy. 

“Thank god uni starts in a few weeks,” she thinks, “otherwise I’d be completely burnt out.”

Lexapro Found To Be Most Consumed Drug At Laneway Largely Due To Phoebe Bridgers Fans

Just yesterday, the Laneway Festival returned for its annual Brisbane leg at the Royal National Agricultural and Industrial Association of Queensland (RNA) Showgrounds. As if its built-in audience of 16-year-old festival virgins wasn’t enough, following its line-up announcement late last year, the one-day event was sure to be the EKKA for sad people and gay non-men.

Sets from girl in red, Julia Jacklin, Mallrat, HAIM, Joji, and Phoebe Bridgers were destined to imbue the atmosphere with vibes of pining, daddy issues, religious-trauma, lesbianism, and depression. Thankfully, if you weren’t getting all that from the music, inside sources report that similar feelings were stirred from the humid and soggy conditions inside those white tents. 

Special mention must go to Bridgers, who had Brisbane pharbz quaking in their platform, cowboy, and/or doc marten boots at seemingly the biggest event since the coming of Christ. Her set had girls named Demi, Chelsea, Georgia, and (as of recently) Emily inconsolably sobbing; unrelenting chants of “PAUL OR BO?! PAUL OR BO?!” added a unique timbre to the performance; and anyone with a healthy relationship with an older man was tazed on-site. One attendee even told Obiter reporters that she’d “been granted ‘sentimental leave’ from the psych ward so [she] could see Phoebe Bridgers live”.  Another, in what can only be described as a neurotic move, got on a plane straight after the festival to see her again in Sydney.

This evidence suggests that you didn’t need a sniffer dog to deduce that the drug-of-choice at 2023 Laneway was prescription escitalopram. Largely thanks to Bridgers’ presence, the Port-a-Loo Company covering the Festival had apparently been briefed on the potential for overdose-induced Lexaprolapses, but should things go truly awry, we at The Obiter suggest that the proclaimed ‘Bisexual Jesus' should lawyer-up. 

‘Aboriginals Get Everything For Free,’ Says Ex-Private School Boy That Works For His Dad

‘I just don’t believe in handouts,’ says Brenton Chatsworth (19), recently promoted to Sub-Executive-Vice-President-Of-Residential-Leasing at Place Ascot after mowing his dad’s lawn.

Last Thursday, despite celebrating like he did every year, Brenton was annoyed that Indigenous Australians were complaining about Australia day. 

‘I hear they get all these handouts and stuff,’ Brenton said while buying a slab of XXXX with his dad’s credit card, ‘Like why are they trying to wreck my public holiday, I work so hard.’ 

When asked about why he January 26th had to be Australia day he said, “Isn’t it like when the ANZACS died or some shit?”

Despite not making it past an Aussie nibbles reading level, Brenton is adamant about the importance of hard work and earning what you get, apparently. He explained that to get his job he ‘fully had to write a resume and everything man.’ 

He went on to explain, with poor pronunciation and punctuation, that life is hard and you have to work and the government shouldn’t help you out. Brenton seemed unaware that his elite Brisbane private school was heavily funded by the government. Brenton was firm that he earned his recent $10 000 raise and brand-new-totally-not-bullshit title, ‘Bro like we have a truly massive lawn.’ 

More to come.

Designs VP Zoe Rudge Runs For Secretary, Announces Plans To Turn UQLS Constitution Into Canva Presentation

If there’s one thing we learnt in 2022, it’s that Mean Girls references are not an effective way of advertising events.

After all, law ball isn’t on a Wednesday.

Those outside Zoe Rudge’s inner circle were therefore surprised by her policy announcement this afternoon.

‘I will resolve to amend the Constitution so that it’s pink and makes references to Mean Girls at least once every sentence!’ she told an impassioned crowd of supporters outside Forgan Smith.

But insiders at Team Rudge have reassured us that they’re confident she’ll be able to fulfil all her obligations as Secretary of the UQLS through style and colour.

‘General Members will never be happier when blindly voting yes to the minutes of the AGM being an accurate reflection of that meeting because at least the minutes are pretty’, one source told us.

No more to come.