An Obiter Exclusive Interview With Incomprehensible Cricket Legend James Finnimore

[Editor’s note: Thanks to James’ penchant for creative manipulation of the English language, the original text of our interview was basically indecipherable to anyone who hasn’t spent 17 years of their life in cricket changerooms. Accordingly, we have added translations for clarity where necessary]

Obiter: James! Thank you for sitting down with us today ahead of the big game Sunday.

James Finnimore: No worries, brah.

O: Now, to start with, can we get a sense of how the boys are feeling?

JF: Well, I think all the boys have that 2018 Triple J Hottest 100 kind of feel about them. Been putting in a lot of work in Brooklyn, so hopefully we’ve got a couple Edmond Sumner’s, a couple David Duke’s in us.

[The winning song in 2018’s Hottest 100 was ‘Confidence’ – James here means the student team is feeling confident for the game. The NBA team based in Brooklyn is the Nets – ergo, the student team has been hard at work in the nets. Edmond Sumner is a player for the Nets who wears the number 4, while David Duke Jr wears 6 – the student team is poised to hit boundaries on Sunday]

O: And how is the weather report for Sunday shaping up?

JF: Reports are the old Heung-Min’ll be out, it’ll be an absolute Jason. Reckon that might favour us young bucks – fair chance the older lads among the Profession side have Harveys getting about in the heat. You know, sure we’ll feel a bit of Haas in the bacon and eggs running between the wickets, but hopefully we’ll be able to outlast them.

[References here in order are: Tottenham star Son Heung-Min, meaning ‘the sun will be out’; golfer Jason Day, meaning it’ll be a ‘day for it’, slang for a beautiful sunny day; Harvey Norman’s practice of interest-free shopping, meaning ‘the Profession side will have zero interest getting about in the heat’; and finally, the combination of Broncos prop Payne Haas, and bacon and eggs as Cockney rhyming slang for legs, meaning ‘sure we’ll feel a bit of pain in the legs running between the wickets’]

O: Let’s go to you personally for a second – how are you feeling ahead of the game?

JF: I’m hearing the pitch is a bit of an Ike & Tina [a turner], so hopefully I’ll get into the game a bit with the ball. Create a couple of Kyrgios’s [nicks], get De Gea involved [Manchester United goalkeeper David De Gea – here a reference to Student XI wicketkeeper.] Would love to get Josh Hallikos or Dom Katter – would be absolute Charlie’s [Charlie Sheen’s, here meaning ‘would be absolute scenes’] if I can snag one of those poles. Won’t bowl too many overs though, will toss the ball to some of the young fellas – call me Marcus Rashford. [Manchester United star Rashford famously spearheads a campaign against youth hunger – here, James is saying he doesn’t intend to let the first-year players, the ‘youth’ of the team, go hungry in terms of wicket-taking chances]

O: Well, that’s just about all we have time for. Thanks for your time, and good luck for Sunday!

JF: No worries, brah. Make sure to get down on Sunday to see UQ Field 9 turn bloooooooooooo! [even I’m not really sure what that means in this context. Like, it’s a reference to the common refrain of Everton FC supporters that ‘Liverpool is blue’, but I have zero clue how it makes sense here specifically. Maybe it’s just a thing he likes saying I guess?]

Funnell Confuses Cricket Match For Networking Event

While the professionals batted, Funnell demanded that be put in slips to ‘sledge’ the opposition. 

“Nice six you just scored! I have actually gotten a six in a law subject before,” said Ben to the Clutz partner.

The BenBot 3000 then went onto list his achievements, including and not limited to: TSS speech and variety club, sergeant in the Australian army cadets and Junior Council Representative for the City of  Gold Coast (real things listed on his LinkedIn).

“Yeah I was actually almost President of the UQLS ahah,” Funnell said, “So I’ve probably got some good leadership skills maybe” 

Despite being widely regarded as unapproachable by most of the student body, Funnell never has issues with socialising with GPS old boys amongst the professionals

It is reported that Ben was asking for nibbles and a drink to fuel his incessant brown nosing.

Come to UQ Field 9 11am to see Funnell in all his glory. 

More to come. 

Garske [c] Finally Emerges From Moot Caves At Prospect Of Cricketing Glory

Will Garske [c] slunk out of his den in the moot rooms just before sunrise this morning. The External Competitions VP’s ghostly skin, unused to sun after a summer in the Lawbry, shimmered in the sunlight as he slunk out of his foul hideaway.

 Tipped off to the Captain's location by a source in the Maritime Law moot team, The Obiter was able to follow him on his journey. Though, it wasn’t very hard, one need only follow the trail of fish heads and Linkedin Kudos.

 "What’s cricket, precious?" confused for a moment, the creature hesitated, "Not moot? Not for cee veee?"

 Suddenly, the formerly frightful figure seemed to glow with a healthy Australian tan, as though the spirit of Shane Warne had infused his body with cricketing power.

 "Yeah, Crix mate."

 Garske's stride lengthened as he left the surrounds of the TCB, the birds singing in the trees welcomed him out of his dark cave, and back into the beautiful Queensland summer. His back, curved from countless hours of reading obscure 1950's admiralty law reports, straightened slowly the further he moved from the Lawbry.

 He pulled out his mobile.

 "Renshaw, mate. I'm done with this mooting shit, let's go hit the nets."

 "Really? You wanna bench for Suri on Sunday? Look, it's a pretty stacked team but I'll see what I can do for you."

 He athletically swung his bat at an imaginary ball. Out of the shadow of his handsome mentor Ryan Catterwell, the cricket champion had returned.

More to come.

 Sunday 5 March UQ Field 9 11am. Be there.

'We're Not Playing For Sheep Stations,' Says KC Bowling 8th Consecutive Bouncer At First Year

It’s that time of year. The Suri Ratnapala Cup is almost upon us. The excitement is palpable.

For some, this annual T20 game of Students v Professionals is an occasion to display their underappreciated sporting talents to their peers. For others, it’s an opportunity to showcase that they’re a “good bloke” to prospective employers. But for David Hains KC (44), it’s just a casual hit in the park.

‘Yeah no, I’m not all that competitive these days haha,’ chuckled Hains, ‘only signed up for this Suri thing ‘cos I wanted to catchup with the fellas from the class of ‘97’.

Coming in at No.8 on a reasonably flat wicket, starry-eyed first-year Tim Timms (17) had no reason not to believe Hains’ comments.

Timsy had another thing coming.

‘Welcome to Law School you little fucker!’ quipped Hains, the former BGS 3rd XI premiership captain and self-described “pretty relaxed customer”, as he launched an 8th consecutive 88km/hr bouncer at Timms in what can only be described as a fairly chaotic first over at the crease.

Peppered with short delivers and chat by an aspiring Magistrate was not how Timms had planned spending the weekend of his 2nd week at Uni.

‘Yeah pretty shocked by the whole thing,’ he told us after the game, ‘I’m already stressed enough with all those readings I have to do for Foundations. I’m borderline ready to dropout’.

More to come.

The Obiter thoroughly looks forward to all 7 spectators that join us on this Sunday @ UQ Field 9 at 11am.

'Fuck First Years Are Clueless', Says Fourth Year Who Still Uses The UQ Nav App

Tom Jones (21), who cannot find the Seddon Building for the life of him, is already fed up with the throngs of lost first years. 

'Why are they all just walking around aimlessly?'

It’s the first week back at uni - the car parks are already full, the scent of Merlo wafts through the air, and college kids are still wearing their stupid little hats with nicknames on them.

One person who appears unaffected by all the excitement is Tom Jones, who is going into his fourth year of Law and Commerce. After pulling into the last park under the hockey fields and checking his timetable, Tom quickly realised he had no idea where the fuck 'Room 82E-W313' was.

'Get out of my way,' he yelled, while elbowing his way through a crowd of excited first years. It is alleged that this is the sixth time Tom has redownloaded the UQ Nav App after confidently deleting it.

Anonymous sources have alleged that Tom missed the icebreaker activities, but made it just in time to see the mandatory social distancing PowerPoint slide.

More to come.

Excited Law Grad Accepts Offer From Clayton’s Utes

"Must relocate to Roma? Great! I love pasta!"

Lifelong city boy and recent law grad Samuel Wilson (24) revealed exciting news on LinkedIn today, with a very late job offer from Clayton Utz. Perplexed, your reporter went to find out more.

 "Yeah, so with everything online my GPA took a bit of a hit, down to a 4.5. But why bother studying if you can pass by copying some sweat? There's a few boys from St David's that still let me have their notes. I didn't get any grad offers though, but that's fine."

 "Anyway, look at this! Job offer from a Big Six firm, proves that 4's really do open doors."

 A closer look at the offer revealed a few discrepancies in Samuel's stories. Namely, that the contract was from Clayton's Utes, the Maranoa's largest work vehicle wholesaler. Further questioning provided some answers.

 "My mate from boarding's dad is the Clayton in Clayton Utz, said he'd get me a job that would toughen me up. I'm not worried about the hours though, Rome's pretty nice. The Colosseum's cool."

 Included in the contract were flights on REX to Roma, which Samuel explained as a codeshare by the traditionally regional domestic airline.

 "The contract says I'll be working with the agriculture and mining sectors, but I didn't think Italy was known for much except wine and marble. Must be a bit of cash in it."

 Your reporter advised him to pack for a warm climate. More to come.

‘Valentine’s Day is a Capitalist Commodification of Love,’ Says Unemployed Boyfriend With No Gift

‘Nah, I definitely didn’t just forget to get you chocolates, babe. And flowers just die anyway!’

 ‘You hate that cringy, romantic bullshit, right?’ he asked his girlfriend of three years, Annabelle Young (22).

Ben, who has been “looking for a law job” for six months, swiftly began his annual rant about Valentine’s Day being a ‘stupid Hallmark holiday’.

‘We’re not Americans!’ he exclaimed, switching the TV to another Super Bowl rerun. ‘What a waste of money. Anyway, should we order Uber Eats for dinner?’

 He went on to explain that it was a ‘bit ridiculous’ that Annabelle’s birthday, Christmas, his birthday, and Valentine’s Day were all within the same six months every year. ‘Couldn’t they have spread them out a little?’

 Insider sources have informed us that Ben still relies on Facebook to remind him of his girlfriend’s birthday.

 Annabelle has declined to comment.

Man Desperately Angling For Excuse To Drink At 9am On A Monday Is “Actually Pretty Into NFL”

Whether you’re looking forward to the highly anticipated ads, Rihanna’s half-time performance, or the game itself, the NFL’s Super Bowl is an event with a little something for everyone. However, for one young Brisbane professional, the highlight is something else entirely: a socially acceptable reason to crack open a beer at 9am on a Monday.

The primetime Sunday night slot in America means the big game kicks off early Monday morning in Australia, and that’s music to the ears of Drew Pearson (24). The young accountant has been hard at work reading ESPN.com and peppering the names of NFL players into conversations at work this week to pre-emptively justify the fact that he will arrive to Tuesday morning’s WIP meeting looking like he’s coming off a weekend in Bali with Michael Clarke.

Pearson, who has brought in a grand total of zero dollars of billable work in the two years he’s worked at Deloitte, even suggested that perhaps the firm should send him as a representative to a networking event (or, as he put it, “like, you know, a corporate thing or whatever”). The swiftness with which his boss rejected this blatant attempt to get drunk on the company card couldn’t deter Drew, who dutifully booked in his leave for Monday and put four Powerades and a Berocca in the work fridge for Tuesday.

Drew’s takes have so far included “yeah, Mahomes is pretty insane hey, and when he’s throwing to Tyreek Hill, look out,” and, “Eagles are good but, gonna be hard to stop Jaden Hurts.” His deep football knowledge will no doubt come in handy when he is absolutely legless at the Victory at 12:30pm.

“There Are Too Many Dating Shows” Says Boyfriend Who Literally Sees A New Marvel Movie Every Week

With the end of The Bachelor season and the beginning of MAFS all in the same week, law student John Carnegie (20) is concerned that the cycle of trashy reality dating shows is never ending.

“I mean the shows are all so fake,” says the young man whose favourite film concludes with a computer-generated robot shooting computer-generated lasers at a computer-generated alien in front of a green screen.

What’s baffling the critic the most is the quantity of dating shows.

“Literally they are turning everything into a dating show now,” said John whose favourite marvel superhero happens to be antman (A superhero that is an ant)

“Can’t believe they’re still making new episodes of this” he adds disgruntled, switching the channel to the 19th season of Survivor.

While reality TV is glueing his girlfriend to the couch at home, at least John still gets the chance to go to the movies every week to watch a new marvel movie. 

The ex-nerd is also hoping to steal some couch space for him and the boys to begin their 90 hour superhero universe movie marathon.

Law Student Entering 97th Week of Summer Holidays Just Feeling a Bit Worn Out

“Am I actually looking forward to going back to uni?” the incoming fifth year asked herself, as she dragged herself out of bed to the couch for the 300th day in a row. 

At first, Sophie Johnson had felt great about her idea to “do nothing” for the summer. Indeed, with no plans whatsoever, Johnson was behaving quite smugly towards her peers who were going straight into clerkships, then into full time paralegal work after Christmas. 

But by about December 10th, Johnson realised that taking time off work meant she couldn’t afford to actually enjoy the holidays. 

Now, as she reluctantly suffers through  more of season 5 of The Crown, Johnson is reportedly starting to feel like 97 weeks of doing nothing is taking a toll. Phineas and Ferb had made a long summer look so easy. 

“Thank god uni starts in a few weeks,” she thinks, “otherwise I’d be completely burnt out.”