Lexapro Found To Be Most Consumed Drug At Laneway Largely Due To Phoebe Bridgers Fans

Just yesterday, the Laneway Festival returned for its annual Brisbane leg at the Royal National Agricultural and Industrial Association of Queensland (RNA) Showgrounds. As if its built-in audience of 16-year-old festival virgins wasn’t enough, following its line-up announcement late last year, the one-day event was sure to be the EKKA for sad people and gay non-men.

Sets from girl in red, Julia Jacklin, Mallrat, HAIM, Joji, and Phoebe Bridgers were destined to imbue the atmosphere with vibes of pining, daddy issues, religious-trauma, lesbianism, and depression. Thankfully, if you weren’t getting all that from the music, inside sources report that similar feelings were stirred from the humid and soggy conditions inside those white tents. 

Special mention must go to Bridgers, who had Brisbane pharbz quaking in their platform, cowboy, and/or doc marten boots at seemingly the biggest event since the coming of Christ. Her set had girls named Demi, Chelsea, Georgia, and (as of recently) Emily inconsolably sobbing; unrelenting chants of “PAUL OR BO?! PAUL OR BO?!” added a unique timbre to the performance; and anyone with a healthy relationship with an older man was tazed on-site. One attendee even told Obiter reporters that she’d “been granted ‘sentimental leave’ from the psych ward so [she] could see Phoebe Bridgers live”.  Another, in what can only be described as a neurotic move, got on a plane straight after the festival to see her again in Sydney.

This evidence suggests that you didn’t need a sniffer dog to deduce that the drug-of-choice at 2023 Laneway was prescription escitalopram. Largely thanks to Bridgers’ presence, the Port-a-Loo Company covering the Festival had apparently been briefed on the potential for overdose-induced Lexaprolapses, but should things go truly awry, we at The Obiter suggest that the proclaimed ‘Bisexual Jesus' should lawyer-up. 

‘Aboriginals Get Everything For Free,’ Says Ex-Private School Boy That Works For His Dad

‘I just don’t believe in handouts,’ says Brenton Chatsworth (19), recently promoted to Sub-Executive-Vice-President-Of-Residential-Leasing at Place Ascot after mowing his dad’s lawn.

Last Thursday, despite celebrating like he did every year, Brenton was annoyed that Indigenous Australians were complaining about Australia day. 

‘I hear they get all these handouts and stuff,’ Brenton said while buying a slab of XXXX with his dad’s credit card, ‘Like why are they trying to wreck my public holiday, I work so hard.’ 

When asked about why he January 26th had to be Australia day he said, “Isn’t it like when the ANZACS died or some shit?”

Despite not making it past an Aussie nibbles reading level, Brenton is adamant about the importance of hard work and earning what you get, apparently. He explained that to get his job he ‘fully had to write a resume and everything man.’ 

He went on to explain, with poor pronunciation and punctuation, that life is hard and you have to work and the government shouldn’t help you out. Brenton seemed unaware that his elite Brisbane private school was heavily funded by the government. Brenton was firm that he earned his recent $10 000 raise and brand-new-totally-not-bullshit title, ‘Bro like we have a truly massive lawn.’ 

More to come.

Designs VP Zoe Rudge Runs For Secretary, Announces Plans To Turn UQLS Constitution Into Canva Presentation

If there’s one thing we learnt in 2022, it’s that Mean Girls references are not an effective way of advertising events.

After all, law ball isn’t on a Wednesday.

Those outside Zoe Rudge’s inner circle were therefore surprised by her policy announcement this afternoon.

‘I will resolve to amend the Constitution so that it’s pink and makes references to Mean Girls at least once every sentence!’ she told an impassioned crowd of supporters outside Forgan Smith.

But insiders at Team Rudge have reassured us that they’re confident she’ll be able to fulfil all her obligations as Secretary of the UQLS through style and colour.

‘General Members will never be happier when blindly voting yes to the minutes of the AGM being an accurate reflection of that meeting because at least the minutes are pretty’, one source told us.

No more to come.

Bible's PR Team Goes Into Overdrive To Transform Image From 'Hot Sports Jock' To 'Corporate Drone'

Bible’s communications director described the attempted rebrand of the current Social Sport Officer and Careers VP nominee as ‘the greatest challenge of [his] professional career’.

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Bible has thrown in the towel on his chad persona to take life more seriously. Like a fish out of water, Jake (who is now asking to be referred to as ‘Jacob’) Bible is trying to convince voters he’s got what it takes to be a career man.

The former Commonwealth Games hopeful has entered a new kind of race out of the pool, onto dry land and into law student politics.

‘Time to settle down. Start a family. Make a career,’ thought Bible.

With clear policy objectives such as ‘everyone should theoretically get a job’ and ‘being hot increases your employability’, he’s a shoe-in for Careers VP. 

He’s already preparing for clerkship interviews, each morning reciting his affirmations in the mirror: 

“My strengths are that I am a person” 

“I like working in teams because they are people too” 

‘Yes!,’ he thought to himself, ‘I’ve got what it takes to work at Clapton Smutz, or whatever it’s called’.

Bible is also smashing the glass ceiling, with the Careers portfolio having been female dominated for the past four years.

Good thing Jake knows a thing or two about being dominated by females. 

We wish Jake all the best in his retirement from professional swimming and keenly await the opening of his consulting firm.

OPINION: Emma Cooney MUST Change Surname To 'Cheerey' If She's To Become Diversity & Wellbeing VP

If Emma’s any chance of becoming VP of Diversity & Wellbeing, she must follow the lead of Cheer Cheese and do away with the four outdated letters in her last name.

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After a successful year as first-year officer, Emma Cooney has all the qualities of a great UQLS VP; friendly, competent and intelligent.

Though, one crucial thing is holding her back – her outdated last name.

Unlike a packet of Cheery cheddar, the last name Cooney has not aged well. It would be a PR nightmare for someone with that last name to be the face of diversity, a PR nightmare that the UQLS may not survive.

Who would be able to cheers ‘Cooney’ at Queer Beers? Who would be able to do other things at the other events that the Diversity and Wellbeing team definitely put on?

Thankfully, a little rebrand can go a long way.

There was a period of time where the ability to tuck into a big bag of shredded tasty cheese in the middle of the night was threatened, but Cheer Cheese was able to bounce back.

We think that Emma should follow suit and change her last name to Cheery post-haste. At the very least, we suggest that Emma changes her last name to Raccooney to give off a friendly and mischievous rather than problematic vibe.

No more to come.

'I'm Running For The UQLS Because I Want To Represent All 8 People That Came To Our Events This Year'

‘Once upon a time,’ remarked disgruntled fifth-year Jack Smith (23), ‘the UQLS was full of hot, fun, social nerds that knew how to throw a rave’. ‘Now…’ he lamented, ‘it’s just regular home brand nerds that run the show’.

Jack’s feedback comes after the UQLS suffered from poor attendance at many of its key events this year.

Students are all too familiar with ‘ticket sales extended’ posts cropping up on their Instagram stories up until 2 minutes before events like ‘first year laser tag/croquet/bingo night’.

It’s even rumoured that the UQLS started sharing its marketing department with the pigeons at Rugby Australia.

What are the solutions to this problem, you ask? Jack has suggested adding a ‘chad requirement’ to all UQLS positions, a proposal which Milton Brown (20), UQLS Administration Officer nominee, vehemently opposes.

‘The UQLS needs a strong voice for both people that attended Trivia Night,’ Milton said in a statement last night.

‘I will be that voice’.

Milton has since taken a 100-0 lead in the polls over his rival candidate, with some punters saying this is partly due to the lack of a rival candidate.

More to come.

‘Nepotism Baby’ Allegations Levelled Against Traves As Family Ties To Salazar Slytherin Revealed

Some are saying she’s the most genuine and approachable candidate that has graced the election race in many years…but don’t be fooled by the soft exterior.

With a Silk for a father and a QUT law academic as a mother, there is no denying that presidential hopeful Charlotte ‘Lottie’ Traves comes from well-established stock.

But the depths of the Traves network was only fully realised late last night after a whistle-blower at Ancestry. com exclusively revealed to us a dark, albeit unsurprising, family secret - Lottie is the direct descendant of the UQLS’ first president, Salazar Slytherin.

The ardent pureblood is now refusing to rule out rumours that she will open the Level Twenty Seven Chambers of Secrets if she loses the UQLS presidential race.

Team Campion has been quick to respond to last night’s revelation, earlier this morning releasing a statement which read:

What do Draco Malfoy, Kaia Gerber and Lottie Traves have in common? No, it’s not devilishly good looks, it’s a bloodline that gives them a quiet helping hand in their respective industries!

When asked for comment, Traves simply told one of our reporters to ‘piss off, mudblood’.

The Obiter cannot disclose any further information out of genuine fear that we’ll be sued in the Federal Court by Traves KC.

Campion Refuses To Shave Pornstache, Campaign Manager Throws Himself In Front of Moving Truck

‘Hmm, that’s odd,’ thought UQLS presidential candidate, Alex Campion, blissfully unaware that his resemblance to Ron Burgundy was responsible for the disappearance of his eighth member of staff this week.

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Excellent experience, great people-skills, and a clear policy agenda, but there’s just one thing wrong with Alex Campion’s run for the top job: the thin, crusty mo that warmly presses against his upper lip.

That was the desperate message that another member of Campion’s campaign staff tried to deliver to the fourth year Laws/Arts student late yesterday evening, but to no avail.

‘I just need to get a head start on Movember, haha,’ joked Campion to our reporters, ironically unaware of the disastrous mental health impacts that his facial hair was having on those closest to him.

In under a week, voters will find out who will hold the keys to the UQLS Presidential Palace, and some are saying that only one razor stands between Campion and the ultimate prize.

More to come.

'I'm Not Fuckin Leaving!' Announces Georgia Perry, Confirming Tilt For Second Term As Socials VP

‘It’s cowardly, quite frankly,’ the 22-year-old told supporters at a raucous campaign launch yesterday evening, taking a swipe at all nine of her fellow UQLS Management Committee members for failing to seek re-election.

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OPINION: Georgia ‘Pez’ Perry might seem beyond reproach, but don’t be fooled. No amount of exclamation marks in her advanced nomination can mask the darkness that lies within.

Be it the violent military coup to overthrow the elected 2022 Vice-President (Socials) and the subsequent annexation of Cloudland, or the stealing of Russell Hinchy’s speech notes before his address at Law Dinner, or her widely known views about the State of Israel, Pez simply can’t be trusted.

Yesterday evening’s address to a triumphant crowd of supporters at the steps of Forgan Smith drew chills from even the most ardent Russian separatists that sit on the 2022 UQLS Management Committee. If the nod to Jordan Belfort was a sign of things to come, it won’t be a bag of crisps that she’ll be handing out at First-Year Retreat next year.

What’s more is that her plans on infiltrating the press in 2023 appear as if they have succeeded; this may shock some readers, so viewer discretion is advised, but The Obiter can exclusively reveal that her and the sole Obiter-Editor-in-Chief nominee for 2023, William Cook, have been engaging in aggressive sexual relations for some time now. So this may be your last time to hear the truth. Heed my warning.

Karaoke, anyone?

Boris Fuming That Another Prime Minister Went Out With More Of A Bang

In horrific news developing today, former Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, is in a critical condition after being shot at a rally while giving a speech in the western city of Nara.

As the world wraps their head around this tragedy, one man who is taking the news particularly poorly is recently resigned British Prime Minister and bumbling sex pest - Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

‘Well thanks a lot Shinzo! This week is just the ruddy worst isn’t it!’ Boris moaned, again demonstrating his keen ability to read the room.

‘Won’t someone think about me in all this??’ he grumbled, furious that another former world leader would dare upstage him like this.

No more to come (probably ever - we fully expect to be cancelled).