Perfect Addition! Man Squirts A Bit Of Ketchup On His Well-Done Steak

A local man has just absolutely nailed it, adding a hefty dollop of Heinz tomato sauce to his beautifully charred, thin, well-done steak. Junior real estate agent, and ‘the next Gordon Ramsey,’ Bryan Reyne (26), has never had a substantial amount of kitchen experience before now, but with this clever move, he is being hailed as a ‘genuine revolutionary.’

When he arrived home from work at 6.15pm, Bryan didn’t expect to spend the next hour putting together one of the most delicious and groundbreaking dishes known to man. Our reports suggest that after changing out of his Tarocash suit into something a little more comfortable, he grabbed a Hahn Super Dry, and set about watching ‘Two And A Half Men’ reruns on Gem.

But when the hunger struck, Bryan’s evening took a turn for the extraordinary. Stomach rumbling, he slapped a rump steak on his entry-level Weber barbecue, firing up the heat to make sure he would kill all bacteria. With one side of the steak charred, Bryan’s lips began to tremble at the thought of crisp, tough meat. But he knew one thing was missing.

Running to the fridge, Bryan made sure he had his trusty 1L bottle of Heinz ketchup. As a perfect addition to steak, pasta, and even cereal, tomato sauce was a central component of Bryan’s kitchen. And then came the moment of truth. Squeezing every last drop of life out of the bottle, Bryan deftly placed the crimson liquid on the black steak. A delicious dinner was about to begin.

As soon as the story was leaked, news outlets around the world have rushed to cover Bryan’s brilliance. The Wall Street Journal’s food writer, Marcus de Pinoquine, described Bryan’s decision as ‘exquisite… the decision of a real prodigy… a man with an instinct for food and a hunger for flavour.’ BuzzFeed immediately released a quiz, entitled ‘What Tomato Sauce Brand Are You (For Usage On Bryan’s Steak)?’

However, we at The Obiter are proud to have gained the exclusive scoop. Talking with Bryan about what inspired him to make such a bold choice, he simply said ‘I love tough steak. I love crushed tomatoes, in a convenient squeezy bottle. Why wouldn’t they go well together?’

A true visionary.

Seriously, What Was Kate Bush Singing In ‘Wuthering Heights’?

The Obiter has spent the last three weeks investigating what Kate Bush was singing in the 1978 hit ‘Wuthering Heights,’ and honestly, we have no idea. We’re reaching out to you for help, with the simple question: seriously, what the fuck was she saying?

We’re not denying it’s a masterpiece of pop, blending deft songwriting and a catchy melody. But we do think the song would be much better if we could hear the lyrics. At this point, there is some doubt in the office as to whether the song is in English. Our Hungarian intern, Grigor Yrksdnlzvq, swears Kate Bush has Hungarian roots, and the song is genuinely in Hungarian. However, as Grigor hardly has a vowel in his last name, we find him genuinely untrustworthy.

A Google search suggested the chorus had the lyrics ‘Heathcliff, it’s me, it’s Kathy, come home now, I’m so cold.’

Bullshit.

Those are sensible, everyday words, rarely breaching three syllables. Simple! ‘Wuthering Heights’ is anything but simple. An anonymous source told us ‘Wuthering Heights’ was actually also a book, so we investigated on the basis that Kate must be singing about a book. But if she was singing about a book, why would she be singing about Heathcliff? And Kathy? If she was singing about a book, surely the lyrics would be about ‘pages,’ ‘words,’ and ‘prose.’ We are still completely at a loss.

Great song. Incredibly confusing lyrics. We need your help.

“What A Beautiful City,” Thinks Athlete Who Will Be Glassed On Cavill Tonight

A New Zealand athlete has been “wowed” by the beaches of the Gold Coast, the host city for the 2018 Commonwealth Games. “This place is just unreal,” Spence Arnold exclaimed as he strolled through Surfer’s Paradise.

Arnold, who is favoured to win silver in the upcoming 50metre dash, is as of press time unaware that he is scheduled for a ritual glassing on Cavill Avenue circa 11:45pm tonight.

“I couldn’t think of a more beautiful host city,” Arnold laughed from his spot on the sand, seemingly unaware that the attractive locals he was admiring would turn on him at the first sight of an empty Cruiser bottle.

Arnold has trained his entire month to make it to the Commonwealth Games and said that dipping his feet into the Broadbeach water made him feel like it was all worth it. This feeling is set to pale in comparison to the feeling of shards shattering on Arnold’s skull after refusing to buy Micko’s favourite Meter Maid a hash brown from the Cavill Maccas.

Arnold, blissfully unaware of the absolute beating he’s set to cop outside Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, was optimistic that the competitive spirit of the Games would change the Coast. “I’m optimistic that the competitive spirit of the Games will change the Coast. This isn’t Schoolies!”

It’s always Schoolies.

Prince Charles Starts To Worry As Crowd Singalong Of 'You're The Voice' Enters Its 14th Hour

In an unexpected and slightly horrifying beginning to the 2018 Commonwealth Games, British heir Prince Charles has been growing increasingly more worried as the crowd singalong of ‘You’re The Voice’ enters its fourteenth consecutive hour.

The Opening Ceremony, held at Metricon Stadium, was supposed to go smoothly, and in accordance with his strict sleep schedule, have the Prince of Wales in bed by 11pm. 30 minutes into the ceremony, all seemed well, with the only interruption being the slightly sad protest of a Mermaid Beach local, who screamed ‘M1, more like a carpark!’ before being escorted away by unemployed Gold Coast Titans players.

However, one hour into the ceremony, the plans were completely derailed as Australia’s favourite son, John Farnham, took to the stage. As his crooning voice proclaimed ‘…we have the chance to turn the pages over,’ every Australian in the stadium began to loudly sing along. Charles was reportedly quite cheery about this, as he is a well-known fan of 1980s Australian soft rock.

The studio recording of ‘You’re The Voice’ lasts approximately five minutes and one second. As the ten-minute mark was passed, Charles remained optimistic that the singalong would end in ‘just a short while.’

But fourteen hours later, with no end in sight, Charles has begun to worry that he might never escape. The crowd has only grown in fervor, with the bagpipe solo alone lasting four hours.

Inside sources suggest Charles’ anger is encouraging him to view Australia in a dimmer light. ‘Filthy convicts,’ he reportedly muttered, gazing on the sea of proud Queenslanders shredding their vocal chords to Farnham’s triumphant cries. As the singalong enters its 15th hour, he is urgently texting his mother, Queen Elizabeth, asking if they can ‘reinstate colonial rule…these bastards just won’t stop!’

Buckingham Palace has refused to comment, although some indicate they have heard the sounds of ‘You’re The Voice’ emanating from Elizabeth’s UE Boom.

Smith, Bancroft Sentenced To Lengthy Bans; Warner Sentenced To Death

Cricket Australia yesterday announced the sanctions that they will impose on the trio involved in the ball tampering scandal that has consumed the cricketing world.

Steve Smith will face a 12-month ban from all international and domestic cricket. Cameron Bancroft will face a 9-month ban, demonstrating his patsy role in the scandal. David Warner, former Vice-Captain, has been sentenced to death.

“Obviously this incident involves varying magnitudes of wrongdoing,” Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland said when he addressed the media yesterday.

“Cameron was led along, and Steve did nothing to stop the plot. Both of them misled the press and the public. However, David developed the plot and even showed Cameron how to tamper a ball. For that, David’s punishment had to be slightly more severe. Having David escorted to the 19th century American frontier where the townsfolk would gather as he spat vitriolic last words before being left to hang by the neck until dead seemed like a reasonable way to go about it.”

Many in the cricketing community have acknowledged that while they do believe Warner’s wrongdoing to be more serious, having him walk a plank of wood into the stormy sea from the deck of the Black Pearl seemed like a disproportionate response.

Shane Warne was particularly surprised. “When I heard that James Sutherland planned to stage a live re-enactment of The Green Mile starring David Warner at the WACA, I began to ask myself whether the punishment fit the crime.”

CA Head of Integrity Iain Roy also confirmed that Warner would not be considered for future leadership roles upon the conclusion of his punishment. “I can’t remember the last time a deceased person successfully led an international cricket team, so a return to that role did not seem tenable.”

At press time, Warner was seen dragging a cross through Jerusalem shouting, “Darren, why have you forsaken me?” More to come.

Barnaby Joyce Growing Quietly Confident He’ll Be Remembered As Second Worst Cheat of 2018

“Yeah this is all going to plan.”

The Former Deputy Prime Minister, and alleged fuccboi, Barnaby Joyce, has expressed his quiet confidence that he will only be remembered as the second most infamous cheat of 2018.

“Steve has done me a real solid on this one,” Barnaby smirked when The Obiter caught up with him at the Tamworth Hotel. “I reckon I’m still in the running for the silver medal for disgrace at this year's Letdown Olympics. But Smudge’s stock has skyrocketed after an incredible campaign.”

Despite also attempting to cover up ball tampering, Joyce was adamant his scandal will be delegated to the dustbins of history. “People won’t even remember me compared to Steve “Breaking Bad” Smith over here,'” he said, sipping his rum and Coke with an air of satisfied relief.

“This would be like killing someone the day before they caught Ted Bundy. How good!” The former Deputy said the scandal had improved his outlook on his own circumstances. “I mean, I’ve got it pretty good really. Smith had to support a team and an entire sport, I’ve just got to support some kid.”

Our interview was interrupted when Joyce received a Facetime audio call from a contact listed as “Cameron.” “Sorry Obiter, better take this.” As Joyce headed for the urinals, an excitable “You did great mate, you did fucking great,” was heard echoing through the tavern.

Listen, we’ve got heaps of ideas for this one and it’s just so up our alley so there’s probably going to be so much more to come.

Peter Dutton To Branch Into Comedy With Satirical Comments About South African Refugees

Following his comments about fast-tracking refugee status for white South African farmers, the Australian public is beginning to suspect Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton is making a genuine transition to satire.

Given the insane nature of many of his previous statements, regular voters had been suspecting the change for a while now. Many assumed he had been a consummate satirical performer all along. ‘I’ve been voting for a while now, and I the only reason I keep returning to the LNP is because Dutton is the smartest, most subtle comedian since Chris Lilley,’ says voting enthusiast Mike Robson with pearls of maniacal laughter.

Dutton has been commended for jumping at the chance to ‘fast-track’ his own satirical career, by releasing comments suggesting Australia should aggressively adopt a policy of prioritizing white South African farmers in immigration considerations.

‘The rapid release of these comments, and their content, definitely signal a move toward full-time satire, possibly following the footsteps of ex-President George W. Bush,’ says professional career analyst. ‘It was a masterful move – you’ve got an aggressive policy declaration based on shaky evidence, a racial group that he won’t be attacked for satirizing, and an opportunity to backtrack on everything he’s been saying as Minister. Huge!’

The comments struck that elusive balance between provocative and ludicrous, and left the public baffled and unsure of what was real. These are all hallmarks of a great piece of satire.

George Bernstein, satirical cartoonist, warns that these are dangerous times for traditional satirists. “They’re going to put us out of a job! Those damn politicians invading our industry and taking our jobs by doing the very things we make a living off them doing!”

Unfortunately, when The Obiter’s Rohingya-diversity intern attempted to reach the Minister for comment, the automated response instructed her not to queue-jump. She is still on hold.

Breaking: QPAY Accused Of (Law) Ball Tampering

Students across the University of Queensland are outraged by recent accusations that popular payment application, QPAY, has tampered with the (law) ball.

In shocking footage which was sent exclusively to The Obiter, it appears that QPAY has used yellow tape to rough up their website, ensuring it would crash regularly as people attempted to purchase tickets to the Law Ball. This shocking act of tampering is almost unheard of, but several in the ball community have claimed this is ‘not the first time they’ve done this,’ and that ‘using foreign objects to tamper with the ball’ is a systemic issue for QPAY.

Students attempting to purchase tickets to the UQLS Law Ball have been left reeling by the tampering, with their chance to enjoy an evening of frivolity severely crippled by this sickening act of cheating.

Even more disturbing is upon these accusations coming to light, QPAY stuffed the yellow tape down its trousers. We reached out to QPAY to ask how a payment application even has trousers. the response was simply ‘…don’t question our methods. We get results!’ Strange.

In a statement released just a few moments ago, Prime Minister and famously sloppy Law Ball attendee, Malcolm Turnbull, has expressed that the tampering ‘beggars belief,’ and it ‘threatens to cripple the national institution we hold dear – getting absolutely fucking blind in formalwear.’

UQLS investigators are currently on a plane to the QPAY offices, with a four-ball suspension a likely penalty for this sickening occasion of cheating. In the meantime, if you know anyone affected in any way by this awful event, please get in contact at obitereditor@uqls.com.

Yellow Tape Files Sexual Harassment Claim After Being Forced To Touch Cameron Bancroft’s Ball

Adding to the cricketing drama unfolding in South Africa, the piece of yellow tape has filed a sexual harassment claim against Cricket Australia and opening batsman Cameron Bancroft, after being forced into contact with Bancroft’s ball(s) during the recent Test match.

The yellow tape, addressing the media this morning, revealed that it has been ‘completely distraught,’ ever since the actions of Bancroft on Saturday morning. All the more distressing is that this harassment was not the actions of one rogue individual; Steve Smith and the ‘senior leadership group’ were all reportedly involved in the ploy to denigrate and humiliate the yellow tape.

In our interview with Bancroft, he has strenuously denied the allegations, saying the tape ‘…never came into contact with my genitalia, mate, not at all.’ However, after this statement, he gave us a ‘cheeky wink,’ indicative of his guilt. Sickening.

The accusations made by the yellow tape have encouraged other victims to speak out, including the ball, who was ‘repeatedly rubbed and scratched,’ by Bancroft, in a manner described as ‘aggressive.’

All the more disturbing is how premeditated these actions were; it begs belief that a casual lunchtime meeting between esteemed and respected Australian cricketers could give rise to this horrific abuse. Cries for a Royal Commission have been met with approval across both parties in Parliament, as the nation comes to terms with how this was permitted to occur.

Stand strong, yellow tape. The Obiter stands with you.

Cameron Clicks “Interested” on Gap State High School Formal Facebook Event, Sits Back, And Waits For The Likes To Roll The Fuck In

Yep. Today is a good day for Cameron.

It started like any other day. Cameron woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across his head. He plonked himself down at his laptop and started to scroll the Facebook feed. All a normal morning for Cameron.

But then he saw it: the Facebook event for The Gap State High School Formal. First, Cameron was bewildered. Why would a school need to make an event for the formal, and why make it public? This just seemed like the exact virtue signalling Cameron had come to expect from The Gap State High School Marketing team. But an idea began to gestate deep in Cameron’s head.

The Facebook event, as mentioned, was public. Cameron’s admittedly limited grasp of IT and technology led him to believe that a public event is open for anyone to engage with. Now this is an important point – Cameron doesn’t go to The Gap State High School. Cameron never went to The Gap State High School. Cameron has never met anyone who attended a state school, let alone one plonked in the gap between two shit hills. Given the public status of the Facebook event for The Gap State High School Formal, it would be sheer lunacy for Cameron to click ‘attending’ on the event for The Gap State High School Formal. He had no intention of attending The Gap State High School Formal, and if he did Cameron would surely be turned away at the door. After all, Cameron had never been enrolled as a student of The Gap State High School.

Doth madness allow itself to reign supreme?

The idea plonked itself into Cameron like an intestinal worm. This was his chance. “Eureka!” Cameron yelled at his Mum, also named Cameron. “I’ve got it!”

“Got what?” asked Cameron (the mum).

“Get out of my room Cameron,” said Cameron.

“Don’t you call me by your name. I am your mother.” Cameron left in a huff.

“Mothers, am I right,” Cameron knowingly muttered to his desk lamp. “You can say that again,” the lamp responded. Cameron had up until this point been unaware that his desk lamp had acquired the power of speech.

Alas, there were more important tasks at hand and that particular spot of desk magic could be delegated to the backbench of Cameron’s schedule for the time being.

Cameron’s plan was flawless. He would click attending to the Facebook event for The Gap State High School Formal. He would sit back. He would relax. And he would wait for the likes to roll the fuck in. “The newsfeed ain’t gonna know what plonked it,” Cameron said as he lit a cigarette in the afternoon sun. “Welcome to laughter.”

At press time, Cameron had received 2 likes.