Local Sicko Drains Tuna In The Communal Sink

University student and reported ‘pervert’ has just disturbed a kitchen full of his fellow students, using the communal sink to drain his small tin of tuna. We have the exclusive scoop on these sickening events which unfolded in the Walter Harrison Law Library.

Caught in conversation, the students were initially unaware of the horror that was about to ensue. But as the pungent aroma of three-day old tuna liquid filled the room, the students knew exactly what was happening. Almost as disgusting as the smell of the tuna-water draining from the can was the sound emanating from the student who was pouring it. Our unconfirmed reports suggest the student was licking his lips and whispering ‘…tuna, tuna, looks delish, make your home between my lips.’

The sick, disgusting perpetrator is believed to be fifth-year Advertising/Law student, Ryan Bryson. With the help of CCTV footage, library security has been able to identify Ryan, and are now in the process of figuring out where his next tute is, so they can ‘ask him a few questions.’

Meanwhile, as the investigation continues, the public outcry from students have grown stronger and stronger. The TCB School of Law has been placed under enormous pressure to implement a full internal investigation as to how such horror could have happened in such a happy place – the home of food. The communal kitchen.

The Obiter were able to glean insight into this sick bastards’ ways by talking to an ex-tuna-drainer-addict, and the woman responsible for the famous ‘Tuna Incident of 1972,’ Sheena Glassey. According to Sheena, ‘…it starts as just a way to ensure you’re not eating tuna that’s swimming in canned water. But then… it becomes all you can think about. All you can dream about. You’re obsessed with that rush, that sweet, sweet rush… Actually, come to think of it, you guys have any tuna?’

Unfortunately, that interview concluded with Sheena’s addiction resurfacing. But until library security are able to secure the freak who drained the tuna, Mr. Bryson, we advise students to walk in pairs. Stay safe out there.

Friend Who Always Pays For Everyone Develops New System For Debt Collection

A local woman, Ashley Andrews, has recently made waves with a clever concept to ensure she is paid back by her friends. The strategy, hailed as ‘groundbreaking’ by the Australian Financial Review, involves a small percentage addition to the amount owed every week the debt is left unpaid. Brisbane’s own home-grown girl is even being hailed by economists as a modern-day Shylock (of The Merchant of Venice fame).

On many occasions, Ashley has fronted the bill for restaurants, organised and paid for group presents, or bought event tickets for a number of her friends. When we spoke to Ms. Andrews she described the action as “not a hassle”, repeatedly saying that she doesn’t mind constantly being owed hundreds upon hundreds of dollars from her nearest friends. Her ground-breaking strategy began to germinate one day when Ms Andrews was so broke that she could not afford shoes, and had to wear tuckshop bags on her feet to university, like the High Sparrow from Game of Thrones.

“I know I am just the most organised person in the group,” Andrews explained to The Obiter, “I just happen to be the first to offer to pay and I’m happy  to do it, I just don’t want it to be awkward but I am sure there are others who would be willing to pay for everyone.”

Ashley’s altruism and benevolence was going largely unnoticed by the wider community, as she made her quiet contribution without seeking reward or recognition. However, tired of making her friends feel uncomfortable by asking them multiple times to pay her back, Ms Andrews formulated a most ingenious way to motivate her friends to transfer her money quickly. She explains that “basically, if you owe me $23 for a present and you don’t pay within one week, the next week you will owe me $23 plus 10%,” Ms Andrews does some quick sum-work in her head and spits out that the friend owing would be required to pay $25.30 the following week and the week after, 10% more of that latest amount. 

Andrews calls the system “intrigue”, and says there is simple intrigue and compound intrigue. The above example which Ashley uses with her friends is compound intrigue. Ashley states that she simply messages her friends when money is owing, and that by replying to the message, they agree to be contractually bound to the system she set up!

The idea has catapulted Ashley into the limelight, with local economists describing it as “…simplistic, but genuinely earth-shattering” and Ashley’s friends describing it as “an absolute crock of shit…” and “highway robbery”. 

Ashley herself is overwhelmed by the responses. Her clever system has not only meant that she has recovered her debts quicker, but she no longer has to work part-time to support herself, she recoups her living expenses from late payments she is owed. 

“The best part about it is that all the extra things are covered too, I would often spend money on gift wrapping and cards and unpaid corkage but now I don’t have to worry about these things burning a hole in my pocket because the cost has been passed onto the end-user… I mean, my friends” says Ashley Andrews. 

Ashley’s gift of giving has extended even further recently, where she has offered to pay for a house for one of her friends. “I honestly don’t mind, I know I will get paid back in a few decades. They will know to pay me back because if they don’t then they will have to pay lots of intrigue so really everyone wins!

Report: Dad Getting Worryingly Close with SBS On-Demand

For some time now, the Cooke household has been tense. While David Cooke’s affinity for free shit has been a common theme throughout his life, only now is it beginning to cause concern for his family. According to his eldest daughter Lily, things have gotten out of control.

“He won’t stop watching fucking SBS On-demand.”

The embattled teen says that what began with a fairly innocuous recommendation from some dolt at her father’s work to watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi has snowballed into a full-blown addiction to Scandinavian crime drama.

David’s three children all claim to regularly see their father glued to his iPad for up to nine hours at a time while using the streaming service.

“I never get to fucking play Doodle Jump anymore!" sobs fourteen year old Bella, the youngest of the family.

Sources close to the bargain hunter say that the app has catapulted itself into third position on Cooke’s favourite digital hobbies, just behind sending poorly punctuated text messages and never closing any apps on his phone. At press time, Mr Cooke was quick to jump on the defensive. “I’m the bloody paterfamilias, I can watch what I bloody well please!” stated the 54 year old, apparently having absorbed some of that weird Roman period drama he’s been getting into.

While the loss of paternal figures to budget streaming services continues to grind down family values nationwide, CEO of the SBS Michael Ebeid says that “it’s all gravy”. “I’m getting paid like 4 cents for every 40 minutes of mediocre television this bloke watches! Dollar Dollar Bills y’all!”

Dollar Dollar Bills indeed.

Local Man Inspired To Clean His Room A Bit After Watching ‘Queer Eye’

In a trend that is growing increasingly common, a local slob, Greg Burns (22), has been suddenly inspired to clean his room and take a shower after watching an episode of the popular Netflix show, ‘Queer Eye.’

The show follows five gay men, experts in the fields of fashion, culture, and food, as they attempt to improve the lives of men, who are typically sloppy and/or slobs. The incredible transformations and emotional themes of the show have contributed significantly to its popularity, but today, they contributed to Greg Burns’ realization that he “needed to get it together.’

Conveniently ignoring the fact that the show’s incredible makeovers are due to the comprehensive efforts of five experts, Greg has decided he can turn his life around by tidying up his bedroom and have a shower. Because he still lives with his parents, Greg realised he wouldn’t be able to do a complete home makeover. Similarly, because he is lazy and unmotivated, it is unlikely Greg will be able to do more than make his bed, and do a light vacuum.

However, when interviewed by The Obiter, Greg has revealed sweeping plans to ‘be the man I was born to be.’ He plans on painting his room white, to make it feel more spacious, and hanging framed photos of the beach on the wall. He also intends to commit to a comprehensive skincare routine, which will take 30 minutes each day - a ‘low price to pay for self-respect,’ according to Greg.

Greg finished an episode at 3pm, and as 5pm approaches, his initial burst of inspiration seems to be fading. After having a shower and taking a look at his skin, he has reportedly decided that it’s ‘actually all good,’ and that 30 minutes is a waste of time anyway. The big plans for the room have been replaced with ‘replace the sheets.’ Our punters suggest that in one hour, ‘replace the sheets’ will give way to ‘lie in the bed and have a pre-dinner nap.’

Upon waking from his pre-dinner nap, we suspect Greg will fire up Netflix to watch another episode of Queer Eye, continuing this sad, sad cycle. We wish him the best.

High Court of Australia Now Accepting “I Was Hacked Bro” As A Criminal Defence

Sending shockwaves through the legal community, the High Court of Australia has just confirmed ‘I was hacked, bro’ can be used as a defence to criminal charges. In a landmark decision handed down just this morning, James Biggson, originally convicted of ‘sharing someone’s profile picture on Facebook (s282)’ has successfully appealed to the High Court, who overturned the conviction, and suggested that the claim ‘I was hacked,’ is now a compelling legal defence to an array of criminal charges.

The legal community had been watching R v Biggson closely, as many were surprised when the Queensland Supreme Court, and the Queensland Court of Appeal, rejected the ‘I was hacked,’ defence. However, some previous cases before the High Court suggested there was some scope for the defence to operate, as in R v Oakwood, the defence of ‘I didn’t mean to send that text, my friend had my phone,’ succeeded. 

But with today’s decision, the legal community is wondering no longer. President of the Queensland Law Society, Janet Hill, has proudly proclaimed this ‘…a momentous decision in regards to the rights of aggrieved parties who have had their Facebook passwords leaked and/or their phone snatched.’ Pundits at the ABC were quick to recall the decades-old case of Twain v The Queen, where Brian Twain’s ‘I was hacked’ defence was unsuccessful in persuading the court that he had not posted ‘im gay haha’ on Facebook. Twain’s case is now under the microscope yet again.

However, some are less pleased with the ruling. TC Beirne’s Professor Sarah Moran, current lecturer in Law & Technology, told The Obiter that ‘…this will simply make it far easier to murder someone, or steal, and claim you were hacked! After all, if we can hack phones, why can’t we hack people? There’ll be so much hacking – we’ll be hacking lunches, we’ll be hacking coffee! And all of it will be legal!’

Policy concerns seem to have influenced the court’s decision, as many recall the great Birthday Scandal of 2014, wherein substantial state resources were wasted in wishing people happy birthday when it was not, in fact, their birthday.

Nevertheless, as a new day dawns, Australians will now be safe in the knowledge that, no matter what might occur, they can always say ‘I was hacked. Bro.’

“This Is Going To Make One Hell Of A Screensaver!" Beams 1939 British War Minister Over Completed 'Keep Calm and Carry On' Poster

LONDON, 1939 - A.P. Waterfield has put the finishing touches on his propaganda magnum opus, a series of posters encouraging British soldiers to 'Keep Calm and Carry On' throughout the course of the upcoming World War. Waterfield, a career civil servant within the Ministry of Information, was tasked with designing artwork that will motivate the British population. However, when he began work on the posters he did not fathom the almighty importance his work would hold for future generations.

"I completed the poster, stepped back and thought "Fuck me that is going to one heck on iPhone lock screen." Waterfield said it filled him with great pride to know that his slogan would provide comfort to many a second year student the night before a  1% tutorial answer was due. "Creating art that transcends generations in order to inspire Under 14 mixed netball coaches whose teams are down 5 goals at halftime is the reason I entered government at this crucial juncture for our nation."

Waterfield is receiving high praise from the military for his contribution. "Keep Calm and Carry On is the reason I get out of bed every morning," Army Lieutenant and head of marketing at Lorna Jane Benjamin Percy told The Obiter. "Waterfield is a patriot."

Waterfield is still glowing about his triumph. "If you had told me in 1937 that my idea would go on to become a desktop display and tote bag, I would have laughed in your face."

Waterfield is now reportedly drafting his next motivational concept, 'Keep Calm and Eat Burgers."

Gutsy Half-Century In Wii Cricket Convinces Man He Could Play For Australia

After grinding to 52* from 122 balls in Wii Cricket, a local man, Mark Moran, is convinced he could make the transition to becoming a full-time test cricketer for Australia.

Despite his cricket experience being limited to a few matches for 8D Gold in high school, Mark’s technique and patience with the Wii remote in his hand have persuaded him he has the talent and skill to take his game to the next level. Coming in with his team in trouble at 4/77, Mark executed a glorious cover drive to the boundary off his first ball, leading the crowd of Miis to celebrate wildly. But he needed more than flair to take his team to a first-innings lead – he needed patience, which he demonstrated across a three-hour innings that his mother described as ‘…has he serious been playing for three hours? Shit, he needs a job.’

His timing and execution has convinced him he should message the Australian cricket team on Facebook, and see if they need a new batsman.

‘Yeah, to be honest, I know it’s just a video game, but it’s the same basic skills right?’ said Mark, in an interview with The Obiter. ‘And ultimately, cricket’s a mental game… I’ve got all the mental elements right here!’ he yelled, pointing aggressively to his head, almost poking his eye in the process.

After getting in touch with Darren Lehmann, coach of the Australian cricket team, we can confirm that Wii Cricket is often used as selection policy, second only to actual cricketing skill and/or the game of nerve and patience, Jenga. However, Mark is unlikely to gain selection to the Australian team anytime soon. According to Lehmann, “…we’re looking for destructive, powerful hitting in Wii Cricket. Something like 223 off 48 balls. Save the gutsy half-centuries for the test arena.”

Upon hearing these comments, a shattered Mark has turned to Wii Tennis in preparation for a wildcard entry to Wimbledon. After slamming a forehand down the line, the Wii remote reportedly slipped and shattered his TV screen, leaving two shattered things in Mark’s living room. More to come.

Flying Cock Band Mix It Up With A Daring Flume Cover

Birdman Randy, the popular house band at Brisbane hotspot The Flying Cock, plan to take what they describe as a ‘massive creative risk’ by covering a song originally performed by superstar Australian DJ, Flume.

Speaking to The Obiter, the notably charismatic and charming lead singer (who you definitely feel like you know from somewhere), said ‘This is going to make some waves.’

‘No one in Brisbane will have heard a cover like this before… unless they were at the Cock last Saturday.’

The band, who plan to ease the dancefloor into the evening with that same Sticky Fingers song you hear every time, will wait until the venue is at maximum capacity before dropping the bomb that is a Flume cover.

The drummer guy could hardly contain his excitement. ‘The floor will packed, the vodka Red Bulls will be ordered, the All Hallows girls will be near the front. And then…they’ll hear… ”when you say it like that woah oh ohhhhhh!”’

Birdman Randy will begin Flumefest with Say It, before kicking on into Never Be Like You, before taking a left and pumping out a rendition of Say It. The band plans to take a quick breather before diving back in with an arrangement of Never Be Like You. To throw everyone off the scent, a sneaky Ignition (Remix) will be dropped on the floor, only to be mopped up by No Scrubs with support from One Dance. Then, out of nowhere, sneak attack: Say It. Never Be Like You. Then to as the lights come up for close, the big closer: Say It.

Safe to say it: you do not want to be anywhere but The Flying Cock this Saturday night. Or next Saturday night. Or the one after that.

Student Decapitated By Dyson Airblade In Law Library Bathroom

The Walter Harrison Law Library has reported its first death of the week, following a recent pattern of gruesome ends for students visiting the library’s bathroom facilities.

First year student, and serial sweater, Ari Biggson, was today subjected to the relatively stressful reality that his head had been cleanly removed from his shoulders, after attempting to dry his neck under the Dyson Airblade in the Level 2 Law Library bathroom.                                         

“Ari was running up the stairs, because he was late for a seminar, and the exercise, in addition to his nerves about the seminar content, contributed to a pretty heavy flow of neck sweat,” Ari’s girlfriend/pre-widow Samantha Quincy told The Obiter through tears. “He told me he was just popping off to dry his neck before class. I thought he meant with towels.” Samantha quivers.

“I thought he meant towels.”

Paramedics were quick to the scene, but got caught up talking to a guy they hadn’t seen since Year 12 on the Great Court. Once they managed to shake the lurker, it was too late.

“From what we can see, the deceased stuck his neck under the Dyson Airblade,” said head Paramedic Susan Bulance. “Probably not the best strategy, as those things pack some heat. In fact, with that amount of force they issue, we in the paramedical field are required to refer to the Dyson Airblade by their technical name: planes.”

Dyson issued a short statement on the tragedy, claiming, “…at least the boy died dry. It’s more than many of us could ever ask for.”

Rest In Peace, you dry, dead boy.

Law Graduate Nervously Refers To Family As ‘Housemates’ At Friday Drinks

23-year-old law graduate Bethany Peters, who still sleeps in the bedroom she grew up in, has made the split-second decision at her firm’s Friday afternoon drinks to refer to her parents and younger sister as her “housemates”.

Friday drinks are a hallowed tradition at Ms. Peters’ firm, Willoughby Robertson, and after polishing off the first round of pints at Jade Buddha, her much older colleagues began to discuss sharehouse horror stories, in great detail.

After countless tales of filthy bedrooms and embarrassing housemates, Bethany became rapidly aware that she was the only one at the table not contributing. During a silence, she nervously stated “yeah, same… one of my housemates always borrows my clothes without asking.” Our reports indicate she was, in fact, referring to her 17-year-old sister, Veronica Peters. A round of polite groans and cries of “ugh, the worst” gave her the confidence to commit to her account, and Bethany was soon lamenting to her workmates about a number of topics, all concerning how terrible her ‘housemates’ are.

“Two of my roommates never make my younger roommate do the washing up,” said Bethany, following up with “…they only started to let my boyfriend sleep in my room last year - they didn’t want to set a bad precedent for the share house!” Looking around the table, she made sure everyone was intently listening to her next anecdote, knowing it was absolutely killer. “When I was 6 years old, I walked in on two of my roommates absolutely going at it under the covers… I’m only now just starting to appreciate how mentally scarring it was,” she whispered. When Mark from IT agreed, stating “it’s just the worst to walk in on one of your housemates getting a good dicking,” our sources suggest Bethany winced uncomfortably.                                                   

Not wanting to appear too negative, Ms. Peters concluded her rant on a positive note. “I mean it’s not all bad, two of them pay for the WiFi, and the youngest one will always bring me a toilet roll to the bathroom if we’ve run out!”

The Obiter is awaiting further reports on whether her deception was completely successful.