Covered-Up Laptop Camera Clear Evidence Local Man Gets Up To Some Pretty Crook Shit In Alone Time

A small square of paper sticky taped over a laptop camera is a sure sign that the owner gets up to some pretty weird shit in the confines of their home.

A study conducted by The Obiter has concluded a positive correlation between a student’s ‘concerns for privacy’ and the level of genuine depravity in their masturbation habits.

‘My main concern is that the government is able to pinpoint my location through the camera,’ lied Jimmy (19), who is partial to Japanese tentacle porn.

The Obiter can also reveal that the more innocuous a persons alleged reasoning for covering their laptop camera, the more taboo their sexual preferences.

‘I’m worried that the Russians can hack my computer and watch me sleep,’ fibbed Dave (21), who is a member of the Dead Hand Gang.

The results of one of the of over 40 000 anonymous participants showed that those who described their sexual preferences as vanilla-mild were less concerned that the Government could be watching them choke the chicken.

While those who admitted to being more adventurous showed far greater concern that their best Michael Hutchence impersonations would be caught on film.

‘We are entering a brave new world where political smear campaigns will have a far more literal and disturbing meaning,’ commented one senior demographer. ‘But as Syndrome said, when everyone is super, no one is. We’ve got footage of everyone regardless of your futile attempts to cover the camera so don’t worry, it’ll only be an issue if you hold public office in the future.’

No more to cum (bazinga).

Local Psychopath Still Waiting For A Sequel To ‘Eragon’

It truly is the big blue feathery elephant in the room that needs to be addressed.

At least, Rachel Stone, 22, truly believes it is. After literally wetting herself with joy at the release of 2006’s Eragon, the movie adaption of Christopher Paolini’s 2003 novel of the same name, Stone has waited 12 (!) years for the movie adaption of the much-better sequel, Eldest, and less so the last 2 books of the ‘Inheritance Cycle,’ which even she admits were pretty shit.

“But man…. Just can’t wait to see Eldest! It’ll be hard when Ed Speelers plays Eragon 12 years later, but I guess he’ll just look older from his experiences.”

When asked whether she thought the book series was far too derivative of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, Rachel visibly blanched, muttered ‘Brisingr’ under her breath and gently stroked the two blue-painted semi-automatic machine guns she has tied on strings from her ceiling which she calls Saphira and Thorn.

“Eragon is an orgasmically good film. Eldest will be even more so. Again, pretty chilled about the next ones after that BUT BY THE GREAT BLACK DRAGON SHRUIKAN GIVE ME ELDEST THE MOVIE!”

The Obiter’s interviewers quickly left shortly after that. Perhaps a film will come out? We at The Obiter recognise it will be hard restart, especially after the death of both Jeremy Iron’s character and Ed Speeler’s acting career.

When author Paolini was asked about it from the basement of his parent’s house from which he (true story) received home-schooling until 15 and then published Eragon the book. His response was ‘get out’. Which is funny, ‘cos that’s another film!

Is the future bright like Arya the hot-elf for the Inheritance Series? Maybe only Glaedr or Solembum knows, but if a movie does come out, you know that Rachel Stone will be rushing to the cinemas quicker than you can figure out how to properly pronounce the name ‘Murtaugh’.

None to come.

Inspiring: Brave Seven-Year-Old Yells ‘Impeach Trump!’ During SOSE

In an inspiring turn of events at Caboolture State Primary School in Queensland’s South-East, a seven-year-old student in Year 2 has yelled ‘Impeach Trump! Impeach the Dumpy Drump. More like Donald J. Chump!’

Henry Parsons, aged seven, loves Ben 10, playing with his friends, and New York Times opinion pieces which dissect the myriad failings of the Trump administration. The comment came during a SOSE class where under-paid and over-worked local teacher, Ms Susan Lee, was attempting to inform her class about the Eureka Stockade battle of 1854, in Ballarat.

As Ms Lee was discussing the conflict between working-class Australians, and British police officers, the cogs in young Henry’s brain began to work overtime, linking the idea of class struggle in 1850s Victoria with the class struggle between the have and the have-nots in contemporary United States.

Henry could wait no longer. He had to speak up. After all, as his Dad told him, Trump is a big old doofus!

After his incisive comments were made, it is reported that Henry looked at the class for rampant applause and hollering, but was met with silence, except for Declan Gould (7), who kept eating glue like the genuine boofhead he is. Undeterred, Henry pressed on, telling his class and Ms Lee ‘The Drumpf presidency? More like the Drumpf DISASTER!’

Wow. Seriously, wow.

Sometimes, you forget the capacity children have to form nuanced views, to form arguments on a range of complex issues, and then someone comes along who reminds you of the incredible power children have.

Stand tall, Henry.

Sore Throat Polite Way For Head Cold To Let Local Man It’ll Be Visiting Tomorrow

Despite feeling relatively healthy, a local man’s day has just been ruined by realizing that he will wake up sick tomorrow.

Scientists at The Obiter’s research compound have identified that the scratchy throat experienced prior to full blown sickness is really just a courtesy call.

‘I just need somewhere to crash for a couple of days after I got sneezed out of a kindergartener but I was raised to always call ahead and never drop in empty handed so I send a tingly throat as a bit of a heads up,’ explained Keith, who is a common cold virus, and a die-hard South Sydney fan.

We caught up prospective host with Darren Leadman (23) after he was seen desperately scanning the vitamins section of his local Woolies.

‘Maybe if I take like 4 of these Swisse Ultivites I can stop this cold in its tracks. I rang mum to see what I should take but she just told me that it’s my fault for not wearing a jumper the other night. That self-righteous woman!’

It appears that Keith plans to set up camp in Darren’s sinuses for a couple of days, or until the white blood cells move him on and is unphased by any attempts to ward him off.

White Male Obiter Editors Pretty Unsure Whether To Do A Serena Williams Article

‘We might sit this one out,’ said one of the white male editors.

‘Probably a good idea,’ said another.

‘I like tennis, but I feel like we’re probably not in the best position to offer a nuanced and insightful satirical take on this Serena Williams situation,’ said yet another.

‘You might be onto something here, boys,’ said the white female editor, her sarcasm lost on the pack of goobers who write for this publication.

‘You know what? Let’s stick to jokes about uni and/or beers,’ said the first, greeted with cheers, hollering, and exclamations of ‘I’m going to do an article about MERLO’S!!’

No more to come.

Bureau of Statistics Confirms Link Between Having Your Degree In Your Bio And Being Dead Boring

Fresh news out of Canberra, as the Australian Bureau of Statistics have finally confirmed a statistical link which many have suspected for some years. Studying the social media accounts of 1000 randomly selected Australian students, the ABS was able to conclusively find a causal link between having your degree in your biography, and being a painfully boring human being.

In a year long survey, the ABS examined the Facebook, Instagram, Tinder and various other social media accounts of people who consider their degree so mind-bogglingly important, they simply have to keep it in their bio.

Linkedin was omitted from the search, for the obvious reason that the premise of the website is very much to highlight the degree you study.

The study concluded that these people consistently ranked in the most boring quartile the Australian adult population. We’re not entirely sure how the ABS were able to conclusively conclude on who the most boring quartile of the population is, but we’re fairly confident criteria involved would’ve included drinking Coronas, watching The Block, being concerned about dietary fibre, and hating budget deficits (live a little!).

An ABS spokesman spoke with some trepidation after announcing the results of the research in a press conference, suggesting ‘This does not mean all Australians necessarily become boring as a consequence of their degree being in their bio… but our research supports the idea that a substantial majority have become boring as a result.’

‘Post hoc ergo propter hoc’ is a Latin phrase which means ‘after this, therefore because of this,’ (also the name of a terrific episode of The West Wing). Oftentimes, people mistake correlation for causation - suggesting that because one event came after another, it must necessarily have been caused by the first event.

However, that is no mistake when it comes to being dick boring, as it is in the case of having your degree in your bio.

Get it together. No more to come.

Student Who Said ‘I’ll Never Attend Another UQLS Event’ After Law Ball Fuming He Missed Out On Law Dinner Ticket

In the wake of Law Ball 2018, Jeremy Westin (21), a fourth-year Law student, boldly swore off UQLS events for good. In a post which he assumed would have enormous impact, he had stated publicly on his Facebook page ‘Law Ball #neveragain. Not enough beer, not enough good times. Fuck law events. I’m done.’

However, despite his stated position, it has come to our attention that Jeremy is absolutely fucking fuming he missed out on a Law Dinner ticket.

Whilst his friends were slightly more on the ball, snapping up a handful of tickets for themselves, slow Jeremy was not able to, and is now feeling just genuinely awful about himself.

‘It’s such bullshit,’ he told us, in an exclusive interview, that isn’t really ‘exclusive,’ it’s more just that we were the only people who were willing to listen.

‘Why did they sell out so quickly? I was literally 20 minutes late. I was so keen to go to Cloudland. Plus, the UQLS OWES me after Law Ball. My ticket should be FREE.’

Grumpy Jeremy, as he will henceforth be known, was last seen trying to convince his friends to go to Business Ball so he can feel like a part of something again.

If you have any room on your table of twelve for Law Dinner, whatever you do, no matter how he asks, you have to remember: don’t let Jeremy in.

Local Sheep Waiting for Friend’s Opinion Before Deciding Whether The Falls Lineup Is Good Or Not

‘Well I’m obviously going, you think I’d change that just because of who’s playing?’ asked a bewildered Taylor (19).

It is believed that Taylor is aware of the artists, likes a lot of them, but is afraid to express this due to the division shown by opinions on the announcement post.

‘I just don’t know whether I should be responding negatively or positively when people ask me what I think of the lineup.’

One of the criticisms that has been raised by almost 400 punters on the Triple J announcement post is that the festival features many acts that have been recycled from previous years. However, in an investigation conducted by The Obiter’s in-house demographers revealed that the majority of people who have ‘love’ reacted such comments cannot recall the entirety of the 3-day festival.

We asked Taylor if this was a pressing issue.

‘Oh I don’t actually care about seeing an act again I just want more variety so I have more artists I can tell people I’ve seen live.’

A commenter asking, ‘When are they announcing the headliners?’ has garnered over 1000 reactions but not a single person able to inform him that they announced the headliners at 8am on the 31st of August.

Triple J spokesperson Thomas Tillian has released the following statement,

‘It’s cooked, they’re complaining it’s the same as the Splendour lineup minus some big names but do you know how hard it is to convince artists to fly halfway around the world to play at a glorified bush-doof at the best of times? Let alone when it’s pushing 40 degrees Celsius!’

The punters are hoping there is more (act announcements) to come.

John Millman Joins Kalyn Ponga, Brodie Croft, And Jaydn Su’a In The ‘Do You Know He Went To Churchie?’ Club

John Millman may have beaten Roger Federer in one of the great tennis upsets of this decade, but his monumental victory has brought him to something far more significant than a quarter-final appearance at the US Open.

With his efforts against Federer, Millman has become part of one of the most exclusive, incredible clubs run solely by Churchie Old Boys who have nothing else to talk about.

The ‘Did You Know He Went to Churchie?’ club.

Whilst there is no formal membership application, The Obiter understands the process of joining this club simply involves becoming famous enough, whilst under 30, to give Churchie Old Boys a ready-made conversation starter should they seek to impress anyone.

We believe no-one is impressed by the fact another successful person went to a school you also attended through no effort of your own, but hey, don’t let that hold back a ‘Yeah I knew Millman’s younger brother,’ or a ‘Brodie Croft hi-fived me once.’

We ran a report earlier this year regarding the explosive use of Kalyn Ponga references after his selection for the Queensland Maroons, and whilst Millmania may not reach the same heights as the ‘Ponga Phenomenon’ or the ‘Krazy Kalyn Konversations,’ it is still pretty clear John Millman will be freshly on the lips of those filthy Anglicans over the coming days, weeks, and dare we say it, months.

Meanwhile, students of Gregory Terrace are sort of stuck saying ‘Hey, you know Josh Lawson went to my school? Yep. The guy from Thank God You’re Here. Pretty cool, aye?

Journalists Catch NRL Players Drinking, The Pope Being Catholic

Thank God for the investigative journalists from The Daily Telegraph. In an act of sheer heroism, and one which demonstrates enormous integrity, they have put their livelihoods on the line to capture photos of rugby league players drinking to excess on a ‘Mad Monday.’

No-one could have guessed that these footy players, after a long and gruelling season, wanted to enjoy themselves with a number of beers on the first Monday they’ve had off in almost a year. No-one but these brave journalists, who caught them right in the thick of the act.

But they have done more than just catch Bulldogs players enjoying themselves. In a genuine masterstroke, they have also gone and caught the Pope in the act of Being Catholic.

What?!

You heard us. Pope Francis, a papal icon and head of the Catholic Church, has been captured blessing youth, watching over the sacraments, praying, and broadly doing very Catholic things. Thankfully, a pack of noble journalists were there to catch him in the act.

Good from you, sneaky Francis. But the Telegraph is always a step ahead. You can’t out-think them. You can run, but you can’t hide.

It’s a relief to know that this important work is being done. Because, at the end of the day, who honestly cares about misconduct by the banks, or the escalating cost of living, or the revolving door of Prime Minister-ships, or the fact that James Blunt sings ‘My life is brilliant’ and then doesn’t sing for another ten seconds at the start of ‘You’re Beautiful,’ which really throws you off, or immigration?

I know I don’t care about that. The most important thing will always be whether or not NRL players are drinking alcohol.