Ambulance Called To The Great Court After Flyer Literally Shoved Down Student’s Throat

Harrowing scenes are unfolding on the Great Court, with reports emerging indicating first-year Jacinda Watson (18) has been rendered unconscious after a rabid student politician has literally, brutally, violently forced a political flyer down her throat. Paramedics are on the scene, treating the tragic victim, while police are still combing the grounds for the man responsible.

According to onlookers, Jacinda was making her way from the law library to Pizza Caffe for a spot of lunch at approximately 12:30pm when she began passing the bright shirts. Three members from rival factions approached her from all sides with fliers outstretched, each chanting their own parties’ mantras. Ms Watson attempted to run but the men gave chase, like a pack of animals.

‘It was pretty cooked, they were all shouting like ‘Take a flier! Please! I beg of you!’’ said one eyewitness.

‘One of them was even crying, and another was muttering ‘What have I become?’ under his coffee breath as he was running.’

Police are desperate for more information about the suspect.

‘So far we we’re told that the perpetrator was an early 20’s male, of average height, with an average rig, wearing a bright shirt, boat shoes and club master sunglasses,’ said Detective Senior Constable Under-Sergeant Lieutenant Brigadier Watson (his rank is Detective Senior Constable Under-Sergeant, it’s just a happy accident that his full name is Lieutenant Brigadier Watson).

‘At this rate we’ll be arresting everyone. Good. They all deserve a taser in the gonads,’ suggested the disturbingly violent law enforcement officer.

A statement issued by University officials reads ‘We have been informed that Ms Watson was dressed as though she hadn’t already voted and remind all students to remain safe during these risky times.’

Just when you thought Peter Hoj twerking to ‘Gangnam Style’ at an alumni function was as out of touch as they could get!

Get well soon Jacinda!

‘What Drought?’ Says Local Fish

Australian farmers have been ravaged by drought throughout 2018. The devastating refusal of the sky to piss has led to unimaginable hardship for the agricultural sector.

One demographic of the Australian populace, however, has not been feeling the effects of the drought: fish.

‘Mate I fucking swear to God if I hear one more coward bitching about the drought I’m going to lose my shit,’ a fish told The Obiter in an exclusive swim-down interview.

‘All these people on Facebook and ABC’s The Drum being all like “there’s no water, there’s no water!” I’m like, mate don’t know about you, but I’m surrounded by the shit.’

The fish we spoke to was adamant that the drought is left-wing conspiracy developed to advance the Safe Schools agenda. When pressed on this, the fish was genuinely unable to offer any evidence to back up this pretty massive claim. ‘Open your fucking eyes,’ the fish spat as he meekly slapped his wet little tail against our arm. ‘The left, mate, they just go on about droughts and water to distract you from all the abortion.’

As the interview went on, it became alarmingly clear to The Obiter that we had somehow managed to track down the ocean’s most alt-right fish. If anything, this was a testament to the importance of careful background checks of your sources in journalism.

All it would have taken was one Google search to reveal that this particular fish was the admin of a Nazi-fish sympathising Facebook page called ‘Adolf Fin: Our Revolution!’

The fish is a shit bloke. There’s still a drought. The fish just lives in a bubble where the harms of the drought don’t affect him. His water tanks are full but those of the farmers are not. Please donate.

Do not give in to the fascist urgings of this mean, mean fish. He’s a shit fish. He’s a bad fish.

Yeah alright think we’re done on this one. Have a great Thursday.

‘God, Hate Being Approached By StuPol Gimps!’ Says Acquaintance As He Approaches You In A Gimpish Way

‘I don’t want to talk to you, mate.’ The thought ran through the head of Bartholomew O’Leary (20), a Commerce/Law student, as a really gooby acquaintance, Mark Steffervescence (19), approached him with a massive dorky grin spread across his face.

As Mark opened his mouth, Bart’s skin bristled with rage, as he knew something weird would come out. Mark’s incessant attempts to begin conversations with Bart often fell painfully flat, as his atrocious conversational skills and bizarre body odour continue to count against him.

But today, Mark felt he was onto a winner with a conversation topic which has dominated the campus for a grand total of two days. Student politics. Student activism. Call it what you will, it has gripped headlines, StalkerSpace, and casual conversation with acquaintances for at least 48 hours. As Facebook feeds become engorged with the efforts of Focus, Momentum, and Revive (not a real party, but God, it sounds like it could be one), so too does casual conversation become engorged with references to how annoying StuPol is.

However, what is often forgotten in these zany days, is that conversation about how annoying StuPol is is often as annoying as StuPol itself.

Still with us after that abject fucking trainwreck of a sentence? Good. Let’s return to Mark’s dorky little opening attempt to chat with loose acquaintance, Bartholomew.

‘God, I just hate being approached by those StuPol gimps! Am I right?’ said Mark. A flash of genuine anger went across Bart’s face, as he wondered whether to tell Mark that he was just as gimpy as the gimps he accused of being gimpy.

But he let it slide. He suffered three more minutes of conversation with Mark, before moving on. Because at the end of the day, in this election called life, it’s not the popular vote people remember. It’s the electoral college.

Tell that to Peter Hoj.

UQ Replaces Schonell With Sick Fucking Waterslide, Awesome Call Legends

Whilst UQ may have thought they could simply knock down the iconic Schonell Theatre and replace it with whatever they wanted, the power and passion of activism over the recent weeks has seriously highlighted the error of their ways.

An outpouring of responses from students and public figures has highlighted a major flaw in UQ’s redevelopment: people care about the Schonell, and you can’t strip it from the student body without a serious plan for a genuine replacement.

But as Vice-Chancellor Peter Hoj announced today (we couldn’t find a way to do the fucked-up ‘O’ in the middle of his name, apologies), they’ve done better than a mere replacement. They’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty here. They’re going to replace the Schonell Theatre with a sick fucking waterslide. We can’t say it enough: seriously awesome call here, legends. We can’t wait to slip and slide our way down it.

The proposed waterslide will be approximately eleven stories tall, and involve at least twelve twists and turns on its way down. With the appointment of five lifeguards to monitor this dope slide, UQ again plays a wonderfully central role in creating jobs for its students.

We can’t way to see BlackBoard replaced with boardshorts, and tutes replaced with water-slide-tutes. As much as student theater is important, the most crucial thing for a sandstone university is to have a cool, cool waterslide at its heart.

Nice job, Hoj. Did you know your last name spelt backwards is Joh?

Just kidding, legend. Slide away.

Calendar Sales Skyrocket Amongst Opportunistic Rapists

Finally, the calendar industry has conquered the most competitive market of all. In a field dominated by Ralph Lauren and expensive criminal lawyers, the humble calendar has finally found its niche among an extremely desirable group (from a marketing perspective): opportunistic, privileged young rapists.

These young men have spent many years searching for surefire ways to plead their innocence if ever forced to confront their crimes (which, let’s face it, they’re unlikely to ever have to). And now, with the Brett Kavanaugh method, also known as the Kavanaugh Gambit, the Bretty Scheme, or the ‘Beach Week’ defence, young criminals know exactly how they can cover up their crimes.

It’s foolproof! All it takes is not writing ‘commit horrific, misogynistic acts of sexual violence’ in their calendar, and they’ll be able to get off scot-free.

We hit the streets to have the finger on the pulse of perpetrators of sexual assault. As easy as this calendar system is, however, some of them have raised concerns.

‘I really do like to schedule whenever I take advantage of intoxicated women,’ stated Robert Huntington-Smythe (22), a Law student and opportunistic sexual predator.

‘Whilst I see the benefits of lying in a calendar, you also risk losing the organisational prowess that is so widely-respected in the sexual predator community.’

There you have it! The calendar system has been thrown into some doubt, much like Kavanaugh’s confirmation itself.

Who would have thought?

Excessive Coffee Drinker Proud To Have Shat In Every Single Toilet On Campus

There isn’t much more to say on this, and even if there was, Samuel Hertz wouldn’t be around to listen to it.

He, like many others whose feet have graced the hallowed halls of this institution, and whose wee wees have graced the hollowed stalls of restitution, drinks far far far far far too much coffee (how much say? – we say too much) and as a result can barely make it through a 1-hour tutorial without bursting either out the door or his bladder.

His one achievement in his many and frequent runs to the loo, Hertz (23) (times a day, that is, and also, he is aged 23) by virtue of not wanting the embarrassment of constantly going back and forth to the same toilet has visited every single (male) restroom on campus, and yes sometimes the disabled one as well when he really needs to go. Who hasn’t been there, done that, and been ridden with guilt as a consequence?

As Hertz says himself, “Sorry, do we have to do the interview now? Really gotta dash. Be back!”

Yuck.

Bond Villain Unveils Plan To Sew World Leaders Together Using Needles Hidden In Fruit

“Vell vell, I waz inspired by zat weird person from Auztralia!” said the villain, slyly, in a vaguely European accent.

Today, The Obiter went deep. Real deep. Several editors snuck into the lair of supervillain Dr Number, who hides in the hidden caldera of a dormant volcano off the coast of Easter Island.

After immobilising the many and incompetent guards, The Obiter thought they’d gotten in until they discovered it was a trap all along, and soon the poor editors were tied up, facing imminent death from lasers and drowning and leaking acid and crushing walls while the vaguely European supervillain spoke in a vaguely European evil monologue.

“You maniac!” cried one editor.

“You want to watch the world burn?” cried another editor, this one with glasses.

“No no no, Mr and Mrs… Obiter. Simply see it come togezza!” said Dr Number, slyly. This sly, sly man.

“With-a my secret army now strategically arranged at all Colez and Wooly Worths, they shall hide sewing needles into every fruit, and soon all ze world leaderz – WHO ALL EAT FRUIT!!! - will be sewn together! Truly, I am putting ze wool over their eyes!” he exclaimed, slyly.

“You maniac!” cried another editor, forgetting the first one had already taken that line.

“And after everyone is sewn togezza…. No one will be!” Dr Number shouted, slyly.

And with that, he slyly hit the lever for all the acid and lasers and sharks to slowly advance on our courageous team.

Well what a pickle we’re in! Will The Obiter 5 escape? Will Dr Number continue his evil plan to take over the world with sewing needles hidden in fruit? Will Avatar 2 and 3 ever come out? Do we even care?

Join us for next week’s episode of The Obiter V: Dangerous Times At Belmont High.

Law Student Constantly Asking About The Legality Of Incest Not Even Doing Crim B

A law student who has spent the last few weeks incessantly asking classmates and lecturers about the legality of incest has been found to not even be studying Crim B this semester.

This student’s name has been redacted for the purposes of this article, but we will refer to him by the initials ‘JH’ for clarity.

JH has spent much of this past month pestering fellow legal minds as to the various jurisdictional approaches to incest in the different Australian states. The vast majority of his peers have assumed he watched an incest trial for his Crim B court report, and simply is seeking assistance in formulating his law reform submission for the assignment.

But with a fateful question today, JH’s cover has been blown, and he has been revealed as, at best, an opportunistic sex criminal.

Our reports indicate that as JH was busy asking one of his tutors whether ‘first cousins are fair game... hypothetically, of course,’ one of his old schoolmates approached and struck up a conversation. In the course of their chat, JH was asked what subjects he was studying this semester (the stock boring conversation question).

He replied simply, ‘Yeah, nah, just doing Admin and Trusts this semester. I’ll do Crim next year, I reckon.’

‘Anyway, first cousins. Where do we stand on that? No, yeah, just hypothetically. How about step-cousins? Step-siblings, even?’

With it now pretty obvious that this genuine creep isn’t even studying Crim B, new Dean Patrick Muhammad Parkinson is unsure how to play this. On one hand, it’ll be good for the Law School to avoid a scandal. But on the other hand, this is genuinely bizarre.

Surely there will be more to come.

Funny Guy Clicks Attending On Facebook ‘Speed Dating’ Event, Is Actually Dead Inside

A local funnyman and self-described ‘zany character,’ Mark Dickson (24) has just hit attending on a Facebook event for ‘Speed Dating’ at Barbara, in an act which is sure to draw laughs from all corners, in line with Mark’s trademark wacky style.

But despite all the attention and admiration Mark will likely receive as the result of this incredibly funny action, there’s one thing Mark is hiding.

He’s dead inside.

Genuinely, soulless. The last shred of caring disappeared when Ben Hunt dropped the ball in the 2015 NRL Grand Final (also the last time Mark has ever cried). Since then, Mark hasn’t felt many emotions deep inside, although if you’ll ask him about it, he’ll probably say something like ‘Yeah, I feel plenty of emotions mate - penis emotions!’

He doesn’t.

And also penis emotions aren’t a thing, what a truly lazy joke from a truly sad man.

As much as he tries to show off with hilarious acts of comic genius, like the ‘Speed Dating’ effort and the even funnier ‘click-attending-to-The-Gap-State-High-Formal-event’ scheme, Mark will unlikely be able to run away from the fact that life isn’t good for someone whose mid-tier job as a data entry specialist is the peak of his life.

Also, Mark, you’re lonely. Go to the speed dating event. Get it together.

Local Hero Secretly Glad No-One Responded To ‘R U OK?’ Insta Post

‘Phew,’ sighed Isabelle McCarron (19) as she watched her Insta story tick over 24 hours since posted, and disappear into cyberspace.

Now Isabelle is able to check her notifications in peace without fear that an acquaintance will take the opportunity to share their inner demons or daily torment. Not all were so lucky.

Brett Fuller (20), social champion with an ‘R U OK?’ post on at least two social media accounts has received more than he bargained for, after an acquaintance has responded with some pretty heavy shit. It appears that a loose friend from tutorials past has taken the post far too literally, and opened up about his inner demons and daily torment.

‘Ah gee whiz Mr Fizz, you’re not supposed to respond,’ muttered Brett.

‘This whole thing is just an excuse for me to show how woke I am.’

It appears that Mr Fuller is woefully unprepared to offer any substantive help to any of his close friends struggling with mental illness, let alone this borderline stranger that he vaguely knows from Trusts A.

‘What am I even supposed to respond to this shit?’ groaned Brett as he dug deep into expansive arsenal of ‘oh yeah?’, ‘ah shit’, ‘that’s no-good mate.’

Throughout the course of our investigation, more issues with R U OK? Day posting has emerged. One source who knows Isabelle from school reported that she once watched her make a girl cry in the bathroom for three hours after calling her a cow. Furthermore, a source close to Brett also claims that Mr Fuller ‘literally roundhouse kicked a Year 8 on the bus for a laugh,’ no less than three years ago.

The corporate world has also taken to R U OK day. McHewitt and Sons held a morning tea promoting a healthy balanced life for their employees, fully aware the long hours and fear of failure had caused many grads to develop anxiety and stress related illnesses. However, any accusations of virtue signaling are all promptly denied. Hang in there troubled stranger from Trusts A.