With the rise of social media news outlet satire, there are some big players in the game. The Onion, that one with the red logo that everyone knows, Amazing Facts with EB, and of course, The Obiter.
These pages jostle and jockey for position like the horsies that go run run on the day that everyone doesn’t work for a while in the country. But like these horses, a true sign of victory is being asked to stop.
Some satirical outlets have received a few Cease-and-Desist letters from the big players in the game of life, proving at the very least a) these outlets have some impact and b) those big players have the same sense of fun as the big mean guy who wants to wreck UQ’s House of Fun, the Schonell, because he hates the arts and having fun and probably drinks beer with a curly straw.*
*If that guy takes offence, please please send us a C&D (we’d just fucking love one at this point).
It transpires that Obiter Editors are now really hankering for that joy of getting the knock on their electronic doors telling them to stop tugging on the heartstrings of the nation through the careful acupuncture of topically sensitive nerves.
As one Editor stated to anyone who would listen, ‘It’s the sign of ultimate respect! Imagine posting that up - the likes! The charisma! Oh shit is it really 10 minutes past 8, my first-year tourism exam just started!’
Inspiring stuff. So far all the Obiter has received are three letters from the Deputy President to be: U and UP?.Alright, ya sex pest.
Fingers crossed for more.
‘You Only Care One Day A Year!’ Says Local Genius In Possession Of Greatest Comeback Of All Time
Jack Patterson (21) is a Tarocash-wearing, Carlton Dry-drinking legend amongst his group of mates, who adore ‘Patto’ for his ‘lethal’ banter, and his ability to ‘totally own any SJWs or whingy girls who try to own us.’
But today this absolute weapon has unveiled his trump card in the field of being unnecessarily argumentative with those who hold honest and justified opinions, by commenting on every anti-horse-racing social media post with ‘but you only care one day a year!’
This nuclear option is not deployed lightly. Jack has spent the last several months devising this powerful slice of verbal gymnastics, this ultimate weapon of mass destruction, trotting out failed variants at Doomben every other weekend.
Comebacks which reportedly failed to make it through include ‘Yeah, but horses are fun to bet on,’ ‘don’t be a cuck,’ and ‘reply to my Tinder message, bitch.’
But after these months of experimentation, he has finally settled on ‘you only care one day a year’ as the masterstroke. Skillfully combining his trademark artful expression, and the sheer power of logic, ‘Patto’ can’t wait to deploy it on anyone who dares hold an opinion he disagrees with on Melbourne Cup day.
‘Seriously, just can’t fucking wait to use it against anyone who tries me. I’ll even do it against people in real life, just trying to have a chat with their friends.’
‘I’m an alpha. Watch and learn.’
Reports indicate the last time ‘Patto’ was sighted was face-down in his own Vodka Cruiser-tinged vomit, scrotum hanging out of his nylon suit pants, with a crowd of his mates taking photos of this ‘all-time great.’
Onya, Patto.
Social Media Activist's High Horse Collapses So She Has To Shoot It
Today features some heartbreaking news coming out of inner-city Brisbane suburb, West End, as a brave young social media activist has been forced to shoot her high horse after it collapsed.
The activist, Kathleen Salisbury (24), is a vocal advocate on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Bumble, for the rights of animals. She has a particular passion for the rights and liberties of horses, with a high horse named ‘Sass Machine’ that she has been riding upon for some years.
But after realising that her high horse has collapsed after a lunchtime at work where she ‘admittedly really enjoyed Flemington Race 7,’ Kathleen has been driven to a position where she has to shoot her high horse.
Putting down animals is never easy, but when it’s a high horse that has served you ever since you first read queer feminist theory in a first-university course entitled ‘POLY1000: Australian Social Policy & Its Consequences,’ it can be particularly difficult. It’s a high horse that even helped your Instagram transition into a fully-fledged campaign account for Stacey Abrams, Democratic candidate for governor in Georgia.
Whilst her friends have informed her that such dramatic measures are probably a little extreme, and she can have nuance in her views, Kathleen reportedly won’t have a bar of it.
‘The agonizing moans of my collapsed high horse can be heard up and down the sharehouses of Vulture St,’ Kathleen informed us.
‘I have to be merciful.’
As a stringent anti-gun activist and committed pacifist, Kathleen admittedly wonders how she’ll go about the actual process of killing her high horse. Starvation? Sleeping pill overdose?
Regardless, today is certainly a dark day for many, least of all the unfortunate high horses all across Australia.
Spooky! For Halloween, This 9-Year Old Dressed Up As His Parent’s Divorce
Halloween is here! The spookiest time of year gives way for all sorts of ghouls and goblins to creep around Balmoral.
But Jamie Adams, a 9-year old from Brisbane, may have already won the spooky award for this year.
Jamie wanted to go further than his classmates this year and dress as the scariest scare he’d ever had: the fateful August day two years ago when his parents revealed they were getting a divorce.
Zoinks! Talk about a scare! Apparently Jamie didn’t see his Dad for 3 months following the traumatic conversation. Solve that, Scooby Doo!
Mummies from Egypt might be scary, but mummies with new boyfriends are even worse, Jamie has learned throughout the most trying period of his young life.
Jamie has gone all out, wrapping himself in the pre-nuptial agreement that his parents forgot to make! Boooo!!
Jamie hopes to win his schools scary award were dashed when his classmate Susie dressed as Mohammed Bin Salman.
More to come.
Cricket Australia Ethics Review Reveals It’s Not Unethical To Find Your Cousin Hot
On Monday, the Ethics Centre released the results of their review of the ethical and cultural position of the Australian cricket team, Cricket Australia, and the state of the sport in Australia. Several fiery revelations were uncovered, particularly regarding the fractured relationship between Cricket Australia and the players.
A number of recommendations have also been made, 42 in total, with the goal of improving the state of the game in Australia.
However, keen observers have noticed a pretty odd theme underlying some of the investigation and recommendations - the Ethics Centre’s obsession with determining whether it’s unethical to find your cousin hot. Spoiler alert: they conclude it isn’t unethical.
On page seventy, amidst a discussion of the endemic cultural issues within Cricket Australia, the review reads ‘... and thus the relationship between the CA CEO and Test captain should improve. Similarly, it’s perfectly appropriate to find your first cousin attractive. The ethical issues which have plagued the men’s cricket team are numerous, but one issue that is well above board is having the quiet thought that your relatives are pretty hot. That’s absolutely fine.’
This conclusion has been described by some as ‘the answer to the question no-one was asking,’ and by others as ‘fucking weird.’
Prominent cricketer and media personality, Shane Warne, spoke out in defence of the Ethics Centre’s decision to investigate what they clearly believed to be a vexing question at the heart of ethical issues in sport.
‘Nah, I fully understand why they did it. Cover all bases, that sort of thing. And besides, haven’t you always wanted to know?’
‘Anyway, my book ‘No Spin’ is out this week so grab a copy before it spins out of your grasp.’
Haha! Get em, Shane!
‘Stop Calling Me A Sex Addict!’: Deputy President Begins Term By Threatening Journalistic Independence
‘Guys, seriously. It’s beyond a joke at this point. People from my work are seeing it, and I’m getting asked a lot of uncomfortable questions - particularly ‘What are you doing this weekend?’ I’d just really appreciate if we could cut it out on the sex addict front. Regards.’
Those words, escaping the mouth of the Deputy President-elect, represent one of the most significant challenges the UQLS will face in 2019.
In a severe threat to The Obiter’s journalistic independence, and thus the integrity and honesty of the UQLS itself, the Deputy President-elect, Mr H Bretz, has threatened to cease funding to The Obiter if articles about his alleged sex addiction continue to be posted.
The Obiter relies on the funding of the UQLS to stay afloat, and to pay its editors salaries well in excess of $740/week. Without the gracious financial bursaries provided, quality news and investigative reporting of the Law School, the University, and the country, would cease to exist as we know it.
But this act of aggression from the Deputy President puts us in a position that some would describe as untenable. Others would describe it as ‘Yeah, just stop posting made-up articles about someone’s sex addiction. It’s cooked.’
A series of phone messages from the Deputy President made his position abundantly clear (his position regarding The Obiter, not the position he traditionally adopts when consummating an evening of sex addiction).
‘It’s just a bit dog, guys, I truly am getting sick of it, and you’ve been getting fewer and fewer likes ever since you started posting them. Might be time to try another joke?’
The integrity and independence of this organisation will never cease. When they go low, we go high. When they say jump, we ask how high, and then we refuse. Our tireless reporting will not halt in informing the public of the myriad details which make up a Law Society.
We will never surrender.
Pictured: The Obiter’s investigative team hard at work.
'Huh, That's Interesting,' Says Student Learning Content For First Time In Open Book Exam
‘Ahhh, that actually makes a fair bit of sense,’ muttered Chris Tooth, a fourth-year law student as he discovered the exception to the hearsay rule in the law of evidence, halfway through his exam.
Of course, this would have been known to Chris if he’d been to a lecture since Week Four, or had opened Blackboard at all during SWOTVAC. However, despite repeatedly telling himself at the start of the semester that this one would be different and that it’s actually time to start taking this degree seriously, this semester was exactly like every other before it.
‘Let’s see if they’ve got any examples in here that are the exact same as the question…. Come on, you good thing,’ muttered Mr Tooth as he flicked through reams of paper, compiled by various classmates all more organised than him, the pages still warm after being spat from a Milton Officeworks printer a mere half an hour prior.
His eyes scanned each page, desperately hoping for a repeat of the Criminal Law B exam.
‘Haha, yeah that was a godsend, I deadest hadn’t looked at the course, took the past exam feedback in and they recycled half the questions. Needless to say, I was at church that weekend!’
This wasn’t his first rodeo - years of open book exams had prepared him for moments like this. Ice ran through his veins while fresh knowledge entered his brain. We somehow convinced the invigilators to let us interview this piece of academic filth mid-exam.
‘Trusts A… that was something special. A certain lecturer, bless him, didn’t actually change any of the tutorial questions before putting them straight into the exam. Come to think of it, they’re pretty much just giving these degrees away.’
(It is unsure whether the church to which Chris referred to was The Brightside before or after renovation).
David Warner Leaves Cricket Match After Meanie Throws A Leather Ball At His Legs
‘That’s fucked. Do you know who I am?’
In surprising scenes this weekend, disgraced Australian cricketer David Warner walked off the field of a grade cricket match he was playing, in response to an opposition bowler hurling a hard piece of ball-shaped leather straight at him.
Four overs into Randwick-Petersham’s clash with Western Suburbs, and with the left-handed Warner on 9 not out, he suddenly took issue with the fast bowler charging in and delivering the ball.
After a brief conversation with the umpire, who explained ‘...that’s literally what the game is,’ Warner angrily charged off the field.
'How dare he? Running up, just throwing a hard bit of leather at me. What a genuine bully. I don't have time for this shit,’ Warner stated.
‘I play my cricket tough, but fair. I can take the heat. But this crosses the line. What sort of sick bastard just keeps throwing things at me? Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so will this little bit of red leather. Safety first, please!’
After his teammates took some time and energy discussing with David the process of how cricket generally functions, he slowly came around to their point of view, and returned to the field to resume his innings.
Nevertheless, after the game he couldn’t help but describe himself as a ‘big man,’ for ‘copping something I [he] didn’t have to.’
Fascinating. Certainly more to come in Warner’s odd grade cricket career.
Progressive Plumber Worries His Free Pipe Giveaway Has Been Wildly Misunderstood
Jim Crook is a 41-year old Californian who has voted Democrat his entire life. Jim’s plumbing business ‘She’s Got Pipes!’ earns him a modest income to support his three children and wife, Janelle.
Jim knows that 2018 has been a hard year for the political party that he loves with all his American heart. From the Kavanaugh confirmation and stripping back of environmental regulations, Jim felt that a sense of hopelessness had taken hold of elected Democrats.
Jim wanted to help out. But how? He was but a humble plumber from San Diego. That’s when he had his idea. Democrats were busy trying to win back the House and Senate; far too busy to worry about their plumbing.
So Jim, in a show of goodwill and support, decided to mail his left-wing heroes some free pipe. This way, if any plumbing issues arose throughout the course of the mid-terms campaign, they wouldn’t need to waste time calling the plumber when they could be out canvassing and talking to voters.
Jim walked down to his local post office, smiling ear to ear.
“Wow,” Jim thought. “It feels so good to make a difference in my own little way.”
Jim started to send the pipe to all his idols: the Clintons, President Obama, Joe Biden, George Soros, Eric Holder, Maxine Waters. He even threw one in for Robert De Niro, because he just loved his performance in Dirty Grandpa.
Jim posted the envelopes and strolled home, a pep in his step.
However, the next day he checked the news.
Oh no! It looked like Jim’s gesture had been grossly misinterpreted by the mainstream media as a series of assassination attempts.
“No!” Jim screamed at his New York Times subscription. “It was just for plumbing! It was just for the pipes!!!!!! The pipes, I say, the pipes!!”
Jim is furious about the ingratitude displayed by his heroes. His Party asks constantly for campaign donations, yet when a loyal supporter like Jim followed through and gifted party figures samples of his finest steel pipe, he was promptly labelled a domestic terrorist. Talk about ungrateful!
Jim now intends to vote Republican down the ballot and for President Trump in 2020.
Broken Times: People Are Horrified Over Pipe Bombs, But When I Got a 5 On My Admin Mid-Sem, No-One Cared
The world is in shock today after several targets of far-right ire, including Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, George Soros, and Joe Biden, were sent pipe-bombs that failed to detonate.
Yep, everyone seems pretty upset. Bit hypocritical, don’t you think, that everyone is up in arms over these attempted assassinations, yet a few days ago when I revealed to the world that I got a 5 in my Admin mid-sem no one batted a fucking eyelid.
Is this really what the world has come to?
I understand that in these times of news overflow we cannot be expected to afford a detailed analysis to every event. Yet the media’s focus on the shocking actions of unknown domestic political terrorists in the US is one of the most potent examples of misguided sensationalist journalism that the world has ever been made to endure.
Yes, Barack Obama worked hard for 8 years as President. But I worked hard for 8 hours on my Admin take-home about merits or something. Are we seriously at a stage where the world can shed a tear for career public servants yet when a struggling student taking Admin in 5th year because he hadn’t got round to it yet is cruelly punished for not going to lectures or tutes, we simply turn our backs and walk away?
I have thick skin. But today, I am ashamed of our discourse. Also pretty ashamed of ‘dis course, being Admin. I deserved at least a low 6!
More to come.