Fifth-Year Student Looks Forward To Explaining That No, They’re Not Graduating At The End Of The Year

Amelia Selachii studies Law.

After four gruelling years of a mild superiority complex and low contact hours, she still remains in high spirits despite the fact that nearly all of her schoolmates have now graduated uni and are working well-paid jobs and some travel to really nice places with their new money and endearing sense of success.

Not that she cares about such things, she says to The Obiter, as she went out to stare creepily at the throngs of 17-year-olds checking out UQ with their Mummies and Daddies.

‘The hardest bit,’ she says between bites of her Burger Urge burger, the same one she's bought nearly every week for 4 years (Pineapple Express, of course), ‘is when catching up with friends, I have to explain the difficult concept of when I will be graduating.’

We heard her on the phone with a relative. Some choice quotes illuminate their conversation.

‘Yes, I'm still at uni.’ ‘No, I'm not graduating at the end of the year... no, not at the end of next year... no, yeah, halfway through next year. Yeah. 5 and a half years. Yeah. A half. Like one semester? No, not this semester. Yeah I know.’ ‘Anyway do you still have that money you owe me.’

As Amelia commences the gruelling rigor of that will be waiting her in her fifth, full year (but not her last year), we can only wish her luck on her journey, and hope she doesn't spend too much time telling first-years that they're 'so young,’ and that she's 'so old,’ because in reality she really is only 23 and that is quite young when you think about it.

She's just too old for uni.

More to come for another year and a half.

UK Exchange Student Returns A Pale, Broke Mess After Spending Entire Scholarship On Ket

The friends of Law student Nick Phillips (20) excitedly welcomed back their well-travelled classmate today after six months studying abroad under the UQ Exchange programme.

But after some extensive cultural engagement, Phillips is not the same man that left them in September of 2018.

It seems that within a few short months’ stay in Leeds, the UK’s premier cultural hub has stolen Phillips’ melanin, money, and significant chunks of his brain.

Robbie Murray, a close friend of Phillips, says that the state of his mate was quite a surprise. Robie verbosely expressed his concerns in an intimate interview with The Obiter.

‘Yeah, he looks like shit, haha.’

While previously a committed student, Phillips says that his time at the University of Leeds was more about learning a new culture than memorising course content. In pursuit of this goal, Phillips emptied his wallet each week into the waiting hands of Leeds local Timothy Wilson, who when asked of his profession, described himself as ‘the UK’s fastest growing entrepreneur.’

In a prepared statement, Wilson declared ‘Yeah he’s a good lad. You want some spice?’

While Phillips is satisfied that his use of the UQ Exchange Bursary was in accordance with the Scholarship’s stated aim of assisting cultural enrichment, critics allege that getting fucked on gear is not in fact a cultural experience.

These claims, particularly from Phillip’s parents, who are owed $6000 by their son in the aftermath of his exchange, have fallen on deaf ears. No literally, Nick is deaf now.

After much criticism and demand for action, UQ Abroad issued the following announcement.

‘Ket’s fucking sick cunt.’

It sure is.

Plenty more to come. Anyone got a note?

722 New Brisbane Indie Bands Formed In The Week After The Hottest 100

Creativity is at an all-time high in the suburbs of Brisbane, as the traditional post-Hottest 100 explosion of indie bands is tearing through the garages and SoundCloud accounts of the river city this week.

Approximately 722 new bands will be formed this week, with hope in their hearts, guitars in their hands, and hastily-penned lyrics that look to balance a laidback, summery vibe with Edgar Allan Poe levels of pessimism regarding their relationships.

Such lyrics may include ‘I buy a drink and I buy you one too. You drink your drink and you drink mine too,’ or the endlessly poetic ‘My champagne dreams are your vodka nightmares.’

With Ocean Alley’s success at securing the Number One position, there has also been a fundamental move toward indie bands featuring a surfy, jam-band vibe. One such band, one of the 722 united by their use of the phrase ‘Yeah, I could probably do that’ when listening to the Hottest 100, have called themselves ‘Pacific Grin,’ although they also like to call themselves the cheeky nickname of ‘Specific Gin.’

Bazinga!

The members of Pacific Grin, after a Sunday Hottest 100 party at their mate’s house in Auchenflower, all rendezvoused next to the pool, brains flowing with creative energy, blood flowing with pretty disgusting amounts of pretty disgusting alcohol.

The pretty disgusting alcohol in question was their mate’s hastily-prepared goon punch, which coincidentally has inspired their first single, ‘Jack’s Goon Punch,’ which will be a danceable indie rock number that nevertheless addresses the enduring loneliness of being a 21-year-old adrift in this society.

Sound familiar? We’ve never come across this before, so we were pretty excited to interview Nick Lemon, the long-haired, mustachioed bassist regarding Pacific Grin’s plans.

‘Yeah, just writing, and working hard in the garage. We can’t play too much because my sister upstairs gets pretty pissed when I crank up the bass. So plenty of tinnies and ideas flowing mostly! Haha. We’ll be sweet.’

Wow. Let’s ride with these fine young men and one woman (because according Nick, ‘chick drummers are hot’) all the way to the top!*

*No more to come, as one day after our interview, Nick got bored and the band broke up.

Breaking: It's Actually Fucked How Long These Holidays Are

Holidays; days of holi. It's like Swotvac, without the exams! Sounds good, right?

Wrong. I am so fucking bored.

At what point did society decide that the 14-week grind of sleeping in air-con for 2 hours occasionally deserve a 3-month sabbatical?

3 months is like one-quarter of the year. If you ordered one-quarter of a chicken for lunch you'd be fairly full. Let me tell you this: I'm all chicken'd out, bitch.

Enough of the cucks who claim to have filled the time.

‘Ooooh I'm working full time because my Dad has a job and now I have a job at his job. Ooooh. I get coffee every morning and think I’m working hard. Oooh. I get a lift to work with Dad but a bus home so I feel like a working stiff. Oooooh.’

Hey, my Dad doesn't have a job. He's a masseuse by trade and he just got laid off. You know why?

Yep, because it's holidays and everyone is so fucking relaxed. No need for a massage. Unless the massage is the natural massage provided by the gently breaking waves down by that beach near Burleigh Pavillion (I always forget the name). So now my Dad, bless him, is pretty stressed about being made redundant. And the stress of unemployment has made him so sore that he needed a massage. There is no deeper, more tragic shame than that of a recently fired 51-year old masseuse trudging back to the parlour and asking Alexander for 'the one I used to do so well.'

They didn't give him a discount. They just gave him a massage. And the saline damage to his cheeks caused by a flurry of wet, salty tears rolling down his face. The only wet, salty tears rolling down my masseuse father’s face should have been the tears of Poseidon as he swam in the rolling, thunderous waves at that beach near the Burleigh Heads Surf Club.

And don’t get me started on those ‘other ones’ on holidays. The ones who actually go overseas? Ever heard of a plane crash you reckless clowns?

It's legit still like a month til classes. Laneway hasn't even been. Sing about that, Mitski.

Anyway, probably no more to come. Anyone want to grab lunch in the city tomorrow?

‘Triple J Should Support More Aussie Music,’ Says Man Who Just Called Amy Shark A Slut Online

The Hottest 100. It’s that special time of year when people who know things about music get to be even more insufferable than they already are. But despite the big push from Triple J for Australian artists to perform well in their annual music countdown, for Linus Devron-Smith (22), it isn’t enough.

‘Triple J should exclusively be putting Aussie music in the countdown,’ Linus told The Obiter via our text line.

‘Unless it’s Amy Shark. She fucking sucks. She fucking sucks balls. Adore? What was that about?!’

Linus has often had no issues making pres a bit uncomfortable by ranting about the lack of female representation in the Hottest 100, but is careful to note that his passion does not extend so far as the Gold-Coast based Amy Shark, who he just labelled a ‘slut’ in a Facebook comment on Music Feeds because I Said Hi beat God’s Plan.

“I love Australian artists and I love female Australian artists even more. In fact, I love all females, even those who don’t play music. But music females? Australian music females? They’re the tightest shit I’ve heard.’

Linus’ relentless use of the term ‘female’ did not go unnoticed.

‘But honestly, Amy Shark is like a fucking sadboi but if a sadboi was a girl.’

Linus admits that he didn’t listen to Shark’s debut album, the timeless Love Monster because the only album he listened to in 2019 was Travis Scott’s Astroworld.

‘It’s got to go back to the old days when true alternative Aussies were winning the countdown. Like last year!’

At press time, Linus had just been shown his first picture of Ms Shark.

‘Oh, actually I guess she’s not that bad.’

Hopefully no more to come from this young man.

Nadal Blames Loss On Third Set Failure To Count Backwards From 13 Before Picking His Ass

After his crushing defeat at the hands of Novak Djokovic Sunday night, tennis legend Rafael Nadal has spent Monday doing a lot of soul searching.

Sources close to Nadal’s coaching staff revealed to The Obiter that their devastated athlete has watched the footage of last night’s decimation upwards of 3 times.

After engaging in careful analysis, focusing particularly on Djokovic’s dominance early in the first set, and his ability to close out the third set under pressure, the Spaniard has settled on the reason for his loss.

‘It’s an obvious error,’ Nadal revealed, suggesting he committed a ‘rookie mistake.’

‘In the third set, just before one of my more crucial serves, I very clearly forgot to breathe in, breathe out, count backwards from 13, and then stick the index finger of my right hand deep into my arse-crack.’

Nadal looked at the floor, ashamed.

‘Clearly, Novak was able to score so freely off my service game throughout the match due to this shocking lapse in focus from me. The rhythm I gain from the ‘13 & Crack,’ as I call it, is so crucial to my aggressive style.’

‘That is one of the first skills we are taught in tennis academy. My failure to dig deep into my own butthole and whisper ‘You Nadal And You Is Tennis, You Nadal And You Is Tennis’ to myself 3 times in Latin is the only reasonable explanation as to why Djokovic was able to succeed.’

However, Nadal has taken some solace in the revelation. ‘At the end of the day, my inability to perform a DIY courtside prostate exam facing northwest whilst humming Mozart’s 5th is the only reason I lost. It has nothing to do with my tennis! What a relief.’

With Nadal’s traditional hunting ground, the French Open, up next on the Grand Slam calendar, let’s hope the Spaniard can come to a comfortable place with his ass-digging routine.

Summer Semester Student Truly Swamped Telling People He’s Doing A Summer Semester

Local hustler, Tai Robinson (22), sits in a state of smug contentment at the thought of the rest of his cohort are busy enjoying themselves and being useless wastes of space over the summer holidays.

That’s right. While you losers are sipping beers and sleeping, Tai is transcending academia itself.

The grind never stops for Mr. Robinson, who is currently undertaking a subject over summer. While weaker men would crumble at the idea of setting foot on campus in the months of December or January, Tai is taking on ECON1010 like a champ.

And he won’t shut up about it.

We attempted to catch up with Tai behind the till at Factorie Chermside, where he works casually. Our field reporter arrived just in time to hear an exchange between him and a middle aged woman presumably buying clothes for her teenage son.

‘Busy time of the year?’ she asked politely, clearly making small talk while Tai tried to scan a pair of chinos with the elastic at the bottom (you know the ones, where some guys look really cool in them but you try them on and you realise that your ankles fully just transition to your calves with little to no difference).

‘Busy? Huh I’ll tell you a thing or two about busy’, retorted Tai as he stopped scanning. ‘You wouldn’t have believed Boxing Day! It was an absolute madhouse in here. Not only that but I’m actually also studying!’

Thinking the bored look of the mother was an invitation to keep talking, Tai pushed on.

‘No I mean like I’m actually studying at the moment, yeah, everyone else is on holidays at the moment but I’m actually doing a summer semester.

‘Yeah it’s pretty tough but I did three subjects one semester and this will catch me up meaning I can finish my dual degree in seven years. Keeps Grandma happy as well, always good to upstage the cousins at Christmas.’

It is reported that while students may do two subjects over summer, they only need to do one in order to maximise the impact when telling people about it.

Good luck Tai!

Editor’s Note: We were sadly informed that Tai was so busy telling everyone about his summer semester that he actually forgot to open any of the lectures or submit any of the assessment.

Lindsay Lohan’s Twin Sister Sad She Hasn’t Been In Many Films Since Parent Trap (1998)

“We’re like twins!” exclaimed Lindsay Lohan as the character of Annie in the Christopher Nolan epic, The Parent Trap, released in IMAX in 1998.

The amazing fact is that the film did star twins! With Lindsay Lohan playing Annie, and her identical sister in real life playing Hallie, also her identical sister in the film, the twins rocked the screens with a raucous comedy.

However, while that film rocketed one sister to brief success (followed by all sorts of nonsense), one sister has bemoaned being far from the limelight.

Edith Lohan, now 32, runs a small-time lawnmowing business in California.

The Obiter caught up with her when we all went over for a trip that, for tax purposes, was definitely a business trip.

‘Yeah well it’s alright, Lindso gets all the fun,’ shouted Edith over the roar of her aged Ryobi 4-stroke petrol mower in the sunny fields.

‘We still catch up a lot and reminisce about how far Nolan pushed us physically and emotionally to complete that epic. It didn’t really result in much for me though, they seemed to think Lindsay Lohan was better looking for film.’

The sole difference between the two is that Edith has a small birthmark in the shape of a spiral on her hand, otherwise known as a gedwëy ignasia.

‘Yeah I was the first choice for Mean Girls, but then BOOM I lift my hand and then the director (Wes Anderson) said no no no, we want the Loh. Lindsay Loh. Han.’

Between lawnmowing, Edith Lohan has done some voice-over work, notably as the voice of Herbie in Herbie 5: Herbie Solves The Israel-Palestine Crisis With A Two-Stroke Engine And A Two-State Solution.

The sound of the mower lowers as she pulls back on the throttle. At least, it seems, Edith is happy.

Some to come.

Man Quietly Confident Sixteenth Unanswered ‘Hey How Are You?’ Will Receive A Response

Local heartthrob, Geoffrey McTurbot (20), is pretty sure he’s just stolen the heart of a girl he shared a canoe with during Year 10 camp.

Geoffrey’s heist technique involved sending a series of unanswered greetings over an extended period of time.

The messages range from ‘the classy Hey,’ to the politely inquisitive ‘How was your day? :)’ to the enduringly bold ‘What are you up to this weekend?’

‘Humans are persistence hunters, we’ve been doing this for millennia,’ sniffled Geoffrey.

‘It’s all about the chase, I know she’s playing hard to get. If only you’d been there for that conversation in the canoe, we connected on a spiritual level.’

Unfathomably, the last fifteen of Geoffrey’s messages have gone unread after Isobel Rostron (20) gave up responding to them out of politeness. We caught up with Isobel to ask whether Geoffrey’s analogy, comparing her to a wild gazelle that would be chased down by a primitive hunter over the course of a day, has sparked her interest.

‘He keeps banging on about this canoe but I honestly cannot remember it for the life of me,’ said Isobel.

‘I mean, by all accounts, we were stuck in a six foot boat for three hours and had a polite conversation. Now he’s planned our lives together and has commissioned an artist’s impression of our three hypothetical children. I actually didn’t even realise that he sent another one, I’ve had the convo muted for a couple of years.’

Scientists believe that this lack of social awareness is caused by the shame and embarrassment receptors in the brain being overridden by an overwhelming desire to procreate.

Unfortunately for Isobel’s inbox, there is surely more to come.

Millennial Forced To Choose Between Buying A House, Daily Avo Toast Or AirPods

A local man has found himself in at a huge financial crossroad following the release of Apple’s new AirPods. Awkwardly enough for his wallet, the AirPods, a brilliant product and crucial status symbol, have been released during the ‘Avo Toast Movement’ of the mid-to-late 2010s.

Financial strife incoming!

Jason Dean (21), currently studying a Bachelor of Advanced Finance & Economics (should be studying Bachelor of Not Being A Wanker, haha got him) has spent his afternoon constructing a comprehensive Venn diagram to assist him in the decision.

Kindly enough, he even took the time to include a third section, for considering a place to live. Jason has been engaged in a pattern of couch surfing for at least six years now, and if we’re being honest, his mates are growing ‘kind of… fucking sick of the guy’ (a direct quote from a self-described ‘mate’).

Pictured: Jason’s problem-solving diagram.

In response to his mates’ critical comments on his current living situation, or more accurately, complete lack of a living situation due to avocado toast purchasning, he is often known to respond, ‘trust the process. [praying emoji].’

And yes, he types ‘[praying emoji]’ instead of actually just adding one.

After spending hours meticulously analysing his Venn diagram and consulting with his closest brother, his vomit-stained RMs, he comes to a decision.

‘Now I know what the Great Depression felt like,’ says Jason, looking at his account balance of $3.47 whilst blasting ‘Cash Money,’ by Tyga,  through his brand spanking new AirPods.

Live long and prosper, Jason. Because we know your bank account won’t.