Brave White Guy In POLS Tute Courageously Offers To Play 'Devil's Advocate'

Wow. You talk about courage, you think of the ANZACs, single mothers, and the producers of Green Book. But in an act of unprecedented bravery and self-sacrifice, a straight, white, male second-year Arts/Commerce student has just offered to ‘play Devil’s Advocate’ in his Indigenous Politics & Policy tute.

Jeremy Foxwood (19) was excited to attend his first tute for POLS2101 Indigenous Politics & Policy, relishing the opportunity to share in other’s ideas, learn, and foster intellectual development through listening to peers.

But disaster struck just five minutes into the tute. Amidst a preliminary discussion of the issues facing Indigenous Australians in rural communities, Jeremy rapidly realised that a key part of the debate was missing.

A Devil’s Advocate.

The tute room was filled to the brim with the rising din of voices agreeing that the dispossession of Indigenous Australians from their native lands has contributed greatly to the issues faced today. And as Jeremy’s ears filled with people agreeing with each other, he felt sick to the stomach.

For it seemed as if no-one else would do the unthinkable. No-one else had the moral fibre, the courage, the conviction, the calm temperament, to fulfil the role that everyone so desperately needed, but no-one was willing to do.

So, voice trembling, revealing a nervousness that was only quelled by Jeremy muttering to himself ‘clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose,’ Jeremy raised his hand, and hurled himself onto the grenade.

‘Look, if I could just play Devil’s Advocate for a moment…’

Those eleven words, in a flash, had rescued an entire tute from the dark grips of going seven minutes without having a private-educated white chap play Devil’s Advocate. As Jeremy channelled the advocate for the Devil, proposing that a ‘lack of personal responsibility,’ and ‘biologically-lower IQs’ were responsible for the plight of Indigenous Australians, his fortunate classmates breathed an enormous sigh of relief.

The fields of Villers-Bretonneux are littered with the fallen, who gave their lives in noble self-sacrifice. And the carpet of Michie Building Room 209 is now forever infused with Jeremy’s bravery. As the SJWs rapidly turned on him, in their ‘screeching, hysterical manner’ (as was later reported in Jeremy’s final letter to his loved ones), he accepted his fate, knowing that he had fulfiled his duty.

The time has come to salute a legend.

So, to every noble white guy in a POLS tute who volunteers to play Devil’s Advocate, thank you. Thank you a million times over.

So much more to come from these impressive young men.

‘Plain Vanilla Sexual Penetration Case’ Found To Be Unpopular New Cold Rock Ice-Cream Flavour

A bold marketing tactic has failed to pay off for Cold Rock Ice Creamery today, as their attempt to cash in on a national scandal left customers confused and angered.

Following Cardinal George Pell’s conviction earlier this week on child molestation charges, his barrister described one of Pell’s offences as a ‘plain vanilla sexual penetration case where the child is not actively participating.’ This was in a bold attempt to diminish the gravity of the Cardinal’s crimes, by comparing them to a delicious flavour made of the vanilla bean.

Apparently smelling opportunity, Cold Rock CEO Stan Gordon leapt into action, commissioning the production of a new flavour aimed to perfectly capture the indescribable sense of this ‘plain vanilla sexual penetration.’

‘Here at Cold Rock Ice Creameries, we search for flavour wherever it can be found,’ wrote Gordon in a statement to the media. ‘That’s the promise we make to our yummy customers, and we hope to Cold-Rockin’ stand by that promise.’

‘That’s why, with the help of our scientists in the Creamatorium, we have, for the first time in history, produced a flavour that tastes of a terrible, terrible crime.’

Unfortunately for Gordon and Cold Rock, the flavour has proved unpopular, even in the blazing summer heat, with customers describing it as ‘bizarre,’ ‘offensive,’ and ‘it was a bit weird that the Creamery Artists said they had to watch me lick it.’

Polls showed that only six people nationwide have tried the flavour in its first twenty-four hours, with that number expected to dramatically decrease (although Andrew Bolt has reportedly ordered ten kilos of the concoction for his #FreePell Sunday soiree).

Those who actually tried the flavour were also left unimpressed.

‘The bitter taste of the intergenerational trauma inflicted by child sexual abusers does not make for a good ice cream flavour,’ said local ice cream aficionado, Matthew Cook (20).

‘It’s admittedly impressive they distilled the fear and mental torture inflicted on those who are victims of child sexual abuse into a single flavour, even though it was both disgusting, and went terribly with a Caramello Koala mix-in.’

‘Still better than Liquorice though.’

We hope there’s precious little more to come.

Law Student Blames Inability To Get Clerkship On ‘Mercury Being In Retrograde’

Ah, clerkship season.

The time of year that has law students everywhere on edge, wishing they had the perfect GPA, a killer resume, and/or wealthy white parents with good connections (always a safe bet in life if you can get your hand on the third one!)

One student, Justine Chivers (22), recently came to us with an awful recount of her own experiences with the battle for a clerkship. This in and of itself was intriguing, as students rarely want to talk to us, and we instead have to battle for face time with literally everyone.

Justine Chivers is a fourth-year Law/Arts (Astrology Major) student at QUT. It is safe to say she does not really understand the law, and neither does she have an overly strong grasp on reality.

Admittedly, her Instagram bio of ‘Chiver Me Timbers!’ is a pretty funny pirating reference, but immediately ruined by the following description of herself as ‘22. Gemini. Legal student. Queen. Universe reader.’

But that understanding of the universe has reportedly provided her some  does, however, understand the universe, so she knows her failure to secure a clerkship this year is far from her own fault. It certainly has nothing do with her 3.8 GPA, her appalling academic record, her dull performance at clerkship drinks, or her insistence on calling a Freehills partner her ‘spiritual angel child.’

Instead, Mercury is at fault, yet again. The bitch is in retrograde.

‘I don’t really have a resume at the moment, so I handed in my birth chart instead,’ she notes.

On this point, something tells us her pesky Taurus Moon was the key factor in her failure to secure the clerkship.

More to come, angel dust.

Pell Doesn't Get Off

Cardinal Pell, in a change, has not gotten off today.

As the gag order (don’t) was lifted on the court proceedings, the world has learned about the filthy crimes of the cardinal once tipped (don’t) as a potential Pope.

‘Unlike numerous occasions in the past, Cardinal Pell has not managed to get off,” Judge Peter Kidd (seriously don’t) has announced today.

‘Guess the average age in the courtroom was mainly over 15 years old, so makes sense.’

More to come (don’t).

Q&A Ruined! Jordan Peterson Unable To Comprehend The Liberal Party Is Right-Wing

The highly controversial, hotly-anticipated appearance of Jordan Peterson on Q&A has almost been ruined after he failed to grasp the notion of Australia’s Liberal Party actually representing conservative politics and ideologies.

Although there is conjecture over his standing as a political commentator, Professor Peterson is an eminently qualified psychologist, making it all the annoying that Tony Jones had to spend the first thirty minutes of the program translating questions to the desperately confused Canadian.

The panel show had already had a rocky start, with Peterson yelling ‘That’s not what I said! You’re misrepresenting me!’ before any questions had actually been asked, and it pretty much spiralled downhill from there.

‘Negative gearing is just not something that we traditionally associate with liberal ideologies, I’m really surprised that a liberal party is going with that fairly capitalist, conservative economic policy,’ said JBP, as Terri Butler shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

As Dr Peterson continued marvel at just how conservative Australia’s liberal party was, the young white men in the audience shifted rapidly from bemused to disheartened, as they realised their hero was not coping with a simple shift in vocabulary.

‘It’s so fucked how Australia uses different words from other countries,’ said Jai Mackenzie, an avid JBP fan, wearing a United Patriots Front t-shirt. Or maybe it was the Patriots United Front? Or the Front of United Patriots? Actually, we believe it was the People’s Front of Patriotic United Citizens.

Hard to keep track of every deranged alt-right group these days.

That was not the only surprise of the evening. Van Badham, after listening to Jordan’s condemnation of the Liberal Party, argued for the immediate installation of Peter Dutton as Prime Minister.

‘I don’t know what came over me,’ she said.

‘I was so committed to disagreeing with Peterson that I ended up tweeting an endorsement for the Voldemort of the Liberal Party.’

The shitshow ended with Tony Jones’ head in his hands, and JBP screaming at the audience, beginning to know ‘why a party called KAP exclusively wears broad brim hats.’

Not much more to come.

Straight White Male Obiter Editors Wonder If Their Hot Takes On ‘Green Book’ And ‘Black Panther’ Are Needed

Without doubt, the diversity of nominees and winners in this year’s Academy Awards is a triumphant display of the diversity present in quality filmmaking, and provides a glimmer of hope that the Academy is moving away from their conservative image.

But there’s one problem with a field of winners that includes the first black superhero (Black Panther), a film dominated by three female leads (The Favourite), a film which grapples with race relations in 1960s America (Green Book), a Spike Lee joint (BlackkKlansman), and a Netflix original, directed by Mexico’s Alfonso Cuaron, which focuses on a working-class, indigenous woman (Roma).

And that problem is simple. Straight white male Obiter editors are beginning to wonder whether their scorching hot takes are needed.

Speaking anonymously to The Obiter, which is weirdly like talking to yourself, editor Joe Dwyer wondered out loud whether his article idea, ‘Gee, Black Panther Is A Weird Remake Of The Pink Panther,’ quite captured the vibe of the zeitgeist.

‘For whatever reason, I feel a little less happy to comment on some of this year’s nominees. Hm. Honestly can’t put my finger on why the BlackkKlansman ideas have been flowing less readily than our thoughts on La La Land.’

On a similar note, leaked messages from The Obiter’s WhatsApp group give some insight into the challenges facing satirical writers who are slowly realising that maybe some of this year’s nominees weren’t exactly ‘for’ them.

‘So what you’re saying is we shouldn’t do a live video where we ask Peter Hoj if he believes in Wakanda Forever?’ was one such message.

‘Tbh, I wonder if we need to actually watch Roma before we start paying it out,’ was another.

But the true nail in the coffin was the question we’ve all been asking.

‘Why is this a WhatsApp group? You’ve never heard of Facebook Messenger?’

However, the fleeting uneasiness was immediately put aside in favour of an onslaught of articles that some might describe as in ‘poor taste,’ including ‘The Favourite Wins Best Thing To Bring When You’re Told Not To Bring A Thing,’ and ‘Green Book? More Like Meme Book.’

At press time, Samantha Haran was heard asking the other writers if they were ‘fucking kidding themselves.’

Hopefully, no more to come.

New Oscars Category Revealed! ‘Best Movie People Tell You To Watch But You Never Will’

Ever since the Academy first got together in 1921 on a Friday night at Chris' house to watch films, it's been surrounded by controversy and upset.

No host? Too many hosts? Not enough people in suits and dresses? Too many speeches? Where were the entrees? Melissa McCarthy arrived late! These are all things my Grandmother said to me about her 91st birthday, but it applies here as well.

What has been met with resounding affirmation, however, unmarked with the controversies that have plagued films like ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and ‘Green Book,’ has been the unveiling of a new category of film by the geniuses at the Academy.

For 2019, the Academy will finally award the ever-important ‘Best Movie People Tell You To Watch But You Never Will.’

It fits that perfect niche of films that you know are good, but watching them are such an effort and it's just easier to watch a whole season of Brooklyn 99 instead.

This year, contenders for the award include Green Book, Roma, BlackkKlansman, The Favourite, and, to be honest, pretty much anything that isn’t Black Panther (superhero movies are fucking sick).

But the little gold man trophy ultimately went to Green Book, which I might get round to seeing at some point if I have a free Sunday afternoon.

Although, apparently The Good Place is worth a watch.

Hm. More to come.

‘They Just Want To Hire Good Blokes, I’ll Be Sweet,’ Says Final-Year Student Probably Not Getting A Grad Offer

Jim Saxon (22), a final-year Law student, is quietly confident that he will be offered a graduate job at prestigious Brisbane firm, Nicholson Hewitt & West, this Wednesday.

Despite his dreadful academic performance, and an unimpressive effort at his single clerkship, Mr Saxon’s bold assuredness stems from his belief that firms aren’t interested in the law, but rather, focus on ‘getting around the boys.’

‘To be honest, these big corporate joints just want quality blokes. And that’s me in a nutshell! I’ll be right, mate, the grad offer is on its way.’

Jim’s dazzling GPA of 4.5 was not enough to secure his clerkship without a strong word from his uncle - a move said uncle now bitterly regrets.

Jim’s colourful clerkship involved a few too many drinks at the Christmas party, and an unsuccessful pass at a senior associate.

‘Look we are used to overlooking light misogyny, but he couldn’t even work the fucking printer,’ explained Human & Culture Director, Bryan Martin.

Jim’s individual belief reflects a number of recent studies, which conclusively demonstrate that the more you excessively assure yourself that you’re a good bloke, the less likely that is the truth.

Jim’s aforementioned uncle, who is known as ‘Jimbo,’ has been overheard during a partner morning tea telling colleagues ‘I’ve taken my fair share of bad graduates but he is just a straight up fuckwit.

‘Lucky he’s not my kid so I don’t have to give him a job.’

At the time of publication Jim is blissfully unaware of the antipathy held by his former workplace, and is actually sort of keen to bump into some of them Jàde Buddha on Friday.

‘As long as I’m good around the group, I’m laughing. You know I didn’t even write an email the whole time I was there? Just was a good team man.’

More to come from this tragic man.

It's The Last Weekend Of Uni Holidays: Is It Time To Try Ice?

That time of year has arrived once again. The last weekend of holidays. Suddenly, three months of saying you’ll go to the beach at some point feel like they’ve flown by like a condom wrapper in the wind. From here on in, it’s essays and KeepCups.

The anxiety sets in - did I do enough? Did I make the most of this comically long break? Was it worth it?

Well, good news! There’s still one weekend left to tick off that final box on your Uni Break Bucket List! And, yes, we all know what that means.

It’s time to try ice!

All holidays, you’ve been flirting with trying crystal meth, but you’ve just never had the time! Well you better get hopping – it’s your last chance! Being a student is about experimenting, and what better way to do so than poisoning your body with the stimulant born of dangerous experiments themselves! It’ll be Breaking Rad!

Engaing in the pure, incredible high of high-quality ice is something that’s all the rage in country Queensland, but something that you’ve managed to avoid since late November (fuck, uni holidays are long). So, why wouldn’t you? Dip your toe into the powerful, orgasmic ocean of strong, delicious methamphetamines.

All your friends are already doing it! Don’t be that sad loser who has to trudge into their first lecture on Monday morning, head bowed in embarrassment as their friends recount wholesome summer stories filled with sunny days and ice-cream, which of course is the term for when you shove meth into a tub of Peter’s vanilla before injecting that shit into your tanned arm!

Cowabunga!

Yep, summer is the best time of year. And what’s the one thing to make these golden years even more memorable? That’s right, the first steps of crippling, all-encompassing addiction! Trainspotting was a comedy, yo!

So, in the words of Rihanna, ‘cheers to the friggin weekend... now, where’s my ice at?!?’

So much more to come after we get our hands on some more ice, we’re crashing really hard here, send help.

BoM: Cyclone Oma May Be Sweet, But Be Assured She Is A Psycho

The Bureau of Meteorology has this morning issued a statement explaining that Cyclone Oma has been downgraded to a Category 1 storm and is unlikely to impact the Queensland coast to the extent the department initially believed.

However, the collective sigh of relief came with a caveat: this bitch cray.

’Yes, Cyclone Oma has led us to believe she is not going to cause a scene,’ meteorologist Susan Rain told The Obiter.

‘But keep in mind, she loves this shit. It’s very on-brand for Oma to act all cool and then turn up and just go fucking bananas.’

The manipulative games of Oma are something BoM feared from the outset.

‘Oooh, Category 1, she’s sweet – no. She is still completely pyscho and could turn at any minute.’

Oma has been described by weather experts across the nation as ‘high maintenance’ and ‘an attention-seeker.’

One weather-woman, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of windy retribution, disclosed to The Obiter that Oma, ‘will probably head to the beach and get heaps of photos taken of her before heading back to town and just making an absolute fucking mess of my weekend.’

’Bitch.’

BoM have advised Queenslanders to avoid the crazy eye of the storm this weekend.

More to come.