Bodger The Seat Detective Able To Find Seat In Law Library

Given the strength of the response to Tuesday’s Kirby article, we’ve decided to press on with our incredible formula for comedy, which boils down to ‘[public figure] + [random law library cliche] = dazzling pieces of satire.’ Sadly, we underestimated our chosen protagonist for this latest gem from the lab of comedic experimentation. Our hubris and arrogance led us make to a fatal error – we decided to focus on Bodger, world famous seat detective, who proved incredibly adept and able at finding a seat in the Law Library.

‘Bazinka (Bodger’s famous catchphrase in the seat detective spheres)! There’s a seat next to that Economics student,’ thought Bodger the Seat Detective as he wandered through the Law Library, an anthology of all his greatest cracked seat mysteries in hand, completely able to find a seat.

In town for a lecture at the Convention Centre detailing his learnings working on the baffling blunder of Rosa Parks’ missing seat, Bodger thought it best to get a start on the seminar prep due tomorrow, and elected to find a seat in the Law Library, an easy task for the man who once looked Recep Erdogan in the eye and said ‘I don’t care what threats you make Mr Prime Minister; I will find that seat.’

Much to Bodger’s expectation, he found it completely possible to secure a seat in the library. Just another day at the office for Bodger, who we will reiterate earns a fairly healthy living solving cases solely focused on chairs.

‘This is easy,’ he informed The Obiter in a yelled interview near a crowd of giggling fourth-year Law students discussing how sexy and cool the jacket Bodger was wearing is, with a big patchwork of a scorpion sitting in a seat on the back. Nice!

‘I find it completely abhorrent that they Law School can’t even provide a challenge for me . For Christ’s sake, I’m Bodger the Seat Detective! I’m the man who slept with Chief Justice Warren Burger’s wife in his own seat! Which I found! Also, Roe v Wade is bad law.’

The above comment from Bodger was genuinely unprompted and is particularly alarming. Bodger declined our requests to shift conversation back to seats and made some fairly inflammatory comments regarding the use of the Due Process clause as the constitutional basis for finding a woman’s right to an abortion in the US, as per Roe v Wade. This is not to say Bodger seeks anything less than an unfettered right to safe, legal, abortions, but rather, he thinks the issue of standing should’ve prevented Roe being heard, as the foetus in question had already been born, and thus there was no actual case or controversy.

Bodger also thinks any dump that accepts discarded seats should be shut down. This, he believes, is nothing less than ‘seat abortion.’

After we pointed out to Bodger that seat rights are human rights he muttered ‘the interview is over,’ before walking up to The Void in an opt attempt to find a seat there.

You’re going to have to get up earlier than that to find a seat, Bodger! By which I mean literally 3am. Which he did! We did this interview at 2.40am. It’s rough out there.

If there was a seat problem yo, he’ll solve it. Check out the seat while Bodger revolves it.

More to come.

Bob Irwin Unable To Find A Seat In Law Library

Given the strength of the response to Tuesday’s Kirby article, we’ve decided to press on with our incredible formula for comedy, which boils down to ‘[public figure] + [random law library cliche] = dazzling pieces of satire.’ In keeping with that tradition, we are enormously proud to present this unparalleled comic achievement, which has taken countless painstaking hours to put together, concerning the struggle of Australian icon, and son of Steve, Bob Irwin to find a seat in the Law Library.

‘Crikey! The crocs wouldn’t mind eating an Economics student,’ thought Bob Irwin as he wandered through the Law Library, battered bucket of kangaroo meat to feed the crocs in hand, completely unable to find a seat.

In town for a Crocodile Science seminar later this evening, Bob thought it best to get a start on the seminar prep due tomorrow, and elected to find a seat in the Law Library to fulfil that raw passion for seminar preparation.

However, much to Bob’s horror, shock, and fair-dinkum disgust, he found it completely impossible to secure a seat in the library. Strewth, Bob, it sounds like that seminar preparation might be in doubt!

‘This is cooked,’ he informed The Obiter in a hushed interview near a crowd of giggling fourth-year Law students discussing how ‘old’ they must look to first-years, boldly assuming first-years give a flying fuck about how old fourth-years look like. Also there’s mature aged students in first-year, I don’t think 52-year-old Karen thinks you look old, you spotty 21-year-old child.

‘I find it completely abhorrent that I can’t even squeeze myself into a little corner somewhere to get some quality work done. It was easier to find a seat in Chief Justice Warren Burger’s Burger Court!’

The above comment from Bob is particularly alarming, as many would rightfully think that Bob isn’t an ex-US Supreme Court Justice, let alone one from the 1970s. But nevertheless, in our interview with Bob as he awaited a free seat, he made some fairly inflammatory comments regarding the use of the Due Process clause as the constitutional basis for finding a woman’s right to an abortion in the US, as per Roe v Wade. This is not to say Irwin seeks anything less than an unfettered right to safe, legal, abortions, but rather, he thinks the issue of standing should’ve prevented Roe being heard, as the foetus in question had already been born, and thus there was no actual case or controversy. However, in discussions with audiences at Australia Zoo, Bob has consistently asserted his faith in Planned Parenthood v Casey, amongst others, as appropriate judicial determinations of constitutional rights. Frickin’ crikey, mate!

After we pointed out to Bob Irwin that he had a seat literally reserved for him at the Burger Court (again shocking that this young man is firm in his belief he served under Chief Justice Warren Burger) he muttered ‘the interview is over,’ before walking up to The Void in an optimistic attempt to find a seat there.

You’re going to have to get up earlier than that to find a seat, Bobby Irwin! By which I mean literally 3am. It’s rough out there.

I could go for a chicken katsu curry right now, but only if pressured. More to come.

No Escape! Splendour Lineup Beamed Directly Into Unsuspecting Australian's Brains

Covering their ears and shrieking in pain as the high-pitch radio frequency shook buildings and shattered windows across Australia’s entire eastern seaboard, Australians across the nation cowered in terror yesterday morning as the Splendour in the Grass organizers unveiled their new media communications strategy.

Beaming the festival’s 2019 lineup directly to the brains of all 25,010,938 Australians. We’re only recovering from it, and hence able to write about it, this morning, but the ringing in our ears is unlikely to dissipate anytime soon.

Setting off car alarms and making dogs cower in their kennels, our sources and personal experience indicate that the high-pitch frequency featured a demonic, disembodied voice announcing the festival’s headliners one by one in a flat, monotonous tone.

Whilst normally the phrases ‘Chance The Rapper,’ and ‘Tame The Impala,’ and ‘Childish The Gambino,’ are stated with joy, this monotonous drone seemed almost threatening in its relentless dissemination of the 2019 lineup.

Widespread power outages were reported in all major Australian cities as hospitals were forced to rely on emergency generator power during the episode.

Accounts differ, but it appears the voice threatened to cut off Matt Corby’s fingers one by one, before brutally murdering him, if all Australians did not immediately send a message to their group chats asking their friends if they had seen the line up and whether they would be buying tickets.

At press time, the sidewalks were littered with the carcasses of thousands of dead birds that had dropped from the sky.

More to come, we fear.

Grimace Unable To Find A Seat In Law Library

Given the strength of the response to yesterday’s Kirby article, we’ve decided to press on with our incredible formula for comedy, which boils down to ‘[public figure] + [random law library cliche] = dazzling pieces of satire.’ In keeping with that tradition, we present today’s comic extravaganza, this unparalleled piece of online journalism, concerning the struggle of McDonald’s mascot Grimace to find a seat in the Law Library.

‘Get out, you Commerce/Economics wankers,’ thought Grimace as he wandered through the Law Library, battered Lenovo ThinkPlus in hand, completely unable to find a seat.

In town for a Burgerology seminar later this evening, Grimace thought it best to get a start on the seminar prep due tomorrow, and elected to find a seat in the Law Library to fulfil that animalistic desire.

However, much to Grimace’s horror, shock, and disgust, he found it completely impossible to secure a seat in the library. Sounds like that seminar preparation might be in doubt, Grimmy!

‘This is cooked,’ he informed The Obiter in a hushed interview near a crowd of giggling first-year Law students on their way to a Catterwell Contracts seminar, where a half-arsed joke about Kirby dissenting a fair bit will get laughs greater than this article deserves.

‘I find it completely abhorrent that I can’t even squeeze myself into a little corner somewhere to get some quality work done. It was easier to find a seat in Burger Court!’

The above joke is funny because Grimace, as a McDonald’s mascot, could’ve conceivably served as a judge in some sort of Burger Court, but the Burger Court also refers to the Supreme Court of the United States when Warren Burger served as Chief Justice, from 1969 to 1986. The above joke implies Grimace might’ve had a role in deciding Roe v Wade, a controversial decision that has remained precedent despite continued judicial attempts to whittle down its core holding: that the right to privacy under the Due Process clause of the 14th Amendment extends to a woman’s right to have a legal abortion.

After we pointed out to Grimace that he had a seat literally reserved for him at the Burger Court (again unclear as to whether this was at McDonaldland or under Chief Justice Warren Burger), he muttered ‘the interview is over,’ before walking up to The Void in an optimistic attempt to find a seat there.

You’re going to have to get up earlier than that to find a seat, Grimace! By which I mean literally 3am. It’s rough out there.

Broncos Burgers are weird but compelling. More to come.

‘Where Are The Headliners?’ Asks Splendour Attendee Who Spends Entire Festival At Campsite Doing Ket

In a rough turn of events for Australia’s premier festival, noted music ‘fan’, moshpit groper, and Amy Shark-hater, Alex Creek (22), has delivered a serious body blow to the reputation of Splendour in the Grass, describing its lineup as ‘weak.’

‘Who the fuck is Chance the Rapper, and where’s Sticky Fingers?’ asked the music aficionado in a Facebook comment, receiving a whopping twelve likes largely from men with bumbags strapped across bare chests in their profile pictures.

Responses to his comment were limited to words of support, such as ‘Fark, can’t get sticky with sticky fingers, that’s dog as,’ and ‘Tame Impala sold out bro.’

The Obiter managed to get a hold of Creek for an exclusive interview, despite his busy schedule studying Business at QUT.

‘Yeah its just kind of tragic really,’ choked the 22-year old between tears.

‘Last year I got to tell everyone how fucked I was during Kendrick, Khalid and Dune Rats. How am I supposed to do that with this trash lineup?’

We here at The Obiter prefer to merely state the facts and let you, the noble reader, decide on your opinion. But this humble writer cannot stay silent while such a blatant abuse of human rights takes place.

And like literally everyone these days who thinks something disagreeable has happened, we demand a Royal Commission. Mr Morrison, this country begs you for a Royal Commission, with the terms of reference to be governed by a simple question.

Where are the headliners?

More to come, after Alex finds out that Chance The Rapper sung ‘All Night,’ which inspired his group of only male friends to chant ‘all night, I’ve been drinking all night, I’ve been drinking all night,’ at the most inopportune moment.

Justice Michael Kirby Unable To Find A Seat In Law Library

‘Get out, you BAFE wankers,’ thought Justice Michael Donald Kirby AC CMG (HCA 1996 - 2009) as he wandered through the Law Library, battered MacBook in hand, completely unable to find a seat.

In town for a speech later this evening, Judge Kirby thought it best to get a start on the seminar prep due tomorrow, and elected to find a seat in the Law Library to fulfil that end.

However, much to Kirby’s horror, shock, and disgust, he found it completely impossible to secure a seat in the library. Sounds like that seminar preparation might be in doubt, Mike!

‘This is cooked,’ he informed The Obiter in a hushed interview near a crowd of giggling second-year Commerce/Science students that gathered near the Level 1 bins to gossip about who pissed themselves in an Uber on the way to the Regatta on Saturday.

‘I find it completely abhorrent that I can’t even squeeze myself into a little corner somewhere to get some quality work done. It was easier to find a seat in the High Court!’

After we pointed out to Kirby that he had a seat literally reserved for him at the High Court in his tenure at the bench, he muttered ‘the interview is over,’ before walking up to The Void in an optimistic attempt to find a seat there.

You’re going to have to get up earlier than that to find a seat, Judge! By which I mean literally 3am. It’s rough out there.

Watch the throne. More to come.

‘The Long Winter Has Come,’ Whispers Brisbane Man As Temperatures Fall Below 20°C

‘I knew the prophecies spoke of this, but I never thought I would live to see this day,’ muttered Robbie Avery (23), a Commerce student and lifelong Brisbane resident, as he grappled with the fact that the temperature in Brisbane occasionally drops below 20°C.

In the sunny Queensland capital, residents enjoy such warm weather and clear skies that every year, around November, it is immediately forgotten that sometimes the weather is not so warm, but rather, cool-to-warm.

Indeed, some describe such lightly cool weather as ‘crisp.’

But for Robbie Avery, this drop in temperature is no mere change in celsius. It is a sign of the ‘long winter to come.’

‘All my life, my father warned me that winter is coming. That I should stockpile supplies, clothes, and men, to last out the ice-storms and the threats brought by the Long Winter,’ whispered Robbie in a shockingly tense interview with The Obiter.

‘I thought it was an old wive’s tale. Crisp weather? In Brisbane? With a level of humidity that isn’t genuinely absurd? Don’t make me laugh! If only he were here to see me now. I wonder what he’d think of my methods for surviving this brutal frost.’

Robbie’s methods for surviving the Long Winter seem to focus on Patagonia sweaters, and socks with his Birkenstocks (in a decision he disgustingly describes as ‘Birkensocks’).

Similarly, it’s worth clarifying that Robbie’s father isn’t dead. When he says ‘if only he were here to see me now,’ he’s referring to the fact that his father isn’t currently attending university with him this morning, because that would be incredibly weird.

‘I wonder if all the other legends he told me were true,’ thought Robbie, as he began sprinting around the Great Court yelling ‘The Night King is coming! Prepare yourselves now,’ forcing everyone else into a mass panic as Brisbane collectively realised that temperatures as cold as 16°C in the morning may be on their way.

More to come if our fingers aren’t too cold to type.

Winston Churchill Declines Being Brought Back From The Dead For Student’s Hypothetical Dinner Party

In some sort of sick joke, ice breakers are continuing into Week Six, as 80% of students are still yet to say a word during tutorials. The flavour of this week has been asking students the timeless question of ‘If you could have dinner with anyone from history alive or dead, who would you choose?’

A collective groan could be heard from both the POLS1201 classroom and the afterlife.

Winston Churchill, who was enjoying a cigar during his daily poker game with Gandhi and Mother Theresa, as Nelson Mandela stood outside hoping he’d get invited, rolled his eyes in anticipation of some spotty 19-year-old summoning him for a lame Sunday roast with some boring dead economist.

‘You know what old chap, after guiding Britain through the Second World War, the Mau Mau Uprising and the Korean War, I’d hoped that afterlife would carry a bit more grandeur than being idolised by first year political science students who read my speeches in Year 9 SOSE,’ sighed ‘Winnie’ to his unlikely bedfellows.

‘I couldn’t agree more, I’m famous for my hunger strike and they’re inviting me to dinner? Honestly fuck off, what are we even going to talk about over a chicken kiev?’ replied an agitated Mahatma Gandhi.

Sure enough, as the collective boredom of the tutorial turned to 19-year-old Ben Jeffries, he confidently exclaimed that he would have dinner with Winston Churchill. Despite a general ignorance towards Sir Churchill’s feats and controversies, the fact that Churchill mentioned going to the beach in a famous speech really resonated with Ben, who loved spending summer at his Grandma’s Perigian beach house.

As expected, this was met with absolutely no response, save from an unenthusiastic ‘thank you, Ben,’ from the tutor who was now really regretting starting her Masters.

Next up was Josh, who after spending his childhood in Rose Bay, had been sent to King’s College by his parents for a rural experience.

‘Mine would be the boys from Bondi, ‘cause I’m a diehard Eastern suburbs boy and those boys suck piss, so it would be a good time.’

Hopefully more from Josh, like requesting John Maynard Keynes or some other endlessly fascinating intellectual.

‘Oh My God. They’re Us,’ Thinks Ryan Catterwell While Watching Law Revue Staff Sketch

‘Jesus Christ,’ thought UQ Law lecturer Ryan Catterwell, whilst watching the UQ Law Revue’s traditional staff sketch.

‘They’re Us.’

Clearly traumatised by Jordan Peele’s latest horror film, in which demonic doppelgangers pursue their likeness, Dr. Catterwell  was said to be ‘yelping and whimpering throughout the entire staff sketch,’ according to witnesses present.

‘It’s like he actually thought it was some sort of clone up there,’ Lee Aitken told The Obiter in confidence.

‘It was clearly Dugald Graham in an unbuttoned shirt, making some fairly cheap sex jokes.’

But Ryan was not to be calmed by reason or the simple fact that the actor jumping around on a desk and singing ‘Sex Bomb’ was partaking in a fairly cheap imitation.

‘It’s Us,’ he cried to a understandably irritated Schonell as the Revue Catterwell did the worm to the tune of ‘I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt,’ before removing his crisp white Oxford button-up.

‘He’s come to kill me!’

Despite his distress, Catterwell did take the time to note to The Obiter that the clone was ‘one sublimely thicc daddy.’

More to come.

Desperate Howard Smith Wharves Hoping Law Ball Brings Much Needed Exposure

April 27th is shaping up to be a decisive evening for the struggling and abandoned Howard Smith Wharves precinct, which naively opened its doors late last year as if they thought people would actually come.

The destitute wasteland has not managed to appeal to any Brisbane residents, with it being laughably easy to get a beer on a Friday. You basically just go and pour it yourself - even the staff don’t show.

The venue attempted to appeal to the socially elite with the Mr Percival’s cocktail bar. ‘Nope,’ said the influencers, speaking as one. You’d struggle to find a single Saturday afternoon Aperol Spritz-themed upload from that dastardly, decidedly empty deck.

The tumbleweed-infested Chernobyl knockoff hopes that the UQ Law Ball will at least make people aware that there is an entertainment precinct called Howard Smith Wharves.

‘Never heard of it,’ said a group of Eagle Street grads The Obiter focus tested. ‘Sounds like it wouldn’t be busy though, especially around sunset. Reckon you’d be able to get a table pretty easy.’

‘Good luck to them, not easy to have a small business in a niche location in Brisbane. What did you say their name was again?’

Let’s hope that the upcoming Law Ball can do what Freddie Mercury did for Live Aid and save the damn thing!

And hey Freddie - what’s the lyric?