'Friend From London,' Actually Just An Acquaintance Who Spent A Day In Notting Hill

A local Brisbanite, who has tragically not graced the shores of the UK this winter, has still decided to tell anyone and everyone who listens about her ‘friend in London,’ and her ‘amazing recommendations,’ despite the fact this friend has been revealed to be a tute acquaintance who, by all accounts, spent like one or two days in Notting Hill, and ate a sandwich at the Camden Markets.

Kathleen Clayton (22) isn’t joining the mass exodus of Australians abroad this winter, but she still wants to get in on the fun. So, for the last few weeks, everyone in Kathleen’s circle has been subject to constant London and Europe recommendations, all from this shadowy figure known only as her ‘friend from London.’

Kathleen’s best friend, Sarah (23), who is travelling the UK and Europe with her boyfriend Daveed (hectic name, right, and he’s white) as we speak, had to endure Kathleen’s very personal take on the ‘Best 9 Gin Bars In Chelsea’ that bore a striking resemblance to an article posted by TimeOut London earlier that day.

But when challenged, Kathleen simply returned to her default position of ‘nah, my friend from London gave me all these recommendations. You wouldn’t know her.’

In a move almost like a primary-schoolesque ‘Yeah, I have a girlfriend, but she goes to a different school,’ Kathleen’s incredible defensiveness about her mysterious fake friend is matched only be her relentless sense that her friends actually want to hear her shitty recommendations.

‘Last night she told us that for a great cup of coffee, we should try Starbucks. Starbucks! What the fuck, cunt?’ shared close friend Nat Harmon (22). Nat’s travel partner, her uni friend Melinda (who Kathleen has once called ‘that gossipy bitch’ to her face), has stayed relatively quiet on the issue, only chipping in when the idea of ‘Nutella crepes in Paris’ was floated as if it were remotely original.

The ‘friend from London’ almost certainly cannot be identified, but The Obiter’s best guess is a loose acquaintance of Kathleen’s who, judging by a careful and detailed search of Instagram, spent one or two days in Notting Hill, taking colourful photos outside of people’s actual homes. 

How fun!

A stream of Instagram stories aside, it’s becoming rapidly apparent to us here at HQ that Kathleen’s friends are being needlessly ungrateful, and should probably just grab a deck of cards and deal with it.

No more to come.

Foxtel Subscription Cancelled After Posting Homophobic Status

Um, yikes.

Recently we’ve seen some big names eat a slice of bigot pie and, rightly, earn a #cancelled stamp across their name.

This week, a local family’s Foxtel subscription is the latest to be #cancelled.

The account was already on thin ice when, the week after the Game of Thrones finale aired, the account suggested that Bob Brown ‘might not be helping’ when he drove his Caravan of Courage up north to trick bogans and kill mines. 

Hey boss, can my eyebrows get a raise - this is bad!

But as Big Little Lies and The Handmaid’s Tale came back on TV, the subscription appeared to have pulled its head in. Think again. 

On Tuesday, the account was #cancelled after posting a status on its Foxtel Facebook (please don’t ask questions) saying ‘maybe those complaining about Israel Folau should google a little thing called freedom of religion.’

Sorry Foxtel - you’re #cancelled, you homphobic, backwards, bigoted organization. You’re #cancelled, you gay cunt.

Oh fuck, we didn’t mean gay like gay we meant... 

We are so sorry.

Our time has come. Our song is sung. 

The Obiter: #cancelled.

Absolutely nothing more to come.

Selfie Outside Random Church Enough To Convince Mum You’re Doing Something ‘Cultural’ In Europe

While Europe is generally regarded by Australian youth as one giant brick of reliable coke, many parents have a different conception of the continent. 

This quite archaic worldview tends to picture Europe as a set of incredibly culturally diverse nations, each with sights and landmarks well worth experiencing for the young traveller. 

With a great number of these young travellers receiving ‘support’ for their European journeys from their parents, it is pivotal to keep the expectations of the folks in mind, even if completely superficially. 

Well, today’s your lucky day! 

The Obiter has one sure fire tip to keep your parents happy: take a selfie in front of every random church you walk past and send them through periodically to keep them off your scent. 

While in reality you’re rooting/attempting to root hot Europeans, buying cheap pingers off some rando despite a severe language barrier, and spending 80% of daylight hours recovering in a hostel, your parents will be none the wiser.

So, next time you’re walking back to your hostel at 9am after a big night out in Barcelona/Prague/Split/Berlin/any other typical European party-city, take a bit of time out to pay respects to your parents who funded that trip. It’s not hard.

And in the words of Retox Party Hostel Budapest, ‘it is a close family of drinkers who like to drink at the bar during the day and head out to party at night.’ Remember your real family and maybe send them a selfie in front of a random old building that you can boldly call ‘Hungarian Parliament.’

More to come on our devastatingly useful travel trips.

'League Is Mungoball, Lol,' Says Union Fan Who Last Went To A Reds Game In 2011

The endlessly clever brigade of rugby union supporters have today reached their absolute zenith, deploying their trademark brand of incisive wit and devastating analysis on the fans of rival code, rugby league, describing league as ‘Mungoball.’

This is despite the fact that the vast majority of union supporters last went to a Reds game in 2011, and are still pretty convinced that Pocock plays for the Western Force. But hey, what can you do? It’s Mungoball.

The earth-shatteringly intelligent comment came in the wake of a suggestion that league is a more popular code in the Australian sporting landscape, which is obvious bullshit. League might have greater viewership figures, more sponsors, more participation, and not be on literal life support, but it’s also, and you can’t forget this, ‘Mungoball.’

The charming folk at Green & Gold Rugby are sure to remind each other of this at every turn, with the same sort of shared delusion that we’re sure was enjoyed by the passengers of the Titanic as it sank into the icy depths below.

But at least the passengers of the Titanic were able to enjoy a relatively quick death, as opposed to the excruciatingly, agonisingly slow demise of rugby union in this country, a process that started with Eddie Jones’ 3-0 vengeance in 2016, and is currently in the ‘Israel Folau forever murders the ARU’s reputation’ phase.

But enough about Israel Folau, and don’t breathe a word of Palestine Folau. This is about ‘Mungoball.’ The ‘lesser code.’ The ‘little brother.’

Ignoring the fact that with many union fans letting their Foxtel subscription go, they literally haven’t watched a Super Rugby match in years, it’s worth asking what kind of lower-class game would have uncontested scrums. Um, thugs, much?

Witty Facebook comments aside, it’s evident to all nineteen rugby union fans that theirs is the superior code. After all, they play it at Nudgee, and do you remember James O’Connor? Wow, what a player. Ignore everything he’s done since he graduated from school, and you have yourself a fairly bona fide argument for union being the true world sport.

But all football debates aside, everyone can agree that the only global game with any sort of claim to that throne is the devilishly simple, erotic art of Golf.

No more to come.

‘It’d Be Rude Not To,’ Captions Influencer Being Rude By Taking A Boomerang During Dinner

11.4K. It’s not only the amount of money a poor person makes a year. It’s also the number of followers Bec Holly (@bec_holly) has acquired on Instagram, after three years as a full-time influencer.

The small fortune Bec has built up photographing herself putting $88.99 goat smegma on her cheeks allows her to shout her group of awesome and interesting friends a cheeky dinner on the town, roughly every day or so. 

Treat!

At the latest, but certainly not last, supper, Bec’s cheeseboard and cocktail proved too aesthetic to eat without a thorough documentation process.

Activate Operation Boomerang.

Bec captured the meal in an innovative lean-in-and-out motion. She utilised her absolutely sharp wit on her go-to caption, ‘It’d Be Rude Not To .’

The caption failed to recognise that the Boomy was taken in the middle of her closest friend’s account of a harrowing breakup, and that her feeling of duty towards the polite Boomy was misplaced.

‘Sometimes you have to,’ she captioned a follow-up story, as the waiter tried and failed to check in on how she was enjoying her meal.

The final instalment read ‘Thank you so much to the hard working kitchen and waitstaff’ as she wandered out, without remembering to pay.

More to come.

God Confirms Shithouse QLD Origin Performance Punishment For Senator James McGrath’s Existence

Struck down thirty-eight points to six on a windswept, rainy pitch in Perth, Queenslanders could probably be forgiven for finding themselves wondering whether the Mighty Maroons’ uncharacteristically shithouse performance against New South Wales last night was somehow an act of divine punishment.

Following an in-depth investigation by the team at The Obiter, we can sadly confirm that there is more to these initial suspicions than one would expect. 

A spokesperson for God, the Archangel Gabriel, confirmed to us this morning that The Lord, Creator Of All Things and Ruler Of The Universe, struck down the state’s beloved rugby league team in Perth last night with a case of the absolute shits following Queensland’s repeated failure to heed His dire warnings to turn away from sin lest they incur His divine wrath. 

The Archangel Gabriel cited God’s fury at the Queensland State Government’s approval of the Adani coal mine project as one factor behind his decision to smite the state, although he’s famously ambivalent about the chirpy little annoying black-throated finch, but confirmed to us that Queensland LNP Senator James McGrath’s continued unholy existence played an even larger part in God’s thinking. 

‘Honestly, Our Heavenly Father is fucking pissed that the people of Queensland seemingly listen to that vapid, stupid prick,’ confessed Gabriel.

‘I mean, just look at the little dopey little runt, he looks like a smurf, he’s not exactly in shape, is he?’ asked the Archangel Gabriel rhetorically. 

Later, he was able to confirm to us that the Lord God YHWH trembled with the rage of ten trillion fiery suns every single time the conservative senator, famous for his support for privatizing the ABC in order to stick it to ‘latte lefties,’ took a breath. 

At press time, God’s booming, thundering voice rang out through the state of Queensland, warning that for every continued second Senator James McGrath spent existing he would smite not just the Maroons, but the entire state. 

Warning of plagues and pestilence, he threatened to go throughout the state, killing the firstborn son of every household.

‘There will be loud wailing throughout Queensland—worse than there has ever been or ever will be again.’ We can only assume he’s referring to the Great Wailings of Caxton St should we lose the decider in Sydney.

More to come.

'I'm Going Dry July,' Says Post-Global Warming Planet Earth

‘Yeah, to be honest I’m just over the whole drinking scene, and having any sort of moisture or water capable of sustaining life,’ confessed Planet Earth over a couple of beers last weekend.

‘This might be my last weekend with you boys,’ suggested the large planet, who had clearly been hit pretty hard by the previous weekend, with the Adani coal mine being approved, and Tyson’s 21st being a fucking rager.

Dry July is a popular month for alcoholics, health freaks, the nerds, and anyone who wishes to challenge themselves, but this year, it’s expanding beyond just cutting back on your consumption of Furphys. This year, a planet is getting involved!

While friends of Planet Earth says the full-throated commitment to Dry July has been a long time coming, as the damage done over countless years has been almost too much to bear, this is a quiet pocket of contrarian mates who reckon Earth is ‘being a fucking pussy,’ and ‘is completely fine.’

Despite Earth regularly complaining to its mates that it is rapidly losing the ability to support intelligent life, and is literally burning, these comments fall on the deaf ears of blokes who reckon Izzy Folau has been the victim of the most brutal abuse of human rights since that funny bloke talking about a succulent Chinese meal was taken from a restaurant.

Haha, classic one, fellas.

Whilst the month-long Dry July experience has proved rewarding to some, Earth fully expects to keep the commitment to keeping it ‘dry’ unless there are some serious changes in the behaviour of those around him.

For those looking for a loophole, note the premise of Dry July doesn’t actually exclude the consumption of Canadian Club & ‘Dry,’ with it literally being in the name of the popular pre-mixed drink. The more you know, we guess.

No more to come.

'They Won Because They Wanted It More,' Says Player Forgetting They Also Scored More Points

In the wake of Queensland’s devastating loss to the Blues in Origin II, some serious questions are going to be asked about why a Maroons team with such promise and potential were so comfortably beaten 38-6, on a rain-soaked night in Perth.

But complicated explanations regarding team personnel, skills, execution, and ability to adapt to conditions have been swept away by five-eighth Cameron Munster’s simple explanation of ‘they wanted it more.’

That’s it. That’s the only possible reason the NSW Blues could’ve won last night. They wanted it more. Looking at the scoreboard, it’s abundantly clear they wanted it over six times more. For those seeking to understand how a team with a star-studded lineup of Ponga, Munster, and Tim Glasby could lose so handily, all they need to do is look at who ‘wanted it.’

However, a controversial alternative explanation has begun to rock the rugby league community, with some figures claiming the Blues won because they scored more points.

Sorry, what?

These coastal elites are reportedly making the claim that NSW were able to beat Queensland because they placed the ball over the tryline more than Queensland did, scoring four points for each time they successfully did so, and further, they kicked the ball between the posts more often, scoring two points each time that occurred.

This flies in the face of our accepted logic and wisdom, which suggests games are decided by a simple matter of ‘want.’

There will be some serious soul searching in the rugby league community this week, as many seek to grapple with the idea that a team can lose a game purely by virtue of scoring less points than the opposition, rather than simply by wanting it that little bit less.

Some true loony conspiracy theorists have even suggested that concrete metrics like missed tackles and play-the-balls in the opposition 20 are to blame, rather than the far more relevant intangibles like ‘courage’ and ‘desire.’

Let’s eradicate this snooty intellectual influence on the game before it’s too late, and the nerds decide they can play the game.

No more to come.

Civil Procedure Exam Just Another Two Hours To Plan Europe Itinerary

Rule 5 of the UCPR? More like, shot 5 at the Eu-CP-Bar! (That's a bar in Barcelona)

Exam block is nearing a close, coming towards us like the bloated remains of a whale washing up on popular beaches, only to be pushed back out to sea to return next semester, stinking of rot and feasted upon by sharks and people who still seem to live in the Bio Sciences Library over the holidays.

As we wave goodbye to the whale we herald the arrival of July and you know what that means - the mass exodus of Brisbane population aged between 18 - 25 to the sun-lit fields of Europe! Yaaas, spleen!

One hurdle remains (or remained, depending on when you read this): that old nasty LAWS5215 Civil Procedure exam, sitting happily on 8am on the last Friday. Ewwww.

But you know what this bloody exam really is? Aside from something about applications, case management, UCPR, commencement (I'm just reading off the table of contents of a friend's notes) - its another two hours to plan your awesome Europe trip! We know you've booked your flight for straight after the exam like some cool cool kid, so better get planning!

Question 1 - Was this document under legal professional privilege? More like, at what point in my five week adventure will I get professional massage in the heated steamy saunas of Finland under the experienced hands of Hans Korhonen?

Question 2 - In what court should these proceedings start? More like, in what tennis court should I be watching the tennis? Is there tennis in Europe? Another thing to plan out!

Question 3 - List the various principles for amending pleadings laid out in AON v ANU. More like, go to Europe. Yas, R v De Silva.

Europe is going to be amazing, and with two hours plus 10 minutes reading time, you'll have the whole trip ready to go before you can say, 'I really should have printed out the whole UCPR.’

Final Legal Prof Exam Focuses On Identifying When Your Coke Dealer Is Ripping You Off

It can often be frustrating for students when material on the final exam bears little resemblance to material presented in the lectures.

But at 8am this morning, when bleary-eyed Law students wandered into the exam room, only to see four separately-packaged grams of cocaine with different prices labelled on each bag, it became rapidly apparent this exam was going to be a true introduction to the legal profession.

The Week 6 topic of duties of confidentiality was pretty clearly canvassed in this final exam, with a piece of paper on each desk that read ‘don’t fucking snitch.’ Similarly, the duties of billing ethically were at the heart of the problem question, which asked each student to ‘identify if your coke dealer is ripping you off.’

The Obiter was able to gain an exclusive interview with one of the men responsible for assigning this powerful ode to high-flying legal professionals with a penchant for a bit of snuff.

'We thought it was a pretty comprehensive introduction to ethics and the legal profession, if we're being honest,' said a tutor who will remain nameless, but if we were going to nickname him, we would call him 'Joaquin Phoenix's The Coker.'

‘Lawyers are often asked to deal with conflicting loyalties and duties, and we thought that was effectively represented through having students faced with conflicting price values and attempting to dutifully determine whether they were being ripped off.’

This deranged final examination is still arguably better than what is in store for Property A tomorrow, where students will reportedly be asked to visit a house in a lower socioeconomic area, and forcibly evict a tenant while screaming ‘Indefeasibility of title!’ in the face of their tear-stricken victim.

Truly disturbing stuff. Can’t wait for a beer at the Red Room afterwards, though.

More to come.