'Haha, A Group Of White Men Is Called A Podcast,' Says Man Who Secretly Wants To Start His Own

Local Masters student, Steven Coote (25), is all too willing to take a potshot at those who he believes have too much power, in a little process he likes to tell himself is ‘speaking truth to power.’ 

Unfortunately, for intelligent discourse at large, this mainly manifests in Steven just repeating much cleverer takes he’s seen on Twitter, to anyone who will listen, which is very often no-one at all.

Take today, for example. As he strode into his ‘home office’ in his West End sharehouse, whistling a merry tune to no-one in particular, he yelled out loud ‘a group of white men is called a podcast,’ only serving to disturb the sleepy Greek family that live next door and are technically his landlords.

Chuckling as he boiled a jug in preparation to make a tea, he repeated the comment again, underscoring to no one but himself the sheer brilliance of that turn of phrase.

‘It’s marvellous,’ he thought, his beefy thighs chafing underneath a pair of corduroy trousers and a loose button-up short-sleeve tucked-in to the trousers and kept in place by a tastefully woven hemp belt.

‘They’ve taken the idea of a collective noun, one of the least interesting elements of proper English grammar and punctuation, and they’ve weaponized it to speak truth to power. Brilliant!’

Unfortunately for Steven, he is having to grapple with the fact that he literally wants nothing more in this world than to start a podcast-based discussion of the topics that interest him, including the mid-90s tastes of director Paul Verhoeven, and the elusive ‘Best Pho in Brisbane.’

This internal crisis will be resolved by months of procrastination, our reports indicate, before a half-assed podcast attempt is abandoned after six minutes of dead air.

You rock, Steve! No more to come.

Kevvy's Mind Games Continue: Entire QLD Origin Team Struck Down With Case Of 'Ligma'

The typical Origin mind games have continued, with Queensland coach Kevin Walters boldly telling the media that the entire Queensland Maroons side has been struck down with ‘fatal cases of ligma.’

The disease, unheard of prior to Kevvy’s proclamation, has been revealed to a false illness, and merely an excuse to set up the killer punchline of ‘ligma balls,’ with the optional follow-up of ‘cunt.’

Regardless, the news has sent tremors through the Blues camp, with coach Brad Fittler reeling from the relevation that the entire Queensland side will be different to that which has expected. Relatively unknown names like Xavier Coates and Cory Paix will be debuting, with old veterans like Shane Webcke and Allan Langer reportedly considering a return to the field.

Some have informed Freddy that this is just part of the typical Queensland psychological manipulation, and that in reality, they’re just trying to distract him from the task at hand. But the bare-footed Blues legend isn’t so easily convinced, and decided to pay a surprise visit to the Queensland camp to check on the players.

Upon arriving and seeing a mess of empty XXXX Bitter cans, Freddy thought he’d found the right place, a fact confirmed by his next sight - Kevvy Walters charging straight at him. 

‘Get away, Brad, get away! They’re so contagious! They’ve all been struck down with ligma!’

'Ligma?' asked Fittler, walking into a trap he hadn't even known was set.

Kevvy took in a sharp breath, knowing that he had laid the bait perfectly. All that remained was the sublime execution.

‘Ligma balls mate, haha! Got him!’

As Maroons players came from their hiding spots, pointing fingers at Fittler and calling him a ‘fucking gullible idiot’ to his face, all the aligned chakras and hot yoga couldn’t save Freddy from his embarrassment.

But he vowed to bring the pain on Wednesday night. Bring it on, NSW.

No more to come on this brilliant story.

Captain Feathersword Hijacks Cruise Ship Off The Coast Of Somalia

Avast! 

Devastating news has been reported by Al Jazeera, the little brother of The Obiter. At 0600 hours this morning, the cruise ship ‘Ovulation of the Seas’ signalled for help off the coast of Somalia. Their radio operator reports being followed by a big red boat overnight, before it came alongside the ship, crew firing machine guns into the hull of the Ovulation. 

The cruise ship was quickly boarded, and passengers subdued.

Secret phone footage broadcast from one passenger shows a the leader of the pirates, a tall, mean-looking white man with an eyepatch, big hat and a sword with a feather as a blade, strolling across the ship, barking orders.

The Obiter has also uncovered a new audio transcript from the bridge of the cruise ship. The transcript is as follows.

Shots firing, screams.

VOICE 1: Get down! Everyone get the fuck down!

More screams.

VOICE 1: Move! Over there!

VOICE 2 (Captain Phil): Okay, okay! Take it easy!

VOICE 1: I said get down!

More shots fired.

CAPTAIN PHIL: Okay, I'm down, I'm down!

VOICE 3: Fuck off, stay right there! Put that down! 

CAPTAIN PHIL: Alright, alright. Don't shoot them!

Screams.

VOICE 1: You! You the captain?

CAPTAIN PHIL: Yes, that's me sir.

VOICE 1: Don't move.

Sounds of door slamming, opening.

VOICE 4: Well ahoy there me hearties!

CAPTAIN PHIL: Jesus Christ.

VOICE 4: Well who of you lovely lads and lassies be the captain?! Hehaha!

CAPTAIN PHIL: That's me.

VOICE 4: Yar, well ya look at me! Look at me, right in the eyepatch! I'm the captain now! Captain Feathersword!

Sound of a feathersword being drawn.

VOICE 4: Yahoooo!

Screams of tickling.

TRANSCRIPT ENDS.

Captain Feathersword has requested a ransom of 5 million gold doubloons, and 2 free tickets to the next Wiggles concert.

No deaths have been reported, although five passengers were tickled within an inch of their life. 

Stay tuned for more news from this harrowing story, with more to come soon.

Local 14-Year-Old Unveils 5-Year Strategic Plan To ‘Get Gobbies’

Sexually anxious 14-year-old boy, Lachie Sinclair, has today revealed his 36-step plan to reach the promised land of oral sex within the next five years.

The comprehensive plan was unveiled by the Year 9 student to a large congregation of scientists, policy makers and key stakeholders who assembled for the Australian Social Policy Conference (ASPC) in Canberra on Tuesday.

Jones is the youngest ever presenter at the conference, and the first to ever discuss their own quest to get their penis sucked.

Attendees were left stunned by the presentation, with Treasurer Josh Frydenberg stating at press time that ‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing up there. I never would have thought of some of this stuff. I mean just take a look at Step 17: Get Big Muscles - the kid’s a public policy prodigy!’ 

Frydenberg proceeded to pledge $12M of taxpayer money to Jones’ cause, which will be made possible by further cuts to the ABC budget, a move that has received support from across the political spectrum.

Sources say the inspiration for the plan stemmed from a school careers day two weeks ago, which forced Jones to think deeply about what he wanted out of life. 

While he perused a number of different options, including a career as a video game animator and professional skater, only one goal stuck out for the young man: get gobbies, soon please. 

God speed, young man.

No more to cum.

The Next Seinfeld? This Girl Captioned Her Photo ‘In Europe’ When She Clearly Isn’t

Now this is a funny one.

Europe is where lots of people are and we’ll save you the preamble because it’s been pretty well covered in our other articles. Mike Fielding had one where he described it in a very funny way last week. Nice one, Mike!

But one girl has harnessed the jealousy of not being in Europe and used it for mining gold - comedy gold. 

It may not be premature to start asking Channel Ten the big question - when’s the next Pilot Week and can my girl Amy get a slot?

Amy missed out on a Europe trip due to a shortage of funds and friends. But she turned her luck around with a single caption. 

After uploading a photo to Instagram of what was clearly her at her family’s property in Beaudesert, she captioned the photo ‘in Europe.’

But hang on a sec - that’s not Europe at all. That’s Beaudesert. The cows and the lives ruined by ice in the background are a dead giveaway. Summfink is awry here.

Wait up - mayhap the caption be not literal? Perhaps this is, but surely not - a joke? 

Yep. Amy was making a funny. Move over, Jerry Seinfeld! Take a seat, Sarah Silverman! Go to jail, Bill Cosby! Because there’s a new comedian in town and she ain’t sparing anyone - not even continents!

It’s very exciting to think of what’s to come for Amy after this subversive mind fuck of a gag. Netflix? Captions in cars getting coffee? A Gold Logie (Glogie)?

The future is bright (and funny!) for Amy. 

More to come.

Friend’s Anecdote Sounding Suspiciously Like A HIMYM Episode

A casual afternoon of beers and anecdotes has been absolutely rocked by the revelation that a friend’s ‘funny story’ sounds suspiciously close to the subplot of a HIMYM episode.

On a verandah in Auchenflower, surrounded by his mates, Arts/Law student Chris Ellis (21) decided to share with everyone a ‘hilarious’ anecdote about his misadventures the previous weekend. But about two minutes into the tale, it became immediately apparent that Chris probably just fell asleep watching How I Met Your Mother last night, and has somehow absorbed a classic episode into his human memory.

‘It all started when we were down at the bar,’ began Chris’ story, not really raising any suspicions. Indeed, being down at the bar is how most classic stories begin. But when Chris said that a friend of his charged in wearing a suit, dropped a ‘wicked catchphrase,’ and then began talking about their ‘legendary’ plans for the night, the suspicions began.

‘Yeah, the story he was telling seemed weirdly familiar,’ said one of Chris’ friends, Sarah Sinclair (20), in an exclusive with The Obiter.

‘He was talking about this mate who had gone home with a girl, but she’d fallen asleep on the couch, so they all nicknamed him ‘The Sexless Innkeeper.’ That’s literally the title of a great Season 5 episode.’

Not all of Chris’ friends can agree, however, on exactly which HIMYM story he was blatantly plagiarising from. A colleague of Chris’ at Panthera Finance, Marcus Harmon, said that the main part of the story was someone getting Chris’ name wrong, and calling him ‘Swarley’ for the rest of the weekend.

And we’ve even heard reports that Chris agreed with his wife (for a single bachelor, many were shocked to hear he had a wife) that they wouldn’t have children until they saw a doppelganger of everyone in ‘the gang.’ 

‘He kept talking about the gang, oh the gang, oh you guys I was with the gang,’ Sarah shared with us, her tone a blend of undeniable confusion and bemusement.

‘Like, we are literally his only friends. Where’s this other gang coming from?’

Chris couldn’t be reached for comment, but at press time, we’ve heard that he was on a Friends binge last night. Can’t wait for him to recount a story that is less creative, compelling, and innovative than anything on HIMYM.

Good luck, the Count of Monte Chris-o.

No more to come.

Disrupting The Market: I Came At Work Once And Now I Can't Stop Thinking About It

Dear The Obiter,

In this fast-paced media age, it’s all about market disruption. You can have the clearest set of KPIs, and a project management workflow that is the envy of all, but if you can be engaged in some cutting-edge disruption of whatever your chosen market is, then you might as well pack up your bags, move out of your office, and do some nature walks in Western Australia before tragically perishing at a beach just outside of Broome.

But with that in mind, that’s why it’s so alarming that I came at work once, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Did I disrupt the market? I certainly disrupted ‘having a day where I didn’t somewhat accidentally have a bat at work.’ But did I disrupt my chosen industry, insurance sales?

They say ‘lucky you’re with AAMI,’ but I’m not so sure. I’m not so sure I’m lucky to be privy to this knowledge, that no-one can sort of stop you if you decide to come at work. Sure, it’s incredibly weird, and despite Matthew McConaguhey promoting it in what can only be a paid promotion by Big Wank in The Wolf of Wall Street, it’s not a particularly common thing you see in insurance sales.

So why do I feel like I’ve just opened up the company to a whole new set of possibilities? Why does it feel like insurance sales was never meant to know the raw power possible, trapped inside all of us? 

Sitting at my desk, asking people if they think their life insurance policy is enough to keep them safe should a tragedy befall their family, I think it is rapidly becoming the case that disrupting the market by having some catastrophic work orgasms is my only way forward in this corporate society.

Who knows what the future may hold. I certainly don’t. But I know I want to be a part of it. And I know I won’t be a part of it unless I innovate, innovate, and innovate.

(This has been an open letter to The Obiter from retired Broncos forward, Tonie Carroll. We are exactly as confused as you are).

'I'm Going Dry July,' Says Optimistic Man Thinking His Liver Isn’t Already Dead

Like watching a labrador try to get peanut butter out of one of those contraptions that makes the job difficult, the friends and family of local man Mark van der Walt (26) have looked on with a mix of condescension and adoration as he today declared he would be ‘doing Dry July.’

‘Dry July,’ an inherently cowardly undertaking, involves not consuming any alcohol throughout the month of July, for no apparent reason other than the fact that ‘Dry’ rhymes with ‘July.’ Seems like a lot of intellectual muscles were really sprained with naming that one.

But for many, the month is an opportunity to reflect on one’s relationship with alcohol, to sober up, and to even raise funds from friends who you normally can’t persuade to shout you a pint, but will definitely chip in $30 to your chosen charity that will likely have zero relevance to alcohol abuse.

Mark falls into the camp of ‘doing this to help out my body.’ The Auchenflower local, who has had an excessive BMI since second-year uni, knows that he could be in better shape, but has rarely been able to find the motivation.

This year, however, the relentless nights of drinking and eating starchy carbs have caught up with him, and he has boldly proclaimed to anyone who will listen that he will be embarking on the coward’s way out, ‘Dry July.’

For anyone who knows Mark, however, stifled laughter tends to be the reaction instead of the warm applause which he was expecting. This is because Mark’s liver is so obviously functionally dead.

The hard-working liver, which fought through three years at King’s College, two years in a Paddington sharehouse unironically named ‘The Boys’ Beers Cave,’ and three years (and counting) of office Christmas parties where you try to forget calling the boss’ wife ‘babe,’ is so obviously dead already. 

It is the height of blind optimism to assume a month without alcohol will make any impact on this deceased little fellow.

But go for it anyway, Mark. We’re watching. We’re waiting. And we’re ready with an ice-cold six-pack of Furphy for when you inevitably realise that you want one.

No more to come.

ASOS Software Asks ‘All Good There Brother?’ Every 5 Minutes For More Authentic Shopping Experience

‘Too easy champion, give us a yell if you need a hand,’ and other patronising phrases have been added to the online retailer in order to give customers a more traditional brick-and-mortar shopping experience. 

‘We found that customers were enjoying browsing at their own leisure but were missing the feeling of being alpha’d by a guy who looks like an extra in every early 2000’s frat movie,’ explained an ASOS market analyst. 

The software is effective but proved costly to perfect. The key was getting the tone of voice just right, so you couldn’t quite tell whether the assistant is actually happy to help, or you’d be burdening them if you genuinely require assistance. 

Nevertheless, the results speak for themselves with 85% of customers panic buying the items in their cart when approached by the heavily tattooed virtual assistant.

In order to be gender inclusive a female avatar has also been added for customers who enjoy being called ‘babe’ three times during every sentence.

‘The uptake has been amazing with consumer retention increasing by 35%,’ continued the analyst.

‘People were missing feeling somehow emasculated by a man who was wearing Vans and a lanyard, we are extremely proud to now provide a solution online.’

More to come on this groundbreaking market research.

Academic Board Approves Ramsay Center For Making Sure The Lamb Isn't Fucking Raw

In a move that has stirred a storm of controversy across UQ, the Academic Board has voted in favour of an on-campus presence for the Ramsay Center, and approved their degree, a ‘Bachelor Of Where’s The Fucking Lamb Sauce?’ ( the B. WtfL). 

The Ramsay Center, the brainchild of chef Gordon Ramsay, has long been the subject of criticism, with many on the left claiming it is a poor excuse for a professional chef to come into Australian universities and criticise our students’ ability to cook a sous vide pork belly.

But prominent figures on the right, such as Tony Abbott, Alan Jones, and Matt Preston, have suggested the Ramsay Center’s new degrees will be essential in preparing Australian students for a new global climate.

‘In the digital age, your knowledge of whether any oil is needed in the pan when cooking foie gras will be absolutely essential,’ said the cravat-wearing Preston, before giving us a devastatingly harsh look and stating ‘...of course no oil is needed because foie gras is pure fat, you utter blithering idiots.’

The Ramsay Center promises to teach students the requisite skills, with each Bachelor degree overseen by Gordon Ramsay himself.

Particularly controversial has been the ‘Making Sure The Lamb Isn’t Fucking Raw’ degree, wherein each student will be subject to severe psychological torture at the hands of Ramsay himself.

Indeed, testimonials from schools that have already adopted the Ramsay Center and its associated curriculum have raised some eyebrows. One student describes lovingly making a wedding cake with fresh strawberries, caramelised pineapple, and a delicate grape jus, but upon serving the cake to Ramsay, being met with enormously harsh criticism.

‘Wedding cake? More like divorce,’ stated Ramsay, before hurling the plate onto the floor with such intensity it awoke Jeff from his comatose slumber (didn’t expect a Wiggles joke in a Ramsay article, did you?). 

Regardless of how controversial the Ramsay Center For A Great Eye Fillet may be to those heavily involved in student politics, and those who earnestly care about whether or not they are publicly thought of as ‘Labor Right,’ it’s worth remembering that deep down, no-one actually fucking cares. After all, it’s oil, salt, pepper, in the pan, baste, off the pan, rest, carve.

It’s fucking simple.

No more to come.