Sidelined John Bolton Desperately Tries To Get #JeSuisSaudiAramco Trending On Twitter

John Bolton’s departure from the White House this week was a tragedy for all those in favour of protracted, drawn out American wars against a large Middle Eastern country around 636,000 square miles in size.

As a champion of foreign incursions against a large country in Western Asia with approximately 82 million inhabitants and a unitary theocratic-republican authoritarian presidential republic system of government, Bolton was a reliable cool head in a Trump administration notable for its volatility in foreign affairs. That is why it was so disappointing he was sidelined and dismissed from his post just days prior to a drone attack on Saudi Aramco oil facilities by Iranian-backed Yemeni separatists.

The drone attack, claimed by Yemen’s Houthi rebels, sparked fires at two major facilities run by Saudi Aramco, Saudi Arabia's state-owned oil giant, disrupting output and exports. Two sources close to the matter told Reuters news agency 5 million barrels a day of crude production had been impacted - close to half of the kingdom's output or 5 percent of global oil supply. If Bolton was still in office as National Security Advisor, he might have been able to push the President to immediately launch retaliatory air strikes against Iran, starting a game of tit for tat aggression that would surely have led to full scale intervention and millions of deaths. Sadly, out of office, he’s been reduced to barracking from the sidelines.

At press time, his desperate attempts to get #JeSuisSaudiAramco trending on Twitter had gone to nought, and his argument that an attack on Saudi oil facilities was an attack on all of us had been met with only muted responses from the public. Shockingly, it seems like most people really don’t give a shit about the long term health of a state company operated by a barbaric and anachronistic monarchy that still beheads gay people in 2019! At press time, Bolton had penned a poem in the form of “First they came ...", the famous confession by the German Lutheran pastor Martin Niemöller about the cowardice of German intellectuals and certain clergy (including, by his own admission, Niemöller himself) following the Nazis' rise to power and subsequent incremental purging of their chosen targets, group after group. Sources tell us that Bolton’s rendition, “First they came for Saudi AramCo, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Saudi oil production facility” lacked the same punch as the original literary classic.

Please God, no more to come.

American Exchange Student Really Overdoing It With Input In Lecture

Exchange: it’s the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience an intellectual journey at an esteemed international tertiary institution.

Nah, it’s about passing and ketamine.

That is why the behaviour of an exchange student from North Carolina in a Privacy Law seminar is particularly fucking bizarre.

Despite the fact that everyone is fully aware exchange students only need to pass their subjects, this pocket rocket from the States is absolutely going for it - quoting the readings, asking questions, laughing at the lecturer.

Here’s one for you, Uncle Sam: there’s absolutely no fucking need for this. The fact that you’re at class is pretty dire. Unless you’ve accidentally wandered in here as a result of a particularly brutal MDMA-induced come down, there is simply no excuse for you being in this class.

What a mess. Instead of enjoying the generous vodka Monster deals the Down Under Bar offers on a Tuesday, this Yankeedoodle clown is sitting in the lower levels of the Forgan Smith and just fucking marinating in the minutiae of the Privacy Act 1988.

Here’s some law for you partner: the law of having some fun.

More to come.

Student Attending First Lecture of Semester Stunned to Learn Lecturer Doesn’t Have 2x Speed Chipmunk Voice

1st Year Commerce Student Eliza Chapman has today been walloped by the proverbial hammer of truth, learning that her ECON1020 lecturer doesn’t actually speak like the eponymous hero of Alvin and the Chipmunks.   

Chapman had been amused for weeks by the fact that the lecturer in question, Dr Bruce Littleboy, seemingly had the voice of a little boy. However, after finally dragging herself to the UQ Centre for once in her life, she has left bitterly disappointed.

“He… he has a completely normal voice” choked Chapman through tears at press time.

“I mean.. you think you know someone, love someone even, and their weird, super fast, Christopher Pyne-esque voice, and then it’s… it’s just all been a lie? A big fat ruse? Honestly its kind of a wig out.”

It is undoubtedly a wig out, Ms Chapman. A real big wig out indeed.

Absolutely no more to come.

Brisbane Man Plans To Stick It To Mates On Exchange By Really Fucking Going For It Friday Night

Brisbane man Marcus Chen has a plan for “sweet, uncompromising vengeance” on his mates, The Obiter can report.

Chen was on the back foot earlier this month after all of his mates, or at least the ones he actually likes, all packed up and headed overseas for exchange.

After endless activity on the social mediums, his friends have made it pretty clear that their time travelling before exchange has been nothing short of drug-fuelled fuck odyssey.

But Marcus Chen has a plan. Circa Wednesday afternoon, as his mate Aaron was setting up a PO Box in Funtown (Dublin), Marcus decided he had no choice but to deploy the nuclear option.

“I’m just going to fucking go for it Friday,” Marcus announced to his legitimately empty office kitchen.

Marcus is going to strategically exhibit the Brisbane scene and show his smug mates that you don’t need to sit in the sky watching Ant-Man with subtitles for 24 hours in order to wake up on a street.

‘Fuck foundry is actually the best I’ve ever seen it, wish you were here.’ Chen plans to send to a group chat of friends who will have just woken up.

Marcus really is going to fucking have a big fat swing here - reports claim he is considering paying for The Met just to show that he’s always finding new Brisbane experiences. ‘I’m not going to be surprised if they’re on the first flight back to Retros.’

More to come.

Bobby Shmurda Accepts Plea Deal, Charges Downgraded to Shmoluntary Shmanshlaughter

Hip hop fans the world over are today celebrating news that one hit wonder Bobby Shmurda will no longer face the possibility of the death penalty, after reaching a plea deal with Texas prosecutors to downgrade his shmurda charge to shmoluntary shmanshlaughter.

The Brooklyn-born rapper, who rose to fame with a song the title of which this writer does not feel comfortable transcribing, is said to be shmoneying with joy at the news.

Perhaps the Patient Zero of getting a rap career off the ground through memes, modern hip hop owes so much to the visionary rapper, whose model for success has since underpinned the rise of artists like Denzel Curry and, most importantly, Lil Nas X.

With this remarkable legacy, it would be a shame to see Mr Shmurda rot behind bars, unable to continue to leave his mark on the music industry.

Thankfully, the countdown is on until Shmurda is eligible for parol and the world can finally return to its rightful state: with a dangerous criminal making mediocre music.

Godspeed.

Frustrated Contracts Lecturer Gruesomely Tears ACL

It has been a tough day for touch football fans everywhere following the news that one of the game’s bona fide stars suffered a brutal setback this morning.

Dr Ryan Mullins has long been a fixture of the Touch and Touch Rugby League (TRL) communities. Known to exploit the mixed format by repeatedly burning girls on the wing for sick breakaway tries (legend), Mullins has amassed an incredible record of 445 tries in 432 games on the way to cementing himself as one of the game’s all time greats.

But fate knows nothing of greatness, as Mullins learned earlier this morning.

The thirty-five year old, who earns his keep as a UQ Contracts II lecturer, was going about his normal routine explaining misleading and deceptive conduct under the Australian Consumer Law during an 11am seminar. All seemed as it should, and Mullins’ footy boots (Mizuno Morelia Neo II’s) were sitting at the ready in his Nike duffel bag for a 7:40pm top of the table clash against Untouchables.

However, when some dickhead asked whether a horse could qualify as a consumer, it appears Dr Mullins quite simply lost the plot. The young academic flailed around wildly, screaming obscenities and the definition of consumer under s 3 of the Competition and Consumer Act 2010 (Cth) until he hit the ground, limbs sprawled and ACL torn to shreds.

Sadly, it appears that Dr Ryan Mullins will never play touch football again.

Mainly because he can no longer understand his statutorily provided rights and responsibilities with respect to his Monday night Kedron TRL contract after he tore up his copy of the Australian Consumer Law (ACL).

A tragedy of epic proportions.

No more to come.

‘Long Story Short,’ Says Friend 45 Minutes Into Story About Spotting Her Ex At Uni

In a move that has thoroughly confounded storytellers the world over, third-year UQ student Grace Allan has folded time. 

In the conversational equivalent of a quantum leap, Grace managed to reclassify her rambling diatribe about spotting her ex-boyfriend Tyler, a Grammar bloke she dated for what was essentially 15 minutes in first year, as a succinct, compact summary of the event by deploying one phrase. 

‘So long story short, I just really don’t know what he thinks gives him the right to purchase a coffee at Merlos,” Grace said as her banal monologue hit the 45-minute mark. Incredible strategy from Grace - now she seems like a pacy storyteller and not one of her friends knew any better!

In a further twist, Grace managed to humbly raise her bat towards the Vulture Street end after hitting the half century of 50 minutes following a last-minute thought about the way his choice of jeans provided compelling evidence that he is now having thing with Amber. 

It is great to see a young orator of Grace’s skill hoodwink her mates. 

Long story short, more to come.

Depressed Revue Writers Sheepishly Show Up At Obiter Offices As If They Never Left

‘Morning guys, anyone got any article ideas?’

The downtrodden and depressed writers and actors of last week’s Law Revue have sheepishly snuck their way back into The Obiter’s offices at Herston this morning.

‘Did we miss much?’ Lachlan Glaves muttered, his eyes darting towards the floor as staff looked up in fury from their bullpens.

‘Sorry team, got a little caught up with the show hey,’ Henry Bretz said while making a cup of English Breakfast in the kitchen, prompting Drew Pavlov to lob a dim sim at his head.

Michael Fielding, the man credited by shareholders with guiding the publication through this dark time, was seen admonishing Jack Hardy over the phone, after learning he was headed to Dublin to join Editor Joe Dwyer on his ‘research conference.’

Samantha Haran uncomfortably offered the returning writers a tissue as they wept uncontrollably at their desks at the concept of writing something that didn’t require a costume team of four to make happen.

Inside reports they barely had the energy to pitch a half-hearted article about being hungover in a Monday lecture, or bumping into your ex-girlfriend at Ric’s, or ‘something.’ 

The dejected, inconsolable thespians were seen reciting their favourite sketch lines to each other next to the printer at press time.

No more to come.

Australian Travels Halfway Across World To Meet Other Australians In Hostels

‘Haha, I’ve never met anyone from Adelaide before. Travel is so eye-opening.’

The life-changing, spirit-affirming experience of travel is a privilege known to many Australians, as the bi-annual summer (or winter) exodus brings countless convicts to the shores of Europe for a bout of cultural exchange, soul-searching, and vomiting in Prague’s weirdly quiet alleyways. 

However, the main focus of Australians overseas does seem to be the absolute game-changing experience that can be meeting other Australians in hostels - and for those lucky travelers ready to take risks, those ‘other Australians’ may well be from different states. Whomst would’ve thought it - you’re in Berlin, having a beer, with a guy from Perth? It just doesn’t happen!

Crazy!

Zany coincidences aside, this powerful act of immersion can be cathartic for many Australians who have only ever bene on holiday to that classic trio of Australian East Coast destinations - Noosa, Byron Bay, and Bali, which is a country that, let’s face it, we should fucking annexe at this point. 

I mean, Hitler saw a couple of Germans in Austria and thought it high time for the Anschluss, yet we see half our country pissed on the beach in Bali and we’re not immediately thinking annexation? Come on, Australia. If you’re the Great Southern Land, why aren’t you more ready to deadset, and we’re not fucking around here, annexe Bali?

We digress.

For gutsy young backpackers like Melbourne’s very own Ben Gutson (20), the experience of being in foreign countries whilst meeting Australians from such diverse cities as Brisbane, Sydney, and Brisbane, is a blessing known to the chosen few.

‘I guess I’m just ready to seize these opportunities with two hands, particularly if those two hands are Australian! Haha, just pulling your dick chain, cobber,’ said Ben, weirdly employing a brand of Australian slang that we are cosmically unfamiliar with, perhaps in a cripplingly strange bonding attempt. Freak.

But for blokes like Ben, desperate to meet other Aussies overseas, never fear. There’s always Budapest.

No more to come on this idea that’s really similar to a few we’ve published over the last few days, which may fairly give the impression that we’re making a lot of jokes about one very specific concept these days.

‘Save Money By Cooking In A Hostel Kitchen!’ Says Man About To Drop $300 In Barcelona’s Shittest Nightclub

A budding Barefoot Investor has just deployed his greatest money-saving tip, by wisely choosing to forgo a selection of Barcelona’s finest foods in favour of a depressingly simple ‘pasta with sausages’ meal at his hostel.

However, unfortunately for this sage repository of financial wisdom, he’s about to undo all his good work by blowing $300 on a dull night in Barcelona’s shittest nightclub.

For as much as not buying dinner has saved Travis Leech (21) a couple of dollars, his complete lack of impulse control has led him down a path where he could quite realistically return to Australia with no money, and as a fourth-year uni student with an active social life based around his group chat of school mates (entitled ‘Squad’), this simply won’t do.

But as much as ‘Trav’ consciously knows money is tight, he can’t help himself when invited to a pub crawl culminating in a trip to ‘The Temple,’ a touristy hotspot in Barcelona famous for its ten-euro beers, and complete lack of dignity. 

So despite chowing down on about two kilograms of carbs, satisfied by both the simple meal he’s created in the trusty hostel kitchen, and the sense of accomplishment from not having spent hard-earned dosh on dinner, it looks like Trav is in a situation of absolute loss here.

You hate to see it to one of the greats. You particularly hate to see one of the greats realise it at 2.30am, jaw in Portugal, wallet feeling lighter than it has in weeks, and liver currently suffering the worst impacts of Travis’ utterly atrocious spending spree.

Live long and prosper, Mr Leech, although we have our doubts on both of those fronts.

No more to come.