Rock Bottom: This Man Is Pretty Excited For The BBL Finals, Actually

You have to hit true rock bottom to turn it around, and for one Brisbane local, it seems he is right on the cusp.

‘Gee, you wonder whether the Melbourne Stars have peaked too early,’ said local sad-case and cricket tragic, Lachie Watson (24), as his silly season shenanigans have rapidly given way to being weirdly invested in the BBL Finals.

Perhaps consecutive weekends of long lunches, tall beers, and becoming desperately well-acquainted with the toilet bowl of his sharehouse for both gastroenterological and alcohol-related causes have caused this young man to do a bit of soul-searching.

But while soul-searching for some usually leads them to read ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ or ‘The Barefoot Investor,’ for Lachie, it seems that soul-searching has led him to invest far too much of his time, energy, and self-worth in the trials and tribulations of franchise Twenty20 cricket teams.

Whilst Lachie would usually stand by the water-cooler at his management consultancy firm, McNicholls & West, discussing such relatable topics as ‘the bushfires’ and ‘how the coronavirus sounds like a beer,’ he now can’t be budged from in-depth analyses of the failures of AB De Villiers, and full-throated adoration of the Sixers putting together a terrific finals run despite their lack of any notable stars.

Lachie’s friends, a mis-shapen collection of school mates and work acquaintances, have expressed mild concern, although their lack of surprise seems to indicate this isn’t the first time their friend has developed an odd obsession.

‘Last summer he became deeply invested in the lore of The Hunger Games,’ stated Travis Bentley (25), a schoolmate who hangs around because Lachie can still be ‘a bit of a laugh.’

‘Wouldn’t shut up about Panem and everything. Very strange.’

More to come on this rapidly developing story on the plight of the young Australian man.

Eight-Year-Old Barista At Gold Coast Cafe Casually Champs Man Forty Years Older Than Him

‘Just a flat white then, champ?’

Today, unreal scenes are coming out of Burleigh landmark, the Mermaid’s Chlamydia Cafe & Roastery Company. 

A chirpy little blonde surfer kid, who is clearly balancing life in Year 3 with being just a deadset barista, has just looked a forty-four-year-old investment banker square in the eyes and hit him with a devastatingly simple ‘that everything, champion?’

As the sun kissed the sand of Burleigh, social cues were cast aside as this absolutely gutsy little youngster, who is clearly someone’s cousin or brother or something, decided to hurl the middle finger to tradition and just champ the shit out of a stiff looking old bloke.

The investment banker, who we have found is named Robin Harrington (44), which is as wanky as any name one can possess, is absolutely reeling from the comment. His stammering response of ‘um, um, um, yep, just card thanks,’ was hardly the work of a clever, witty genius, and his shaking hands as he pulled out his ING Orange Everyday betrayed the fact that this little surfer rat has done an absolute number on him.

And in an even more embarrassing twist, Mr Harrington had ordered his flat white on ‘skim milk,’ to which this effortlessly cool surfer kid, revealed to be nicknamed ‘Smudge’ to his mates, continued to call ‘skinny.’ 

‘Just on skinny then, champ?’

‘Ah, yes, yes, um, skim, skim milk, yes,’ stuttered Mr Harrington, his twenty-four years of corporate slavery and no holidays leading to this truly pitiful moment.

‘Gotcha, chief.’

And with that final, devastating blow, the damage was done. Whilst physically Mr Harrington will ingest the caffeine over the next half hour, and have it fully digested by sundown, the mental damage wrought by this incessant ‘champing’ truly knows no bounds.

No more to come.

Greens Somehow Responsible For Bushfire Policies Despite Literally Never Being In Government

The Australian political landscape has today been rocked by revelations that one party has managed to be in power for the last eighteen years, and influence policy to a degree never seen before - despite never winning a Federal or State election.

This group of nefarious, shadowy powerbrokers who some are nicknaming ‘The Greens’ have been able to effectively govern on a platform of ‘fuck the farmers,’ and ‘let Australia burn’ for over eighteen years, whilst never being once discovered by the party who has supposedly been in government.

‘They just let us get away with it for so long,’ said one anonymous Greens member, who goes by the name of ‘Mugabe Had A Point’ online. ‘It’s crazy! We were intentionally making policy to ensure Australia burns in 2020, and despite the fact we were literally not in government once, it all stuck! What?!’

Prominent political commentators have poked holes in this intriguing conspiracy, hysterically claiming that ‘this is not how government works,’ and ‘genuinely, how can you make policy if you are not in power.’ But that sort of intellectual elitism and snobbery won’t fly, when experts on Facebook and Twitter are aggressively claiming that a fringe party well outside of government have been safely handling government responsibilities for decades.

‘This is political success on a scale we’ve never seen before,’ said one gutsy young BAFE student who is clearly just parroting whatever his Dad told him. 

‘The Greens have managed to dominate Australian climate and bushfire management policy for the past ten years - despite literally never being in power!’

Intriguing points being made, but let’s remember not to politicise a tragedy, even if that tragedy can directly be traced to policy and political decisions. Just have a beer, how good.

No more to come.

Retro’s DJ Violently Executed For Playing Song For Longer Than 26 Seconds

The Brisbane nightlife scene has been shocked this evening, as patrons of the popular club Retro’s have been forced to witness the violent execution of resident DJ Trey Stockings, as he played an 80s hit for longer than the mandated maximum of twenty-six seconds. 

The citizens of Brisbane who usually descend upon Retro’s are an eclectic mix of loud eighteen-year-olds who just got kicked out of Birdee’s, coked-up yuppies looking to dance the night away, and strange fiftysomething men who are earnestly looking to listen to the songs of their youth. But one thing unites every resident of that packed, sticky dancefloor: a passion for 80s music, and a complete and utter lack of ability to pay attention for more than a few seconds at a time.

Since the dawn of time, Retro’s management have maintained their flagship policy of ‘twenty-six seconds a song,’ catering to those who love to go out, have a few drinks, and hear three hundred songs over the course of the night. 

Admittedly, ‘Africa’ and ‘Take On Me’ usually account for half of the plays they hear at Retro’s, but the variety is still spectacular.

Nevertheless, one brave DJ’s attempt to buck the trend and actually play a song was met with a violent, and swift end. Churchie Old Boy and professional underachiever, Trey Stockings (26), decided to make an absolutely zany decision and whack on MC Hammer’s ‘U Can’t Touch This,’ without brazenly skipping it thirty seconds into the song.

Retribution was swift.

Retro’s management descended upon poor Trey from the booth where they were enjoying their vodka redbulls, and engaged in the Braveheart-esque practice of hanging, drawing, and quartering the bloke. An emergency DJ chucked on his Spotify playlist of ‘80s bangers,’ to ensure the shocked audience could keep dancing, and crucially, to make certain that Trey’s tortured screams would be drowned out by the sweet, sweet sounds of Whitney Houston’s toe-tapper, ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody.’

Let this be a lesson to those who challenge the establishment: no-one wants to hear the whole song.

More to come from this deeply disturbing investigation into Brisbane nightlife.

Misguided Man On Date Still Hoping For A Cinema Wristie During Bombshell Screening

“Is he even listening to the fucking dialogue?!” Exclaimed disgruntled young woman Molly Howard.

Tense scenes emerging from El Taco Cinemas after local romantic Harry Brennan (23) failed to read the room. It has been reported that Mr Brennan thought he was in with a chance for a rub and tug after his date got a bit frivolous with her use of emojis earlier in the week.

However, it was clear that Brennan was unable to discern the appropriate time to deploy his romantic gestures in response. The Hollywood blockbuster ‘Bombshell’, starring Nicole Kidman, Margot Robbie and Charlize Theron, sheds light on the misogynistic and abusive workplace culture that Roger Ailes perpetrated during his reign at Fox News. However, the cultural context of the film was lost on Harry whose mind was fixated on getting to second base.

Our reporters spoke to Harry, who goes by Hazza in the boys’ chat, about the interaction.

‘haha yea probably wasn’t the ideal movie to try and get a bit of wrist action. I just saw Margot Robbie all dolled up and it sort of got me in the mood you know haha’

Brennan was unable to put two and two together to work out that fondling this young woman’s thigh during a movie about rampant sexual assault may not be the time, nor the place to try and get a chop.

‘Look I don’t understand what all the fuss us about if I’m quite honest.’ He continued, ‘It’s not like I asked to suck her toes or something… I’m not a freak’

Better luck next time big fella.

Master Of His Craft: This Seven-Year-Old Just Slipped A Whoopee Cushion Under Nan’s Rocking Chair

Breathtaking. Simply breathtaking. Those were the thoughts running through the minds of lucky onlookers as local ‘enfant terrible,’ Tyson McGray (7), engaged in one of the most slick, powerful examples of comic treachery: the humble whoopee cushion.

It was obvious to all comers that Tyson was a man in complete control of his craft as he deftly slipped the inflatable cushion under the rocking chair of his eighty-nine-year-old Grandmother, who is also known as ‘Nan,’ or on particularly intense bingo nights, ‘Slayer.’

And he took his art to the next level by managing to stifle his nigh-uncontrollable giggles with the incredibly classy move of using his Ben 10 T-shirt to cover his oral cavity (‘mouth’ to normies), the source of the laughter.

The surrounding audience, admittedly assembled primarily of Tyson’s friends and family, started to shake and laugh with uncontrollable mirth, as Tyson’s brilliance had fostered the undeniable implication that Nan had just committed the great faux pas of passing wind in a public forum.

Just like a master craftsman, a true professional, Tyson did not immediately take credit for his masterpiece, despite how easy it would be for him to simply raise his hand and state ‘It was me. I am the golden geese.’

No, our intrepid young man would wait until his eagerly gathered cousins were hanging on his every word, like those who listened to Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, to reveal himself as the architect of fake-fart-related chaos.

What a true master at work. And if this is his level now, one can scarcely begin to imagine the plane to which he might ascend, with able support and encouragement.

One day, he might even be so brave to try a ‘double dacking,’ the eternally funny process by which someone’s shorts and undies are yanked down, revealing a doodle floating carelessly, aimlessly in the wind.

More to come on this rapidly developing story about a rapidly developing young man.

‘I Love Indie Music,’ Says Man About To Introduce You To Arctic Monkeys Or Tame Impala

We’ve all been there. A few drinks deep at the bar. A few schooners consumed with alarming pace. A couple of Gin and Tonics suckled, as if they were the teat of some British colonial goddess. 

And then you’re introduced to someone. Could be a friend of a friend, could be an acquaintance of an acquaintance, or it could just be someone with an inflated sense of their own ego and a willingness to generously share that inflation with everyone.

A conversation strikes up. A shared interest is established. Maybe it’s footy, maybe it’s RuPaul’s Drag Race, or maybe it’s obsessing over Greta Thunberg to the point of alarming concern. Man, woman, or child, we can all be struck by the horrors of what may happen next.

‘Yeah, I love indie music, haha,’ you hear. Your spine stiffens. The grip on your glass grows tighter. The knot in your stomach twists until you can hardly breathe.

‘W-what indie music?’ you stammer. You’re hoping, praying, that you’ve guessed wrong. You’re terrified of what you’re about to hear.

‘Y’know, real indie stuff. Like Arctic Monkeys, Tame Impala. Even a bit of Catfish & The Bottlemen if I’m really treating myself,’ comes the reply.

‘You mean, Tame Impala who is selling out stadiums across the world?’ you suggest, subtly hinting that maybe, just maybe, this little psych-rock outfit from Perth are slightly more popular than immediately obvious.

‘Oh no, you must have misheard. I said Shame Grampala, this four-piece Melbourne band who composed the entirety of their first EP on ukuleles whilst high off the fumes of their reno job on their Brunswick sharehouse.’

Huh, you think to yourself. This guy knows his stuff. You settle in for another beer, another wine, whatever pickles your fancy.

‘What’s your name?’ you ask.

He affixes you with a glare that pierces straight to your heart.

‘Donald J Drumpf, Cheeto-in-Chief.’

No one hears the scream over the sound of ‘I Will Survive (12” Remix)’ coming on at the bar.

No more to come.

'NO ACADEMIC MISCONDUCT! NO COLLUSION!' - Man Accused of Copying CML Quizzes Claims Witch Hunt

Third year Economics/Law student James Davis has launched a fiery rebuke against the UQ Academic Registrar after he was charged with academic misconduct this morning.

Charges were brought by the Registrar following allegations that throughout Semester 2 of 2019, Davis solicited a number of classmates for screenshots of their completed CML quizzes for ECON1020: Introduction to Macroeconomics. The Obiter understands that these quizzes constituted up to 20% of the available marks for the subject, a tantalising sum for a student who has consistently struggled to perform in exam season. The Registrar’s suspicions were first aroused on August 14th, the due date of CML 1, when Davis managed to achieve a score of 100% on the 10 question quiz despite only using 40 seconds of the allotted time. However, with only circumstantial evidence, the Registrar declined to prosecute.

Even more concerningly, the whistleblower’s report alleges that Davis requested the answers on a quid pro quo basis, allegedly telling one classmate: “look mate, nobody needs to know about this. I can make it worth your while,” before lifting up his shirt to reveal six Curly Wurlys tucked into his waistband.

Davis took to Twitter to attack the credibility of the charges, labelling the Registrar as “Slimy and Desparate”, characterising the investigation as a “Witch Hunt” and defending his “perfect” performance in the quizzes. The Tweet comes as a sharp departure from his usual pattern of posting, which largely consists of uncreative abuse directed at French rugby referees.

When asked at press time why he was taking a first year economics course when he is a third year Economics student, Davis became flustered, and eventually violent.

“I don’t need to defend myself to you fuckwits!” spat Davis, before throwing a Curly Wurly at an attending journalist. Davis was immediately apprehended by police and charged with assault occasioning deliciousness. The journalist was unharmed.

More to come.

Report: Lecturer Who Uses “Retarded” As A Verb Has Gigantic Cock

UQ Property Professor Rory Grandoak (43) has today flexed his magnum dong with a grossly gratuitous use of the word “retarded”.

Sources say Grandoak’s epic dick flaunt came during a class discussion of native title. After detailing the history of the Racial Discrimination Act and it’s effect on Indigenous property rights, Grandoak turned to the WA parliament’s attempts to frustrate the development of native title in the 1990s.

It is alleged that at this point Grandoak unsheathed his mega member and rubbed it all over the faces of the students in attendance, proverbially of course.

Despite a wealth of available synonyms - impeded, slowed, curbed, just to name a few - Grandoak settled on the slur in a brave affront to loony lefties everywhere.

Grandoak went on to criticise the generally insufficient quantum of compensation for extinguished native title, labelling the government’s fiscal practices as “niggardly”, as the sirens of the UQ Integrity Unit blared in the distance.

Stunning and brave, Professor.

More to come.

Man Realises Joke Probably Wasn’t Worth It As Girlfriend’s Meltdown Enters 8th Hour

SILLY MAN: Jacob Harding (23), currently on a self-proclaimed ‘lads trip’ with ‘the boys’* around Europe is today wondering where it all went wrong after what he thought was an innocuous joke has triggered World War Three.

Mr. Harding’s morning started innocently enough with a full English breakfast watching the Rugby World Cup quarterfinals. However, unbeknownst to him, halfway around the world, his girlfriend Kaitlin Eriksson (21) was powering towards the bottom of her second bottle of Champagne at a charity Gala.

As is expected with one and a half litres of champagne swirling around her system, Kaitlin took this opportunity to express to Mr Harding how much she missed him while he was on his holiday. Despite spending the last six years of his life deciphering legal doctrines, Jacob read the room about as well as a dyslexic toddler and responded, ‘New phone who dis?’.

Ms Eriksson’s eye began twitching involuntarily as she took in his response.

‘Does he think that this…’ she muttered as her breathing became more and more laboured, ‘IS A FUCKING GAME’ she screamed, alerting everyone in the room.

‘hehehe, pretty good one. She’ll love this gear’, Jacob thought as he sighed and watched an English winger scoop up an intercept for the easiest try of his career.

‘Oh look she’s pretending to be mad’ he smiled as a tirade of messages flooded into his inbox.

Meanwhile, ten time zones away, Kaitlin was being physically restrained by six of her closest friends while she verbally threatened to ‘swim across the pacific to rip his dick off and choke him with it’.

Jacob’s friends even started to message him asking him what he’d done to which he thought, ‘God she’s better than I expected, even got our mates in on it’.

It wasn’t until he received a message from their mutual friend Anna describing Kaitlin as ‘maaaaad’ that the penny dropped.

 ‘Fuck that’s a lot of a’s. Maybe I’ve cooked this a bit’, he panicked and began working on damage control.

Obiter investigators believe Jacob has managed to subdue the situation and will be able to sleep safely at night without fearing for the safety of his genitals.

More to come.

*Don’t worry we hate this guy as much as you do.