Human Rights Group to Investigate After Masked Man Accidentally Waterboards Self

The UN Human Rights Council has today announced they will conduct an investigation into reports that science student and self-described larrikin Henry Powell contravened the Geneva Conventions against torture.

The incident is alleged to have occurred at a Brisbane coffee shop this morning, where Powell purchased a Dirty Chai Latte on Almond Milk, an order that onlookers described as “gaudy”.

Eager to indulge, it is alleged the socially-minded student forgot he was wearing a mask, and proceeded to waterboard himself, flagrantly violating multiple international covenants. This reporter suggested the term “coffeeboarded”, but was shouted down at the press club.

Reached for comment, Mr Powell said he “just felt like a bit of an idiot I guess.”

An idiot indeed, and perhaps a war criminal to boot. UNHRC spokesperson Debora Sartre said the council is “gravely concerned” by the reports and will pursue the harshest possible remedies against Mr Powell if they are substantiated.

“If these reports are true, the UN will come down with its full might against Mr Powell” said Sartre at press time.

“He will never have seen such a strongly worded email.”

Some people still care.

No more to come.

‘I’m Really Worried About The Juris Take Home!’ Says Absolute Nerd Who’s Never Eaten Their Mates

With mid-semester assessment heating up faster than the late August temperature, university students across all corners of Dutton Park and Yeronga are beginning to feel the pressure. Not the pressure of learning a normal degree during completely abnormal world-ending times, but rather, the pressure of trying to impress Mum and/or Dad.

And for Law students, the Jurisprudence take-home exam shapes as a serious source of stress. With only 24 hours to complete the exam, it’s estimated that absolutely zero percent of students will do the sensible thing and do it in deadset like two hours.

Many will take the full twenty-four, in a move so deranged it’s been compared to the decision to fuck a security guard. Not even just in quarantine, just in general. They’re bastards. 

But the height of absolute geekdom are the students who are preparing to sit the take-home without even having the dope, kick-ass lived experience of chowing down on a mate’s leg after you went speluncean exploring with him. 

Wow! Did no-one get outside much?

Our deeply buff sources have reported that much of the talk of the Law School is about ‘due dates,’ instead of ‘Jew dates,’ which is what we nicknamed this Jewish couple in our cave-exploring group who were on their third date before we got trapped and we had to eat them both, and then ourselves.

Crazy scenes!

The epidemic of frickin’ nerds in the Law Library is one that has been observed by many of the cool, loose legends to walk the hallowed halls of TCB. But the fact that rates of observed cannibalism are on the decline is shameful.

Drink a fucking beer.

No more to come.

‘I’ll Add It To My List,’ Says Bloke Who Has No Plans To Watch That Movie You Just Suggested

It has been revealed today that the bloke in your friendship circle who has not seen Pulp Fiction has absolutely no plans to watch it, regardless of how often you tell him he should watch it.

Alex Nicholson has reported to The Obiter that he has successfully been deploying a new tactic in order to avoid pushback when explaining that he has no interest in whatever the latest Christopher Nolan, Greta Gerwig or Spike Lee film is.

‘I just tell them that I’ll add that movie of theirs to my ‘list’. This list doesn’t really exist, but it means I don’t have to keep listening to their play-by-play recaps of this film he reckons is an absolute bloody must-see,’ reports Nicholson. 

‘I also make sure to call it a ‘movie’ and not a ‘film’. I know that really pisses them off. Even moreso when they try to call it a ‘cinematic experience,’ or a ‘feast for the senses.’ Just weird.’ 

‘The beauty of this technique is that you can apply it to almost any medium! Podcasts, TV shows, albums…the list is endless.’ 

It is reported that Nicholson has been telling his mates to deploy that ‘add it to my list’ line whenever their girlfriend’s best friend tells them to listen to the Shameless podcast once every three weeks.

In tragically related news, it looks like the pained cries of ‘listen to the latest Busby Marou album’ will fall on deaf ears for another few months.

No more to come.

‘C-Covid What?’ Asks Bewildered Broncos Player Licking The Doorknobs At Pubs

It’s become rapidly apparent to the majority of rule-abiding, newswatching Australia that embattled NRL club the Brisbane Broncos have never heard of COVID-19. Despite being so willing to use the pandemic as a ready-made excuse for their abhorrent lack of form, the loose attitude to pubs, clubs, transmitting germs, and transmitting germs at pubs or clubs, has become immediately obvious.

Whilst the average punter is hardly an expert in molecular transmission of infectious diseases, even the most blind referee with his eyes painted on can see that openly licking the doorknobs and used tables at crowded pubs is a fairly dangerous activity at the height of a pandemic.

Which makes it all the more bewildering that it is apparently a ‘team-bonding activity’ for the struggling club at Red Hill.

‘Yeah, we know it looks pretty weird,’ said Anthony Seibold, fronting a press conference with nineteen lawyers and an ex-Mossad special agent just in case anyone brings up ‘those rumours.’

‘But when I was at Harvard, we learnt a lot about business leadership - and strategic risk was an important concept.’

Many journalists were pained to point out that strategic risk refers moreso to undertaking cautious activities with a definite gain, rather than encouraging Kotoni Staggs and Patrick Carrigan to cough in everyone’s mouth at the Everton Park Hotel.

‘Can’t say I’ve heard of this ‘corona’ stuff,’ reported captain Carrigan, after all the boys had just shared one water bottle at training.

‘Covid-covid… doesn’t ring a bell!’ exclaimed sacked forward Tevita Pangai Jr, fresh from drinking a beer from a spit bucket that had been passed around a local wine tasting.

And the final straw came with the ultimate germ transmission between player and coach, involving a third party. Although we can’t print those rumours here because we don’t want Anthony Seibold to literally kill us.

No more to come.

Ekka Winds Clearly Not That Worried About The Ekka

After the seismic changes brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic, few expected life to feel normal for some time. But one vestige of a bygone era has remained. The Ekka Winds. Despite the complete and utter lack of an Ekka, except for that deranged drive-thru which doesn’t have a patch on the relentless scent of cow manure, the Ekka Winds have decided to do Queensland an absolutely mammoth solid and stick around for August.

The traditional cold, dry temperatures and booming winds of August in Brisbane are most commonly associated with rugging up at the Ekka with a fellow Year 9 student, maybe watching the fireworks under a picnic blanket in the stands which you misguidedly thought was an uber-romantic move, but which she interpreted as a sign you were ‘such a good friend.’

But this winter, with no Ekka, and the RNA Showgrounds littered with the broken dreams of young Brisbanites who were hoping to drink six shots of vodka out of a battered Mt Franklin water bottle, the winds have decided to do their part in restoring a vague sense of sanity to proceedings.

We briefly conversed with a spokesman for the Ekka Winds, Mr Derryn Grinch (no relation). ‘We thought it was pretty important to stick around, just to remind everyone that August in Brisbane can be really uncomfortable.’

‘We saw some people having beers on the grass at Southbank, and a few menus at pubs that weren’t blowing away, and we thought that just wasn’t on.’

Whilst some Brisbane residents have complained about the advent of these vicious winds, others are happier about their presence.

‘Makes my farts blow away quicker, ha ha!’ said your disgusting Dad who you moved to Melbourne to get away from but have to live with again due to the pandemic.

No more to come.

‘Gotta Beat That Long Weekend Traffic,’ Says Dad Jumping In The Car This Morning

‘It’s going to be a nightmare on the Bruce Highway, buddy,’ said Mark Pickering (49), a loving father-of-three and a man who seems to be utterly paranoid about any remote traffic build-up.

‘We’ve gotta beat the long weekend traffic if it’s the last thing we bloody well do!’

When the Premier (we’re not even going to attempt that last name without the assistance of SpellCheck and a priest) announced a long weekend to commemorate the tragic passing of the Ekka, most Queenslanders thought that a trip to the beach or the country could be just the tonic to months of COVID-driven fear, isolation, and increasingly unsavoury masturbatory habits.

But for Mark Pickering, this was more than a family holiday. This was an opportunity, to finally get one up on the ‘civilians’ who would be sitting in traffic on Thursday night or Friday morning.

‘Fuck it,’ Mark thought to himself, staring in the eyes of his youngest, Tyson.

‘We’re leaving on Tuesday morning.’

Despite Mark having to wipe out his annual leave balance at Place Kangaroo Point in order to do so, the sense of personal triumph and accomplishment he felt packing the Pajero this morning was nothing short of astronomical.

And as Stradbroke Island beckons, with minimal traffic on the M1, this Queensland Dad has a message for everyone.

‘I miss my wife.’

No more to come.

Americans Just Want To Get Back To Normality Where Kids Shoot Up Schools

On Monday, the United States recorded a colossal 70,000 new COVID-19 cases, further cementing their position as a complete and utter embarrassment to Planet Earth.

As the country's death toll from the global pandemic continues to soar, many parts of the country remain under severe lockdown.

Unsurprisingly, this has been a source of enormous frustration for the gun-loving, bible-bashing, obesity ridden, logic-deprived nation.

Americans, now more than ever, just simply want things to go back to how they were.

Take me back to the good old days!" spat Tucker McGeeves (54) as he used a shotgun to cut his toenails.

"Darn Tootin!" replied Jeff Texas (62), as he used his Make America Great Again cap to drink a Vodka Sunrise.

"Honestly, when was the last time we let a mentally ill 12-year old walk into a gas station to buy a hot dog and an automatic weapon?!" he drawled seductively with a thick southern twang.

It appears that President Donald Trump shares the sentiment of Jeff and Tucker, with the Big Orange demanding that schools reopen in the coming weeks.

No more to come.

‘Wow, There’s A Lot of Snobs Doing Law,’ Says Snob Doing Law

Despite David Pissner’s (19) recent graduation from an elite all-boys private school and current position as a high-paid printing executive at one of those wanky sounding law firms, David reckons that he just doesn’t really ‘fit in’ with all the other law students.

This defiance against the status-quo comes days after an objective fuckwit in his Crim A seminar, Ian McGriches, whose Facebook is littered with references to ‘Daddy Newman’ and ‘Sexy Tony,’ said a rather ‘hows-your-father’ comment about women. 

This drew an uncomfortable, yet polite smile from David.

It was only after Ian popped off to the toilet and every single person at his table collectively started to say to each other ‘what the actual fuck’ that David clicked on to the fact that Ian might have been a bit off. 

David even joined in the discussion with his own incisive jibe of ‘yeah, he was rather unpleasant.’

We salute your courage, Dave.

That night, David, after taking off his definitely-not-prescription Giorgio Armani glasses and placing them on his bedside table beside his high school tennis doubles trophies, begun a journey of self-reflection, thinking to himself, ‘Jeez, there aren’t many normal decent average normal good standard blokes like me doing law, I reckon.’

And as he fell asleep, firmly sandwiched between Country Road sheets and safe in the knowledge there would be a family dinner on the table for him every night, he reflected on his privilege for all of fourteen seconds, before dreaming of a first-year girl who smiled at him once in the Lawbry.

No more to come.

Bloke In Group Chat Who Sends Screenshots Of The News Under The Impression You Live Under A Rock

Despite the fact that there’s a fair bit going on in the news these days, your mate, and engineering student with some fairly left-of-field opinions, Jimmy Lentil (19), reckons that, just to be safe, he best deliver the top headlines to the group chat on a daily basis.

This typically sparks about a two to four message conversation between Jimmy and the nerd of the group (Ethan) about how the world is ‘kinda fucked.’ Emma usually chips in about how this particular piece of news deeply affects her life too.

Some of Jimmy’s finest work came amid the early stages of the COVID-19 outbreak, with the young lad breaking the news that Birdees was closing down its indoor space.

He also prides himself on relaying to the group the how many cases Italy, Spain, Zambia and South Yemen have had for the day (he also loves a case himself! Ha!).

Also, there’s this bloke called Daniel Pavloo (?) that Jimmy reckons you should know about too. It’s some story about this Danish bloke who’s in love with Chinese popstar that keeps leading him on and Dan is just his mate that calls her out on her shit. Really fascinating read actually.

More to come.

OPINION: Chris Lilley Is A Total Dickhead In His Character Of ‘Mum’s New Boyfriend’

This is such bullshit. And it’s insane the media isn’t talking about it. I, Jason Wetherington, twelve years old, am the only one brave enough to come out and say it loud to the people of Australia.

Chris Lilley’s new character sucks. He sucks dick and balls.

I don’t know why the mass media is refusing to cancel him for it, but he’s been playing the role for at least three months now and hasn’t shown any signs of stopping.

This whole character of ‘Mum’s New Boyfriend’ is pretty weird, if we’re being honest. It doesn’t reach the hilarious heights of the super-gay drama guy, Mr G, or the subtle and nuanced racial commentary of African-American artist ‘S. Mouse.’ Instead, this miscellaneous character of ‘Chris’ seems more concerned with having sex with my Mum and sitting around the house than making any sort of biting satirical point.

And also, it’s such a crazy name for a character. His name is already Chris Lilley! Why would he call the ‘Mum’s Dickhead Boyfriend/My New Dad’ character ‘Chris’ as well! It’s just confusing.

And while I had a lot of time for Jonah’s antics, particularly in the modern masterpiece Jonah From Tonga, the title of which was instrumental in clarifying his confusing heritage, I don’t have quite as much appreciation for the comedic art of constantly calling me ‘champ’ and asking me to call him ‘Dad.’

Um, I already have a Dad? He’s just really busy, and has lots of friends that he has to see a lot?

Fuck off, Chris Lilley. I don’t get the character in the slightest.

And Mum, is it alright if Sacha Baron Playingakid comes over for dinner tonight? He’s this new Year 6 who just started at Mt Grovesnor’s, and he’s really tall, so maybe we can play basketball before fish fingers for dinner (please).

No more to come.