Local 22-Year-Old Girl Still Not Over The Flying Cock Shutting Down

The final hours of 2019 represented a dark moment for the people of Brisbane and, above all, Katie (22).

It’s not just because she received a fine for public urination that night which she’ll have to awkwardly explain when she applies for her practising certificate, it’s because that night she went through the hardest break up of her life - her breakup with The Flying Cock.

For what are still inexplicable reasons, Brisbane’s best dance has shut down. The Valley has never been the same.

‘We just had something really special,’ Katie sobbed uncontrollably, ‘I can’t even look at chicken anymore without thinking about her’.

Katie knows Laruche is alright but it’s useless if she requires the use of her eardrums the next day. Ric’s is okay if she feels like giving herself a contact STD, but usually she doesn’t. Katie knows this is one loss she’ll never be able to let go of.

A dedicated attendee, Katie proved her devotion to her favourite venue by making it into the DJ booth every night. Maybe she had to tell the bouncer the DJ was her ‘brother’ to let her in. Sure, and maybe he had questions when she started pashing her ‘brother.’

She knows that ‘the Cock’, as it was affectionately known, will inevitably be turned into a Woolworths, and her beloved TBC will be a three car parking bay. At this rate, all she has left are her Birdman Randy covers of ‘dancing in the moonlight’ and ‘let’s dance to joy division.’

To date, Katie’s go fund me page to reopen the venue has reached a total of $72.

‘Til next time’, she whispered to herself, scattering the ashes of a vodka red bull on the corner of Brunswick and McLachlin street.

Hollywood Wins 'Most Liveable City For Famous People To Get Away With Assault' Award

‘It hasn’t been since MJ and Harvey Weinstein were around that we have felt that this city is so clearly the deserving winner of this great honour,’ the Cornell Institute of Rankings declared in a public statement.

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Knowing that Hollywood is a place free from repercussions for anything, Will Smith - in front of an audience of millions - has today walked onto stage at the Oscars and given an old-fashioned beat down to fellow Hollywood star, Chris Rock, after Rock cracked a funny about Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett Smith.

Smith, who bizarrely didn’t provide a response to our emails for comment, was later in the evening then presented with the Best Actor in a Leading Role award, using his acceptance speech to effectively say, ‘I didn’t do nufin wrong’.

The Cornell Institute of Rankings has been quick to now move to present the city the Hollywood with the 'Most Liveable City For Famous People Get Away With Assault' Award, a title that the city has now held for the 19th consecutive year (Washington DC taking it home in 2003 for obvious reasons).

‘Hollywood continues to impress us with their response to Will Smith slapping someone in broad daylight - it hasn’t been since MJ and Harvey Weinstein were around that we have felt that this city is so clearly the deserving winner of this great honour,’ the Institute declared in a public statement.

‘Yeah, but he was good in that movie about those tennis players!’ Will Smith’s lawyers submitted to the Hollywood District Court, hoping to have their client’s assault charge dismissed on the grounds of ‘money’.

Smith is rumoured to have now commenced production of the blockbuster sequel: ‘The Pursuit of Slappyness’.

Aussie Kids Forced To Actually Ride Kangaroos To School Amidst Soaring Petrol Prices

In an attempt to reach net zero emissions by 2030, and tackle the ever-debilitating fuel prices, the federal government today has announced that the coat of arms animal will be Australia’s newest public transport fixture.

Minister for Transport and Main Roads, Mark Bailey, has announced that the exciting new ‘Roo-ber’ initiative has been inspired by a culmination of astronomical petrol prices and ignorant American folklore.

Surprisingly, according to initial testing, the wild animal transport method has been clinically proven as 110% safer than e-scooters and ubers, and 90% less sporadic than road cyclist. The Federal Government has begun assisting this transition, pouring $400 million into kangaroo farms, and generously allocating an additional $400 billion into the ‘bum-blister ointment’ private sector.

This novel move has caused much discourse in the public transport sector, with other nations keen to follow.

It is rumoured later this week Elon Musk will announce another animal inspired service, ‘Deer-di’ , in the United States of America. It is predicted that as of next week, all school age students will be taught how to speak ‘skippy’ – a highly time efficient method of kangaroo communication- to ensure this is a seamless transition.

While wearing helmets aren’t required for kangaroos, the Brisbane City Council has announced that a southern cross tattoo and thongs are a must.

'Yeah, It Is A Lot of Reading,' Says Law Student Who Hasn't Bought A Textbook Since First Year

‘Yeah no, you’re absolutely right, it’s pretty crazy, haha,’ Ben Cripps (22) told his optometrist, who remained blissfully unaware that the last time he’d bought a textbook or read a case was when Obama was still President.

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It was in Ben Cripps’ second week of uni, back when the Fast and Furious franchise had released only its seventh film, that he learnt a valuable lesson.

After making a valiant attempt to get through the 14 chapters and 22 cases that his Contracts A lecturer had prescribed for the week, he came to the stark realisation that the ‘reading’ element of his law degree wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

In fact, his subsequent discovery of the biblical domains - StudentVIP and StuDocu (amongst others) - has reduced his total weekly uni study time from about 6-8 hours in the infancy of his degree to now, in his fifth year, a generous 45-minutes - which mainly involves him scrolling through TikTok while playing an Admin Law lecture at double speed as background ambience.

Nonetheless, when Ben is asked - be it by his hairdresser, mum’s tennis friend or in this case his optometrist - whether he has to do ‘a lot of reading’ in his law degree, he falls victim to his agreeable disposition and confirms this seemingly unanimous view of the community.

What a coward.

'M@rkand5usan': Family's Netflix Password Thwarts Foreign Cyber Hackers

‘I guess Putlocker will have to do,’ sighed infamous Russian state-sponsored cyber-criminal Albert Pudovkin (38), who had now all but accepted that the Baker’s family Netflix account was simply impenetrable.

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Albert Pudovkin (38) hasn’t been outwitted on many occasions. Throughout the early 2000s, he was responsible for crippling the US Government with a serious targeted cyber-attacks. The name Pudovkin is lauded in the international cyber-criminal community. The man knows what he’s doing.

But when Pudovkin, desperate to watch Season 1 of Byron Baes, came across the Baker’s family Netflix account, he knew he’d met his match.

After a mammoth 16 hour hackathon, Pudovkin was getting nowhere.

‘Who are these fucking masterminds!’ he wailed, genuinely concerned if he still had what it took to make it as a full-time crook. ‘I guess Putlocker will have to do,’ Pudovkin eventually conceded.

He’d been beaten.

.When we contacted Mark Baker for comment, he had this to say: ‘oh bugger, he didn’t get in? Well that’s annoying, I’ve not been able to login to the account for weeks! Did he try with a capital M??’

No more passwords to come.

'Been A While Hasn't It, Mate?' Says Bloke Who Clearly Doesn't Remember Your Name

‘So you, uh, still just doing uni then, big man?’ asked the bloke who you once shared a Grade 9 Art class with - who’s name was either James, John, Jamal or George Michael.

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On any other day, had you regrettably locked eyes with this particular old schoolmate out and about, you would’ve given, at the very most, a polite nod of affirmation and a toothless grin. In fact, in most cases, you both would’ve happily agreed to play the game of ‘let’s pretend we don’t recognise each other’.

But, as we all know, sometimes our instincts betray us - sometimes the Pale Ale’s convince our brain to do things that clearly aren’t good ideas. On this occasion, it was to say hello in the drinks line at Ric’s to James/John/Jamal or George Michael - a man who you couldn’t name more than three things about if you’re life depended on it (he played Volleyball at some point?).

This is how that conversation proceeded:

• You ask who he’s here with, to which he names three people you’d never heard of.

• He asks who you’re here with, to which you think ‘geez, what have I got myself into’.

• You mention that you also ran into another guy from school tonight - he clearly has no idea who you’re talking about.

• You both agree that Ric’s is ‘a bit shit tonight’.

• You ask if he’s still playing Volleyball - he laughs, having clearly not heard what you said.

• You panic, and tell the following three lies: ‘sorry, mate, I just need to head to the bathroom, but it’s good to catch up, I’ll see you around’.

More mistakes to come.

Bloke Tucks Into IWD Cupcake While Complaining About Woman Who Didn't Want To Have Sex With Him

Brian McHenry (29) spent his Saturday night at The Osbourne chatting up anyone who would listen. The DJ was playing absolute belters such as ‘Imma Be’ by the Black Eyed Peas. The dance floor was packed. With a vodka lime soda in one hand, Brian’s flailing, wondering, sticky other hand brushed its way across the lower back of every crop top wearing woman in the joint.

Come Tuesday morning, Brian was spotted scoffing down a celebratory International Women's Day cupcake at morning tea. After hearing from the only female director in the business about respecting and championing women in the workplace, Brian relayed his disappointment about his performance on Saturday to colleague, Dan David (27).

“I was chatting to this chick all night, things are looking good, we’re bantering, I’ve bought her a vodka lime soda. Then l ask if we should head to mine and she says she wants to stay there with her friends. Don't get me wrong I respect her and all but if I knew it was going to be for nothing I wouldn’t have bothered mate honestly!”.

But eventually, Brian settled into his day of boiling the ocean in his corner office.

First, he took to LinkedIn to comment on his firm's IWD post featuring their Gender Equity Committee, of which Brian is of course a figurehead of. ‘Happy IWD to my female co-workers!’

Second, Brian compiled a slide deck ensuring to only use dark and bold designs.

Third, off to the club to play golf with a client. 

And that was literally all.

Breaking the bias one cupcake at a time.

Putin Completely Forgets About Plans for World Domination After Discovering Wordle

‘World domination?! More like Wordle domination, haha!’ the Dobby-the-Elf lookalike exclaimed, after one of his top aides queried why he’d suddenly lost interest in taking over the world and all that.

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It’s out with the dictator and in with the dictionary, as Russian President, Vladimir Putin, once again puts all 5’7” of himself into today's New York Times Wordle, having becoming completely addicted to the game last week.

In a shocking display of idiocy, Putin has already exhausted his first five attempts with the words, “WITCH”, “FROGS”, “MOODY”, “GHOST” and “SPELL.”

Now on his sixth and final attempt, the little house elf is struggling to figure out the tricky letter combo: “S, Q, U, something, B.”

Putin rejected his best buddy’s, Vladislav Kroshnvaskikzizaralq’s, recommendation to, ‘play the odds and try another vowel,’ leaving Putin pretty much fucked. Silly Putin. Game tactics clearly are not his thing.

‘Zis is too hard!’ Putin told the Obiter, nearly on the verge of tears.

With the clock ticking and tomorrow’s Wordle fast approaching, Putin downed half a dozen vodka shots to really get the brain juices flowing. In an attempt to assist, the Obiter team offered Putin a crash course in English language and human decency, but he (unsurprisingly) declined.

Will Putin be able to come up with the one correct letter in the next six hours? Or will he go down in history as being a complete dumbo.

Watch this space.

'Unforeseen Monumental Disaster Pause Week' Set To Become Permanent Fixture of UQ Semester Calendar

The outbreak of global nuclear warfare is tipped to become the next cause of UQ students being able to put the feet up for a week.

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In breaking news this afternoon, the University of Queensland has announced that for the second time in three years, we’re all getting the week off early in the semester as a result of another unprecedented catastrophe.

The Obiter can now confirm that after a lengthy meeting of the UQ Senate, the administration of the university has come to an agreement that a ‘Pause Week’ will be introduced in every single semester for the foreseeable future, a move which Vice-Chancellor Deborah Terry has described as necessary to combat ‘the latest fucked up shit that this bullshit of a decade throws at us’.

Staff at the university have already begun updating the incredibly aesthetically pleasing academic calendar in line with this decision.

Jim David (21), a third-year Economics student at the university, has welcomed the move with open arms.

‘Oh mate, keep ‘em coming I say, haha,’ Jimbo told us, ‘if Putin invading Bulimba means I get a week off to catch up on Survivor, you’re not gonna see me putin up a fight, haha!’

Jimbo’s sentiment no doubt resonates with many a sheltered millennial across Brisbane, whose life remains pretty much the same as it was in 2019.

More fires/floods/coughs/wars to come.

Property Value of Rundown Share House in St Lucia Skyrockets With New Waterfront Views

Hungover flatmates have woken up this morning in their inner-west Brisbane property to discover something only multi-millionaires can usually afford.

An event that Bill Burphy (21) described just after lunch as “actually pretty fucking serious”, has left a bigger pool in his backyard than what the council is even willing to pay for.

With the water levels rising, the mates have considered swapping social Friday backyard cricket to Friday backyard regattas.

There are now rising concerns amongst the broke uni students that this new addition to their property could soar their rent value through the roof. However, rest assured, water front properties won’t be so popular after this weekend.

While the Robin-hood of weather events has ripped expensive boats off the city’s billionaires, it sure has been accomodating towards those with deep ditches in their backyards.

While we wait in anticipation to see the full effects of this weather event, in the meantime Bill agrees it’s time to get the surf ski out.