'Sooo...What Are We??' Asks Extremely Confused Guy After One-Night Stand

‘Bro, I don’t even know your last name,’ Ellie Woods replied to the overly keen 18-year-old that lay next to her, Wilson G... well, actually, we don’t know his last name either.

**********

In a tragic turn of events, a young man has been rejected by who he thought was the love of his life. 

Last Thursday night, Wilson (18) hit the Valley with “the boys” to get some hookies. After an excruciating wait in line, Wilson and the boys finally entered Brisbane’s most delightful, welcoming nightclub, Birdees.

Upon entrance, Wilson hit the dance floor where he met Ellie Woods (also 18, obviously), who was shaking her booty to “Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull. After buying her and her besties each two vodka Redbulls (sugar free), Wilson was lucky enough to be invited back to Ellie’s St Lucia apartment for some ‘pretty average sex,’ as Ellie described it.

On Friday morning, Wilson hung around for a total of 2 hours and 27 minutes (a whole 2 hours and 26 minutes too long), working up the courage to ask Ellie a question that had been on his mind since the moment they locked eyes on the d-floor.

‘Sooo... what are we??’ Wilson asked.

‘Bro, I don’t even know your last name,’ Ellie replied.

After an awkward pause, Ellie announced that she had a hair appointment she had to go to, prompting Wilson to finally fuck off.

Ellie has confirmed with The Obiter that she in fact did not have a hair appointment.

She has since successfully ghosted Wilson.

No more to come. 

Kid Who Liked Le Snak and Ribena in Primary School Now On Expensive Cheese And Wine Tour in SA

Just like a warm school lunchbox at 4pm, the Barossa valley cheese still contained a healthy serving of bacteria.

The couple who now only eats cheese worth more than $120 seemed to forget about their humble lunch box beginnings when boasting to their friends about their trip down to the Barossa.

Rebecca and Mark after their SA honeymoon made it very clear to their friends that you can’t buy ‘real’ cheese in supermarkets. A trip that costs more than a year’s supply of groceries at Woolies has made these self-proclaimed ‘foodies’ a lot bloody harder to please.

This ‘snobby’ trip has sent shockwaves among the fiancé’s mates, with them convinced Mark will now no longer be a regular guest of ‘hot-dog crust pizza’ Fridays. When asked if this new selection of cheese will make an appearance in Mark’s smoko lunch box, a “hell no” was received.

The Obiter can reveal that there is perhaps still a comfortable place in society for Le Snaks.

Don’t forget where you came from.

First-Year Shocked That No One Else From School Thought To Rock The Senior Jersey At Market Day

‘Well this is just plain weird,’ thought a puzzled Hunter Birks (18), as he subtly slipped his newly purchased UQ Law crewneck sweater over what he had assumed would be everyone else’s number one choice of apparel for the day.

***********

When Hunter ‘Birko’ Birks, a starry eyed ex-GPS first-year, arrived at Market Day he was greeted by a cohort of Cromwell freshers slutdropping to Justin Timberlake’s ‘SexyBack’. Naturally, Birko assumed that this would be the strangest thing that he would see that day.

But Birko stood corrected.

The hustle and bustle of youth politicians and various religious sects trying to sell him membership cards could not distract the young lad from an unmistakable reality - that he was the only person on campus representing the light dark green and red.

‘I don’t get it, it’s like they’ve all forgotten their roots,’ an earnestly puzzled Hunter divulged to us as he attempted to win two free rounds of Strike Bowling and a one-week trial at Snap Fitness.

But noticing grimaces and light shakes of the head from other students, Hunter felt like he was left with no choice but to assimilate. He B-lined straight for the L card stand, pushing past a UQ BARS exec before he could even ask if he liked rumbos, and purchasing, in a flash, as much law merch as he could get his hands on.

'Phew, now I can fit it,’ exhaled a relieved Birko.

Ah yeahhh, good luck with that one H. Enjoy Birdees mate.

Man With Absolutely Nothing Going For Him Witnesses Minor Crime, Won't Stop Talking About It

‘Yeah, so it was pretty full on,’ recapped Joseph Earl (26), again reminding other dinner party attendees that he saw a couple of blokes take a few bucks from the cash register of the local public pool administration building last Tuesday.

**************

There were dramatic scenes at 7pm last Tuesday in Lutwyche, with a public pool administration building viscously burgled - the offenders stealing $95 cash and a single rainbow paddle pop from the mini freezer.

A neighbourhood resident (Joseph, 26) was walking his pit bull terrier, Lloyd, at the time. When police arrived, Joseph was elated that he, a 26-year-old, second-year Arts student, bore crucial evidence.

Joseph, a remarkably unremarkable man, immediately realised his luck. Neighbours emerged from their homes – all eyes seemingly on him as he single-handedly took down a dangerous criminal organisation.

‘I was asking Lloyd whether he wanted to watch Mythbusters or Kung Fu Panda 2 (again) tonight and when I looked up, I saw four masked men jump into a Ford Fiesta with a bag of cash and a single rainbow paddle pop,’ he told QPS officers.  

Since last Tuesday, Joseph has miraculously worked his heroism into every interaction. Without a doubt, various dinner parties, hot dates and new friends are on his horizon. ‘I’m basically a celebrity’, Joseph has started thinking to himself.

Currently, Joseph is seeking a book deal and a Netflix mini-series.

More crime-fighting to come. Beware.

Woman Installs Compass In Car After GPS Tells Her To ‘Head North-East On James Street’

‘Oh yeah, cos that’s fucking helpful!’ screamed Katie Barbour (25), making her seventh wrong turn for the morning.

****************

Katie Barbour (25) was exiting the car park outside the James St markets last Friday when her GPS uttered something that Katie described as ‘rather strange.’

‘Head North-East on James St,’ the GPS ordered, with its usual nasally twang. Hitting the break abruptly, the young yoga instructor began to panic. Like the rest of us, Katie doesn’t have a fucking clue which way is North, East, South or West.

After re-routing a dozen times or so, Katie decided it was time she put her foot down... on the accelerator and zoom over to her local Bargain Mania (which was in the direction of West, for those interested).

There, Captain Cock sold Katie a CompassProMax180™, the latest and most sought-after compass technology in South-East Queensland.

The young woman has since installed the compass next to the jiggling Hawaiian figurine on her dashboard for use during the day. Katie has also enrolled in an astrology course with the goal of being guided by the stars at night.

This article is proudly sponsored by the CompassProMax180™. Use the checkout code ‘Ob’ for a 10% discount. Terms and Conditions apply. Gamble Responsibly. If it's flooded forget it.

Nation Chooses Trashy Reality TV Over Watching Aerial Skier Land a Quadruple Twisting Triple Backflip

‘Huh, that was actually pretty cool,’ thought Julia Burns (21), as she observed an incredible athlete at their absolute prime (name unknown) who had trained their entire life to be at the Olympics perform a perplexingly difficult routine, during a commercial break of Australian Survivor.

***********

In an intriguing insight into the human psyche, recent reports have revealed that the entire nation has collectively chosen to tune into a couple of dickheads squabble about their feelings and shit on a reality TV show rather than watch a group of elite athletes perform near-impossible stunts at the Winter Olympics.

Julia, like the rest of us, didn’t know until yesterday that the games were even on.

‘Huh, that actually was kinda impressive,’ she thought after accidently stumbling onto Channel 7 earlier this evening and catching a glimpse of some fairly skilled tricks and flips from some half- decent athletes.

But the jury is still out what’s more impressive: riding around in a luge sled at 160km/hr or having as good a pair of abs as Nathan from Season 3 of Too Hot To Handle.

Food for thought.

Facebook Update Derails Local Girl's Ability To Bitch Behind Best Friend’s Back In Real Time

Backstabbing faces critical endangerment thanks to the controversial new Messenger feature, with young women across the Meta set to no longer be able to covertly capture every latest bit of tea in their friendship circle.

***********

Hellbent on getting back at all those mean girls who wouldn’t sleep with him in college, the Zuck has introduced an alarming new messenger feature: notifications when screenshots are taken.

Local girl, Maeve (21) already knows this will ruin her life.

Gone are her days of screenshotting every passive aggressive message she receives from her uni group and flicking it to her friends with a quick “can you believe this bitch?”

Maeve also now fears that she will never find love.

‘How the fuck am I supposed to know if someone is my one true love if the group chat can’t dissect his messages as team?’ she wondered.

Between tears she assured one of our reporters that ‘organic conversation’ and ‘independent thinking’ are for boomer losers who don’t have heaps of friends to help them navigate every confusing messenger conversation they encounter.

Believing she still had time before the update was put into effect, Maeve got to work. She documented all of the evidence she could possibly need to start a fight on a rainy day or defend herself against salacious accusations. Like any meticulous record keeper, she stored that evidence sporadically in her 4000 photo camera roll that badly needed an iCloud storage update.

Unfortunately for Maeve, each screenshot triggered a notification.

It has since been reported that she’s moved to a deserted island.

No more to come.

Second Year Law Student Convinced He Can Talk Himself Out of Getting Kicked Out of Friday's

‘This is a miscarriage of justice, bro! I have rights!’ Tom Olsen (19) declared to an unimpressed 6'3, 127kg, bearded seccy, who continued to gnaw relentlessly on his fifth piece of chewing gum for the evening.

***********

Shocking news coming out of Eagle Street this evening, with local ex-GPS law student, Tom Olsen, attempting, unsuccessfully, to Harvey Spector his way out of being shown the door at Friday’s.

‘It’s just fucked, you know, I bet he doesn’t even know the law,’ a disgruntled Olso grumbled to us as he made his way to GyG, earnestly puzzled at why the Friday’s burly bouncer didn’t seem interested in the fact that he got a 6 in Contracts A.

It appears Tom’s evening had gone from bad to worse, with the elite mixed netballer reportedly having spotted his ex happily enjoying an Aperol Spritz just hours prior.

This is no doubt what sparked a series of events which culminated in Olso being advised by the frightfully enormous seccy that his night was over.

‘You’re done, sorry mate,’ the big boy told Tommo grimly, gently massaging his shoulder, moments after spotting him trying to punch on with no one in particular after they ‘looked at [him] funny’.

After a noble attempt at persuasion, which involved quoting the Magna Carta and multiple references to the civil rights movement, Tom’s night was indeed over.

More valiant attempts at saving the evening to come.

'If You Count The Seconds Since The Flash You Can Tell How Far Away The Lightning Is,' Announces Office Nerd

‘Each second is equivalent to one kilometre so it’s a rather simple calculation,’ chirped a smug Quinton Cook (32), barely containing his excitement at the cumulonimbi that La Nina had presented him this evening.

*********

Trapped inside as the clock struck 5, the Queen Street office was filled with a defeated realisation. It was a sure bet to those at WAP Inc. that Head of Information Technology, Quinton Cook, would seek to impart his cub scout knowledge onto the rest of the office - as he had done every other stormy Brisbane evening that year.

‘It’s pissing down, isn’t it?’ accountant Rob Lanning exclaimed, hopping to delay Quinton’s unwanted lecture for at least another minute.

But it was no use.

“If you look at the flash then count the seconds you can calculate how many kilometres away the lightening struck.” The office instinctively turned around.

On queue, it was Quinton, standing at the back window, overlooking nature’s fury. Calm. Collected. Calculating. “Each second is equivalent to one kilometre so it is a rather simple calculation.”

A deafening silence filled the office. Quinton had once again emerged victorious.

One by one, a captivated IT department joined their all-mighty leader Quinton at the back of the office, each of them shadowing him in his quest to triangulate each lightening strike.

More factoids to come.

Russia To Cheer Themselves Up Over Medvedev Defeat By Invading Neighbouring Sovereign State

‘That’ll show them,’ spat a sour Daniil Medvedev (25, Russian Tennis Player, Not the 2022 Australian Open Grand Slam Men’s Singles Champion, Flog).

*******

Historic scenes in Melbourne last night, with Rafael Nadal taking home a record 21st men’s Grand Slam title, defeating archetypal Russian villain, Daniil Medvedev, in five sets.

While an unquenchable thirst for power and influence was enough of a reason for Putin to invade his eastern european neighbour, his sulky teenager top athlete being beaten by a champion Spaniards has certainly pushed him over the edge, quite literally.

‘That’ll show them,’ spat a sour Daniil Medvedev (25, Russian Tennis Player, Not the 2022 Australian Open Grand Slam Men’s Singles Champion, Flog) when one of our reporters advised him of this news.

The angry Russian then proceeded to tell our correspondent that he was a ‘little cat’ who should ‘look at [him] when [he] talks to him!’. Nice fella.

No more to come.