Dad Tells Greens-Voting Daughter She Can Pay More Rent Now That She's Ruined The Economy

‘First you voted that Michael Berksman chump in, and now this! I’ve had it with you wokies!’ exclaimed Richard Wilson (52), frantically opening his CommBank account to check if he had any money left after the Green’s success in their once safe Liberal inner-western Brisbane seat.

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It’s been a tough week for Richard Wilson.

First, it was HR telling him that his aspiration of becoming a Partner at BHWE Lawyers was not to be for another year, then it was the realisation that his daughter had once again shared his Stan password with his ex-wife, and now this - a Greenie becoming their federal member in a seat that use to be held by upwards of a 20% margin by his beloved Liberals in years gone by.

‘How do you expect us to make it to Thredbo in the next three years now?!’ an exasperated Richard asked his daughter, Molly Nolan (21), chastising her for her part in the inevitable tanking of the economy.

Richard had found out how his daughter had voted last night after he’d seen a post on her insta story which read: ‘GREENSLAND WOO WOO!!! GREENSLIDE!! GO GET A REAL JOB HULIAN PIMMONDS LMAOO’.

Left fuming, Richard, who had worked day and night as a soulless corporate hack over the years to help fund Molly’s private school education, was left with no choice but to hike up his daughter’s rent.

‘That’ll teach her,’ he muttered under his breath, secretly hoping that this firm response to his daughter’s betrayal might also make her reconsider this whole bisexual lifestyle thing.

No more to come.

Report: Ex-Private School First-Year's Can't Decide Whose Mansion They Should Take Photos At For Pres

‘Guys SERIOUSLY I am literally having a panic attack over this!’ Sarah Margarine (19) exclaimed to her beloved group of Girls Grammar alum (‘18), fearing not even posting at prime time could save her latest DP from a sharp dip in likes if the right call wasn’t made.

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It’s that time of year: Mecca’s makeup application station is booked out and the spray tanned booths are fired up.

Sarah Margarine, like many, is stressing out about which over dry-cleaned Bec and Bridge number she’ll be hiring for the evening.

Most significantly, however, she’s barely keeping it together over which Queensland mansion will make the best backdrop in her new profile pic.

While her male classmates pretend they don’t care about their social media presence, she knows they’re bold faced liars - pick the the wrong mansion and their tinder profiles will go another year without any matches.

There are a few criteria that are objectively uncontroversial.

While homes below the river may be beautiful, Margarine hasn’t renewed her passport lately. Ascot is nice, but a little overdone. Anywhere near Rosalie and Margarine is at risk of drowning and (worst still) getting zero likes.

After much group chat deliberation, the matter was finalised: pres are to be held at Thomson Wyatt Sloan’s estate in Bardon.

Sarah isn’t a real fan of the joint or of Sloan (he may be hot, but he can’t make a charcuterie salami rose to save his life), but didn’t feel like going to war with the former TC and 3rd XV Terrace prop.

More first-world problems to come.

'We're All Set To Go!' Announces UQLS After Confirming Total of Two Bar Staff Hired For The Big Night

‘Gee, fair few people at this law ball thing,’ thought minimum wage worker, Simon Pints (18), as he carefully finished pouring a watered-down vodka lemonade to another disgruntled third-year.

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It truly is the night of nights - a perfect opportunity for university students from all walks of private school life to let down their hair, blow off some steam, and potentially run into their ex and have a cry - no, we’re not talking about your Aunt Mildred’s weeding reception, we’re talking about the annual law ball.

Cynics, however, have again argued that the event is bound to be an overpriced, overrated, overhyped and underperforming shambles of an affair.

Their concerns are wide-ranging: will mum take a photo of us at pre’s with our eyes open? Will the vego slider have gluten in it? Will the band play Untouched by the Veronicas? Will the floor be sticky??? Will the after-party seccy not let you in cos ‘you looked at [him] funny’? And most importantly, will the drinks line devolve into a rank mosh pit?

In spite of these concerns, we note that these same so-called ‘cynics’ have each caved in and bought a ticket for the spritely price of $125.

Nonetheless, we contacted the UQLS Exec for comment in respect of these issues, who advised us: ‘We want to reassure all law ball attendees that each and every inevitable fuck up is out of our control and never happened’.

Only time will tell whether a ‘Royal Affair’ will end up being a Royal cock up.

More to come.

Sight of Grotty Unwrapped Bar of Soap Left in Hotel Room Sink Suggests Google Reviews Was Probably Worth A Read

‘Mate, found this real deece looking place on Trivago for like 37 bucks a night!’ Ben Devere (22) had told his friend just three weeks prior, having done absolutely no research into what turned out to be an absolute shithole.

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It was just moments after entering the Grand Patel Hotel in Melbourne’s inner-west - located just a two minute walk from the local train station and a vast array of strip clubs - that Matthew Clare (21) came to the stark realisation that he’d just entered what he considered the dankest place on earth.

Having typically spent most of his holidays with Mum and Dad in, at the very least, 4-star establishments (with a buffet breakfast and wine list all too common a sight), this was a foreign landscape for the young aspiring lawyer.

So it came as quite a rude shock to Matt when the elderly Vietnamese manager of the Grand Patel, instead of guiding him to the onsite concierge, handed him a lamp and goggles, gestured towards the end of the dimly lit corridor, and whispered with a toothless grin: ‘good luck’.

The Grand Patel, which admittedly did smell a bit like the Aspley Retirement Village, had many more surprises in store for young Matt: the soap situation left him outraged, he was incensed at the itchy bedsheets, the cockroaches scampering across the floor caused raw fury, and the breakdown in the mechanics of the decaying elevator shaft simply left him defeated.

On reflection, Matt realised he probably shouldn’t have left complete oversight to his notoriously unreliable mate, Ben ‘Bluey’ Devere, in finding them a place to stay for the 4 nights - a quick search on google would’ve revealed that the Grand Patel was recently described as a ‘PLACE TO AVOID NEVER COME HERE’ by a recent vacationer.

Welcome to the real world, champ.

Bloke Desperate For A Root Spends Good Couple Of Minutes Studying Party's Invite List

‘8 mutuals on facey?? Surely I’m in with a chance here,’ thought Ron Brent (20) to himself, as he continued to carefully analyse the list of names that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s party - ‘Lily’s Easter Bash’.

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A self-described ‘Horndog’, Ronald Brent is a man with little to no shame.

Ever since being dumped by his high school sweetheart at age 19, he’s professed that he’s sick of being ‘the nice guy’. Now a guru of self-help and mindful-growth podcasts - with a plan to start his own one day - Ron, a man of great introspection, is a man on a mission.

What’s the mission, you ask? Get ‘hench’? Yes, of course. But of even more significance, Ron has an unwavering goal for this Saturday evening - get hookies at a minimum.

Having lived the ‘gym life’ for the past 6 months and currently rocking a mad ‘fresh cut’, Ron is, to be candid, bemused at his recent lack of success in this particular domain.

A source close to Ronald argued that this failing could be attributed to Ron being a ‘really boring cunt at a generous best’. When we put this allegation to Ronald for comment, he responded, ‘Nah man, that’s such negative vibes, I’m kinda of a deep thinker bro, haters just needa get on my level’.

Perhaps spurred on by these ‘negatives vibes’, Ron was spotted later that afternoon on the bus home from his shift at Grill’d deeply dissecting the list of those that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s ‘Easter Bash’ at Lily’s McSweeney’s.

We wish Ronald and his crypto chat-up lines the best of luck.

Divorced Dad Does His Bit For Ukraine By Heating Up An Aldi Chicken Kiev For Dinner Tonight

Following yesterday’s brave boycott of his weekly bottle of Smirnoff purchase, David Dohnson (42) – father of three and husband to none - has tonight again shown that he stands with the people of Ukraine, choosing to tuck his bachelor fingers into a two-minute meal of pure solidarity.

After weeks of water cooler talk about the turmoil in Eastern Europe, David Dohnson finally decided to take a stand. “I can’t stand idly by anymore, it just doesn’t sit right with me,” he said.

Bravely, David has chosen a chicken Kiev rather than his typical frozen pizza to eat in front of Friday night footy.

“It’s all about the message I’m sending my kids, about what is right and wrong.” Each crumb of delicious, cooked in four minutes chicken was a protest. Each fleck of cheese filled goodness spat out after another Ryan Papenhuyzen try sent a message directly to Putin. Each bite followed by a swig of Peroni Leggera gave the people of Ukraine hope.

David reached out to share his morality with his daughter Bella. She replied, “Thanks Dad, cool.”

Local 22-Year-Old Girl Still Not Over The Flying Cock Shutting Down

The final hours of 2019 represented a dark moment for the people of Brisbane and, above all, Katie (22).

It’s not just because she received a fine for public urination that night which she’ll have to awkwardly explain when she applies for her practising certificate, it’s because that night she went through the hardest break up of her life - her breakup with The Flying Cock.

For what are still inexplicable reasons, Brisbane’s best dance has shut down. The Valley has never been the same.

‘We just had something really special,’ Katie sobbed uncontrollably, ‘I can’t even look at chicken anymore without thinking about her’.

Katie knows Laruche is alright but it’s useless if she requires the use of her eardrums the next day. Ric’s is okay if she feels like giving herself a contact STD, but usually she doesn’t. Katie knows this is one loss she’ll never be able to let go of.

A dedicated attendee, Katie proved her devotion to her favourite venue by making it into the DJ booth every night. Maybe she had to tell the bouncer the DJ was her ‘brother’ to let her in. Sure, and maybe he had questions when she started pashing her ‘brother.’

She knows that ‘the Cock’, as it was affectionately known, will inevitably be turned into a Woolworths, and her beloved TBC will be a three car parking bay. At this rate, all she has left are her Birdman Randy covers of ‘dancing in the moonlight’ and ‘let’s dance to joy division.’

To date, Katie’s go fund me page to reopen the venue has reached a total of $72.

‘Til next time’, she whispered to herself, scattering the ashes of a vodka red bull on the corner of Brunswick and McLachlin street.

Hollywood Wins 'Most Liveable City For Famous People To Get Away With Assault' Award

‘It hasn’t been since MJ and Harvey Weinstein were around that we have felt that this city is so clearly the deserving winner of this great honour,’ the Cornell Institute of Rankings declared in a public statement.

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Knowing that Hollywood is a place free from repercussions for anything, Will Smith - in front of an audience of millions - has today walked onto stage at the Oscars and given an old-fashioned beat down to fellow Hollywood star, Chris Rock, after Rock cracked a funny about Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett Smith.

Smith, who bizarrely didn’t provide a response to our emails for comment, was later in the evening then presented with the Best Actor in a Leading Role award, using his acceptance speech to effectively say, ‘I didn’t do nufin wrong’.

The Cornell Institute of Rankings has been quick to now move to present the city the Hollywood with the 'Most Liveable City For Famous People Get Away With Assault' Award, a title that the city has now held for the 19th consecutive year (Washington DC taking it home in 2003 for obvious reasons).

‘Hollywood continues to impress us with their response to Will Smith slapping someone in broad daylight - it hasn’t been since MJ and Harvey Weinstein were around that we have felt that this city is so clearly the deserving winner of this great honour,’ the Institute declared in a public statement.

‘Yeah, but he was good in that movie about those tennis players!’ Will Smith’s lawyers submitted to the Hollywood District Court, hoping to have their client’s assault charge dismissed on the grounds of ‘money’.

Smith is rumoured to have now commenced production of the blockbuster sequel: ‘The Pursuit of Slappyness’.

Aussie Kids Forced To Actually Ride Kangaroos To School Amidst Soaring Petrol Prices

In an attempt to reach net zero emissions by 2030, and tackle the ever-debilitating fuel prices, the federal government today has announced that the coat of arms animal will be Australia’s newest public transport fixture.

Minister for Transport and Main Roads, Mark Bailey, has announced that the exciting new ‘Roo-ber’ initiative has been inspired by a culmination of astronomical petrol prices and ignorant American folklore.

Surprisingly, according to initial testing, the wild animal transport method has been clinically proven as 110% safer than e-scooters and ubers, and 90% less sporadic than road cyclist. The Federal Government has begun assisting this transition, pouring $400 million into kangaroo farms, and generously allocating an additional $400 billion into the ‘bum-blister ointment’ private sector.

This novel move has caused much discourse in the public transport sector, with other nations keen to follow.

It is rumoured later this week Elon Musk will announce another animal inspired service, ‘Deer-di’ , in the United States of America. It is predicted that as of next week, all school age students will be taught how to speak ‘skippy’ – a highly time efficient method of kangaroo communication- to ensure this is a seamless transition.

While wearing helmets aren’t required for kangaroos, the Brisbane City Council has announced that a southern cross tattoo and thongs are a must.

'Yeah, It Is A Lot of Reading,' Says Law Student Who Hasn't Bought A Textbook Since First Year

‘Yeah no, you’re absolutely right, it’s pretty crazy, haha,’ Ben Cripps (22) told his optometrist, who remained blissfully unaware that the last time he’d bought a textbook or read a case was when Obama was still President.

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It was in Ben Cripps’ second week of uni, back when the Fast and Furious franchise had released only its seventh film, that he learnt a valuable lesson.

After making a valiant attempt to get through the 14 chapters and 22 cases that his Contracts A lecturer had prescribed for the week, he came to the stark realisation that the ‘reading’ element of his law degree wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

In fact, his subsequent discovery of the biblical domains - StudentVIP and StuDocu (amongst others) - has reduced his total weekly uni study time from about 6-8 hours in the infancy of his degree to now, in his fifth year, a generous 45-minutes - which mainly involves him scrolling through TikTok while playing an Admin Law lecture at double speed as background ambience.

Nonetheless, when Ben is asked - be it by his hairdresser, mum’s tennis friend or in this case his optometrist - whether he has to do ‘a lot of reading’ in his law degree, he falls victim to his agreeable disposition and confirms this seemingly unanimous view of the community.

What a coward.