Ashgrove Family Expresses Condolences to Japan By Resharing Last Year's Niseko Snaps

‘Sending our thoughts and prayers to our Perisher,’ read Mandy Bartlett's (54) caption from this afternoon’s Facebook post, accompanied by all 57 photos from last December’s family ski trip.

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After hearing the tragic news that former Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe was shot today, an ‘absolutely gutted’ Bartlett family paid tribute to the country that they call their second home (their “snowme away from snowme”) by posting every single photo from their last family holiday in Japan.

The photos of husband Paul going down the slope with his skis on, his wife Mandy going down the slopes with her skis on, daughter Cindy going down the slopes with her skis on and son Tod standing at the top of a halfpipe with his snowboard on (later reports confirm he did not actually go down the halfpipe) really captured a grieving family. 

‘A toast for Japan,’ said Paul proudly over dinner as the family raised Strong’s in tribute.

A leaked message from the family’s WhatsApp confirms that Paul has already been in contact with a travel agent, a clear signal that the Dad of two is hellbent in securing a seventh trip to Japan in as many years for his family.

An Instagram story from daughter Cindy is set to come.

Girl Bored of Felons Goes On Exchange To Do Exactly What She Would Be Doing In Brisbane

In an attempt to ‘find [her]self’ (and the Italian love of her life), Mia, a recently single 20-year-old, has decided to voyage overseas to pay for lasagne in a different currency.

For someone who has never been on a boggo road gaol tour, this recent Contiki trip has included only slightly more sightseeing than drinking with her college bestie.

Although there were concerns the time zone difference may affect her activity on BeReal, The Obiter has been assured that a post has not yet been missed.

While the overseas trip is only for 6 weeks, the exchange couldn’t have come at a more convenient time as the 20-year-old was looking for more creative content to post on the socials amidst the winter deficit of bikini beach photos.

With the flock of private schoolers making waves in the EU, Queensland tourism has began stressing that Howard Smith Wharfs and the recent Asian laneway festival in the botanical gardens (tickets still available) may not be enough to hold these slays in Brisbane.

When in rome!

Lecturer Softens The Blow of Impossibly Difficult Exam Question By Using Various Sitcom Character Names

‘Hehe I’m so quirky!’ thought LAWS9001 lecturer David Harrington (34), after he finished writing a deeply perplexing 70% problem question starring ‘Sheldon Snooper’ as the main protagonist.

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David’s not like the rest of them. He’s young, hip, moderately attractive and this morning, he had coco pops for breakfast. He is, what some might call, a maverick.

Formerly a secondary school English teacher who use to let his classes watch Spicks And Specks on Friday’s, David is now the proud course-coordinator of LAWS9001: Introduction to Criminal Law, Specifically The Crime That I’m Being Accused Of Which We’ll Get To In Week 6.

After suffering a rather unflattering SECAT evaluation last semester, David felt the need to up his game.

Fearing the distribution of Allen’s Snakes for those that attempted to answer questions during class wasn’t going to be enough, David set out for the student’s final exam to write a problem question littered with all the kids’ favourite TV characters.

The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family and Phineas and Ferb were, of course, front of mind.

Unfortunately, those taking the exam quickly realised that David appeared to have spent a little too much time on the arc of his characters and not enough time making sure the question actually made any sense whatsoever.

Pity.

'Had A Straddie Trip Booked': UQ Administration Provides Compelling Defence Of 3-Day SWOTVAC

‘We also honestly couldn’t give a shit,’ advised Vice Deputy-Chancellor Professor Terry White, ‘just deal with it, ay’.

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It’s that time of semester. The bees are buzzing, the birds are chirping, and 82 hours worth of neglected lectures are desperately crying out for you to finally cast your eyes open them.

Amanda Brendale (21) is all too familiar with this reality.

The promise she made to herself at the start of the semester that this year ‘would be different’ has failed to come to fruition. Why is this you ask?

Perhaps it was the crushing reality that her edgy yet stoic barista wasn’t hopelessly in love with her (which became evident after he most recently asked: ‘same as usual, Erin?’), or maybe it was her recurring epiphany that she’d rather own a café at Surfers than sell her soul to some corporate behemoth. Who’s to know.

And if it wasn’t enough of an L season for Amanda, then yesterday’s realisation that the UQ administration had chopped this semester’s SWOTVAC in half really put the nail in the coffin.

In fairness to the humble suits who made the decision, the Airbnb down at Straddie that they’d booked for their end-of-sem-bender looked ‘pretty sick’ and didn’t offer refunds. So arms were tied if we’re being real.

When we reached out for further comment from the powers that be about this decision, they again reminded us why they get paid the big bucks: ‘Just study faster you flogs’.

Cheers.

Dad Tells Greens-Voting Daughter She Can Pay More Rent Now That She's Ruined The Economy

‘First you voted that Michael Berksman chump in, and now this! I’ve had it with you wokies!’ exclaimed Richard Wilson (52), frantically opening his CommBank account to check if he had any money left after the Green’s success in their once safe Liberal inner-western Brisbane seat.

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It’s been a tough week for Richard Wilson.

First, it was HR telling him that his aspiration of becoming a Partner at BHWE Lawyers was not to be for another year, then it was the realisation that his daughter had once again shared his Stan password with his ex-wife, and now this - a Greenie becoming their federal member in a seat that use to be held by upwards of a 20% margin by his beloved Liberals in years gone by.

‘How do you expect us to make it to Thredbo in the next three years now?!’ an exasperated Richard asked his daughter, Molly Nolan (21), chastising her for her part in the inevitable tanking of the economy.

Richard had found out how his daughter had voted last night after he’d seen a post on her insta story which read: ‘GREENSLAND WOO WOO!!! GREENSLIDE!! GO GET A REAL JOB HULIAN PIMMONDS LMAOO’.

Left fuming, Richard, who had worked day and night as a soulless corporate hack over the years to help fund Molly’s private school education, was left with no choice but to hike up his daughter’s rent.

‘That’ll teach her,’ he muttered under his breath, secretly hoping that this firm response to his daughter’s betrayal might also make her reconsider this whole bisexual lifestyle thing.

No more to come.

Report: Ex-Private School First-Year's Can't Decide Whose Mansion They Should Take Photos At For Pres

‘Guys SERIOUSLY I am literally having a panic attack over this!’ Sarah Margarine (19) exclaimed to her beloved group of Girls Grammar alum (‘18), fearing not even posting at prime time could save her latest DP from a sharp dip in likes if the right call wasn’t made.

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It’s that time of year: Mecca’s makeup application station is booked out and the spray tanned booths are fired up.

Sarah Margarine, like many, is stressing out about which over dry-cleaned Bec and Bridge number she’ll be hiring for the evening.

Most significantly, however, she’s barely keeping it together over which Queensland mansion will make the best backdrop in her new profile pic.

While her male classmates pretend they don’t care about their social media presence, she knows they’re bold faced liars - pick the the wrong mansion and their tinder profiles will go another year without any matches.

There are a few criteria that are objectively uncontroversial.

While homes below the river may be beautiful, Margarine hasn’t renewed her passport lately. Ascot is nice, but a little overdone. Anywhere near Rosalie and Margarine is at risk of drowning and (worst still) getting zero likes.

After much group chat deliberation, the matter was finalised: pres are to be held at Thomson Wyatt Sloan’s estate in Bardon.

Sarah isn’t a real fan of the joint or of Sloan (he may be hot, but he can’t make a charcuterie salami rose to save his life), but didn’t feel like going to war with the former TC and 3rd XV Terrace prop.

More first-world problems to come.

'We're All Set To Go!' Announces UQLS After Confirming Total of Two Bar Staff Hired For The Big Night

‘Gee, fair few people at this law ball thing,’ thought minimum wage worker, Simon Pints (18), as he carefully finished pouring a watered-down vodka lemonade to another disgruntled third-year.

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It truly is the night of nights - a perfect opportunity for university students from all walks of private school life to let down their hair, blow off some steam, and potentially run into their ex and have a cry - no, we’re not talking about your Aunt Mildred’s weeding reception, we’re talking about the annual law ball.

Cynics, however, have again argued that the event is bound to be an overpriced, overrated, overhyped and underperforming shambles of an affair.

Their concerns are wide-ranging: will mum take a photo of us at pre’s with our eyes open? Will the vego slider have gluten in it? Will the band play Untouched by the Veronicas? Will the floor be sticky??? Will the after-party seccy not let you in cos ‘you looked at [him] funny’? And most importantly, will the drinks line devolve into a rank mosh pit?

In spite of these concerns, we note that these same so-called ‘cynics’ have each caved in and bought a ticket for the spritely price of $125.

Nonetheless, we contacted the UQLS Exec for comment in respect of these issues, who advised us: ‘We want to reassure all law ball attendees that each and every inevitable fuck up is out of our control and never happened’.

Only time will tell whether a ‘Royal Affair’ will end up being a Royal cock up.

More to come.

Sight of Grotty Unwrapped Bar of Soap Left in Hotel Room Sink Suggests Google Reviews Was Probably Worth A Read

‘Mate, found this real deece looking place on Trivago for like 37 bucks a night!’ Ben Devere (22) had told his friend just three weeks prior, having done absolutely no research into what turned out to be an absolute shithole.

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It was just moments after entering the Grand Patel Hotel in Melbourne’s inner-west - located just a two minute walk from the local train station and a vast array of strip clubs - that Matthew Clare (21) came to the stark realisation that he’d just entered what he considered the dankest place on earth.

Having typically spent most of his holidays with Mum and Dad in, at the very least, 4-star establishments (with a buffet breakfast and wine list all too common a sight), this was a foreign landscape for the young aspiring lawyer.

So it came as quite a rude shock to Matt when the elderly Vietnamese manager of the Grand Patel, instead of guiding him to the onsite concierge, handed him a lamp and goggles, gestured towards the end of the dimly lit corridor, and whispered with a toothless grin: ‘good luck’.

The Grand Patel, which admittedly did smell a bit like the Aspley Retirement Village, had many more surprises in store for young Matt: the soap situation left him outraged, he was incensed at the itchy bedsheets, the cockroaches scampering across the floor caused raw fury, and the breakdown in the mechanics of the decaying elevator shaft simply left him defeated.

On reflection, Matt realised he probably shouldn’t have left complete oversight to his notoriously unreliable mate, Ben ‘Bluey’ Devere, in finding them a place to stay for the 4 nights - a quick search on google would’ve revealed that the Grand Patel was recently described as a ‘PLACE TO AVOID NEVER COME HERE’ by a recent vacationer.

Welcome to the real world, champ.

Bloke Desperate For A Root Spends Good Couple Of Minutes Studying Party's Invite List

‘8 mutuals on facey?? Surely I’m in with a chance here,’ thought Ron Brent (20) to himself, as he continued to carefully analyse the list of names that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s party - ‘Lily’s Easter Bash’.

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A self-described ‘Horndog’, Ronald Brent is a man with little to no shame.

Ever since being dumped by his high school sweetheart at age 19, he’s professed that he’s sick of being ‘the nice guy’. Now a guru of self-help and mindful-growth podcasts - with a plan to start his own one day - Ron, a man of great introspection, is a man on a mission.

What’s the mission, you ask? Get ‘hench’? Yes, of course. But of even more significance, Ron has an unwavering goal for this Saturday evening - get hookies at a minimum.

Having lived the ‘gym life’ for the past 6 months and currently rocking a mad ‘fresh cut’, Ron is, to be candid, bemused at his recent lack of success in this particular domain.

A source close to Ronald argued that this failing could be attributed to Ron being a ‘really boring cunt at a generous best’. When we put this allegation to Ronald for comment, he responded, ‘Nah man, that’s such negative vibes, I’m kinda of a deep thinker bro, haters just needa get on my level’.

Perhaps spurred on by these ‘negatives vibes’, Ron was spotted later that afternoon on the bus home from his shift at Grill’d deeply dissecting the list of those that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s ‘Easter Bash’ at Lily’s McSweeney’s.

We wish Ronald and his crypto chat-up lines the best of luck.

Divorced Dad Does His Bit For Ukraine By Heating Up An Aldi Chicken Kiev For Dinner Tonight

Following yesterday’s brave boycott of his weekly bottle of Smirnoff purchase, David Dohnson (42) – father of three and husband to none - has tonight again shown that he stands with the people of Ukraine, choosing to tuck his bachelor fingers into a two-minute meal of pure solidarity.

After weeks of water cooler talk about the turmoil in Eastern Europe, David Dohnson finally decided to take a stand. “I can’t stand idly by anymore, it just doesn’t sit right with me,” he said.

Bravely, David has chosen a chicken Kiev rather than his typical frozen pizza to eat in front of Friday night footy.

“It’s all about the message I’m sending my kids, about what is right and wrong.” Each crumb of delicious, cooked in four minutes chicken was a protest. Each fleck of cheese filled goodness spat out after another Ryan Papenhuyzen try sent a message directly to Putin. Each bite followed by a swig of Peroni Leggera gave the people of Ukraine hope.

David reached out to share his morality with his daughter Bella. She replied, “Thanks Dad, cool.”