‘Valentine’s Day is a Capitalist Commodification of Love,’ Says Unemployed Boyfriend With No Gift

‘Nah, I definitely didn’t just forget to get you chocolates, babe. And flowers just die anyway!’

 ‘You hate that cringy, romantic bullshit, right?’ he asked his girlfriend of three years, Annabelle Young (22).

Ben, who has been “looking for a law job” for six months, swiftly began his annual rant about Valentine’s Day being a ‘stupid Hallmark holiday’.

‘We’re not Americans!’ he exclaimed, switching the TV to another Super Bowl rerun. ‘What a waste of money. Anyway, should we order Uber Eats for dinner?’

 He went on to explain that it was a ‘bit ridiculous’ that Annabelle’s birthday, Christmas, his birthday, and Valentine’s Day were all within the same six months every year. ‘Couldn’t they have spread them out a little?’

 Insider sources have informed us that Ben still relies on Facebook to remind him of his girlfriend’s birthday.

 Annabelle has declined to comment.

Man Desperately Angling For Excuse To Drink At 9am On A Monday Is “Actually Pretty Into NFL”

Whether you’re looking forward to the highly anticipated ads, Rihanna’s half-time performance, or the game itself, the NFL’s Super Bowl is an event with a little something for everyone. However, for one young Brisbane professional, the highlight is something else entirely: a socially acceptable reason to crack open a beer at 9am on a Monday.

The primetime Sunday night slot in America means the big game kicks off early Monday morning in Australia, and that’s music to the ears of Drew Pearson (24). The young accountant has been hard at work reading ESPN.com and peppering the names of NFL players into conversations at work this week to pre-emptively justify the fact that he will arrive to Tuesday morning’s WIP meeting looking like he’s coming off a weekend in Bali with Michael Clarke.

Pearson, who has brought in a grand total of zero dollars of billable work in the two years he’s worked at Deloitte, even suggested that perhaps the firm should send him as a representative to a networking event (or, as he put it, “like, you know, a corporate thing or whatever”). The swiftness with which his boss rejected this blatant attempt to get drunk on the company card couldn’t deter Drew, who dutifully booked in his leave for Monday and put four Powerades and a Berocca in the work fridge for Tuesday.

Drew’s takes have so far included “yeah, Mahomes is pretty insane hey, and when he’s throwing to Tyreek Hill, look out,” and, “Eagles are good but, gonna be hard to stop Jaden Hurts.” His deep football knowledge will no doubt come in handy when he is absolutely legless at the Victory at 12:30pm.

“There Are Too Many Dating Shows” Says Boyfriend Who Literally Sees A New Marvel Movie Every Week

With the end of The Bachelor season and the beginning of MAFS all in the same week, law student John Carnegie (20) is concerned that the cycle of trashy reality dating shows is never ending.

“I mean the shows are all so fake,” says the young man whose favourite film concludes with a computer-generated robot shooting computer-generated lasers at a computer-generated alien in front of a green screen.

What’s baffling the critic the most is the quantity of dating shows.

“Literally they are turning everything into a dating show now,” said John whose favourite marvel superhero happens to be antman (A superhero that is an ant)

“Can’t believe they’re still making new episodes of this” he adds disgruntled, switching the channel to the 19th season of Survivor.

While reality TV is glueing his girlfriend to the couch at home, at least John still gets the chance to go to the movies every week to watch a new marvel movie. 

The ex-nerd is also hoping to steal some couch space for him and the boys to begin their 90 hour superhero universe movie marathon.

Law Student Entering 97th Week of Summer Holidays Just Feeling a Bit Worn Out

“Am I actually looking forward to going back to uni?” the incoming fifth year asked herself, as she dragged herself out of bed to the couch for the 300th day in a row. 

At first, Sophie Johnson had felt great about her idea to “do nothing” for the summer. Indeed, with no plans whatsoever, Johnson was behaving quite smugly towards her peers who were going straight into clerkships, then into full time paralegal work after Christmas. 

But by about December 10th, Johnson realised that taking time off work meant she couldn’t afford to actually enjoy the holidays. 

Now, as she reluctantly suffers through  more of season 5 of The Crown, Johnson is reportedly starting to feel like 97 weeks of doing nothing is taking a toll. Phineas and Ferb had made a long summer look so easy. 

“Thank god uni starts in a few weeks,” she thinks, “otherwise I’d be completely burnt out.”

Lexapro Found To Be Most Consumed Drug At Laneway Largely Due To Phoebe Bridgers Fans

Just yesterday, the Laneway Festival returned for its annual Brisbane leg at the Royal National Agricultural and Industrial Association of Queensland (RNA) Showgrounds. As if its built-in audience of 16-year-old festival virgins wasn’t enough, following its line-up announcement late last year, the one-day event was sure to be the EKKA for sad people and gay non-men.

Sets from girl in red, Julia Jacklin, Mallrat, HAIM, Joji, and Phoebe Bridgers were destined to imbue the atmosphere with vibes of pining, daddy issues, religious-trauma, lesbianism, and depression. Thankfully, if you weren’t getting all that from the music, inside sources report that similar feelings were stirred from the humid and soggy conditions inside those white tents. 

Special mention must go to Bridgers, who had Brisbane pharbz quaking in their platform, cowboy, and/or doc marten boots at seemingly the biggest event since the coming of Christ. Her set had girls named Demi, Chelsea, Georgia, and (as of recently) Emily inconsolably sobbing; unrelenting chants of “PAUL OR BO?! PAUL OR BO?!” added a unique timbre to the performance; and anyone with a healthy relationship with an older man was tazed on-site. One attendee even told Obiter reporters that she’d “been granted ‘sentimental leave’ from the psych ward so [she] could see Phoebe Bridgers live”.  Another, in what can only be described as a neurotic move, got on a plane straight after the festival to see her again in Sydney.

This evidence suggests that you didn’t need a sniffer dog to deduce that the drug-of-choice at 2023 Laneway was prescription escitalopram. Largely thanks to Bridgers’ presence, the Port-a-Loo Company covering the Festival had apparently been briefed on the potential for overdose-induced Lexaprolapses, but should things go truly awry, we at The Obiter suggest that the proclaimed ‘Bisexual Jesus' should lawyer-up. 

‘Aboriginals Get Everything For Free,’ Says Ex-Private School Boy That Works For His Dad

‘I just don’t believe in handouts,’ says Brenton Chatsworth (19), recently promoted to Sub-Executive-Vice-President-Of-Residential-Leasing at Place Ascot after mowing his dad’s lawn.

Last Thursday, despite celebrating like he did every year, Brenton was annoyed that Indigenous Australians were complaining about Australia day. 

‘I hear they get all these handouts and stuff,’ Brenton said while buying a slab of XXXX with his dad’s credit card, ‘Like why are they trying to wreck my public holiday, I work so hard.’ 

When asked about why he January 26th had to be Australia day he said, “Isn’t it like when the ANZACS died or some shit?”

Despite not making it past an Aussie nibbles reading level, Brenton is adamant about the importance of hard work and earning what you get, apparently. He explained that to get his job he ‘fully had to write a resume and everything man.’ 

He went on to explain, with poor pronunciation and punctuation, that life is hard and you have to work and the government shouldn’t help you out. Brenton seemed unaware that his elite Brisbane private school was heavily funded by the government. Brenton was firm that he earned his recent $10 000 raise and brand-new-totally-not-bullshit title, ‘Bro like we have a truly massive lawn.’ 

More to come.

Designs VP Zoe Rudge Runs For Secretary, Announces Plans To Turn UQLS Constitution Into Canva Presentation

If there’s one thing we learnt in 2022, it’s that Mean Girls references are not an effective way of advertising events.

After all, law ball isn’t on a Wednesday.

Those outside Zoe Rudge’s inner circle were therefore surprised by her policy announcement this afternoon.

‘I will resolve to amend the Constitution so that it’s pink and makes references to Mean Girls at least once every sentence!’ she told an impassioned crowd of supporters outside Forgan Smith.

But insiders at Team Rudge have reassured us that they’re confident she’ll be able to fulfil all her obligations as Secretary of the UQLS through style and colour.

‘General Members will never be happier when blindly voting yes to the minutes of the AGM being an accurate reflection of that meeting because at least the minutes are pretty’, one source told us.

No more to come.

Bible's PR Team Goes Into Overdrive To Transform Image From 'Hot Sports Jock' To 'Corporate Drone'

Bible’s communications director described the attempted rebrand of the current Social Sport Officer and Careers VP nominee as ‘the greatest challenge of [his] professional career’.

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Bible has thrown in the towel on his chad persona to take life more seriously. Like a fish out of water, Jake (who is now asking to be referred to as ‘Jacob’) Bible is trying to convince voters he’s got what it takes to be a career man.

The former Commonwealth Games hopeful has entered a new kind of race out of the pool, onto dry land and into law student politics.

‘Time to settle down. Start a family. Make a career,’ thought Bible.

With clear policy objectives such as ‘everyone should theoretically get a job’ and ‘being hot increases your employability’, he’s a shoe-in for Careers VP. 

He’s already preparing for clerkship interviews, each morning reciting his affirmations in the mirror: 

“My strengths are that I am a person” 

“I like working in teams because they are people too” 

‘Yes!,’ he thought to himself, ‘I’ve got what it takes to work at Clapton Smutz, or whatever it’s called’.

Bible is also smashing the glass ceiling, with the Careers portfolio having been female dominated for the past four years.

Good thing Jake knows a thing or two about being dominated by females. 

We wish Jake all the best in his retirement from professional swimming and keenly await the opening of his consulting firm.

OPINION: Emma Cooney MUST Change Surname To 'Cheerey' If She's To Become Diversity & Wellbeing VP

If Emma’s any chance of becoming VP of Diversity & Wellbeing, she must follow the lead of Cheer Cheese and do away with the four outdated letters in her last name.

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After a successful year as first-year officer, Emma Cooney has all the qualities of a great UQLS VP; friendly, competent and intelligent.

Though, one crucial thing is holding her back – her outdated last name.

Unlike a packet of Cheery cheddar, the last name Cooney has not aged well. It would be a PR nightmare for someone with that last name to be the face of diversity, a PR nightmare that the UQLS may not survive.

Who would be able to cheers ‘Cooney’ at Queer Beers? Who would be able to do other things at the other events that the Diversity and Wellbeing team definitely put on?

Thankfully, a little rebrand can go a long way.

There was a period of time where the ability to tuck into a big bag of shredded tasty cheese in the middle of the night was threatened, but Cheer Cheese was able to bounce back.

We think that Emma should follow suit and change her last name to Cheery post-haste. At the very least, we suggest that Emma changes her last name to Raccooney to give off a friendly and mischievous rather than problematic vibe.

No more to come.

'I'm Running For The UQLS Because I Want To Represent All 8 People That Came To Our Events This Year'

‘Once upon a time,’ remarked disgruntled fifth-year Jack Smith (23), ‘the UQLS was full of hot, fun, social nerds that knew how to throw a rave’. ‘Now…’ he lamented, ‘it’s just regular home brand nerds that run the show’.

Jack’s feedback comes after the UQLS suffered from poor attendance at many of its key events this year.

Students are all too familiar with ‘ticket sales extended’ posts cropping up on their Instagram stories up until 2 minutes before events like ‘first year laser tag/croquet/bingo night’.

It’s even rumoured that the UQLS started sharing its marketing department with the pigeons at Rugby Australia.

What are the solutions to this problem, you ask? Jack has suggested adding a ‘chad requirement’ to all UQLS positions, a proposal which Milton Brown (20), UQLS Administration Officer nominee, vehemently opposes.

‘The UQLS needs a strong voice for both people that attended Trivia Night,’ Milton said in a statement last night.

‘I will be that voice’.

Milton has since taken a 100-0 lead in the polls over his rival candidate, with some punters saying this is partly due to the lack of a rival candidate.

More to come.