Gov Announces They'll Save Great Barrier Reef As April Fools’ Prank

The Hon Tanya Plibersek MP, Minister for the Environment and Water, shocked many in Parliament House this morning, after introducing a bill proposing that the Australian Government actually do something about the Great Barrier Reef crisis.

“We’ve done nothing but sit on our asses for the past three decades,” she said, “the Great Barrier Reef is one of the seven natural wonders of the world, a World Heritage site, and the largest living structure on the planet. It’s time we did something beyond throwing pocket change at it.”

Ms Plibersek then said something about cutting carbon emissions, before bursting out in laughter.

“Happy April Fools’ Day!” yelled Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, inserting himself at the last minute to take credit for his female colleague’s hilarious prank.

“You guys are so gullible,” wheezed Albo, laughing so hard that tears streamed from his eyes, “We’re actually going to spend even more money on nuclear submarines!”

Albo then went on to explain that he loves AUKUS but despises orcas and wishes the ocean was as uninhabitable as possible.

It is alleged that some members of the Upper House are still laughing.

More coral bleaching to come.

Year 8 Debating Team Solves Russia Ukraine Conflict by Adopting An Economic/Social Split

“Huh, I never thought about it like that”, said Putin after hearing about the ingenious decision made by the St Blues 8.1 Team.

Forget about the ICCPR and United Nations General Assembly, Jamie Bollinger and Becky Carlton are the face of Peace following their captivating appearance as the Negative Team against St Reds on Friday night.

Jamie tackled the economic effects of Russia’s conflict. Notably, she proclaimed that “Putin really needs to think about what he’s spending his money on”.

This niche take saw his opponents gasp in horror, scrambling for a rebuttle point. Reports confirmed the second speaker for the affirmative was heard, whispering, “I didn’t see that argument coming”. Well, it seems the second speaker for the affirmative and Putin share something in common!

The air was potent with Jamie’s conviction even after the ring of the 3-minute bell, rung by Michael Palmer. Michael was benched by the Blues for this round following a horrific performance as 1st affirmative last week.

Second speaker, Becky really brought the split home with an indictment against Putin and the social impacts of the conflict upon “kids just like her”. Becky ended with yet another excellent use of a rhetorical device, directly appealing to the President of Russia himself asking, “How would you feel if someone destroyed your house?”.

Sources close to the President confirm that Putin had never, in fact, considered such a hypothetical. Our sources also confirmed that Putin never realised that points could be split along social/economic lines and believes it is a game changer for international relations.

More to come.

“You’d Make a Great Debater Mate,” Says Aunt Seeking Polite Way To Call Nephew A Dickhead

After enduring a fourth interjection in as many sentences from her 13-year-old nephew Kyle, local woman Michelle Stewart had had enough.

“Y’know, he’s always been on the quiet side so it’s good to see him grow up and come out of his shell a bit. But Jesus Christ he’s an annoying little prick now,” shared Michelle.

Reports say that the situation came to a head after she made the fatal mistake of referring to the monster in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein as ‘Frankenstein’. Kyle wasn’t going to let that slide, swiftly putting her in her place with an “um, actually, Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. You’re talking about Frankenstein’s monster.”

In the circumstances, her self-restraint was commendable.

“Slapping him was option one, would’ve had the desired effect, but I figured that was off the table. He’s probably still a couple years too young for me to just outright call him a dickhead, I’ll save that in case he’s still doing this shit when he’s 15. So I thought, what’s a group of people that are all arrogant nerds lacking in social skills? And obviously, I immediately thought of debaters.”

In the end, she settled on a pained, “Hahah, I guess you’re right champ. Hey, has anyone ever told you that you’d make a great debater?”

While the adults in the room read her loud and clear, it seems her backhanded ‘compliment’ only emboldened Kyle, who at the time of publication was heard insisting that his grandmother include tomatoes in the fruit salad, as they are technically a fruit.

“Point Of Information - We Were Technically On A Break,” Says Debater After Being Caught Cheating

Michael Winston (21) - PPE student and avid UQDS debater - used two points of substantive and two points of rebuttal to explain why it wasn’t wrong for him to cheat on his girlfriend of two years.

Ellie Delcor was gutted to find out her ‘loving’ boyfriend of two years had cheated on her with another woman. 

“How could you Michael, that is a terrible thing for a person to do,” she said.

“Ad hominem,” he retorted.

“The old you would have never done such a thing!” she sobbed. 

“Strawman,” he rebutted.

Ellie was silenced by Michael’s seemingly complete lack of empathy. 

“Good evening chairperson, ladies and gentlemen,” he said.

“Michael it’s just me here,” Ellie emphasised.

“I have two points of substantive,” he continued “First, we were on a break.”

The Obiter found out that Michael meant he had decided 20 minutes before the cheating occurred that they were on a break and had not discussed it with Ellie. 

“Second, I am polyamourous.” 

The Obiter discovered that he did not know the name of the other women he had slept with and had googled polyamoury while Ellie was confronting him. 

“You’re hopeless,” Ellie said, leaving their table at Sassafras of Paddington. 

Michael did not disagree with that point. 

No more to come. 

Boys Grammar Debating Coach Receives BMW As Christmas Bonus

PPE Student Quenting Albright was chuffed to be appointed as coach of the Boys Grammar 10.3s. 

“At first I was hoping to get a part time job at Avid Reader West End to meet women, but I couldn’t turn down the Grammar debating coach money.”

After the 10.3s finished runners up in the QDU final using speeches completely written by Quentin, the school rewarded his hard work with a brand new Lexus.

“I mean I really would’ve rather gotten an Audi, but at least it is a foreign,” said Quentin wankily

It has been reported that Quentin is making side money writing his team’s Modern History assignments for them.

“The old two-for-one-tutor-debating-coach baby!!!”

No more to come.

MAFS: Manifestly Incompatible Couples Hoodwinked For 9th Consecutive Season

Sure it’s bottom of the barrel content, but Australian audiences still tune in to acclaimed dramedy Married At First Sight, our sources confirm.

After a dinosaur cull on the experts panel, the show has taken a new direction by gaslighting viewers that the show is genuine in its premise and not a smokescreen for the launch of lucrative OnlyFans careers. With a 1% success rate, the experts are doing psychologists in the field proud.

Following a total condemnation of the Claire and Adam cheating scandal, they resiled from this position by introducing a couple swap to strengthen the couples’ bonds. This comes after the very productive ranking exercise, based on scholarly, peer-reviewed literature, and engineered to inform your partner that you find another participant sexy as fuck.

When surveyed further, our sources tell us that producers scoured every sweatshop nationwide for the reddest of flags. We can also exclusively reveal that Harrison caused 23% of female viewership to dip their toes in lesbianism. Purely from the experts’ conduct, it is safe to say the key to love is sabotaging your relationship from the very beginning.

More to come

Woman Channels St Patrick By Driving The Snakes Out Of Her Friendship Group

Sharon Thornton (28) came in hot to her friends Paddy’s day drinks at Finn McCool’s Fortitude Valley.

“Narelle is such a snake,” she said “I’m gonna confront her, it’s what St Patrick would have wanted.”

Sharon explained that she had recently been courting a man named Darryl, who she had met at the races two weeks ago. However, it had recently come to Sharon’s attention that her supposed friend, Narelle, had also been attempting to court Darryl, fully aware that Sharon had her eyes on him first.

The Obiter witnessed Sharon verbally confront Narelle.

“I know you’re trying to fuck Darryl, Narelle. You gronk bitch!” She yelled, throwing her yellow cider onto Narelle’s green shirt.

“Clarine is keen on him too” Narelle replied, barely audible over The Pogues playing in the background “She’s with him right now babes, you don’t own every bloke you see.”

Sources confirmed with The Obiter that Clarine was as that time on a date with Darryl at Irish Murphy’s.

“Well I don’t want to see either of your faces at book club ever again!” said Sharon.

“But next week we are talking about The Dry! I love Eric Bana.” Narelle responded woundedly.

“Fuck off.” Sharon finished, the rest of the girls standing with her in solidarity.

No more to come from Narelle nor Clarine.

“Haha Yeah I’m Actually Irish” Says 7th Generation Aussie At Gilhooleys

It is once again March 17, St Patrick’s Day! The river goes green in Chicago, the Guinness flows in Dublin, and the self-identifying Irish-Australians clock off work early to “Celebrate and important cultural holiday.”

Standing in line at Gilhooleys, The Obiter had the luck to overhear Owen McDonagh (22) try his chances with an Irish backpacker.

“Yeah so I’m actually Irish, the DNA test on Ancestry.com put me at 60% Irish, which basically makes me the same as you guys.” Perhaps in hope for a free drink from the intoxicated Commerce student, she let him keep talking.

“Conor McGregor! Paddy the Baddy! I’m a Catholic as well actually, I went to Terrace, you might have heard of it? Yeah, it’s the best Catholic School in Queensland.”

Owen then went on to explain to the young lady that he supports Irish owned businesses as he only buys XXXX from Dan Murphy’s.

“Wanna hear my Irish accent?” He bent over in a racist caricature of a drunken Irishman, slurring his words as he spoke, “top o da mornin to ye, fek da Protestants and up da Pope!”

The lass went quiet, leaving our brave hero confused.

“Kiss me I’m Irish? Nice shirt. Ye ever heard of a Belfast kiss?” she finally said. The trap was set. Owen leaned in, closing his eyes, unaware of his surroundings.

A pint of Guinness smashed over his head, sending him to the ground. He looked up at his attacker.

“Me pa was shot by the IRA ye bastard. Fek ya!”

She stormed off, her hair and loyalty both orange.

The ambulance pulling up outside indicates there is no more to come.

Opinion: It's Week 4 and Duo Mobile Authentication is Getting Really Fucking Old

“And I thought the Duo Lingo notifications were annoying”, thought the Arts / Law (majoring in Italian) student Josie Smith (20), digging her phone out of her bag for the 47th time today. 

After a month of trying to study without her phone close-by, Josie is fed up. 

“I’m trying to reduce my screentime for fuck’s sake” she explained “Do you know how hard it was to delete TikTok?”. 

Josie reported she has had to start seeing a physio due hand and wrist pain from pulling out her phone constantly. 

“My hand and wrist feel molto brutto,” she said, seemingly chuffed at her Italian skills, “At least those Duo Lingo notifications give me something.”

When asked whether she felt safer knowing her data was more secure, Josie got even more annoyed. 

“I’d actually rather be a victim of identity theft than have to input a 3 digit code one more time. Seriously, if Russian hackers want to do my LAWS4701 assignment, be my fucking guest.” 

More to come.

Man Chokes On International Women’s Day Donut After Mansplaining How Donuts Are Made

It’s International Women’s Day, and what better way to address the impacts of gendered oppression than inhaling some pink and purple donuts (prepared by women) at a firm-wide morning tea. 

At least, that’s what Roger Jones (41), a barely-competent associate responsible for organising the shitty event, thought. 

This #IWD, Jones felt like he had pulled out all the stops. He had reminded ‘the women of the office’ to bring homemade baked goods, and even printed off fun slogans like “Who Run the World?” from Word to pin up around the place. The only thing missing was female colleagues who felt respected and valued in the workplace. 

For days prior to the morning tea, Jones had been heard repeating things like “allyship feels good”, “I’m actually super comfortable in my masculinity”, and “when’s International Men’s Day though, hey boys???” 

It was comments like this that led ‘the women of the office’ to take particular delight in Jones choking on a donut after he mansplained to them how donuts are made.

Melissa White, a former MD turned lawyer, begrudgingly performed the Heimlich maneuver on Jones, which brought the hilarity to an end.  

Jones has so far declined to comment on the incident, but did tell a female Obiter reporter that he is currently single.

No more to come.