Devout Year 12 Terrace Student Not Too Worried About New Dean of TCB

The TC Beirne School of Law announced this morning that the next dean will be Professor Patrick Parkinson.

A family law expert, Professor Parkinson has stoked controversy in the past due to his opposition to Safe Schools, support for traditional concepts of marriage, and expression of concern over the 'secularization' of marriage.

While the appointment has worried students of diverse backgrounds about whether their chances of gaining entry to TC Beirne have been damaged. However, devout Christian Ged McArthur has told The Obiter he is confused about the widespread concern.

“I don’t know why anyone is worried,” pondered the Year 12 Terrace student, who hopes to study Law at UQ in 2019. “When I chat to evangelicals every Sunday after mass, I have not once felt victimised. What are all these kids going on about!?”

McArthur, whose Mum and Dad lunched with Professor Parkinson several times in Sydney during a Vote No Conference, said that the new Dean is apparently a really nice bloke. “I just can’t imagine him judging me or being unfair to me in any way,” the student who wears the rosary non-ironically told The Obiter when we met with him after his nightly rehearsal for The Passion of the Christ: The Musical!

While homosexual, bisexual and transgender students have expressed outrage at Professor Parkinson’s appointment, McArthur is truly baffled by the backlash. “All the boys at Terrace reckon he’s going to be super friendly! We were knocking about backstage at the weekly liturgy, chatting about sins, when one of the fellas said how excited he is to meet him. I totally agree!”

At press time, McArthur was setting a bush on fire near the Great Court in order to get in early and impress the new Dean.

World Record Shattered As Uni Student Refers to Donald Glover as ‘Woke’ 76 Times In One Week

In a shocking event, a local uni student has broken the world record for describing rapper Childish Gambino as ‘woke af’ for the 76th time this week, beating the valiant efforts of Pedestrian.tv and Buzzfeed.

“Wow! I might start getting into Atlanta now I reckon,” exclaimed Gus Roberts (22) to nobody in particular.

“This is Bino’s best work by far 🔥🔥🔥,” he commented for the third time this week on a Pitchfork article.

“I wonder what J Cole thinks of this,” he thinks, constantly.

Like many music listeners the world over, the vaguely political 22-year old Commerce/Arts student and occasional hip hop fan enjoyed Childish Gambino’s new track and associated music video unveiled last week, ‘This is America.’ But Roberts isn’t just your casual fan. In fact, the young man has made it his mission to praise the rapper/actor/writer/singer-songwriter as ‘woke’ at every possible turn.

A reliable source, who wished to remain anonymous, claims the Commerce/Arts student has visited the song’s Rap Genius page a startling fourteen times in the past two days alone, coming close to his personal best of 16 visits to J Cole’s 2014 hit “Wet Dreamz” – a track that has prompted many fire emojis from Roberts in various group chats over the years.

Guinness representative Ross McWhirter says the previous record of 16 was surpassed some time on Tuesday of last week, when Roberts made the incredible call to compare the end of the music video to the 2017 Jordan Peele horror film Get Out, before describing both the film and Glover’s allusion to it as ‘woke af.’ While he is yet to see the film, Roberts responded to this criticism with a jab at the streaming service Netflix, whom he labelled a “bunch of cheap dogs”. Roberts is yet to purchase a Netflix subscription.

The tireless fan says he is excited at the prospect of more music from Gambino, and also took the chance to decry critics of J. Cole’s new album KOD.

In our brief interview with Roberts, he made some intriguing comments. Most of all, toward the end of our interview, he gently sighed and whispered ‘…I don’t know, guys. I just get race. Maybe I’m 1/16th black or something!’

The Obiter will continue to monitor the story.

Cameron Smith Exiled From Queensland, Seeking Permanent Asylum In Victoria

In the wake of his shocking retirement from the XXXX Maroons, Cameron Smith has reportedly been exiled from Queensland, and is now in discussions with the Victorian Government to be granted refugee status and become a permanent Victorian.

On advice from the Premier and Cabinet, the Queensland Governor-General decided to formally exile Smith from Queensland, for ‘...betrayal to footy, betrayal to Queensland, and the strong chance of giving that grub James Maloney a series win.’ This move received bipartisan support in Queensland’s legislative assembly, and despite Smith’s plea that the decision was ‘objectively fucking ridiculous,’ he has since had his Queensland citizenship revoked.

The revoking of citizenship occurred through a complex procedure whereby all trace elements of XXXX Gold in Smith’s bloodstream are extracted, and his vocal chords altered so that he cannot say ‘Queenslander.’

Smith, with advice of legal counsel, is now aware he is an undocumented immigrant in Melbourne, and has taken immediate steps to request full Victorian citizenship from the Victorian government. As a Queenslander who has played for the Melbourne Storm since 2002, Smith is familiar with Melbourne, but will be forced to undergo the Victorian Citizenship Promise, and consider a switch to AFL, snobbily described as ‘the real footy.’

The Victorian Citizenship Promise consists of a range of declarations, ranging from ‘I will consume three coffees every day, and each time complain that the Melbourne coffee scene just wasn’t the same as it was in 2007,’ to ‘despite being a rugby league player, I vow to watch every single AFL and VFL match, and engage in sickening acts of violence against other fans.’ Implied elements of the promise include listening incessantly to Triple J, hating Sydney, and wearing black.

Punters think it likely for the Victorian government to grant citizenship to Smith. As he leaves his beloved Queensland behind in a storm of anguish and ‘but the Maroons, brah,’ our sources suggest he looks forward to new life as a Victorian.

The decision to retire was extremely controversial, with some complaining that he ‘isn’t playing till he’s 80… that’s fucken Queensland spirit! I have no teeth, grr.’

We’re sure you had your reasons, Cameron.

"Getting This Clerkship Is The Best Thing That Has Ever Happened To Me!" Says Man Who Will Be Divorced and Depressed by 29

Clerkship application season reached its epic conclusion today as the firms of Brisbane offered positions to a select range of law students.

One of those students was Aaron Houston. “You beauty!” Houston exclaimed after jumping off the phone with an HR representative of McArlington Adams Malterson Humphrey Deckart.

“Just scored a winter clerkship with McArlington Adams Malterson Humphrey Deckart,” Aaron told The Obiter.

“We know,” The Obiter replied. “That’s why we’re interviewing you.”

McArlington Adams Malterson Humphrey Deckart is one of Australia’s leading law firms, leading the industry in the areas of commercial, symmetrical and viable litigation.

“This is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Aaron opined, clearly unaware that he is a mere 7 years shy of a complete and irreversible mental breakdown borne out of unrelenting work expectations.

“McArlington Adams Malterson Humphrey Deckart fosters an inclusive community where being a balanced person is more important than performance,” continued Aaron, whose wife will take his three young children to her sister’s apartment at precisely 11:47pm 12 August 2025.

Aaron, who within 15 minutes of the call had updated his LinkedIn bio to “Summer Clerk-Elect”, remained confident that this was the first step in a long journey. True, but not as long of a journey as the bitter divorce he and his timid wife Michelle will endure due to his inability to leave the office before 10:30pm.

Despite the gruelling reputation of McArlington Adams Malterson Humphrey Deckart, Aaron is excited for 4-weeks of completely misrepresentative and misleading illusions of what firm life is like before being subjected to Grill’d-level wages and Me-too worthy harassment before a crescendo of stress and self-loathing causes him to collapse into a puddle of sad.

“This will be great!”

More to come from a disgruntled satirist who got too scared to apply for clerkships and is taking deflated sense of self out on those who actually did something productive.

Report: Love Hearts In Your Coffee Probably Doesn’t Mean Your Barista Is In Love With You

Despite being the visual representation of undying love and passion, a love heart in your coffee probably doesn’t mean the person who made it is hopelessly in love you - a lesson learnt this week by fourth-year student, Carrie Bryson (21).

The delicate pouring of milk to create stunning works of latte art has long been an important part of the coffee industry. One of the most common pieces of latte art is the humble love heart, its popularity largely due to its ease to make.

Yet despite the fact is is obviously easy to make, Carrie has been recently making the mistake of assuming the heart in her coffee is a confusingly subtle declaration of love and commitment.

Speaking with The Obiter after her third coffee of the day, Carrie suggested the situation was ‘...pretty bloody obvious. I mean, he might as well have got down on one knee and popped the big question! What else could that symbol possibly mean?’

When we suggested the symbol could just be a nice thing this certain barista puts in people’s coffee, Carrie scoffed, and reasserted her love for ‘...whatever his name is. We don’t need names - we have the sacred, romantic bond of barista and customer! Try and tear us apart, bitch.’

Hurt by the offensive word, we terminated the interview immediately.

Unfortunately for Carrie, later that day she gazed upon her friend Mark’s flat white, only to notice a love heart sitting in Mark’s coffee as well.

In a distressing blend of tears and anger, she stormed up to the barista, accusing him of being a ‘f**king two-timing ****.’ Revenge was promised in the form of getting coffee from another barista - a disgusting violation of the sacred bond.

Unlikely to be more to come, we’re still reeling a bit from being called ‘bitch.’

Collusion - Everyone’s Doing It!

‘Guys, if we all do it, we can’t get in trouble. They can’t punish a group of people!’ insisted 3rd-year student Craig, after suspiciously completing an online mid-semester quiz in 5 minutes of the allotted hour.

For Mr. Craig Tree (21), the alleged academic colluder, subtly cheating in small ways are just one of his many larrikinistic ways, learnt from his time at an elite Brisbane boarding school. He parks in the St. Lucia parking area for more than two hours, he uses the Merlo water glasses to score the 50c KeepCup discount - and more.

Despite the aforementioned acts of rebellion, Craig firmly believes nothing compares to the mid-semester thrill of collusion. As Craig shared with us, ‘...guys. You HAVE to collude.’

Apparently, nothing beats the feeling, the raw thrill, of being surrounded by your colleagues eagerly cheering you on in hushed voices as you attempt to complete a squiz, copying their answers, whilst simultaneously placing obscure multi bets on Far North Queensland dog races.

What’s more, in an unprecedented revelation, Mr. Tree has found a loophole in assessment rules which the TCB School of Law is completely unaware of.

According to Craig, this loophole is ‘... If everybody does it, then no-one can get caught. It’s in the University Constitution or something, you can’t fail a whole cohort for collusion.’

When The Obiter tried to reach Craig for further comment, he said he was busy, and had to run to an interview at a top-tier Brisbane law firm. We can’t confirm the position he is interviewing for, but we suspect it was a position created to shore up his family’s wealth and legacy - but the interview was ‘by no means secured through family connections.’

5 New DMA’S Songs That Still Aren’t As Good As Their ‘Believe’ Cover

Australian alternative artists DMA’S have released their second For Now. The track list is packed full of immersive indie tunes, none of which hold a damn candle to their 2016 cover of Cher’s pop hit ‘Believe.’

The Obiter takes a look at 5 tracks from the new offering, all of which are good without getting anywhere close to their amazing Like A Version.

1. For Now

The title track, this soothing lament of youth sets the tone for what’s to come. Not unlike how the bands’ cover of ‘Believe’ set the tone for what was to come - me listening to it on repeat for 2 weeks! It’s so good!

2. Dawning

This track showcases the band’s talent with guitar that builds. Just like in their cover of ‘Believe’ where they built a reputation for being my favourite guests on Like A Version. Who would’ve thought a pop song could so smoothly transition into an indie smash? I played it at my 21st three times! And everyone sung along! What a night. What a song.

3. In The Air

This is great example of a staple DMA’S track: well written, thoughtful, and not quite as good as ‘Believe’.

4. Do I Need You Know?

This track title poses a question, the answer being “what was that sorry? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my favourite song that I’m blasting. What is it? Oh it’s just the most heavenly fucking melody to ever emanate from Triple J’s goddamn airwaves. It’s like Ben and Liam had a sound baby, and that baby got kidnapped by Tom Tilley’s opinions and then that baby, upon being returned to Ben and Liam under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), released a vinyl EP - this is the closing track.”

5. Some other song that you’ll get 45 seconds into before you cheeky fingers, almost through muscle memory, crawl across your screen to play the ‘Believe’ cover just one more time.

This song was actually really good. Those 45 seconds were so promising, but just not as sure of a bet as the Cher tribute that rocks my eardrums on the daily.

Wow, DMA’S fans have lots to choose from with this latest offering! But also, no choice at all.

“Can You Proofread My Footnotes?” Asks Law Student Who Just Told You She Hasn’t Even Looked At The Assignment

In an exclusive interview, The Obiter sat down with that loud girl from the Law Library who, just seconds ago, said she hasn’t even had a chance to look at the 20% assignment due in one week.

THE OBITER: Loud girl from the Law Library who, just seconds ago, said she hasn’t even had a chance to look at the 20% assignment due in one week, thank you for speaking with us.

THAT LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: No problem! I probably shouldn’t chat for too long.

THE OBITER: Why’s that?

THAT LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: I just have to get started on that assignment due next week.

THE OBITER: Oh, the 20% one. Yeah should be fine.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Are you serious? When I first read it I was like “oh yeah this seems pretty straightforward.” But I’ve had a look into it and done some reading and I think there’s a lot more to it.

THE OBITER: Oh right. I mean it’s only 20% so shouldn’t be an issue.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Yeah but I’m fucked.

THE OBITER: You sound like you’ve had a look at it…

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: No, I’m seriously fucked.

THE OBITER: Yeah, I feel like you say this every time we have an…

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: No, like this time I am actually fucked. It took me like 2 and a half hours to get through a lecture the other day.

THE OBITER: I wouldn’t worry about…

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Yeah I’m really worried about it. I need to get 10.5/20 to have any chance at getting a 6 for the subject.

THE OBITER: Mate you’re laughing.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: No seriously it’s fucked. I emailed the course coordinator a few times to try get some clarity about the criteria sheet, which is just a fucking mess, but she hasn’t responded and it’s been like 45 minutes.

THE OBITER: Hey maybe keep it down I think the people at the next table are getting a bit annoyed.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Can you proofread my footnotes?

THE OBITER: I thought you hadn’t looked at it?

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Oh, I haven’t I just wanted to get the footnotes done so that I can spend next week getting it under the word count.

THE OBITER: So you’ve written it?

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Oh no I just like jotted out some basic ideas. I showed it to my partner at Malleys and she said it’s close to done, but close obviously means there’s a bit more to do on it and I’ve got a few readings to do between now and next week. And I’m also working a half day next Wednesday so that’s going to take a whole 4 hours out so I am just thinking of dropping out and copping the financial penalty. Like, it’s just not worth it, if this is the subject that brings the GPA under 6.5 I’d just regret not dropping it.

THE OBITER: I really…

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: I’m fucked.

THE OBITER: Yeah you said that.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: I just wish I’d done an easy degree. Like med or the defence force…

THE OBITER: Shut the fuck up. Like genuinely shut up. You have the crusiest fucking life, you work like one day a month, your GPA is higher than the number of books George RR Martin has finished, you are fucking fine! So shut up for one second. Yeah, so shut your fucking stupid mouths. Chatting bare fucking shit. Shut the fuck up, shut your fucking mouth. Oi rudeboy, shut up. One time yeah, chatting bare fucking shit. Shut up, man. Pussy, what?

That loud girl from the Law Library who, just seconds ago, said she hasn’t even had a chance to look at the 20% assignment due in one week resigns. ‘That’s How You Know You Messed Up’ by Nico & Vinz plays.

The Obiter dabs.

“They Know My Name At Merlo’s Now!” Thinks Second-Year Student Convinced He’s ‘Made It’

Started from the bottom, now we’re here.

That thought ran through the mind of second-year Commerce/Law student, Mark Wilson (20), as he ordered his cappucino at Merlo’s, and heard the barista utter those fateful, powerful words.

‘It’s Mark, right?’

With that simple recognition of his name, that simple recollection of a simple proper noun, that barista had made Mark’s day. Mark was now convinced that he had ‘made it.’ Rushing over to his friends, Mark couldn’t wait to share with them the good news. ‘They knew my name!! You see this coffee here - it was made by people who knew my name!’ The mild ambivalence of Mark’s friends did nothing to dull his runaway excitement.

‘They must serve, like, hundreds of thousands of customers per day. And they remembered me - me! Little Marky Wilson! Guys, I don’t mean to jinx it, but seriously. I think I’ve made it.’

As his friends started discussing other topics, Mark’s imagination ran wild. He wondered if he should start getting people to call him BMOC - short for ‘Big Man On Campus.’ Thinking that might be a little too obvious, he settled for an attempted nickname of ‘Big Mark.’ After all, he was a pretty big deal now - the folk at Merlo’s knew who he was, and they don’t dish that out to just anyone.

But Mark’s dreams were about to come crashing down around his ears. As he gazed upon his coffee cup, supposedly a symbol of triumph, he realised one devastating thing.

They had spelt his name ‘Marc.’

‘Fucking bullshit,’ he muttered, his friends no longer listening to him at all. ‘They’ll pay for this… oh, they’ll ALL pay.’

Intriguing. We’ll follow this story as it continues to develop.

Shocking! Scott Morrison Left The Budget On The School Bus And Now Has 20 Minutes To Hand It In

Drats!

In distressing scenes from Canberra, little Scotty Morrison of Class 3G (aka ‘the House of Representatives’) has left his 2018 Federal Budget on the school bus - and now only has twenty minutes to hand it in, or he’ll get a demerit!

When Scott woke up today, he was excited, with a big, wide grin on his face. Today was the day he would unveil what he’s been working so very hard on - his budget. He’d spent the last few nights dreaming of fiscal responsibility, tax cuts, and infrastructure spending.

Even after three cups of warm milk, he couldn’t get to bed till 11pm last night!

After eating his toast and orange juice, Lil’ ScoMo grabbed his backpack, and stuffed the budget inside, giggling as he did so. Today was going to be a great day! The sun was shining, the budget was done, and Mr. Turnbull was going to call him ‘champ’ in front of the whole class.

But in his excitement today, bounding off the Canberra Parliament bus shouting ‘jobs and growth!’ poor Scott has found himself in a pickle. He left all the budget on the bus!

Scott tried very, very hard to remember the budget, but there were so many big numbers and talking points. He can’t possibly remember it in time - he has to find it!

In 20 minutes, Scotty is due to give a big, big speech on the Budget. But will he make it in time? And will his acid reflux from the orange juice play up? Find out in one hour on The Obiter.