Chaos As Law Library Desk Spontaneously Combusts Under Sheer Mass of Biology Textbooks

The worst fears of several law students materialised on Monday when a library desk collapsed and exploded under the stress of what witnesses described as a “genuinely abhorrent amount,” of biology materials.

It is believed that Biology majors, Ross Hamilton (19), and Nick Shepard (22), were responsible for the catastrophic failure, which left six surrounding students hospitalised.

The Obiter understands that neither Hamilton nor Shepard were present at the time of the collapse, as both were comfortably engaged in a three hour lunch break at Merlo. There is no suspicion of foul play.

Concerned law students have come in their tens to condemn the incident, which some have described as an act of terrorism. “This is exactly why I wanted to get these jabronis out of the law library!” shouted second year Thomas Van Schmidt to a nodding crowd of like-minded students in the Moot Court.

“We need action! I didn’t work so hard at Grammar to get an OP1 just so I had to share a library with these cun- I mean, just to be shrouded in shrapnel from a collapsing desk!”

In aid of his cause, Schmidt has taken a retaliatory shit on the floor of the Level 4 Bathrooms - an act he has pledged to repeat daily until the University takes action against the desk thieves.

Godspeed Schmitty, godspeed.

UQ Exam News: ‘You May Be Charged With Misconduct, And Sentenced To Death’ Warns Overly-Enthusiastic Invigilator

For years at the University of Queensland, students sitting exams have been treated to the dulcet tones of invigilators: the kind retirees who ensure the safety and integrity of the examination process.

A classic warning of these invigilators is colloquially known as the ‘Misconduct Threat,’ whereby actions such as talking during the exam, using impermissible materials, or looking at another’s paper means ‘...you will be reported to your faculty, and may be charged with misconduct.’ Just a normal warning, isn’t it?

Today, that all changed. For those completing the end-semester examination for Contracts A, they were greeted with an overly-keen invigilator who, at the ripe old age of 86, told the room ‘...you may be charged with misconduct - and put to death.’

Drawing some confused looks from some of the students, the invigilator now identified as Marcus Gronson (ex-forensic accountant, lives in West End, seven grandkids) continued.

‘Misconduct has been going on for far too long. This room drips with the stench of misconduct. And the faculties are getting sick of it. I’m getting sick of it. This whole goddamn town is sick of it. So we’re taking new measures, extreme measures, deadly measures - the charge of misconduct will now formally carry the death penalty as its maximum sentence. And you can be damn sure your faculty will be seeking the maximum.’

What was initially mild concern from the students had soon grown to a strong sense of tension. Our reports from the room indicate no-one was freaking out, but it’s not like anyone was relaxed, either. It seems like there was a vague sense of anticipation; certainly accompanied by fear, but not dominated by that fear.

The invigilator was later discovered to have no employment at the University, in any way shape or form. Suspiciously, they have completely denied there even being a ‘Contracts A’ exam, and the charge of misconduct has been removed from the University rules & regulations.

Intrigue.

2010-2016 Churchie Old Boys Desperately Hoping Kalyn Ponga Picked For QLD So They Have Something Interesting To Say

If Newcastle Knights speedster Kalyn Ponga is picked to play for the Maroons in Origin II, he will have more than just the hopes of passionate Queensland rugby fans on his shoulders. He will be struggling under the weight of every Anglican Church Grammar School Old Boy, who have waited patiently years to be able to interject in a conversation, “...you know Kalyn Ponga? The Queensland winger? Held the bin open for him at lunch once.”

Ever since The Waterboy brought Ponga to the attention of football-obsessed Australians, Churchie students have been licking their lips at the prospect of repeatedly mentioning the fact Kalyn was a “BOC.” And whilst his meteoric rise to the North Queensland Cowboys, and now, the Knights, has been nothing short of extraordinary, his name remains just shy of enormous Australian fame.

But all that may change, with the stroke of a selector’s pen.

Old Boys, such as 2013’s Nick Kerringway-Harrington, himself a Second XV Rugby player and prefect, have had their Ponga anecdotes locked and loaded for some years now. As a deeply, deeply boring man, Kerringway-Harrington’s conversational efforts have been dry for the past few months.

But this burst of content could be exactly what he needs.

In an exclusive interview, Kerringway-Harrington (pick one last name, mate, bit greedy), has described the situation in which he’d be able to deploy his “conversational hydrogen bomb.”

“So I’m in a conversation… let’s say a group of people, let’s say six… and this chirpy bloke who knows Darren Lockyer’s dealer is holding the room - but then I drop it. Then I mention that Kalyn and I once shared a celebratory hug after defeating TGS. That’s when I leave the room a God.”

Nick’s delusion is matched only by his confidence that Ponga will be selected. Unfortunately, there appears to be no Plan B if he is not.

Difficult scenes.

It’s Holidays!

Finally! After week of study and exams, it’s finally the holidays!

Yep, as the author of this article who strategically took a few intensives and an Arts subject, I can wholeheartedly and unreservedly declare that it is, in fact, the holidays! Get ready to sleep in dickheads!

The Principal of UQ, that damn sexy legend, just texted me and said “Oi fuck knuckle- guess what? It’s the absolute fucking holidays you Maroon Dam!

This text can only serve as undeniable evidence that yes yes yes yes yes we are ALL on holidays.

My exams are done! That means yours are! Let’s go get an alcohol and eat a whole pizza!

Wow, holidays! I thought they’d never come ! It’s amazing how all the hard work pays off. Hmmmmm did someone say Noosa? Nope. Ah well, I did! It’s the fucking holidays you mango slurping naval officers!

Hahahahaha wow.

Great to be on holidays! Enjoy the break! And remember - no exams ! Haha

'28 Days Later' Sequel To Focus on Failure To File Notice of Intention To Defend

28 Days Later is getting another sequel! The horror saga will continue by telling the story of a defendant in a civil matter in Queensland forgetting to file a notice of intention to defend.

Under the Uniform Civil Procedure Rules 1999 (Qld), a defendant has 28 days to file a notice of their intention to defend. That's under rule 100 and something. The exam is tomorrow fuck me why I am writing an Obiter right now.

The film is set to be the most frightening in the franchise, with jump scares and default judgements.

Listen, this is really a one joke article and we respect you too much to flesh this out beyond what is really a dumb play on words for the kids doing civil tomorrow.

I genuinely haven't done enough civil study to add more jokes. I'm sorry.

People really just read the headline anyway. Some incel said that in UQ Politics Space 3.0 this week.

Good luck with exams. You deserve an Obiter that is better than this. We will work hard to ensure that you get it.

New Species of Tadpole Grows In Unwashed Reusable Coffee Cup

Spotted festering on a table outside Merlo’s, a new species of tadpole has been discovered in a local man’s reusable KeepCup.

Andy Morrison (22), a King’s College resident and, clearly, the saviour of the environment, has dedicated his last six months to singing the praises of the reusable coffee cup to anyone who will listen. But unfortunately, Andy himself has not been listening to the instructions that came with the KeepCup.

“Wash regularly with each use.”

Those five words have been criminally forgotten by Andy, and have led to a sickening combination of espresso and full-cream milk festering in small dregs at the bottom of his environmentally-conscious vessel. These dregs have, finally, given rise to a small colony of baby frogs, colloquially known as ‘tadpoles.’ Scientists have been hesitant to name these tadpoles, but they have been given the working title of Fuccingyucc fullcreemelk.

This disgusting little pocket of frog life is not the only thing to have developed at the bottom of Andy’s unwashed cup. Reportedly, some AIDs has grown, risking the infection of the tadpoles.

The proliferation of the AIDs virus amongst organisms growing in KeepCups is not altogether uncommon, but still cause for genuine concern amongst university students.

The incident has made S’well, Frank Green, and KeepCup users radically rethink their washing strategies, and whether the environment is really worth saving anyway.

Both Intellectual League Fans Furious That Origin Falls In SWOTVAC

Australia’s two intellectual rugby league fans are reportedly ‘...absolutely fuming!’ that Game I of State of Origin has fallen within SWOTVAC, leading to a dilemma that is experienced by remarkably few.

The Venn diagram of the SWOTVAC-obsessed intellectual and the Origin-obsessed league fan has, according to our research, crossed over literally five times in history, and only two present students find themselves in the middle of this Venn diagram; Toowoomba’s Melissa Harris (23), studying a Bachelor of Biomedical Science (Hons), and Brisbane’s own Damien Smyth (21), a Commerce/Law student.

Many suspect Damien follows rugby league solely to be a contrarian against his father, an investment banker, diehard Wallabies supporter, and known critic of ‘...the working class rugby football match,’ (known in most circles as ‘rugby fuckin’ league’).

Normally, young Australians like Melissa and Damien find themselves on an Origin night either with their family, screaming at a television, or with friends, screaming at a television, or in a fine gastropub, such as the Caxton Hotel, screaming at a television. But tonight, with Origin falling right in the middle of SWOTVAC, they are faced with a tragic decision, one that will spell doom for either their passion for rugby league, or their exam performance this coming week.

‘I’m honestly just fucking gobsmack-- sorry, rather shocked at the scheduling decision,’ said Melissa, her country Queensland roots almost escaping.

She continued. ‘It just shows a complete lack of respect from the NRL toward university students desperately studying to achieve straight 7s for their ninth semester in a row - it’s almost as if that’s not their target market!’

Damien, on the other hand, whilst peeved, seemed relatively unfazed. ‘Honestly, I think I’ll just yell at Dad about how the Wallabies suck, say I’m going to the Alderley Arms Hotel to watch the game with some battlers, and then sneak off to uni to nab a couple extra hours of study.’

When further questioned about the game, it became apparent Damien intended just to check the score and Facebook comments at its conclusion, so he could learn just enough to say things like ‘wow, Roberts’ speed through the ruck was something else,’ and ‘Cordner’s leadership left a lot to be desired in the dying minutes of the game.’

Ultimately, the intellectual rugby league fan is a small, but somewhat passionate breed. We are disappointed in the NRL for the sheer flaccidity of this scheduling decision.

Hitler & Mussolini Issue Press Release On Decision To Leave UQ Politics Society 3.0

In a move that has shocked international political analysts and second-year university students with passionate opinions and too much time on their hands, noted right-wing fascists, Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini, have decided to leave the Facebook group ‘UQ Politics Society 3.0’.

In a joint press release released by Facebook live video at 4pm today, the two former leaders stated that the choice was a difficult one, but one that was spurred by ‘...a genuinely shocking amount of bigotry, racism and anti-semitism,' being pedalled in the form of Facebook polls and arguments in comments sections of the group.

‘Yeah it was disappointing when the first and second versions of the UQPS went down, but the third iteration has just proved too much for me to handle - I can’t believe the level of hate some people are capable of,’ said literal Hitler.

When asked for his response to comments in the group such as ‘I support Nazi social policy’ and members calling people ‘...left wing middle class soy latte lovers’ and ‘Winnie the Jew,’ Mussolini shook his head, only able to utter a solemn ‘mamma mia,’ whilst feasting on spaghetti, red wine, and the bitter taste of a failed fascist state.

We were quite shocked by Hitler and Mussolini’s decision to leave, so we conducted some investigations of our owns. We found the group’s administrators have made some attempts to ban members and delete comments, but polls asking ‘Are more women choosing celibacy and lesbianism because men are less masculine?’ and comments stating ‘Please! No transgenders in my bathroom, thanks,’ simply proved just a ‘bit too much’ for der Fürher and the Il Duce.

‘We can only hope for a future where UQ students can discuss political issues without fear of being called ‘cucks’ or being asked for double-blind, peer-reviewed, ideologically-neutral, aggressively-cited studies backing up any opinion,’ the press release reads, ‘...but at the moment this feels like a pipe dream.’

Reports indicate that since leaving the group, both Hitler and Mussolini have been in discussions with Fox News about a potential morning chat show, in their more moderate segment. After all, some have argued Hitler was actually a left-wing socialist - what could bring more diversity to the Fox News lineup?

Sun-Drenched Teens Dust Off The Board And Bikinis Before Excitedly Enrolling In Summer Semester

What time is it? Summer Semester time!

Yep, it’s that time of year kids! Despite it being the first day of Swotvac and actually getting a bit cold, today is the day to start daydreaming about sunscreen and Blackboard – it’s summer semester enrolment time! Woo hoo!!

Dozens of sun-drenched tweens have sprinted out of the blue ocean today, ditching their surfboards and leaping onto My Si-net to start planning their summer!

You can almost smell it now – chlorine, pavlova and a 3000-word research essay on a topic of your choice! It’s hard to sit still knowing that a hot, wet summer of learning is just around the corner!

Is that Danny Zuko and Sandy Olsson and their chorus of friends, I hear? Singing, even? Oh yeah, their singing “Summer Nights”, a feel-good smash penned about the kids’ sunny exploits of spending their holidays in a feral library while their family chills out at Noosa! No Cornettos in the Law Library!

Summer of ’69? Yep, that checks out! As in, Summer of 69 hours spent referencing a casenote that you had to do instead of attending a week at your best mate’s apartment in Coolum.

A week drinking Corona at the beach: Cool…um? Several all-nighters diving deep into the nuances Immigration law policy? Coolest!

So don’t forget to order a new pair of boardies that you can wear in the comfort of the Level 3 void, kids! Uni days are drifting away and it’s time for the summer nights of giving drinks a miss and studying sports law governance!

Death Penalty Replaced With Johnathan Thurston ‘Kicking For Your Life’

For many years, the death penalty has existed across the world as a punishment reserved solely for the most heinous crimes.

But in a historic moment, on this day, every country has elected to abolish the death penalty - and replace it with Johnathan Thurston kicking for your life, in a Game 3 decider, from the sideline, points locked at 16-all.

The certainty of the death penalty has been deemed to harsh, but some countries were unwilling to abolish outright the murder of criminals. Hence, in a joint partnership between the United Nations and Nine’s Wide World of Sports, those sentenced to death will now have the option of Johnathan Thurston kicking for your life.

Over the years of Channel Nine rugby league commentary, esteemed professionals such as Paul Vautin, Phil Gould, and Ray Warren, have often commented that “...if you had to have anyone kicking for your life, I reckon it’d be JT.” This is typically referred to in the context of another kicker being technically more proficient, or having a superior goalkicking percentage - but when it comes down to it, with your life on the line, JT is the man.

In an ironic twist, Phil Gould was busted with 22kg of Ugandan ecstasy whilst attempting to travel through Thailand, and now will be the first criminal to have the option of Johnathan Thurston kicking for his life in a pressure situation.

Gould will, as a result, commentate the kick that will decide his life.

We love to see it.