'I'll Buy You A Drink Inside': Catholic Church Announces Compensation Plan For Victims Of Child Sex Abuse

In incredible scenes, the Catholic Church has announced its plan to compensate victims of systemic child sex abuse by buying them all "a drink when we get inside."

The Royal Commission into the institutionalised sex abuse of children in the Catholic Church has led to a range of sweeping reforms, both theological and political. However, many have continually called for the Church to institute a compensation plan for the victims of this horrific episode in the history of the Church.

They've gone and done it. In a move described as "groundbreaking," these victims will now be compensated by the purchasing of an alcoholic drink inside the club we're going to tonight.

Despite the victim’s pleas to just transfer to their bank accounts, the Church has insisted that this will be much easier for all parties involved. Even when the victims clearly provided their bank account and BSB, the Church waved this away, saying they'd "rather just shout you a drink, you stinge!"

When questioned about the scope of the compensation that will be available, Vatican spokesperson Geoffrey Crown has told Obiter that it will be “all good bro”. The Obiter sought further clarification about whether a cash transfer was considered, we were met with the simple response of "...chill bro, what, do you not even want the victims of horrific abuse to get a drink inside?"

Spokesman Geoffrey Crown continued. “We acknowledge we are in the wrong here, and just want to make it up to everyone we have hurt by our deliberate sheltering of known peodophiles.”

“We are more than happy buy everyone a schooner of mid-strength beer to make up for this silly old mess, just don’t go crazy on the spirits - we’re not made of money!” reports the spokesperson for the institution which is yet to file a tax return.

Unconfirmed sources have also indicated to Obiter that the Church’s parents may pay for its Uber account. Therefore, the Church seeking everyone to "pay us back for the Uber home" is pretty high and mighty, much like God.

More information as it comes.

‘Wowzas! No JT, No Cam Cronk, No Scotty Thurston!’ Says Friend Who Pays Attention To League Once A Year

All across Australia, casual rugby league fans are gearing up for the one time of year they pay any attention to the game, providing their hot takes and aggressive opinions to anyone who will listen.

However, some are slightly more informed than others.

Rob Bassingthwaite (23), a final-year Arts/Law student, who could name the entire Reds squad without blinking an eyelid, is telling anyone who will listen that ‘...the loss of Cammy Cronk will really make the ruck harder to operate. And think of the game management! Why will no-one think of the game management?’

Rob thinks of himself as a bit of a Renaissance man, dabbling in sports, the arts, politics, and culture with the fine precision of a well-educated gentleman.

But unfortunately, he surrounds himself with friends who know a thing or two about league - and they have been all too happy to describe him to The Obiter as ‘objectively, a fucking idiot.’

Sarah O’Reilly (22), a classmate of Rob’s, and a lifelong Queensland Maroons fan, has found herself very irked at Rob’s constant chirp about ‘Scott Thurston’ and ‘JT’s the man… how could they forget The Man?’

Speaking exclusively about her distress, Sarah indicated she was happy league was getting the recognition it deserved, but ‘...pretty peeved blokes like Rob are passing themselves off as experts. I think I genuinely heard him suggest Quade Cooper should be making his way into the Maroons forward pack - and that they should bring back Russell Crowe as coach.’

As soon as the 2018 Origin series is over, Rob will return to his humble ignorance. But for now, those in his immediate circle must suffer the insufferable.

Good luck.

PC Gone Mad! Dr. Seuss’ Masturbation Book “The Meat I Beat” Pulled From Primary School Shelves

Call a Royal Commission into the Political Correctness Police because they’ve well and truly gone mad! In shocking, disappointing, disgusting news coming out of primary schools today, the PC-government-bureaucratic clowns have decided to pull a classic piece of literature from the shelves of the schools, with some even plucking this iconic children’s book from the grubby fingers of Year 3 students.

Dr. Seuss’ wonderful, whimsical tale of masturbation, “The Meat I Beat,” was unceremoniously declared as ‘inappropriate’ and dumped from the Year 3 curriculum. We wonder if the government can even remember their childhood, with the fine Doctor Theodore Seuss encouraging us to masturbate, or are they all just robots?

Riddle me that, bureaucrat!

Or should I say, bureauCAT. Because you’re all a bunch of scaredy-cats, afraid for seven-year olds to learn something natural and beautiful from the pen of a 62-year old man with a penchant for rhyme.

In protest, The Obiter have elected to print the text of “The Meat I Beat” in full. If you’re with your kids, let them read this, as it was and should be an important cornerstone of youth education.

“It was a boring day,
All rain, no sun,
I had nothing to do,
No friends, no fun,

Then I thought of meat,
The meat I eat,
But then I thought, wait!
There’s meat I beat,

It’s good meat, nice meat,
Blue meat, red meat,
I will beat, I must beat,
The meat I beat,

I laid down on,
Our blue-ish rug,
And then I went,
To give it a tug,

I was very glad,
And not at all ashamed,
So I stood up,
And went on with my day,

It was very fun,
And like Darren Lehmann,
Was the coach of Australia,
I am the master of my semen.”

— Dr. Seuss

ABC Journalists Forced To Have A Daily Beer With The ‘Common Man’ Under New Guidelines

In response to criticisms that they are ‘out of touch,’ public broadcaster, the ABC, has implemented new company guidelines, making it mandatory for every employee to have a ‘beer with the common man’ each and every day.

For many years, the ABC has been one of the most respected and admired news organizations in this country, routinely breaking significant stories, and providing a valuable public service.

But in recent times, they have suffered accusations of being too ‘out of touch,’ too ‘inner-city liberal,’ and being ‘lefty cucks.’ Despite the fact these accusations pretty much only come from inner-city elite conservatives who are weirdly angry about welfare, many of the criticisms have stuck.

But in a bid to reform their image, Operation Honest Beer has begun.

Trendy inner-city bars are out, and local pubs are in. Staff from the ABC offices in Brisbane have been instructed to travel to the Stafford Tavern, the Runcorn Tavern, the Alderley Arms Hotel, the Ferny Grove Tavern, the Aspley Hotel, or the Jindalee Bar & Grill, to share a schooner of lager with ‘the common man.’

‘The common man’ has been identified as someone over the age of 40, who looks weary at the end of a long day, and is not dressed in a suit. The official guidelines state ‘...if you look at someone, and the first word that springs to your mind is “battler” - they’re a common man. Sit with them, buy them a XXXX Yellow, a Tooheys Very Dry, or whatever trash the commonfolk drink these days. Learn their story. Let it humble you.’

In a move that has confused many conservatives, the ritualistic shouting of beer by ABC employees will be taxpayer-funded. Not wanting to shit on the Aussie battler and the prospect of said battler receiving a free beer every day, LNP leader Malcolm Turnbull described the move as ‘...interesting. I myself like a beer. Not sure about the taxpayers paying for beers, but as a fan of the beer, a beer enthusiast, a slut for beer, then yes, this is quite possibly, certainly, a good move.’

This policy is likely leading to a ‘groundbreaking’ Four Corners report on the state of working-class Australia and their heinous addiction to alcohol. Confusingly, you’d think shouting someone a beer every day is a surefire way to encourage their addiction. But those lefty cucks at the ABC are so bloody out of touch!

Drink up, punters. And would you like a tobacco cigarette to wash down that lager beer?

Scientists Find The Numberplate ‘B00BS’ Aggressively Reduces Your Chance Of Interacting With Any

Researchers at the University of Brisbaneland (UoB) have announced today their results to an epic, government-funded, 10-year study examining the effect of lame numberplates on heterosexual males’ chances for getting any action.

They concluded that there is a direct inverse relationship with having any breast-connotation on your number plate and actually getting to touch, see, or even discuss breasts with attractive partners of the other gender. “Because it is super-duper lame” was the general sentiment by researchers.

“Essentially, you say breast, they say rest,” concluded Doctor Rosanne Smith, Chief Researcher, obviously very satisfied at her little rhyming statement.

“It’s a numberplate, not an upside-down calculator.”

The conclusion also applies to any breast-based puns or using numbers to replace letters, such as ‘B0085’, or ‘B zero zero eight five’, to use its Star Wars droid name equivalent.

General punters of the Brisbaneland community have expressed their dismay at this results. Obiter interviewed Michael Jeffries, 28-year-old business analyst with the numberplate ‘T1TT1EZ’.

“I mean, it’s real disappointing yeah, but I mean it makes sense. Closest I ever got to staring into the eye of a boob was one night out at ‘Dunder with some poor backpacker, but once we got to my car which I’d parked in the loading zone for an hour outside, she took one look at the numberplate and ran back inside.”

“I didn’t even know she could read the English!”

This is a sad day. However, some positive news comes out of the sister study which revealed that numberplates with the word ‘P00P’ are still, unequivocally, hilarious.

5 Lyrics You Missed In ‘This Is America.’

Childish Gambino blew us away with his revolutionary hit single, ‘This Is America,’ and its powerful music video. But as many punters have discovered in the weeks since its release, Gambino has woven a number of hidden lyrics and symbols into the song, which reveal themselves on multiple listens. To save you the time, we’ve compiled a list of the five freshest lyrics you probably missed in ‘This Is America.’

1. ‘America’

You were probably too caught up in the slick sound of the snare drum, or Gambino’s insane dance moves, to catch this one, but keen-eyed observers will note it came after the words ‘this is’ - hence, the name of the song! Got to wake up pretty early to catch that one, but huge props to you if you did.

2. ‘Don’t catch you’

Coming just before the famous lyric, ‘slippin’ up,’ this subtle phrase is likely a reference to 2002’s cinematic masterpiece, ‘Catch Me If You Can.’ Leonardo DiCaprio’s subtle portrayal of a charming young con artist bears remarkable similarity to the way Gambino subtly portrays the disgusting epidemic of gun violence in America in the clip. But in the sense that ‘Catch Me If You Can’ was a light movie with a positive ending, the use of ‘don’t catch you’ in this song indicates the dark state of the US political climate.

3. ‘This is’

Whilst this lyric might not bear the symbolic weight of others, it gives important context to number 1, ‘America.’ In isolation, Gambino simply singing ‘America’ would sound pretty weird - and it’s probably what you heard the first time you listened! But actually, he is singing ‘this is’ before ‘America,’ suggesting that the current state of things is, indeed, America. Remember, he is suggesting this is America, not this isn’t America. An important distinction that many have missed.

4. ‘We just’

Coming in a breathy, subtle whisper before the lyric ‘wanna party’ is this important piece of activist lyricism you probably missed. By expressing that he and others just wanna party, Gambino is making himself part of a collective group - an important element of the song, aligning with his contention that black bodies in the US have been collectively subject to oppression and violence for millennia. Without ‘we just,’ the listener is simply left with the question ‘wanna party?’ And whilst the answer is obviously yes, it doesn’t give the necessary insight that the full lyric ably does.

5. ‘This is America’

The most subtle of all, this one is barely heard throughout the track, and there is no indication otherwise that you might have heard it. Unfortunately, we’re not sure what it means. We’ll leave that one to the dorks who over-analyze, while we drink a beer and have fun! Go Gambino!

“Bring Back The Biff!” Says Brain-Damaged Uncle Who Struggles To Remember His Own Name Sometimes

In the wake of a weekend of football dominated by bone-crushing tackles and fistfights, a greta number of middle-aged men have begun to recall ‘the glory days,’ an era where ‘givin’ another bloke a broken cheekbone was just our way of saying g’day cobber.’

One such man is local student Isaac Kennedy’s (22) genuinely brain-damaged uncle - Greg Kennedy.

Far from Isaac’s leafy Hamilton upbringing, Greg repeatedly claims he was brought up in a true working-class household, dominated by ‘footy, beer, and just boys being boys… none of this soft shit we see today.’

However, as Isaac realises everytime he sees Greg forget his own name, spontaneously drop his dinner plate, or struggle to do basic addition, there were some tough side effects to Greg’s history of playing rugby league every weekend and always ‘looking to biff on with another tough c***.’

Despite the fact he sometimes forgets how to shave and just stares into the bathroom mirror for a few minutes before someone helps him, Greg relentlessly believes the biff should be brought back with a vengeance.

In a slow and sometimes painful interview with The Obiter, Greg expressed a desire to see ‘...the softies today punch on for once. Let’s see how little James Maloney does with a couple big fists to the… um, what’s the thing that sits on your neck…. um. Your, your bread? Your head? Your head! Yeah, couple punches to the head, that’s just being a bloke.’

Greg was thus very excited to see the brutal fight on Saturday night between Melbourne Storm centre, Curtis Scott, and Manly’s Dylan Walker. Watching the TV, he screamed with joy, and then cited the oft-used phrase, ‘fucken’ bullshit aye’ when Scott was sent off for the match.

An intriguing slice of life. Probably not much more to come.

TCB Staff Ban Students From Level 4 Toilets After Tiring Of Their Wild Orgies Being Interrupted

On Tuesday morning, students studying on Level 4 of the Walter Harrison Law Library found themselves deprived of a bathroom after a small printed notice, tied to a Wet Floor sign, read that the facilities were for ‘Staff and Disabled Use Only’ and that students were to use the alternative Level 2 and 3 options when relieving themselves of ramen and Mother.

The TC Beirne School of Law released a statement on their website to explain the new restriction.

“The life of an academic can be stressful,” the statement read. “Between one lecture each week and not reading our T-Vals, it can be hard to find any time to relax.

“That’s why, at least once a fortnight, the staff of TCB like to gather as a group, unwind and hold a massive orgy in the Level 4 bathrooms. The orgies are a great way for us to take 4-5 hours to come together as an academic community and just go absolutely freaking berserk on each other.

“This last semester, staff have frequently had our passionate rodeos of intellect and skin interrupted by students. As a school, TCB has an open-door policy, hence why we never lock the door during our bonk sessions. But students have abused our generosity by using these bathrooms and disturbing our ecstasy of lust with their loud screams of “HOLY FUCK!” and “WHAT THE SHIT?”

“We spend our day teaching, so it is only appropriate that we spend our nights learning. Learning about pleasure. Learning about sense. Learning about each other, and in turn ourselves.

To summarise, if any grubby little Arts students ever steps another sandal into our fortnightly lick lectures we will burn this fucking Library to the ground. We are mammals and this Level 4 bathroom is our Discovery Channel. We will not be disturbed during our physical Contact Hours again.”

Students are reportedly relocating their orgies to the Moot Court.

Banning Your Weird Dad From Speaking At Your 21st Now Referred To As “Pulling A Markle”

21st birthday parties are momentous occasions in the lives of gentrified young people. A night of reflection, celebration and button-up shirts awaits those brave enough to host the fabled event.

However, 21sts are almost always improved when the host follows one simple, yet oft-cited, rule: if your Dad is the weirdest fucking bloke in the world, don’t get him to do a speech.

This might seem easy. After all, if your Dad is indeed the strangest unit to walk this blue planet, you probably would be aware of it by the ripe old age of 21. Yet, despite the ease of adherence to this creed, many young adults fail to place the recommended embargo on their father’s absolute-batshit anecdotes about your Falls Creek ski trip in 2002.

The recent Royal Wedding saga has reinvigorated dialogue about the 21st amendment. Meghan Markle’s father has toyed with the world by equivocating on whether he will attend his daughter’s wedding this week.

In the end, Mr Markle decided to abstain from the ceremony. Markle is reportedly devastated by the development. However, a strict reading of the sacred rule of 21sts suggests that the Princess-Erect should be nothing shy of thrilled at the outcome.

One does not have to be an expert analyst to reach the conclusion that Mr Markle is on odd rocker. His dalliances with paparazzi and inconsistent health issues indicate that dude comfortably sits in the category of Dad referred to as “just a bit fucking off.”

Meghan Markle has avoided disaster by her Dad’s exclusion. If he were to attend the wedding, there is little stopping him from spontaneously taking the microphone and drawing out an extended attempt at a parable comparing his daughter’s journey to adulthood with his pool filter.

Markle has dodged a bullet, that bullet being the lunacy of her dingbat doof-daddy of a parent. Those holding 21sts in the future have already placed greater weight on the possibility of “pulling a Markle” and keeping their Dad the hell away from their special night.

The 5 Stages Of Grief At The New Arctic Monkeys Album Being Terrible

English rock group, Arctic Monkeys, have come under fire for their new album, with a great number of fans and critics expressing their grief and disappointments at its lack of quality. The album, ‘Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino,’ has received divisive reactions for its rejection of traditional musical concepts, such as recognisable melodies, understandable lyrics, and being actually enjoyable to listen to.

Generally, reactions have fallen in line with the five stages of grief. To help you identify what stage of grief you are at, we’ve put together this handy list of the five stages of grief you may experience upon realising Alex Turner is not the sexy genius we once thought he was.

1. Denial

Many fans are unfortunately trapped in denial, claiming the new album is ‘...their best work ever! Who actually likes songs which you can sing along to, or relate to… I’m all about abstract space-indie music.’ Psychologists fear many will be stuck in this stage, but it is recommended to move forward if you ever want to reach the ultimate conclusion that the album honestly just sucks.

2. Anger

The life of the party - anger! Being upset and angry at the Sheffield quartet’s abject failure to make good music is an important part of the healing process. Put on ‘Do I Wanna Know?’ and ‘R U Mine?’ and just go out and punch the nearest thing you see - it’s healthy to be angry. Unleash yourselves!

3. Bargaining

Far from the type of bargains you can pick up at Aldi, bargaining is the reaction wherein one attempts to argue ‘...yeah, I know it might not be their best work - but it’s a fascinating step forward, and there are at least a couple good songs!’ It’s not a fascinating step forward. There are no good songs. Get it together, mate.

4. Depression

The night is always darkest right before the dawn, and this will be your low point. You’ll cry over ‘Mardy Bum’ and ‘Piledriver Waltz,’ fondly remembering the days when Arctic Monkeys were enjoyable. But as gruelling as it may be, get through this stage, because next we have…

5. Acceptance

It’s just not very good.