Croatia-Bound Second Year Excited To Experience The Overseas Wonder of Being Fucked On Pills

Wonder. Wander. One der.

The term takes many shapes, many paths. Second year student Sophie Adrack is excited to explore all of them as she packs her bags for the immersive cultural experience of yacht week in Croatia.

“Brisbane is home, but home can be a prison of our own making,” Sophie told The Obiter as she slyly spun a globe beneath her pinkie, the world’s treasures rotating with her very touch.

“I’m ready to experience Europe. I’m ready to experience Croatia. I’m ready to experience double-dropping MDMA caps at 9:45am on a boat.”

Sophie knows travel isn’t for the faint of heart, which is why she has been snorting lines of Mandy off her iPhone every Saturday this semester in an effort to avoid culture shock.

“Hanging out with the people I went to school with and doing pills is going to be a real deep dive into an exotic Croatian way of life. When we do pills now, it’s rarely on a boat!”

Sophie hopes that she will come away from the experience with a newfound sense of self.

“I might find other drugs I like. Croatia is going to be an eye opening adventure. And mainly because I’ll be too fried to close my eyes!”

We wish Sophie well on her trip.

Snapchat Share Price Skyrockets As UQ Students Let Their Friends Know They Are ‘Ugh, Still Studying’

Business analysts who closely follow the New York Stock Exchange have flagged an astounding increase in the share price of tech giant, Snapchat.

While the big-dick, cocaine-addicted stockbrokers and the Warren Buffets of the world have expressed bewilderment at the phenomenon, The Obiter's research indicates the price surge directly correlates with the University of Queensland exam period.

Why?

It’s simple: it is absolutely crucial that UQ students let their friends know the hardship of still having exams in the last week.

The Obiter’s internal business and finance department discussed our hypothesis with a number of UQ undergrads and staff over the past few weeks and have found 100% of those surveyed agree with us.

“I would never be able to get 7s in my last few exams if I didn’t have a social media outlet to share pictures of my MacBook Air, my unopened textbook, a cup of green tea and a glass house candle carefully laid out on my desk” commented a third year business student.

Further, a UQ science professor admitted to us that “It’s almost depressing how obvious it is when a student sits to write an exam in the second half of exam block without having posted a snap story captioned ‘feels when you still have exams.’ It is really heartbreaking to have to fail the unlucky few who miss this crucial element of study.”

Earlier this year, a tweet by Kylie Jenner asking if anyone still used snapchat resulted in a loss of $1.5 billion in market value for the social media platform.

Whilst SWOTVAC brought a welcome reprieve in the app’s utilisation and corresponding market value, there is no doubt that Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel is relieved to take the benefit of students needing to complain about having their UQ finals in the later weeks. Although he legit married Miranda Kerr (yeah, the All Hallows’ girl!) so honestly this dude can cop a bit of hardship.

This photo was captioned "Ugh, study in the last week. Literally kill me."

It remains to be seen whether this share value can be maintained once exams finish this weekend, although reports indicate photos of jugs at the Red Room captioned “post-exam feels” should maintain the trend in the short term. Boomerangs of drinking a shot through a straw, also at the Red Room, have strong scope to cause a similar share price increase for Instagram.

The Obiter business and finance team is awaiting further data from Instagram about a similar exam-time increase in “Exams though? Yes/No” polls on Instagram stories.

We suspect most will answer “Yes.” What is this, the same-sex marriage plebiscite?

You’re Done, Donald! First-Year Student Writes An Essay Describing Trump As ‘Dangerous’

Looks like it might be the beginning of the end for Loser-in-Chief Donald Trump! A bold young first-year student, at the forefront of political commentary, has just walked out of his POLS1301 exam triumphant after writing a three-page essay on the ‘dangers of an unhinged Commander-in-Chief.’

Surely, it will now be mere days until we see the resignation of the 45th President. There is truly nothing more shameful than being called out by the sharp, incisive wit of James Barker (19).

Responding to the examination question of “Using a modern issue, apply contemporary theories of political analysis to provide a synthesised conclusion on the future of a certain political entity,” Barker undertook an aggressive approach, describing the (incompetent) President as ‘a failure of government,’ a ‘bully,’ and even drew an analogy between Trump and Hitler.

Sounds like someone’s ready for the big leagues!

It takes a heck of a lot of nerve and tenacity to write an essay critical of the Don, and it looks like it just might earn James his first 7. Trump, on the other hand, should be earning a 6 - six years in jail, that is!

BuzzFeed has reportedly requested a copy of the essay, looking to run another story on the “Resistance.” Robert Mueller, when reached for comment, simply responded he was focusing on the investigation into potential crimes, rather than the political musings of a 19-year-old.

Way to be boring, Rob!

‘It Can’t Be The World Game If We’re Not Good At It,’ Says One-Eyed Australian Sports Fan

Despite the fact the game is played by literally millions worldwide, a diehard Australian sports fan continues to deny soccer is the ‘world game,’ pointing instead to cricket, swimming, tennis, or any sport Australia has been remotely successful in.

For Michael Parsons (24), the FIFA World Cup is always a difficult time, as he endures hearing soccer constantly referred to as ‘the world game.’

He conveniently ignores the fact that 46% of the global population (billions of people) watched the 2014 World Cup, and that the game has become extremely popular in areas where more traditional Western sports, such as cricket or rugby, have floundered and/or died a slow, slow death.

At the end of the day, if Australia aren’t good at it, and Australia is the best sporting nation in the world, then soccer surely cannot be ‘the world game.’

Whenever Parsons raises this issue amongst his friends, their reactions range from apathetic to exasperated.

‘He does this every four years,’ griped Greg Yates (22), a friend of Parsons from youth. ‘It’s like he takes the world game label as a genuine insult - does he think they’re directing it specifically toward him?’

Eerily, Parsons isn’t even particularly passionate about any of the sports he cites as the true ‘world game.’ The bulk of his sporting attention is swallowed by the NBA, the NRL, and the horses. But nevertheless, for the man who has ‘GFP - Genuine Fucking Patriot’ on his LinkedIn bio, it is extremely important to him that soccer is not recognised as the global sport it, if we’re being honest, is.

All the best to the Soccyroos at the World Cup - kick goals, take names, and just enjoy yourselves. You’re certainly not there to win.

Law And Technology Student Prays To Shrine Of Elon Musk And Listens To ‘The Social Network’ Soundtrack

As the Law & Technology exam fast approaches, keen students have begun preparing their shrines to Musk, Gates, and Zuckerberg, whilst pumping nothing but The Social Network and Stranger Things soundtracks as they get ready to talk robots.

Whilst a fascinating subject, no-one at The Obiter studies Law & Technology, so we’re somewhat flying blind here.

But nevertheless, get those cybernetic hands ready to do some writing, students!

After the midsemester assignment required students to build a robot, teach it Isaac Asimov’s Three Laws, from the Will Smith film I, Robot, and then force it to break those laws in a murderous spree, punters believe the final examination will be a more traditional, problem-style question.

But there will still be scope for technological intrigue during the final - Apple Watches have been programmed to come alive during the exam, blare Lee Harding’s Wasabi, and commit massive tax fraud. What a fascinating intersection of the law, and technology!

With the exam in a few days, Netflix viewings of Terminator 2: Judgment Day have been steadily increasing, along with anxiety over passing the final exam and the impending destruction of humanity at the hands of angry cyber-creatures - some of which will be present in the Law & Tech exam as invigilators.

Whilst subjects like Corporate Law, Civil Procedure, and Criminal Law, are well and truly in our wheelhouse, we have genuinely no clue what happens in Law & Tech. We are also too proud to ask. But dare I say, this article is a pretty good guess.

And to the students still studying, be like Patrick Parkinson’s opening weeks as Dean of the Law School: keep your head down, work hard, and don’t draw any extra attention to yourself.

ASIC Considers New Director’s Duty: Don’t Sexually Harass Women

The Australian Securities and Investments Commission have today considered a controversial amendment to the Corporations Act 2001, which would add to an already-exhaustive list of director’s duty.

The new duty, which has been proposed to be inserted as s588FZ in the Act, would require directors to resist from sexually harassing women. The proposal to add this duty as s69 was widely rejected as ‘not really understanding the point of this law.’

In the wake of the #MeToo movement, and a broader cultural shift toward respecting women, ASIC has continually come under fire for failing to legislate requirements which would encourage directors to not abuse their positions of power for sexual gratification.

The ASIC response of ‘what harrassment?’ has tragically been revealed to be a bit ridiculous in the Weinstein, CK, and Spacey era - way to ruin the fun for the rest of us, boys!

Many notable directors have made submissions to the federal agency, arguing they are already under enough duties, and it would be ‘dog as all fuck to add another duty the night before the Corporate exam - think of the students, ASIC!’

In response to the above submissions, ASIC have agreed to postpone adding the amendment until after the exam.

Wait, it’s tomorrow? The exam’s tomorrow?

We need to sleep!

Spending Last $2 On Sausage Sizzle When You Owe Someone A Coffee: Breaching s588G of the Corporations Act?

It came to our attention today that Sarah Burnhardt (22), a fourth-year Commerce/Law student with $2.00 in her bank account and $2.50 in coinage, decided to purchase a sausage on bread (with onion). This is despite the fact she owed a debt of One Soy Flat White, Two Sugars ($4.50), to her friend, Tom Johnson.

After conferencing with our team of skilled legal minds, we have grown concerned that Sarah may have contravened s588G of the Corporations Act 2001 - the duty to prevent insolvent trading.

Much like the poem Invictus suggests one is the master of their own fate, and the captain of their own soul, we have concluded Sarah was the director of her own wallet (or ‘coin purse,’ as she wishes it to be called). The Act thus places Sarah under a duty to prevent insolvent trading. With a debt of $4.50 at 11am today, Sarah effectively had $0.00, which keen-eyed legal eagles will note is just 1 cent shy of being insolvent.

But with the purchase of the $2 sausage, it seems Sarah’s duty has been cruelly violated by the twin evils of a Coles pork sausage, and Hi-Fibre, Lo-GI white bread.

The Act states clearly that Sarah commits an offence if she incurs a debt, and becomes insolvent by incurring said debt. There is no provision for sausage debt specifically, leading our legal team to become a little confused.

But by referring to the Sausage Act 1987, and the Sizzle Act 2001, we have concluded that young Sarah has ultimately breached s588G, leaving her without a leg to stand on, and leaving Tom without a coffee.

Similarly, we have been left without much of a clue, as we only thought through this joke to this point.

We don’t even study Corporate, we just poked our nose into Sarah’s affairs. Does contravening s588G mean the death penalty, or a slap on the wrist? Again, we genuinely don’t know.

The one thing we know for sure, however, is that any price greater than $2 for a sausage on bread is daylight robbery. Like, don’t be getting greedy, UQ Breakdance Club, just take the $2 and be grateful for what you’re given.

Writing Full Student Number, Not The One With The S, Most Difficult Part of Management Exam

Business Management students at UQ were warned of a difficult final exam, however few expected the challenge to leap off the very first page of the test.

Students, some whose total study hours had hit double figures, were immediately and unreservedly baffled by a question they complained “we weren’t at all prepared for.”

The exam opened with a bang. Students were asked to write their student number. However, the requested information was not the number with the “s” at the start with which students were familiar.

“Ah fuck, they want the long one,” business undergraduate Kelly Lacy muttered under her short, sharp breaths. “I don’t know that last digit.”

Many students have compared the elusive final digit to the second verse of Advance Australia Fair or their single uncle’s sexuality: they just don’t know it.

Even students like Lacy, who attended some of the tutorials, said that while topics like “what is management?” and “management: what is it?” were covered in depth, at no time did the course dissect the theory and practice of students’ individual student numbers.

“I had a third year’s notes for this subject from a while back and nowhere in those 7 pages did it mention anything about my student number,” bemoaned Lacy, after walking out of the exam to try her luck at a deferral.

“It’s bullshit. How am I meant to know the number, who am I Robert Langdon?”

At press time, it was revealed that Ms Lacy was in fact Robert Langdon, who had donned a cunning disguise in an attempt to solve the mystery of the enigmatic digit.

Well played, Rob.

High Court Ruling: You HAVE To Watch ‘Parks & Rec’

The High Court today handed down its highly anticipated judgement regarding one of the more vexing issues of the modern era.

The case of Lachie v All Of His Mates has received unprecedented attention as it moved its way up through the state courts, ultimately coming to its final appeal before the full bench of the High Court.

Lachie entered the legal and political fray early this year when he admitted to his friends that he had “never seen an episode of Parks & Rec.” Representatives for the plaintiffs responded swiftly. “What the fuck mate? It’s the best. It’s actually so funny dude!”

Legal action ensued, and the High Court has unanimously ruled that Lachie needs to “stop being a fucking goose” and “just smash through it.”

The nation’s highest court left no doubt as to the resolution of this issue, stating “you have just got to watch Parks & Rec. You haaaaaaaaaaave to. Like, legitimately. We are the High Court. It’s the actual law.”

“It’s so fucking good dude,” Chief Justice Kiefel wrote in her judgement. “So funny.”

Lachie’s legal team predominantly based their defence on the fact that “there’s like 16 seasons mate, I’m only just getting through The Office.”

The High Court, however, did not believe that the argument held merit. “You’ll get the memes mate,” Justice Keane write. “Is it a banger? Haha. So funny… Zing!”

The High Court similarly rejected Lachie’s submission that it’s too hard to find.

“It’s on Stan, you turkey!” an uncharacteristically agitated Justice Gordon bemoaned. “All 21 seasons! I’ll give you my log in, just seriously watch it. So funny.”

Lachie has been given 2 swotvacs to watch the 33 seasons before being held in contempt of court.

It’s so funny.

Pictured: the view from the bench in 'Lachie's Case.'

Pete Davidson Giving A Depressing Amount Of Hope To Sleep-Deprived, Sarcastic Sadboys

The tragic romantic hopes of twenty-something, sleep-deprived, sarcastically ‘funny’ sadboys were given a massive boost this week as news broke of comedian Pete Davidson’s engagement to pop star Ariana Grande.

This has been a slight disappointment to many who are concerned about the unbridled arrogance of the “sadboy”, because what self-obsessed egotists needed was further belief they could obtain the affections of any woman they wanted.

In many respects, Davidson’s engagement was a great win for comedy nerds, but a tough, gritty loss for those who have to deal with them.

Several weeks ago, it came to light that Davidson and Grande had begun a relationship, after both had split from long-term partners, Cazzie David and Mac Miller, respectively.

The interests of comedy sadboys were piqued at this time, as they identified a kindred spirit in Davidson, a 24-year old with a cool demeanour, oft-cynical style, and a deadpan nature that have brought him much success in comedy.

The subsequent engagement of Grande and Davidson is obviously a huge victory for love and their eternal commitment to one another, but doubles as the boost in hope that the sadboys have been looking for. Second only to the news that Elon Musk and Grimes have shacked up together, this news has firmed their belief that every woman is attainable, and that their life should be conducted in accordance with that belief.

At the end of the day, all the best to the happily engaged couple - from your friends, The Obiter.