“He Gave Me Pneumonia, Sir!” Portugese Player Takes A World-First ‘Medical Dive’

The 2018 FIFA World Cup continues to surprise at every turn, with skilled play, breathtaking upsets, and VAR controversy dominating headlines. As with every World Cup, the practice of diving remains a controversy.

But in an astounding first, Portugese player Raphael Carlvarinho-Ledesma has taken a ‘medical dive’ - the act of claiming an opposition player has given you an infectious disease, ailment, or virus of some variety.

Long believed to be impossible, the medical dive arose at the 88th minute in last night’s match between Portugal and Uruguay. With scores locked at 0-0 (electrifying!), Uruguayan defender Guillermo von Lichtenstein breathed a little heavily near Raphael. 

With a gasp, Raphael plunged to the ground, and began breaking out in sweating, and a fever, all the while screaming ‘Pneumonia! Pneumonia, sir!’ to ensure the match officials would be in no doubt whatsoever which illness he was given.

Like a child (let’s call him Andy) staying home from school because today is the day where everyone has agreed to ‘run away from Andy at lunch,’ the Portugese midfielder desperately appealed to the referee, pointing to his fluid-filled air sacs and difficulty in breathing.

Yet the referee refused to issue a card.

Raphael was left sweating on the ground, facing the very real likelihood he would have to stand up and play on the game, all the while continuing to exhibit pneumonia symptoms. Coughing up blood, anyone?

But then the VAR called a halt to the game.

With ultra-sharp camera technology, they were able to isolate the bacterial particles travelling from the Uruguayan defender, and determine there was a strong chance of the pneumonia virus, and thus, entitle the referee to award a red card.

We urge all players not to take a ‘medical dive.’ And at the end of the day, did you ever really enjoy faking sick, and lying to your parents? I didn’t think so.

‘Excellent Time Management Skills’ Proudly Displayed On Résumé Submitted 10 Minutes Before Deadline

The inboxes of firms around the city are being flooded with the hopes and dreams of aspiring young professionals competing for their big break in the corporate world. In a bid to create a competitive edge, Nathan Moss (22) has exercised a little bit of creative license while polishing up his CV.

‘Yeah look, I was playing fast and loose with a few of the terms in there,' Nathan, or sometimes 'Nath,' has told The Obiter.

‘Extensive experience in the Microsoft Office Suite is a bit of a stretch, I’m alright at Word. God help me if they ask me to touch Excel’.

As Mr Moss’ application slid into the inboxes of Human Resources departments all down Eagle Street there was collective amusement at the irony of some of the bold claims.

‘Dedicated to his studies?’ scoffed Tanya Maxwell (People & Culture). ‘He has barely scraped a 5 since his second year.’

The Obiter caught up with one of Mossy’s mates to discuss the rest of his résumé over a beer.

‘Resilient and adaptable? You’ve got to be kidding, I reckon he leaves the group chat any time one of us brings up his strike rate on the pull.’ Laughs Jonesy [sic], who has also been questionably listed as Nathan’s former manager despite the two of them still studying together.

‘Yea- yea alright, it doesn’t look great I know. Might have to just rely on my white male privilege to get me across the line.’

We wish Nathan all the best. But shit, Jonesy seemed like a bit of a prat.

Opinion: Donald Trump Is NOT MY President, Because I Live In Australia

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not I should write this article.

I respect democracy. I believe the democratic process is central to freedom and liberty, and people should be ruled by those whom they have chosen.

By and large, even if I find a political leader disagreeable, I can at least find it within myself to respect the system which put said leader in that place of leadership.

But I have to take I stand. I have to say it.

Donald Trump is NOT MY President. He will NOT RULE over me. I do NOT RESPECT his power over me.

Because he is in America, and I am in Australia. He is NOT, and will NEVER EVER BE, my President.

In all honesty, I don’t think I will ever believe someone is MY PRESIDENT.

Someone might be my Prime Minister. In fact, that someone very well might be a charming gentleman by the name of Malcolm Turnbull. He is MY Prime Minister.

But Donald Trump is not my President.

I don’t care who knows it.

The resistance begins here.

‘Sorry Bro, I’ve Booked This Room’ Says Smug, Piece-of-Shit Coward

The atmosphere in an already stressful Law Library private study room has been amplified, after a passive aggressive exchange between a smug, self-serving wanker, and a humble student, just trying her best.

Final year Law student, Emily Barker (22), was already under the pump for this afternoon’s Law & Technology exam when a cocky-looking, blonde, olive-skinned, second-year BAFE student sauntered up to the glass of room W419.

Despite being on ‘holiday mode’ for the past week, Ms Barker was a long way from Hastings Street as she grappled with almost twelve weeks of content mere hours from her last exam.

The room bore more resemblance to the last days of Hitler in the bunker than a study space, with reams of paper strewn across the desk and over the floor. Emily was at her wits end, as she made eye contact with a smirking face through the glass.

With a sigh, under her breath she whispered ‘Oh fuck me, here we go again,’ as his hand reached for the door handle.

As the door swung ope,  Emily had time to take in every detail of this smug supreme, dressed in a 2016 Senior jersey, and reeking of ego.

Then out came the words she’d been anticipating.

‘Haha, sorry bro. I’ve actually booked this room.’

Caught somewhere between implosion and explosion, Emily pursed her lips and nodded, beginning to clean up the warzone surrounding her.

‘Looks like you’re pretty busy with exams, champ! Haha,’ he continued.

The Obiter caught up with Ms Barker outside room W419 for an interview.

‘I really don’t have time for this,’ she said, racing to an exam.

Another failure for our interview team. No more to come.

Victorian Police Advocate For ‘Stop, Drop, and Roll’ As Rape Prevention Strategy

The Victorian Police Force recently came under criticism for their responses to systemic violence against women, and in particular, sexual violence.

In response to these criticisms, Chief Commissioner Graham Ashton has released a bold new technique for the prevention of sexual violence, encouraging women to ‘stop, drop, and roll’ if they are under attack.

‘We felt that, ultimately, a rapist is no different from a fire, and thus should be treated with the same strategy,’ said Ashton, possibly revealing his lack of awareness regarding the issue of sexual violence.

‘At the end of the day, no one can be touched if they continue to roll. Rolling out of danger has long been taught at the Victorian Police Academy as a strategy to avoid violent criminals, and we now offer that incisive knowledge to the public at large.’

Ignoring the greater societal reckoning with the relationship between toxic masculinity and violence against women, the Victorian Police Force has also requested women minimize the time they spend on the street, for fear of being attacked by a stranger, but also limit the time they spend at home, for fear of intimate partner violence.

Reckoning with this Gordian knot, it seems the police have truly decided to double down on the stop, drop, and roll strategy.

Job well done, boys!

Croatia-Bound Second Year Excited To Experience The Overseas Wonder of Being Fucked On Pills

Wonder. Wander. One der.

The term takes many shapes, many paths. Second year student Sophie Adrack is excited to explore all of them as she packs her bags for the immersive cultural experience of yacht week in Croatia.

“Brisbane is home, but home can be a prison of our own making,” Sophie told The Obiter as she slyly spun a globe beneath her pinkie, the world’s treasures rotating with her very touch.

“I’m ready to experience Europe. I’m ready to experience Croatia. I’m ready to experience double-dropping MDMA caps at 9:45am on a boat.”

Sophie knows travel isn’t for the faint of heart, which is why she has been snorting lines of Mandy off her iPhone every Saturday this semester in an effort to avoid culture shock.

“Hanging out with the people I went to school with and doing pills is going to be a real deep dive into an exotic Croatian way of life. When we do pills now, it’s rarely on a boat!”

Sophie hopes that she will come away from the experience with a newfound sense of self.

“I might find other drugs I like. Croatia is going to be an eye opening adventure. And mainly because I’ll be too fried to close my eyes!”

We wish Sophie well on her trip.

Snapchat Share Price Skyrockets As UQ Students Let Their Friends Know They Are ‘Ugh, Still Studying’

Business analysts who closely follow the New York Stock Exchange have flagged an astounding increase in the share price of tech giant, Snapchat.

While the big-dick, cocaine-addicted stockbrokers and the Warren Buffets of the world have expressed bewilderment at the phenomenon, The Obiter's research indicates the price surge directly correlates with the University of Queensland exam period.

Why?

It’s simple: it is absolutely crucial that UQ students let their friends know the hardship of still having exams in the last week.

The Obiter’s internal business and finance department discussed our hypothesis with a number of UQ undergrads and staff over the past few weeks and have found 100% of those surveyed agree with us.

“I would never be able to get 7s in my last few exams if I didn’t have a social media outlet to share pictures of my MacBook Air, my unopened textbook, a cup of green tea and a glass house candle carefully laid out on my desk” commented a third year business student.

Further, a UQ science professor admitted to us that “It’s almost depressing how obvious it is when a student sits to write an exam in the second half of exam block without having posted a snap story captioned ‘feels when you still have exams.’ It is really heartbreaking to have to fail the unlucky few who miss this crucial element of study.”

Earlier this year, a tweet by Kylie Jenner asking if anyone still used snapchat resulted in a loss of $1.5 billion in market value for the social media platform.

Whilst SWOTVAC brought a welcome reprieve in the app’s utilisation and corresponding market value, there is no doubt that Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel is relieved to take the benefit of students needing to complain about having their UQ finals in the later weeks. Although he legit married Miranda Kerr (yeah, the All Hallows’ girl!) so honestly this dude can cop a bit of hardship.

This photo was captioned "Ugh, study in the last week. Literally kill me."

It remains to be seen whether this share value can be maintained once exams finish this weekend, although reports indicate photos of jugs at the Red Room captioned “post-exam feels” should maintain the trend in the short term. Boomerangs of drinking a shot through a straw, also at the Red Room, have strong scope to cause a similar share price increase for Instagram.

The Obiter business and finance team is awaiting further data from Instagram about a similar exam-time increase in “Exams though? Yes/No” polls on Instagram stories.

We suspect most will answer “Yes.” What is this, the same-sex marriage plebiscite?

You’re Done, Donald! First-Year Student Writes An Essay Describing Trump As ‘Dangerous’

Looks like it might be the beginning of the end for Loser-in-Chief Donald Trump! A bold young first-year student, at the forefront of political commentary, has just walked out of his POLS1301 exam triumphant after writing a three-page essay on the ‘dangers of an unhinged Commander-in-Chief.’

Surely, it will now be mere days until we see the resignation of the 45th President. There is truly nothing more shameful than being called out by the sharp, incisive wit of James Barker (19).

Responding to the examination question of “Using a modern issue, apply contemporary theories of political analysis to provide a synthesised conclusion on the future of a certain political entity,” Barker undertook an aggressive approach, describing the (incompetent) President as ‘a failure of government,’ a ‘bully,’ and even drew an analogy between Trump and Hitler.

Sounds like someone’s ready for the big leagues!

It takes a heck of a lot of nerve and tenacity to write an essay critical of the Don, and it looks like it just might earn James his first 7. Trump, on the other hand, should be earning a 6 - six years in jail, that is!

BuzzFeed has reportedly requested a copy of the essay, looking to run another story on the “Resistance.” Robert Mueller, when reached for comment, simply responded he was focusing on the investigation into potential crimes, rather than the political musings of a 19-year-old.

Way to be boring, Rob!

‘It Can’t Be The World Game If We’re Not Good At It,’ Says One-Eyed Australian Sports Fan

Despite the fact the game is played by literally millions worldwide, a diehard Australian sports fan continues to deny soccer is the ‘world game,’ pointing instead to cricket, swimming, tennis, or any sport Australia has been remotely successful in.

For Michael Parsons (24), the FIFA World Cup is always a difficult time, as he endures hearing soccer constantly referred to as ‘the world game.’

He conveniently ignores the fact that 46% of the global population (billions of people) watched the 2014 World Cup, and that the game has become extremely popular in areas where more traditional Western sports, such as cricket or rugby, have floundered and/or died a slow, slow death.

At the end of the day, if Australia aren’t good at it, and Australia is the best sporting nation in the world, then soccer surely cannot be ‘the world game.’

Whenever Parsons raises this issue amongst his friends, their reactions range from apathetic to exasperated.

‘He does this every four years,’ griped Greg Yates (22), a friend of Parsons from youth. ‘It’s like he takes the world game label as a genuine insult - does he think they’re directing it specifically toward him?’

Eerily, Parsons isn’t even particularly passionate about any of the sports he cites as the true ‘world game.’ The bulk of his sporting attention is swallowed by the NBA, the NRL, and the horses. But nevertheless, for the man who has ‘GFP - Genuine Fucking Patriot’ on his LinkedIn bio, it is extremely important to him that soccer is not recognised as the global sport it, if we’re being honest, is.

All the best to the Soccyroos at the World Cup - kick goals, take names, and just enjoy yourselves. You’re certainly not there to win.

Law And Technology Student Prays To Shrine Of Elon Musk And Listens To ‘The Social Network’ Soundtrack

As the Law & Technology exam fast approaches, keen students have begun preparing their shrines to Musk, Gates, and Zuckerberg, whilst pumping nothing but The Social Network and Stranger Things soundtracks as they get ready to talk robots.

Whilst a fascinating subject, no-one at The Obiter studies Law & Technology, so we’re somewhat flying blind here.

But nevertheless, get those cybernetic hands ready to do some writing, students!

After the midsemester assignment required students to build a robot, teach it Isaac Asimov’s Three Laws, from the Will Smith film I, Robot, and then force it to break those laws in a murderous spree, punters believe the final examination will be a more traditional, problem-style question.

But there will still be scope for technological intrigue during the final - Apple Watches have been programmed to come alive during the exam, blare Lee Harding’s Wasabi, and commit massive tax fraud. What a fascinating intersection of the law, and technology!

With the exam in a few days, Netflix viewings of Terminator 2: Judgment Day have been steadily increasing, along with anxiety over passing the final exam and the impending destruction of humanity at the hands of angry cyber-creatures - some of which will be present in the Law & Tech exam as invigilators.

Whilst subjects like Corporate Law, Civil Procedure, and Criminal Law, are well and truly in our wheelhouse, we have genuinely no clue what happens in Law & Tech. We are also too proud to ask. But dare I say, this article is a pretty good guess.

And to the students still studying, be like Patrick Parkinson’s opening weeks as Dean of the Law School: keep your head down, work hard, and don’t draw any extra attention to yourself.