Ice Remains Firmly Intact Following First Tutorial

UQ Economics tutor Robbie Murray has suffered through a painful first day at the office, as his ECON1010 class remained a frigid dustbowl despite his best efforts to conduct icebreaker activities.

With incredibly naïve optimism, Murray began the 10am tute by asking for a volunteer to stand up and announce their name, degree, and what they did on the holidays. After an uncomfortably long silence, Murray kicked off the exercise himself with a somewhat overprepared account of his various hikes in the Scenic Rim area over the summer.

It was only at this point that Murray began to panic, proceeding to ask a series of increasingly irrelevant questions to nobody in particular, concluding with, ‘so what’s everyone’s favourite emoji?’

Now in a fugue state, he answered his own question with the depressing statement, ‘the poo one,’ broke down in a heap, and mercifully dismissed the class early at 10:20am.

The fourth year Economics/Law student picked up the part time gig ‘for a bit of coin and maybe some clout with the faculty,’ but is already questioning his decision mere days into the semester.

The young academic says he began to lose his mettle when he noticed a first year put his AirPods in midway through his lengthy description of Mount Barney National Park.

‘I have absolutely no authority and these kids can smell it,’ Murray said in an exclusive, perhaps sensual interview with The Obiter.

While there are unlikely to be any friendships formed amongst the students in Murray’s tutorial group, he remains hopeful that he can steer them through the challenges of Playconomics.

We wish him the best. No more to come.

AIDs Is Cured! I’d Better Tell The Bully Who Said He Got It From My Profile Picture

The world wakes today a rare helping of incredible, great news: HIV has been reportedly completely cured in a second patient, a giant milestone in the AIDs epidemic.

For those suffering from the disease, this is life-changing news. Which is why I must waste no time in informing the local bully that his days are not as numbered as he once thought!

You see, several nights ago it occurred to me that I had not changed my Facebook profile picture for many months.

‘Time for a change,’ I whispered, smiling as I uploaded what I described at that time as a ‘certified ‘like’ magnet.’ I thought it was my best yet: fun smile, pressed linen button-up, a Jason Mraz inspired hat. I looked very smart and nice. Mum said I looked ‘cute,’ but I think that may have been pushing it a bit.

So you can imagine my shock when I learned that not only had the profile picture failed to impress some people - it had grave flow on effects that I truly didn’t see coming in a million years!

You see, reader, it was mere minutes after the upload that Eddy, the big mean school bully from school, commented on the new picture.

‘Fucking hell,’ he wrote, the profanity masking the devastating blow which was to come.

‘This picture just gave me AIDs.’

Now I’ll admit it here and now. I haven’t always been the biggest fan of Eddy, the big mean school bully from school. He was mean, and often double-dacked in front of the entire quadrangle. Talk about a tough Monday! One second it’s handball and Maxibons, next second all of upper primary are receiving a bountiful visual serving of my doodle!

However, despite my misgivings, I never intended for Eddy to contract an acquired immunodeficiency disease from observing my photograph.

Here I was, trying to put my best foot forward. But instead of pleasing the masses, i accidentally interfered with a colleague’s ability to fight infections. That’s high school for you!

I never knew my picture could anger Eddy’s blood cells to start attacking themselves more in a more brutal manner than Eddy attacked me behind the cricket nets last week. What a kerfuffle!

I was overjoyed to hear that there is hope in the fight against AIDS, as it mean I won’t be responsible for killing the local bully!

A big relief is putting it mildly.

Thank you to the doctors and researchers who made saving Ed from this disease possible! You’re heroes. In the meantime, I learned a valuable lesson: you can never be too careful with what you put on the internet.

And that’s something we can all agree on.

Plenty more to come, but hopefully no more double-dacking!

Steven Spielberg Set To Direct Next Penrith Panthers Sex Tape

After three videos leaked online showing Penrith Panthers players having quite disturbing sex while their teammates watch, CEO of the NRL, Todd Greenberg, has decided to lean into the series of sex-tape scandals, and use the substantial budget at his disposal to hire legendary Steven Spielberg to helm the next sex tape.

Entitled ‘Jurassic Pork,’ Spielberg will collaborate with the presently-unnamed Penrith players, along with sex-tape consultant Dylan Napa, and Panthers general manager Phil Gould, to create a visual and sensory experience second to none in the sex-tape arena.

‘Look, the videos are gonna get out there whether we like it or not,’ said Greenberg, speaking to the media today.

‘We might as well make them high-quality.’

‘Besides, with Spielberg directing, he’ll be less likely to approve the dialogue of calling a woman a ‘ratbag’. What even is a ratbag? Indiana Jones might not have loved rats, but it didn’t lead to Spielberg hurling ratbags into his films.’

Spielberg has indicated to journalists that after directing cinematic masterpieces, such as Schindler’s List and Jaws, this should be child’s play. Except, of course, children should never do this sort of play.

Rumours also abound that Spielberg’s longtime collaborator, John Williams, will be brought on board to score the sex tape.

‘I’ve never scored a sex video,’ says Williams, 86. ‘But I’m thinking light strings and subtle oboe during foreplay, then leading boldly into the Jurassic Park theme when they finally get it on.’

Great call, Williams. We eagerly await the final product.

Plenty more to come (although Greenberg probably wishes otherwise).

‘Oh, I Can Stop Anytime,’ Says Mate With Crippling Gambling Addiction

Getting on the punt is one of the great Aussie traditions.

If you find yourself spending a lazy Sunday afternoon drinking a cold one at the bowls club with your mates, it’s perfectly natural to be overcome with the sudden urge to put a couple pineapples on the pokies at their local leagues club.

Who can honestly say they haven’t been there?

Nothing beats the exhilaration that comes with a big win. But gambling can be a problem for the best of us. Lulled into a dangerous, unconscious stupor by the soothing bright lights of the machines, we all know what it’s like to be dragged kicking and screaming from Lightning Link at 3 in the morning, having lost thousands.

Fuck me dead, it ain’t pretty!

That’s why it’s just so great to hear this morning from your mate Brendan, who indicated that he definitely doesn’t have a crippling gambling problem.

Your mates have been worried for him ever since he started blowing off beers with the boys in order to spend more time with the pokies. But Brendan has promised everything’s sweet.

Yes, he might have taken out thousands in high-interest payday loans to fuel his crushing addiction.Yes, he might have developed a thousand-yard stare. Yes, dark shadows have formed under his eyes as a result of his chronic lack of sleep.

But Brendo has assured you that he can stop any time he likes, he just doesn’t want to yet.

Quitting isn’t a problem for him. It’s just that he doesn’t plan on quitting until he makes back all the money he’s lost. He probably has it all under control, and isn’t that all that matters?

At press time, Brendan had moved back home with his elderly parents after Øvrevoll Hosle had defied their recent poor form in the Norwegian women's football second division, completely fucking his multis.

But he’s assured you that she’ll be right, so no need to worry. He will be back on his feet in no time!

Please God, no more to come.

Leaked Game Of Thrones Spoiler! George R.R. Martin Dies At The End

As the world prepares for the arrival of the final six episodes of HBO’s juggernaut fantasy series, Game of Thrones, the entire production team has gone into complete media lockdown as a means of negating modern television’s worst fear. Something that can tank even the greatest show.

Spoilers. Filthy, filthy spoilers. Spoily spoilers that spoil like spoilt fruit, or dare I say it, spoilt milk.

Sadly for showrunners Damien Benioff and D.W. Weiss, and the cast and crew of the HBO programme, a major spoiler has just leaked about the conclusion of the series. A website dedicated exclusively to GoT developments, ‘Ru Paul’s Dragon Race,’ posted a story today claiming that sources close to the writing room have leaked the ending of the series.

The anonymous source is only identified by the public username ‘Yass_Slaay_Kingslayer_06,’ and is responsible for the explosive spoilers.

Shockingly, the series is said to end with the death of George RR Martin, series creator and author of the novels from which the TV show was adapted.

‘His loss will be a long-time coming but pretty consequential for the direction of the series,’ the source wrote.

‘This will be bigger than the Red Wedding, more heartwrenching than the Red Wedding, and more destructive than the Red Wedding… shit, The Rains of Castamere was a good episode.’

‘To be honest, the death of George Rartin Rartin Martin is set to bring the story grinding to a halt.’

In fact, the leak seems to believe that, in what would be an unprecedented ending for a major television series, the death of Martin will precede a sudden and jarring end to Game of Thrones.

No explanation, no resolution – just one death that will end it all.

More to come from this rapidly unspooling spoiler.

First Year Tip: Don’t Miss A Lecture Or You’ll Go To Jail

It’s the second week of Semester One, and first-years all across the university are just beginning the process of coming to grips with university life.

Coffee orders are being settled upon (double-shot soy flat white), wallets are being bankrupted courtesy of a Boost juice every day, and some truly roguish first-years are even partaking in a beer.

At 2pm! What?

But here at The Obiter, we don’t want any first-years to be walking through university life without understanding a few important rules. One of the most crucial relates to education. It’s simple. Don’t miss a lecture! Lectures are an important part of understanding the substantive component of your course, before exploring that content in your tutorials.

And also, if you miss a lecture, you’ll go to jail.

It’s a fascinating quirk of the University of Queensland that any first-year found to be skipping a lecture will immediately be sentenced to a term of imprisonment, with Vice-Chancellor Peter Hoj often donning his Warden cap as the Chief Administrator of ‘The First-Years Who Missed Lectures Penitentiary & Rehabilitation Facility,’ located just below the Red Room.

Thinking that SOCY1060’s Week 4 lecture on environmental sociology isn’t worth it? We know what’s truly not worth it, and that’s six months in a dank, moist prison, filled with the drippings of spilt jugs of Iron Jack from above.

Reckon that you’re on top of CHEM1100? Doesn’t matter, champ. Want to sleep through your 9am lecture? Well, get ready to sleep on concrete floors whilst you’re literally serving a custodial sentence for the crime of skipping a lecture.

Obviously, the university has an appeals process, but you’d only learn about said process if you attended the lecture you missed, so there goes that chance.

To every new first-year (as opposed to every old-first year), university is about having fun, enjoying new experiences, and making new friends.

But unless you want ‘fun’ to be the half-hour of recreation time you get each day, ‘new experiences’ to be trying to kill the prison rats so you can have something meaty to go with your bread-and-soup daily meal, and your ‘new friends’ to be scary third-years who have been charged with academic misconduct, then attend your lectures.

Because once you’re in, it’s hard to get out.

Hopefully, no more to come.

‘Why Is Sydney So Vibrant And Colourful This Weekend?’ Asks Grandma

The well-meaning but misguided Grandmother of Dan Evans (23), and Sarah Evans (25), Edith Evans, has today asked her grandchildren exactly why Sydney is looking just so ‘colourful, bold, and vivacious’ this weekend.

The Evans children, hailing from Brisbane’s northern suburbs, have been pressured by their parents recently to take their Grandmother on a holiday. This is because, as bluntly put by Roger Evans (58), ‘she’s got fuck-all time left.’

So Dan and Sarah settled on a weekend away in Sydney. Bondi, cafes, and a nightlife which is perfect for a 79-year-old grandmother were all major drawcards.

And yet another drawcard was Mardi Gras, the annual celebration of LGBT culture which brings an enormous amount of colour and excitement to Sydney each year, culminating in Sunday’s Mardi Gras parade.

But for Edith, whose cultural awareness extends about as far as the front door of her Nundah home, the rainbow flags and pounding tunes of Village People’s brilliant ‘Go West,’ are simply an indicator of Sydney ‘really turning it on this weekend.’

‘I had to ask my grandkids just why little old Sydney is really exploding this weekend! So much colour, so much life,’ Edith told The Obiter.

‘And so many nice young men in good, sold leather clothing as well. Lots of police officers, tradies, and Native Americans around too!’

Unfortunately, her grandkids don’t have the heart to explain to the error of her ways. So Edith will seemingly continue this weekend, in blissful ignorance.

‘I asked a nice young chap how to Go West, because I just wanted to head to Newtown, and he started singing and dancing straightaway - what a whimsical city this has become!’

‘Still need directions though.’

More to come, queen!

It's Frickin' Beer O'Clock! Beer Time, Everyone!

God, we like the look of that. Two beers, two mates, and what appears to be some good times safely underway. Nicely done! It’s frickin’ beer time, Brisbane!

Don’t mind if I do, this man thinks to himself. Nothing more beer o’clock than knocking the froth off a frothy-frothster (just a fun little nickname for beer)! Drink on, it’s beer time.

Group of friends with a group of beers. Exciting, refreshing, everything you’d want from the best time of day - beer time! Froth away, comrades. Yew!

Um, not to get geopolitical here, but don’t mind if I do follow your instructions, Mr Putin. Yum yum! Beer me!

Now hang on one minute. That’s not a beer. That’s not even a beer in his hand, I think it’s a walkie-talkie. By all accounts, instead of a man enjoying a brew (or two), that’s a man running for his life from a genuinely dangerous hippopotamus. This is almost the polar opposite of having a beer. Someone help him!

Jesus CHRIST, the hippo is seriously giving chase. Truly afraid here. The memories of beer o’clock are long gone, this is actually terrifying. Run, man, run! The hippo will kill you! GET OUT!

Phew, back on home turf here! Draught beer, a sunny afternoon. What could be better? Hope that man with the hippo is fine though, it’s possibly worth checking back—

I’m sorry, WHAT?!?! The hippo was only after a Furphy Refreshing Ale this whole time? Well drink up, you hungry, thirsty, hippo. No one can begrudge you a humble Furphy addiction!

Ben Shapiro Charged With Possession Of Lethal Weapon: His Brain

Right-wing commentator, and thirty-five-year-old human male, Ben Shapiro, is in custody this evening after a team of heavily armed DEA agents arrested him for the unlawful possession of a deadly weapon.

A weapon deadlier than any other. His brain.

That little ball of grey matter has been known to assault liberals with facts and logic, destroy libtards with its frightening rationality, and defraud the intellectually dishonest.

In fact, the DEA’s attention was most recently caught by Shapiro’s terrifying brain being used to straight-up murder Beto O’Rourke.

Detained at his Los Angeles home, the 172cm meter tall Harvard Law School graduate, whose wife is a doctor, was charged with the possession of a dangerous weapon and remanded in custody, with bail set by a local court at $2million.

Insiders with firsthand knowledge of the case reported that the weapon, Mr. Shapiro’s particularly large, dense, throbbing brain, was especially destructive when used to obliterate and destroy idiotic, delusional left-wing opponents.

His superior command of the English language, his vast repository of knowledge in the fields of history, politics, and philosophy that can be recalled on command, and ability to use large words at a frightening, epic speed were all cited as threats when discussing the danger his brain posed to snowflake fucktards concerned more for feelings than facts, logic and reason.

‘Mr. Shapiro’s IQ score is high enough alone to obliterate a small to medium sized town or village,’ confirmed our anonymous source.

As Mr Shapiro was taken into custody, he was last heard screaming ‘facts don’t care about your feelings,’ which is a pretty deranged claim considering facts don’t care about anything. They’re facts. They’re an abstract concept. They do not possess the capacity to care about anything.

More to come in this breaking story.

Confused Anthony Cassimatis Says He’s Been PIL Testing For Years

Fierce debate over proposals to install pill testing facilities at music festivals has consumed political commentary and discourse in recent weeks, following drug-related incidents at major music festivals across the summer.

However, UQ professor and former course coordinator of Public International Law Anthony Cassimatis has expressed his confusion over the incensed reaction the issue has sparked.

‘I PIL tested students for years,’ Professor Cassimatis told The Obiter when we met in his TCB office earlier this week.

‘How else was I going to know whether to pass the students who took PIL as a course in their penultimate or final year of study?’

While State Governments and music festivals have reached an apparent impasse on the proposal, Professor Cassimatis is frankly bewildered the issue is even controversial at all.

‘It’s not an overly contentious process. I teach the content, I write an exam and the students are given the chance to demonstrate their knowledge in the field and grasp on key concepts of  Private International Law. Yes, it’s PIL testing and it can be stressful but I don’t honestly see how it’s going to lead to any more deaths than it currently does.’

Professor Cassimatis seemed truly baffled when we asked him if it was distracting having students in his lectures ‘gurning away, with pupils like dinner plates.’

‘I honestly don’t know why a healthy understanding of the operation of public international law in Australia would lead a student to, what did you say, chew their gums?’

‘Yes, the comedown can be bad after Swotvac, but just take some time to relax. Outlawing any form of testing is simply extreme.’

At press time, Professor Cassimatis was seen looking over practice exam answers outside a portaloo at Laneway.