Game Of Thrones Producers Getting Nervous About Final Season Clashing With ‘Billions’

The final season of ‘Game Of Thrones’ is only moments away. However, whilst the lead up to the final season of the HBO fantasy series should be a time of excitement and celebration, showrunners Damien Benioff and D.W. Weiss have conceded that they are ‘shitting themselves,’ about an unfortunate scheduling clash.

‘Of course Billions is airing new episodes on Stan,’ Weiss told The Obiter.

‘Just our fucking luck.’

‘Way to piss on our parade, Paul Giamatti and guy from Homeland,’ tweeted a livid Kit Harrington.

The atmosphere at the premiere of the first episode of the final season could be described as low-energy and tired. ‘We had all these empty seats at the event,’ an HBO spokeswoman recounted.

‘Apparently, even members of the GoT cast had opted to have a night in and binge Billions. Who can blame them? It’s about money and stuff, I think.’

Such a shame for the cast and crew of the niche fantasy series, with a small but dedicated following, that they had to premiere their last episodes at the same time as megahit phenomenon Bill-fucking-ions.

We can’t all be the best.

Nah legit though, does anyone watch Billions? Like, I feel like it’s on billboards and in my Insta feed as a sponsored post all the time but I can’t with honesty say I have ever spoken to a sentient human who has watched it.

Weird. Snore to come!

Breaking: Underpaid Indian Feast Workers Also Exploited By Semper

A few weeks ago, UQU student publication proudly released their investigative piece into Indian Feast’s repeated habit of underpaying staff.

This was posted to Facebook, and disseminated among the campus, drawing reactions such as ‘Wow! This is great journalism!’ and ‘Semper killing it again!’ from fellow UQU members, and a general air of ‘yeah, I guess that’s a pretty shitty thing for Indian Feast to do,’ from the general public.

The Semper investigation focused on the exploitation of labour, with Indian Feast’s objectively delicious butter chicken unable to distract from their repeated incidents of failing to pay their workers their fair share.

However, as The Obiter can now exclusively reveal, the results of our own investigation have indicated that it is not only Indian Feast exploiting underpaid Indian Feast workers.

It’s also Semper!

The underpaid worker in question, identified in the Semper article as ‘Prijwal’ (not his real name, but also like, you couldn’t have just called him Anonymous? I understand why you wouldn’t call him John Doe, but did there even need to be a specified name?) has come forward to The Obiter with documents that reveal that Semper paid him literally nothing for his story.

Talk about exploitation! Whilst the Semper writers might like to sit in their ivory towers, made of ivory and crocodile tears spun into a load-bearing form of concrete (don’t ask how), writing about how criminal it is to only pay a worker $12/hr, we think they’re forgetting that $12/hr is more than they paid ‘Prijwal.’

In fact, it’s literally infinitely more, given they paid him the princely, handsome sum of $0/hr. We all know that crime doesn’t pay, but clearly helping fourth-year Journalism students and Labor Right staffers get a ‘scoop’ really doesn’t pay either.

Shocking news. No more to come.

*It’s worth clarifying that we’re also not paying Prijwal for this article, because we think at the point where three university institutions are not paying/underpaying him, that almost becomes a bit funny. Like, how unlucky can you get?

Bad Luck, Israel Folau! Scientists Just Confirmed That Jesus Was A Lesbian

The staunchly Christian rugby-playing community is in shock today, as research from the Institute for Posthumous Outing (funded by GetUp! and bizarrely, Mark Holden) has finally gotten to the bottom of one of humanity’s oldest inquiries.

Was Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Messiah, the Saviour of Mankind... a lesbian?

The answer, according to lead researcher David Karnik, is yes.

‘We’ve uncovered fresh evidence from early Gospel fragments and the DNA on the Shroud of Turin, and quite frankly the findings were a surprise,’ said Dr Karnik at press time.

‘He had the lesbian gene.’

This undeniable evidence has shined a spotlight on dual international and former AFL shitkicker Israel Folau, who has frequently voiced his anti-LGBTQ views on social media, culminating in a particularly vicious post last night.

Ariana Grande, who somehow knew before the rest of us that God is a woman and didn’t want to share it with the class, has also received significant media attention.

Folau is said by a close source to be ‘devastated’ that his horribly homophobic social media posts would have offended the Son of God.

‘I have always followed Jesus’ teachings and they have guided me to great success,’ said Folau in a prepared statement.

‘That is why, with this news, I have decided to come out as a lesbian. God hates straights. I’m off to buy a DVD box set of every season of The L Word.’

Best of luck with your new ‘lifestyle,’ Izzy.

More to come!

Disgrace! UQLS Yet To Invite The Obiter’s Henry & Joe To Perform ‘Shallow’ At Law Ball

The 2019 UQLS Executive, led by President Maggie Hawkins, have enjoyed a scandal-free tenure so far. However, good things must come to an end.

As of the time this expose is being written, President Hawkins and the UQLS have not yet invited Obiter Editor-in-Chief Joe Dwyer or contributor, Deputy President, and insatiable sex addict Henry ‘Boom Room’ Bretz to perform ‘Shallow’ at the UQ Law Ball.

The magnitude of this development cannot be overstated, but nor can it be misunderstood. Therefore, we will aim to outline the facts as objectively as possible.

At approximately 7pm on Sunday 31st March, the Facebook event for the UQ Law Ball went live. Tickets would not go on sale until Wednesday 3rd April. At this point, Joe and Henry were sure that the invitation to perform Shallow, the Oscar-winning song from ‘A Star Is Born,’ would be forthcoming.

Sunday night passed. No matter, the editors thought. Perhaps the hectic nature of the event launch had meant smaller, less important tasks had filled the time of President Hawkins and Vice-President (Socials) Joel Townsley. The announcement that the two boys would be covering Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga’s soaring ballad on the stage at Law Ball would be given its own media coverage once the initial event hype died down. Smart, thought the boys.

Monday came and went; no word from the UQLS. At this stage, The Obiter team met for an emergency meeting. It is important to understand that the entire Obiter enterprise had spent valuable time crafting this performance.

At this time, we can confirm a rumour first reported in Semper Floreat: Lachlan Glaves will be performing ‘the worm’ during the performance in what we envision will be the biggest dance circle the North has ever seen.

Drew Pavlou had already built a grassroots movement to raise small donations to fund the performance, with the average donation sitting at $16.50. Jack Hardy and Samantha Haran were planning a press tour to promote the performance on Sunrise, Today and The Project. Regular contributor Mike Fielding had been locked in to perform saxophone during the performance.

The team retained some hope in the meeting. It was only Monday. Perhaps the email invite had bounced back without any member of the UQLS Socials team noticing.

Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Over the weekend, the decision was made. The Obiter would not stand idly by and watch the UQLS promote a ball that did not feature an Obiter performance of Shallow. To do so would be a display of submission and cowardice. We will not allow the UQLS to prevent the people from getting what they want: a brave take on Shallow by Henry and Joe and Glavesy worms his heart out on that damn floor.

This resistance will create tension and potentially rifts within the UQLS; Henry is Maggie’s Deputy President and a good friend of both her and Vice-President Townsley. But there are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends on the Exec.

This whistle blow is just the beginning. There is much work to be done to secure a guarantee from President Hawkins that the Shallow performance will take place at Ball on the 27th during a break of the band, Who Is John (who are apparently bloody great but just aren’t at the level of carrying a cover of Shallow with Obiter assistance).

Public pressure. Canvassing at Ball. Resistance. With this plan, we can perform. Tickets are on sale until Friday – with enough action before that time we can make this happen. But we cannot do it alone.

Let them play.

Local Brisbane Band Yells Out ‘Thank You, Brisbane!’ As If They’ve Played Anywhere Else

In a fascinating turn of events at The Brightside, local indie-funk-rock group, ‘Loose Change,’ have just ended their 25-minute set with loud yelling of ‘thank you, Brisbane!’ to a largely disinterested crowd.

It seems like the lead singer of Loose Change, Rory Worthington (22), has decided it appropriate to thank the city they’re playing in, despite the fact this is their fifth gig and they’ve literally only ever played within an 800m radius of The Brightside.

Loose Change, a band of three best mates from high school and one bassist that one of them met at uni (who’s a bit older, and it’s a bit weird) have spent the last month making a name for themselves as one of Brisbane’s top ten funk-influenced indie-dance-rock acts, second only to The Decibels and Mr Death’s Fun Time Band.

Triumphantly playing to audiences of at least seven at premier venues such as Rory’s backyard, Black Bear Lodge, and the pinnacle of music in Brisbane, Blute’s Bar, the reputation of Loose Change has been rapidly growing as ‘alright,’ ‘not bad,’ and ‘they’re all mates of mine, so I probably have to go.’

But surely those positive reactions will all change after this evening, where a needlessly bold thanks to Brisbane has forced audience members to realise that Loose Change may have lost their already loose grip on reality.

‘Seriously, who do they think they are?’ asked 18-year-old Liz Murray, the younger sister of Rory’s beleaguered girlfriend, Cat. ‘They’ve played The Brightside twice, and all of a sudden they’re fucking Phil Collins, thanking each city they’ve been in.’

‘God forbid they start thanking suburbs - if you’re playing The Triffid, there’s no need to thank Newstead.’

Loose Change have declined to comment, stating they’re too busy focusing on a jaunty, funky cover of Toto, by Africa.

Surely there’s no more to come.

Bodger The Seat Detective Able To Find Seat In Law Library

Given the strength of the response to Tuesday’s Kirby article, we’ve decided to press on with our incredible formula for comedy, which boils down to ‘[public figure] + [random law library cliche] = dazzling pieces of satire.’ Sadly, we underestimated our chosen protagonist for this latest gem from the lab of comedic experimentation. Our hubris and arrogance led us make to a fatal error – we decided to focus on Bodger, world famous seat detective, who proved incredibly adept and able at finding a seat in the Law Library.

‘Bazinka (Bodger’s famous catchphrase in the seat detective spheres)! There’s a seat next to that Economics student,’ thought Bodger the Seat Detective as he wandered through the Law Library, an anthology of all his greatest cracked seat mysteries in hand, completely able to find a seat.

In town for a lecture at the Convention Centre detailing his learnings working on the baffling blunder of Rosa Parks’ missing seat, Bodger thought it best to get a start on the seminar prep due tomorrow, and elected to find a seat in the Law Library, an easy task for the man who once looked Recep Erdogan in the eye and said ‘I don’t care what threats you make Mr Prime Minister; I will find that seat.’

Much to Bodger’s expectation, he found it completely possible to secure a seat in the library. Just another day at the office for Bodger, who we will reiterate earns a fairly healthy living solving cases solely focused on chairs.

‘This is easy,’ he informed The Obiter in a yelled interview near a crowd of giggling fourth-year Law students discussing how sexy and cool the jacket Bodger was wearing is, with a big patchwork of a scorpion sitting in a seat on the back. Nice!

‘I find it completely abhorrent that they Law School can’t even provide a challenge for me . For Christ’s sake, I’m Bodger the Seat Detective! I’m the man who slept with Chief Justice Warren Burger’s wife in his own seat! Which I found! Also, Roe v Wade is bad law.’

The above comment from Bodger was genuinely unprompted and is particularly alarming. Bodger declined our requests to shift conversation back to seats and made some fairly inflammatory comments regarding the use of the Due Process clause as the constitutional basis for finding a woman’s right to an abortion in the US, as per Roe v Wade. This is not to say Bodger seeks anything less than an unfettered right to safe, legal, abortions, but rather, he thinks the issue of standing should’ve prevented Roe being heard, as the foetus in question had already been born, and thus there was no actual case or controversy.

Bodger also thinks any dump that accepts discarded seats should be shut down. This, he believes, is nothing less than ‘seat abortion.’

After we pointed out to Bodger that seat rights are human rights he muttered ‘the interview is over,’ before walking up to The Void in an opt attempt to find a seat there.

You’re going to have to get up earlier than that to find a seat, Bodger! By which I mean literally 3am. Which he did! We did this interview at 2.40am. It’s rough out there.

If there was a seat problem yo, he’ll solve it. Check out the seat while Bodger revolves it.

More to come.

Bob Irwin Unable To Find A Seat In Law Library

Given the strength of the response to Tuesday’s Kirby article, we’ve decided to press on with our incredible formula for comedy, which boils down to ‘[public figure] + [random law library cliche] = dazzling pieces of satire.’ In keeping with that tradition, we are enormously proud to present this unparalleled comic achievement, which has taken countless painstaking hours to put together, concerning the struggle of Australian icon, and son of Steve, Bob Irwin to find a seat in the Law Library.

‘Crikey! The crocs wouldn’t mind eating an Economics student,’ thought Bob Irwin as he wandered through the Law Library, battered bucket of kangaroo meat to feed the crocs in hand, completely unable to find a seat.

In town for a Crocodile Science seminar later this evening, Bob thought it best to get a start on the seminar prep due tomorrow, and elected to find a seat in the Law Library to fulfil that raw passion for seminar preparation.

However, much to Bob’s horror, shock, and fair-dinkum disgust, he found it completely impossible to secure a seat in the library. Strewth, Bob, it sounds like that seminar preparation might be in doubt!

‘This is cooked,’ he informed The Obiter in a hushed interview near a crowd of giggling fourth-year Law students discussing how ‘old’ they must look to first-years, boldly assuming first-years give a flying fuck about how old fourth-years look like. Also there’s mature aged students in first-year, I don’t think 52-year-old Karen thinks you look old, you spotty 21-year-old child.

‘I find it completely abhorrent that I can’t even squeeze myself into a little corner somewhere to get some quality work done. It was easier to find a seat in Chief Justice Warren Burger’s Burger Court!’

The above comment from Bob is particularly alarming, as many would rightfully think that Bob isn’t an ex-US Supreme Court Justice, let alone one from the 1970s. But nevertheless, in our interview with Bob as he awaited a free seat, he made some fairly inflammatory comments regarding the use of the Due Process clause as the constitutional basis for finding a woman’s right to an abortion in the US, as per Roe v Wade. This is not to say Irwin seeks anything less than an unfettered right to safe, legal, abortions, but rather, he thinks the issue of standing should’ve prevented Roe being heard, as the foetus in question had already been born, and thus there was no actual case or controversy. However, in discussions with audiences at Australia Zoo, Bob has consistently asserted his faith in Planned Parenthood v Casey, amongst others, as appropriate judicial determinations of constitutional rights. Frickin’ crikey, mate!

After we pointed out to Bob Irwin that he had a seat literally reserved for him at the Burger Court (again shocking that this young man is firm in his belief he served under Chief Justice Warren Burger) he muttered ‘the interview is over,’ before walking up to The Void in an optimistic attempt to find a seat there.

You’re going to have to get up earlier than that to find a seat, Bobby Irwin! By which I mean literally 3am. It’s rough out there.

I could go for a chicken katsu curry right now, but only if pressured. More to come.

No Escape! Splendour Lineup Beamed Directly Into Unsuspecting Australian's Brains

Covering their ears and shrieking in pain as the high-pitch radio frequency shook buildings and shattered windows across Australia’s entire eastern seaboard, Australians across the nation cowered in terror yesterday morning as the Splendour in the Grass organizers unveiled their new media communications strategy.

Beaming the festival’s 2019 lineup directly to the brains of all 25,010,938 Australians. We’re only recovering from it, and hence able to write about it, this morning, but the ringing in our ears is unlikely to dissipate anytime soon.

Setting off car alarms and making dogs cower in their kennels, our sources and personal experience indicate that the high-pitch frequency featured a demonic, disembodied voice announcing the festival’s headliners one by one in a flat, monotonous tone.

Whilst normally the phrases ‘Chance The Rapper,’ and ‘Tame The Impala,’ and ‘Childish The Gambino,’ are stated with joy, this monotonous drone seemed almost threatening in its relentless dissemination of the 2019 lineup.

Widespread power outages were reported in all major Australian cities as hospitals were forced to rely on emergency generator power during the episode.

Accounts differ, but it appears the voice threatened to cut off Matt Corby’s fingers one by one, before brutally murdering him, if all Australians did not immediately send a message to their group chats asking their friends if they had seen the line up and whether they would be buying tickets.

At press time, the sidewalks were littered with the carcasses of thousands of dead birds that had dropped from the sky.

More to come, we fear.

Grimace Unable To Find A Seat In Law Library

Given the strength of the response to yesterday’s Kirby article, we’ve decided to press on with our incredible formula for comedy, which boils down to ‘[public figure] + [random law library cliche] = dazzling pieces of satire.’ In keeping with that tradition, we present today’s comic extravaganza, this unparalleled piece of online journalism, concerning the struggle of McDonald’s mascot Grimace to find a seat in the Law Library.

‘Get out, you Commerce/Economics wankers,’ thought Grimace as he wandered through the Law Library, battered Lenovo ThinkPlus in hand, completely unable to find a seat.

In town for a Burgerology seminar later this evening, Grimace thought it best to get a start on the seminar prep due tomorrow, and elected to find a seat in the Law Library to fulfil that animalistic desire.

However, much to Grimace’s horror, shock, and disgust, he found it completely impossible to secure a seat in the library. Sounds like that seminar preparation might be in doubt, Grimmy!

‘This is cooked,’ he informed The Obiter in a hushed interview near a crowd of giggling first-year Law students on their way to a Catterwell Contracts seminar, where a half-arsed joke about Kirby dissenting a fair bit will get laughs greater than this article deserves.

‘I find it completely abhorrent that I can’t even squeeze myself into a little corner somewhere to get some quality work done. It was easier to find a seat in Burger Court!’

The above joke is funny because Grimace, as a McDonald’s mascot, could’ve conceivably served as a judge in some sort of Burger Court, but the Burger Court also refers to the Supreme Court of the United States when Warren Burger served as Chief Justice, from 1969 to 1986. The above joke implies Grimace might’ve had a role in deciding Roe v Wade, a controversial decision that has remained precedent despite continued judicial attempts to whittle down its core holding: that the right to privacy under the Due Process clause of the 14th Amendment extends to a woman’s right to have a legal abortion.

After we pointed out to Grimace that he had a seat literally reserved for him at the Burger Court (again unclear as to whether this was at McDonaldland or under Chief Justice Warren Burger), he muttered ‘the interview is over,’ before walking up to The Void in an optimistic attempt to find a seat there.

You’re going to have to get up earlier than that to find a seat, Grimace! By which I mean literally 3am. It’s rough out there.

Broncos Burgers are weird but compelling. More to come.

‘Where Are The Headliners?’ Asks Splendour Attendee Who Spends Entire Festival At Campsite Doing Ket

In a rough turn of events for Australia’s premier festival, noted music ‘fan’, moshpit groper, and Amy Shark-hater, Alex Creek (22), has delivered a serious body blow to the reputation of Splendour in the Grass, describing its lineup as ‘weak.’

‘Who the fuck is Chance the Rapper, and where’s Sticky Fingers?’ asked the music aficionado in a Facebook comment, receiving a whopping twelve likes largely from men with bumbags strapped across bare chests in their profile pictures.

Responses to his comment were limited to words of support, such as ‘Fark, can’t get sticky with sticky fingers, that’s dog as,’ and ‘Tame Impala sold out bro.’

The Obiter managed to get a hold of Creek for an exclusive interview, despite his busy schedule studying Business at QUT.

‘Yeah its just kind of tragic really,’ choked the 22-year old between tears.

‘Last year I got to tell everyone how fucked I was during Kendrick, Khalid and Dune Rats. How am I supposed to do that with this trash lineup?’

We here at The Obiter prefer to merely state the facts and let you, the noble reader, decide on your opinion. But this humble writer cannot stay silent while such a blatant abuse of human rights takes place.

And like literally everyone these days who thinks something disagreeable has happened, we demand a Royal Commission. Mr Morrison, this country begs you for a Royal Commission, with the terms of reference to be governed by a simple question.

Where are the headliners?

More to come, after Alex finds out that Chance The Rapper sung ‘All Night,’ which inspired his group of only male friends to chant ‘all night, I’ve been drinking all night, I’ve been drinking all night,’ at the most inopportune moment.