Mum Reviews ‘Avengers: Endgame’

Well, thanks everyone for coming around tonight. Donelle, you look amazing, what have you done with your eyebrows? How's Sammy?

Oh yeah that's nice my Trent is doing the same thing he said it was difficult to find a job. Yeah? Oh, okay, well I'll tell Trent to lift his game! Hah!

I think Marnie will be here soon? She's always late, hah! Did you see her photos on instagram? She and Scott always have such a great time and they are always going overseas, I wish I could.

Anyway, we should watch this film. Okay, so does this have the Batman? Okay, who's this one? Oh, you know my friend knows Neil from that office, why don't I get Trent to talk to him?

Okay so this is the one where they all had the big crystal stuff? Oh, no here's Marnie. Yes, hey Marnie - I know, I was stuck in traffic for so long yesterday, it’s a nightmare.

Here, sorry the place is a mess. You shouldn't have! Okay well I've got some salad in the fridge, it's not very nice though I can never to the recipe right. How were your travels? Oh really? With that girl from the gym? Well that is not good. Photos were great though!

Okay so now there's all these people. Oh look, Eric Bana as Green Man! I loved him in Romulus big Daddy. Did you see it Donelle?

Really I think all these films are a bit silly. I just can't follow it with all the noise and bright lights! Oh, that man's got a haircut. I should definitely get Trent to get a haircut he's trying to grow it out after school but it looks awful.

Well, this is a long film, but now they're on another planet? Is that Mars? Yes that's fine Donelle, just go out the back Trent has asthma.

I can't believe Donelle still smokes what a mess. Marnie stop crying I can't hear the hot guy speak. Nice to see they've got a couple of girls in the cast this used to be such a boys club. Which of the characters are they in love with? I reckon the redhead girl will end up with the guy from the rom com movies. She was in Lost in Translation, my hubbie LOVES that film I just don't see why.

Marnie seriously I know its hard but honest to god I need to watch this film I don't care about Scott, just find someone else to take nice photos with. No, sorry! Marnie! Ah well.

Okay well it's just me. Damn Donelle is taking so long. Is she smoking a whole packet. Her son is such a dickhead but he's doing better than Trent, damn. I bet they think about us all the time.

5 stars.

UQLS Executive Breathes Sigh of Relief After Zero Law Ball Fatalities This Year

We all remember Law Ball 2018, and the frustrating massacre of youth that really put a damper on the evening. After all, once you’ve paid at least $100 for a ticket, you really shouldn’t be confronted with an unseasonable amount of death and destruction.

That’s why the UQLS Executive can breathe a big sigh of relief, and even dare to pat themselves on the back, for the success that was Law Ball 2019: A Story To Tell. And the real story from the night was the fantastically executed lack of executions.

Positive feedback from students has been overwhelming. Shorter lines, nicer venue, better food.

And for the first time in UQLS history, a glittering zero fatalities.

That’s right. Law Ball 2019 marked the first time in the event’s rich history to see zero fatalities. Where Law Ball 2018 saw nineteen violent deaths, with causes ranging from the frightening to the silly (being stabbed by a reanimated pulled pork slider somehow being both), Law Ball 2019 saw none. Zilch. Zero.

For current UQLS President, Margaret Cunningham, who grew to power on the back of a ‘Less Deaths At Law Ball’ campaign, that’s something of which to be proud. She promised to clean up the way Law Ball was run. She promised that no longer would the blood of students run like a river across the floor of events hosted by the UQLS.

And you know what? She was right on the money.

The Obiter commends her for this achievement. And we hope that this run can be continued long into the future.

No undergraduate law student deserves to be brutally and violently murdered at fun events with their friends. Even if it’s an understandable consequence of the effort that goes into these events.

Definitely no more to come.

Local Woman Emerges From 3-Day Breakdown With A New Hair Colour

Last weekend, local girl Anna Stevens (21) took some time off social media to indulge in self-care. With the stress of university, work, and updating her Riverdale blog (don’t pretend like you don’t follow it, you animal) growing, it’s been important for Anna to take ‘time to herself.’

The self-care session involved the usual. You know, facials, a manicure, Netflix, Sumo salads, yoga, and everyone’s iconic favourite, sporadic hair bleaching whilst crying to Taylor Swift music.

We recommend the classic 2010 album, Speak Now, if you’re interested in trying this at home.

I mean, nothing says ‘everything is definitely OK’ like the smell of $8 L’Oreal dye from Coles, slowly killing off your last two brain cells, which were desperately trying to survive the week without the loss of any other brain cell brethren.

‘I feel like a whole new person,’ she said on her latest status, which she sent out to her 4 active Twitter followers, shortly after this genuine mental episode manifesting in a rogue self-care routine.

Seven vodka shots for you and your friends in the Valley at 11pm, before being in the Uber by 1.30am because you ‘just can’t handle it’? Expensive.

Pouring bleach and hair dye into a styrofoam cup in your bathroom at 3am? Admittedly not free, but genuinely a better time!

More to come from this uplifting tale!

'Feminism Is A Cancer,' Says Local Man Clearly Ignoring It's A Taurus

A local neckbeard with a face has today made a bold declaration that ‘feminism is a cancer.’ Not only is this ideologically dicey, but factually incorrect, given that feminism is very obviously a Taurus.

Time to replace the can of Mother with a can of astrology knowledge, buddy!

Brynden Hayesworth (23), a fifth-year Arts student (no-one has figured out how it’s taken this long), decided to share his astrologically-deficient views in a POLS tute, cleverly saying anyone who disagrees with him is ‘in denial.’

Ignoring how much this is a stock Libra move, it’s worth noting Brynden’s grasp on zodiac signs, and indeed, reality, is incredibly tenuous.

The zodiac sign Cancer, which primarily relates to humans born between June 21 and July 22, tends to gladly connect with new social contacts, but remains extremely sensitive of people not approved by their closest surroundings. No way does this accurately describe feminism, a social movement aimed at achieving equality between the sexes.

In fact, not only is it incorrect to describe feminism as a Cancer in the sense that ideological movements cannot bear zodiac signs, but if feminism was to be a zodiac sign, it would be fucking obviously be Taurus. To say otherwise is to be absolutely kidding yourself.

The ruler of Taurus is Venus, the planet of love, attraction, beauty, satisfaction, creativity and gratitude. That sounds like a healthy slice of third-wave feminism to me!

And if it’s first-wave feminism you’re after, look no further than the Taurus tendency to be practical and well-grounded, and harvesting the fruits of labour. That really does appear to strike at the heart of a basic struggle for equality.

If you’re going to weaponise the faultless science of astrology, you’d better come prepared. And that goes for those who inexplicably described the Safe Schools program as an acquired immunodeficiency virus, ignoring that educational programs can’t catch AIDs.

No more to chum.

‘I’m Just Like Kim!’ Thinks First-Year Who Got A 6 In Contracts

‘Woah. Did I just become Kim Kardashian West?’ asked thousands of Law students across Australia, as news broke recently of her enrolment in Law school.

And with last Wednesday’s tweet of ‘Aced my test btw,’ Kim has given fresh hope to all first-year students who did moderately well in their Contracts A midsem that they are, in many ways, literally ‘just like Kim.’

Sophia Fowler (19), a first-year Arts/Law student, is one of those students. MacBook, highlighters, and KeepCup in hand, Sophia can regularly be seen prowling the ground floor of the Law Library, looking to see if anyone else has done the ‘extra readings.’

‘I just don’t want to be caught out if Ryan asks a question about the extra readings,’ she stated, describing a scenario that will literally never happen.

Sophia, previously saw herself as most like fictional character Harvey Specter, can now proudly count the megastar Kardashian as the person to whom she is most similar.

‘Initially, I thought the only similarity between Kim and myself was that we were both influencers, we were both powerful #Girlbosses*, and our fathers both successfully fought for the acquittal of men who were likely murderers**,’ she informed The Obiter in an extremely public interview near the UQLS office, and then near that really slow tap near the stairs.

‘But then I realised - we both ace the heck outta Law tests!’

Sophia’s gutsy 81% in her Contracts A midsem is currently the strongest evidential link between her and Kim K, but with a challenge to the mark currently on the floor of the Senate, that 81% could become a bold 87% in just a matter of days. The country waits with bated breath.

More to come from this aggressively half-baked idea.

* Sophia runs a ‘company’ which makes charcuterie boards for her friends’ parties. It is, admittedly, fairly successful.

** This one came out of fucking nowhere. Who’s her father?

Dean Patrick Parkinson Condemns Pagan Great Court Easter Egg Hunt

UQ Law Dean, Patrick Parkinson, was reportedly filled with a profound rage on Tuesday morning, as he glowered from his office window in the Forgan Smith Building at the filthy heathens below participating in the pagan ritual of the ‘Great Court Easter Egg Hunt.’

Gazing upon the sea of foul, unbelieving, mindless students competing to find the coloured plastic eggs scattered around the Great Court and various other UQ locations, Parkinson reflected on Easter’s sinful and unholy pagan origins.

Originally celebrating the feast of the Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring and renewal, Eostre, any attempt to pretend Easter is a Christian tradition is simply an intriguing piece of pagan trickery. Parkinson immediately entreated into his office, to swiftly write and put out a communique banning law students from participating in any and all pagan rituals.

‘Forgive them Lord, for though they have lust in their hearts and so take the heathen Druid idol of the egg for their God, they know not what they do. Spare them the eternal tortures of the burning lake of fire and appear in their hearts, so that they might seek you out again of their own accord.’

At press time, he was exhorting students to turn their back on sin and enter into the eternal love of Jesus Christ by conducting rogue baptisms in the algae-bloom tinged, polluted UQ lakes.

More to come, from this John the Baptist-esque figure who knows his way around the law.

Blind Man Has Never Seen ‘Game Of Thrones’

Robert Paulson (27), a local accountant and completely blind man, has shocked his office today with the revelation that he’s ‘never seen Game of Thrones.’

Touted as the new veganism, the declaration that one has never seen HBO’s fantasy megahit has been criticised as a needless attempt to signal one’s freethinking, independent mind, that isn’t ruled by the little rows of pixels that we call television.

And for Paulson’s office, the mid-tier accounting firm Strickland & Associates, Robert’s declaration that he’s simply never witnessed ‘Game Of Thrones’ with his own eyes has led to genuine outrage.

‘How have you avoided it? It’s seriously, like, the best. I mean, Jon? Sansa? Daenerys? Robin Arryn’s raw eroticism, embodied in him sucking on nipples like his life depends on it?’ questioned Lara Rogers in HR, the quizzical look on her face pretty much lost on Robert.

‘Yeah, as I said, I’ve just never found the time, nor the capacity, to see it,’ responded Robert, before being sharply cut off by the CFO’s loud declaration of ‘bullshit! It’s the best, bro!’

However, despite the harsh reaction of Robert’s office, inside sources suggest that Robert’s claim to have never seen ‘Game Of Thrones’ may be masking the truth - that he is a huge fan of George RR Martin’s written work, and has listened to the audiobooks of ASOIAF on countless occasions.

His deskmate, Brandon Steyn, revealed to us in a hushed interview in a crypt below Eagle Street.

‘Robert’s rebellion against Game of Thrones was built on a lie. He’s never been not a fan. He’s listened to the audiobooks.’

However, regardless of the veracity of Robert’s claim, our reports indicate his deaf friends have all ‘never heard of it.’

Nothing more to see here!

Triple-Shot Flat White Fairly Good Indication That Someone’s Taking Mid-Sems Seriously

With his AirPods in, textbooks clutched tight, and triple-shot flat white cradled in his hands, it’s a pretty safe bet to say Marcus Pattinson (20) is taking mid-sems alarmingly seriously.

The third-year Arts/Commerce student told himself two weeks ago that he really needed to get his act together, and whilst that hasn’t physically manifested in anything resembling getting his act together, it has certainly shown up in Marcus’ coffee order.

Assuming he can use caffeine as a shortcut to getting weirdly serious about uni, Marcus has upped his intake to a regulation triple-shot, and is reportedly considering donning the Black Mask (or, as it’s known to the commonfolk, drinking long blacks). But for outside observers, Marcus’ ostensible attempts to ‘get serious’ are amounting to little more than pathetic failures.

‘Get over yourself, mate, it’s a 20% multiple-choice exam,’ said one of Marcus’ friends in a hushed, intimate interview with The Obiter in the Law Library disabled bathrooms.

‘He’s been chirping away so much about how it’s time to knuckle down, but the hardest I’ve seen him work this past week was when he was deciding which packet of new highlighters to buy.’

‘You can’t highlight a better personality.’

That extremely bitter interview aside, it’s become rapidly obvious to everyone on campus that a coffee-focused approach to mid-sems is a bit tragic, and ultimately, everyone should just chill out until the day before their Torts exam, whereupon they immediately freak out and lose their minds.

This was well thought-out! No more to come.

Heartbreak! Pete Buttigieg Killed Off In ‘Game Of Thrones’ Premiere

Winter has come.

Fans of fantasy phenomenon, ‘Game of Thrones,’ have learned the hard way that even their favourite characters aren’t safe. And while the devoted followers knew that the showrunners would be aiming to make waves with the premiere of the final season, nothing could have prepared fans for this.

In the opening moments of the episode, the characters were all congregating at Winterfell. Out of nowhere, 37-year old Mayor of South Bend, Indiana and 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg wandered into frame.

‘Morning guys,’ Mayor Pete said to the gang as he grasped Jon Snow warmly on the shoulder. ‘I’m Pete and I’m running for President.’

Oh shit. Viewers were immediately concerned for the millennial war veteran whose husband Chasten is an emerging social media sensation. Surely the showrunners wouldn’t introduce a character this likeable and conscious of climate change because he has to consider what the world will be like in the year 2054 (the year he reaches the current age of the current President) if they didn’t have grave ideas in mind.

Indeed, Mayor Pete had barely begun outlining his reforms to the Supreme Court to Bran when a big stinky Republican white walker (yeah, you bet he’s white) rode into Winterfell on an electoral minority and stabbed gay progressive Pete in the heart – a big target, we’ll concede!

That white walker’s name: Donald Drumpy Dump. President of the United HATES of America.

TV is a distraction. Rise. Fight. Resist.

We can win. We have an army of the dead – they’re in The White House.

And the scariest part?

It’s true.

Workplaces Enjoy Most Productive Monday Ever As Employees Stay Off Social Media For Some Reason

Workplaces across Australia have expressed a mix of joy and surprise after enjoying their most productive Monday ever recorded.

‘We have hit goals that we did not expect to be reached until July 2020,’ General Manager of Ernst & Young, David Rich, told The Obiter.

‘It’s unfathomable.’

According to research conducted very quickly and efficiently, the workforce of Australia have enabled this ground-breaking day by reducing their social media usage at work by a whopping 8000%.

‘It’s like no one was on Facebook or Instagram all day,’ CFO of Herbert Smith Freehills Adam McMoney reported.

‘Even Google was avoided, just to be safe.’

Reportedly, online socialising was not the only communication reduced today. People were seen walking hurriedly through work corridors, eyes down, fingers in ears, yelling ‘DON’T, DON’T, FUCKING DON’T.’

While the origins of this productivity are yet to be discovered, one thing can be certain: Bran dies.

Way more to come.