‘No Endgame Spoilers!’ Says Friend Who Really Should’ve Seen It By Now

It’s time to face the facts.

Avengers: Endgame, the global blockbuster smash, has been out for over two weeks, and if you’re still worried about spoilers, you’re in the minority. If you haven’t seen it yet, either get to the cinema, or keep it to yourself.

Yet this is a message that has gone unheeded by Charlie Bird (19), who insists on telling his friends they can’t ‘spoil the Endgame’ around him, despite the fact he has turned down multiple opportunities to see the epic conclusion to Marvel’s Infinity Saga.

‘I really loved the scene where Captain America…’ began Charlie’s friend, Michael Cooke (20), who is known as the ‘Cookie Monster’ to his friends, but ‘stealthord89’ to anyone who trawls the YouTube comments section of ‘Girlfriend Cuts Your Hair ASMR’ videos.

Michael was immediately cut off by an irate Charlie, who declared his friend a ‘dickhead’ for talking about an incredibly popular film that has been out for sixteen days.

‘Stop talking about it in front of me! You promised, no frickin’ spoilers!’ he argued.

This was conveniently ignoring the fact that at this point, it really doesn’t feel like he’ll see it at all.

If you haven’t seen it by now, Charles, your future prospects of ever seeing it are growing increasingly grim.

As Avengers: Endgame rolls past $2billion at the global box office, comfortably on its way to overtake the bizarrely forgettable fever dream that was James Cameron’s Avatar, one has to ask - when is it okay to spoil the fact that Spider-Man comes back after the Snap with a thick Latino accent, yet is still played by Tom Holland?

And why aren’t we talking more about this?

No more to funk.

'You Have To Protect Him,' Sobbing Meghan Markle Whispers To Brother On Her Deathbed

The arrival of Meghan Markle’s first son has been met with fanfare around the world. However, not all is as it seems.

Sources from within Buckingham Palace have reported that Ms Markle’s son is in truth the first born son of Prince Harry.

‘He’s never been a bastard,’ James Corden, who recently became the Three-Eyed Raving and can carpool karaoke through all of time, whispered to himself as he figured out the truth.

‘He’s seventh in line to the throne of England.’

Ms Markle suffered some loss of blood during the child’s birth, which took place in the Tower of London. Her brother Ned Markle, after shiving some chavs, ran upstairs to find his dying sister and her child.

‘You have to protect him,’ the Suits star cried. ‘Mike Ross thinks Prince Harry stole me. But I love him.’

‘Promise me, Ned. Promise me. His name is Mohammed Windsor.’

‘Wait what?’ Ned was understandably thrown. But, a man of honour, he took baby Mo and raised him as his own bastard, promising to one day tell him the truth of his upbringing.

And that’s what happens when you play the game of Suits: you win or you lose.

‘Yo, The Ratio Is Way Off In This Sausagefest!’ Announces King’s College Chairman

Whilst wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap, and shotgunning a six-pack of Budweiser, the King’s College Chairman, Chad Bruce, with the full support of the Administrative Board, has formally announced that ‘we need some mo’ girls in here!’

The decision, reached after extensive consultation with stakeholders and interested parties, particularly on the issue of whether ‘chicks would throw off the vibe,’ has been the topic of intense debate, but ultimately the ‘Sausagefest’ campaign won out.

‘We made a formal decision, on behalf of the College, that the ratio was just well off in here, and it was becoming a total sausagefest. Too many dudes means I’ll snooze, am I right?’ yelled Mr Bruce, barely clinging to the lectern as he shook with excitement at the prospect of chugging a brewski with girls watching.

‘Woohoo!’ screamed the huddle of faceless men who run King’s College standing behind him, before crushing beer cans on their forehead and talking about plans for the ‘big game’ and whether they’ll beat Alabama State this year.

Whilst some critics have stated that King’s is moving to a co-education structure solely to recover their financial losses sustained due to decreasing enrolments and an increasingly damaged reputation, Mr Bruce has averted those fears with a simple equation, which he drew excitedly on a whiteboard for The Obiter.

‘Bro, I swear to God, Einstein came up with this shit. Check it.’

The equation simply read ‘Chicks = Good Times,’ or in its more complicated explanation, ‘Chicks/Dudes = X, X = Good Times where X > 1 or < 10.’

‘This is going to be some Martin Luther King shit, man, like desegregating schools, we’re desegregating gender. Yo, we should change our name to Martin Luther King’s College!’

More to come.

Daring To Be Different: This White Man Doesn’t Have A Podcast

We can’t all be individuals. If we were, no one would be.

But Damien Bradley has taken out a pave-tool and paved his own path. Mr Bradley is a 28-year old marketing manager who, in a move that is effectively unprecedented for a man of his ethnicity, does not host a podcast in his spare time.

Sorry, Frank Sinatra, but it looks like you’re not the only one doing it your way. Damien’s colleagues at Reach Marketing each host their own podcast, tackling a diverse range of topics, from cricket to AFL, and even the occasional daring discussion of ‘free speech,’ as seen through the lens of Israel Folau.

‘I get about 10 downloads a month,’ said Alex Armstrong, a long-time friend of Damien, and host of the weekly Game of Thrones podcast, ‘Snow Idea’.

‘But Damo has not once, since I met him, walked into my kitchen and suggested that our banal small talk about our favourite Nintendo console should be immortalised in an audio format.

‘He’s really brave.’

‘Damien dares to be uncommon,’ said Declan Keith, Damien’s personal trainer and host of the weekly Game of Thrones podcast ‘I Love The Night’s Watch.’

Even N-grade celebrity and host of the weekly Game of Thrones podcast ‘Lannister, I Hardly Know Her,’ Abe Sanders, weighed in on the bold move.

‘Damien really needs to pull his finger out download a free trial of an audio editing software, borrow his mate who is in a band’s microphones, and let the world know what he thinks about things.’

To add insult to injury, Damien’s father, who hosts the weekly Game of Thrones podcast ‘A Lannister Always Pods Their Debts,’ has revised his will so that Damien will only receive his inheritance if he steps up to the plate, and creates hourly episodes each week on a topic he knows little about. Otherwise, the Bradley fortune will go to Damien’s uncle, Brian Bradley, who hosts the weekly Game of Thrones podcast, ‘Targaryen Schmargaryen.’

For now, Damien is content to look convention in the face and say ‘not today, buddy.’

For this, we salute him.

Sidebar: jump on Spotify to listen toThe Obiter’s latest Game of Thrones podcast, ‘Who’s Afraid Of Walder Frey.’

Plenty more to come.

What *That* ‘Game of Thrones’ Scene Means For The Federal Election

Amidst the blood, violence, wine, and drama of Monday morning’s Game of Thrones episode, ‘The Last of the Starks,’ a scene which caught the attention of many fans was a fascinating moment between Jaime, Brienne, and Tyrion.

As their bawdy drinking game marches on, soaked with wine and laughter, Jaime unveils a correct guess that Brienne of Tarth is an only child.

That’s right. The daughter of Selwyn Tarth, Lord of Tarth, the Sapphire Isle. An only child. Of course, we were immediately left asking the obvious question - how will this impact the 2018 Federal Election?

And more specifically, can Trevor Evans recover from this setback?

As the current LNP member for Brisbane, Evans had pinned his campaign hopes on Brienne having a brother, or even failing that, some sort of step-sister. But with this latest Thrones reveal, I think it’s pretty easy to say Bill Shorten’s march to the Australian White House will be straight through the electorate of Brisbane.

You fought well, Trev. Nobly, even. But in the Game of Thrones, you win or you get it wrong about Brienne and stumble to a crushing electoral defeat.*

*We know the quote is ‘you win or you die,’ but we didn’t want to threaten a sitting member of Parliament with death, particularly in the context when he is, by all accounts, a genuinely lovely bloke.

‘Oohf, Really Needed This Break,’ Says Unemployed Student Doing 2 Subjects

Fuck me. How good are long weekends!

With Monday a public holiday because of Labour Day or some shit, we are all getting a much deserved break - and Christ, I tell you what, we bloody needed it!

One bloke in your local group chat probably doesn’t need it though. And this is why you and your mates are looking on him with so much suspicion, as he speaks about his relief to get off the grind.

James sent the following message to the chat, at approximately 1635 hours.

‘Strewth cobbas! Really needed this one, hey.’

This is really quite perplexing, since James doesn’t work, and is supported through university by his parents. This is made doubly perplexing by the fact that he is doing only two arts subjects this semester.

No one knows why he feels that he has been busy, or why he feels he needs a break. It’s a bit of a head scratcher.

At press time, everyone in the group chat was ignoring James’ suggestion of a boys’ fishing trip to mark the long weekend, and instead focusing on literally anything other than a boys’ fishing trip to mark the long weekend.

Hopefully nothing more to come.

Girl Describing Herself As 'Sweet But A Psycho' Probably Just A Psycho

Ava Max’s pop hit ‘Sweet But Pyscho’ is not merely a candy-sweet confection of synth-pop energy and poetic lyrics. It has served as inspiration for Instagram bios, brunch captions, and as a genuine identity. One such person to adopt the song lyrics as their identity is third-year Arts/Commerce student, Kate Helton (20).

‘Haha yeah, that song totally speaks to me - I’m totally that sweet but a psycho type!’ said Kate blatantly ignoring the fact she’s probably just a psycho, and the sweetest thing she’s done this year is put an extra teaspoon of sugar in her goddamned coffee.

It’s not even that we at The Obiter know Kate particularly well, we just think it’s safe to say that as a general rule, people who aren’t psychos don’t describe themself as anything which involves the label of ‘psycho.’

And taking bizarre pride in the label of ‘little bit psycho’ is not really in the arena of a typically ‘sweet’ person.

Arguably, it’s a good thing people don’t adopt their entire identity from pop hits. If everyone decided to live their lives in accordance with Imagine Dragons’ ‘Radioactive,’ we’d have more thyroid cancer than Chernobyl, and if we all adopted the message of Niall Horan’s ‘Slow Hands,’ a coffee would take an hour to make (because your barista would have slow hands - very clever, you know).

But for all those who find themselves identifying a little too closely with ‘Sweet But Psycho,’ just remember - it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the fight of the dog in the size.

And with that, Happy Wednesday!

So much more to come.

‘Yeah Dude, She’s A Psycho,’ Says Man Describing Girlfriend’s Reasonable Complaints About Relationship

‘Bro, she’s absolutely cuckoo. Like, I can’t even begin to explain how crazy she’s been,’ stated Bryson Frizell (24), a real estate representative for Ray White, and Coorparoo local.

Bryson’s relationship with his girlfriend, Lara, has been shaky for some time, with Bryson’s patented blend of laziness and arrogance slowly beginning to rub Lara the wrong way.

If Bryson’s words were to be believed, he is currently living a bizarre blend of Shutter Island and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, wherein his girlfriend has truly lost her mind, and is torturing him every day with her brand of insanity.

However, outside observers have comfortably concluded that Bryson isn’t dating a ‘deranged psycho,’ and in fact, her complaints about the relationship are pretty reasonable. These complaints include ‘wash your sheets more than twice a year,’ ‘shower more than twice a week,’ and ‘try to remember my birthday, please.’

Nevertheless, any attempt to open a reasonable, mature discussion about issues within the relationship have been met with blank stares from Bryson, and his hushed mutterings of ‘chill out.’

Whilst he describes her as a ‘crazy bitch’ to his friends, our intimate interviews with a handful of Bryson’s mates suggest their picture is radically different.

‘Yeah, she honestly seems fine. Wasn’t crazy about Captain America: Civil War, which is a shame, but she’s definitely not this loose cannon that he’s cracked her up to be,’ stated David Markey, with his twin brother, Michael Markey, suggesting that ‘...she’s actually delightful.’

Ah well, in matters like this, who can you really believe?

No more to come.

Kermit The Frog Getting Pretty Sick Of Another Man's Hand Up His Ass

It might not be easy being green, but it’s certainly difficult to sustain an entertainment career with another man’s hand squarely up your ass, as local frog icon Kermit was happy to share with us.

‘Yeah, I’m just fucking over it, to be honest,’ shared the frog in an honest interview with The Obiter at Merlo’s this morning.

When we’d reached out to Kermit’s management several months ago, we had thought it highly unlikely we’d get a reply, particularly on the issue of any difficulties Mr. Kermit may have faced by having another person’s appendage inside him for the entirety of his career.

But to our surprise, Kermit was happy to have a chat with us, given he’s in town promoting his latest tell-all book, ‘Kokaine Kermit: The Muppet Show In 1980s Hollywood,’ and its related speaking tour, which has been the subject of student protests for its alarmingly Islamophobic content.

‘I understand that it’s probably necessary for my career, but it’s bloody painful, to say nothing of the lack of privacy,’ he muttered, in that iconic Southern drawl for which Kermit is well known.

Using his green lips to slurp up a babycino, he whispered ‘that’s good,’ before continuing.

‘I don’t have much time left in my career, I get that, so I’ll just have to tough it out. But I dream of the day I can stand on my own two feet, as opposed to sort of three feet? If you think of the puppet operator’s arm as a third foot, which I definitely do, it’s how I deal with it…’ he trailed off, looking into the distance.

Suddenly, Miss Piggy stormed in, terminating the interview. ‘There’s been a death in the family,’ she muttered, before storming away, in much the same way she stormed into the interview.

Fascinating. Definitely no more to come.

Scott Morrison Baptized In Tooheys’ New In Attempt To Secure 'Blokey Christian' Vote

The campaign trail is difficult even for the toughest politicians, and for Prime Minister Scott Morrison, the cracks are beginning to show. Emphasising his Cronulla Sharks membership, passion for beer, and relentless use of the word ‘mate,’ Morrison seems to be basing his campaign around the idea that he’s a ‘regular bloke.’

This electoral strategy is obviously genius, with Australia having a history of electing such ‘regular blokes’ as onion-eating Tony Abbott, China-obssessive Kevin Rudd, Renaissance nerd Paul Keating, and the weirdest of them all, rugby-union-enjoying John Howard.

However, the ‘regular Aussie blokey bloke blokester’ strategy has resulted in some interesting campaign tactics, such as this morning’s ‘Beers, Baptisms, and Bibles’ event, in country NSW town of Coonabarabran.

Filling an Aldi blow-up swimming pool with cans upon cans of Tooheys’ New, the Prime Minister then conducted an impromptu ‘Beer Baptism’ with local pastor, police chief, and owner of one of the two pubs in town, Father Brian Howard.

‘We ask the Lord cast away the sins of being a cuck, being a soyboy, and being a latte liberal,’ pleaded Father Howard to the heavens, as Morrison slowly stripped down to his Cronulla Sharks boxers, and plunged into the lukewarm pond of Tooheys’ New.

‘Let your son be reborn in the heaven’s nectar, this liquid concoction of yeast and barley which calls men to greatness.’

Morrison’s head was then held in the beer until he could barely breathe, like that scene where Euron gets baptised in Game of Thrones. Bursting up from the amber depths of Australia’s ninth-favourite lager, Morrison yelled ‘Yes, the boys!’ before towelling himself off with a sweat rag Paul Gallen used in July 2011.

Campaign advisers have told us to expect more.

More to come (obviously).