One Woman Project Shocked By Revelation There’s Actually 3 Billion Women

‘Hang on, what? There’s more than one? Well, this is a blow to our organisation’s name, that’s for sure,’ said Stephen McGuire (27), a ninth-year Arts student and a program leader for the One Woman Project.

The One Woman Project, founded in 2013, is a crucial organisation that seeks provide youth-oriented education about global gender issues. And it’s particularly admirable, given they believe there is only ‘one woman.’

For an organisation to fight so hard for gender equality, when they believe there is only one person from the other gender, is an example of courage and bravery the likes of which have only previously been seen on the Western Front, or maybe during Avengers: Endgame. But today, members of the One Woman Project are absolutely reeling from the shocking revelation that there’s actually like, well over three billion women in the world.

‘I’m speechless, to be honest,’ said Matilda Maddison (20), a second-year Commerce student who bizarrely didn’t think of herself as the ‘one woman.’

‘I’d always heard rumours that there was more than one woman, but I didn’t dare believe it.’

‘It just completely changes the scope of our organization,’ said McGuire in an exclusive interview with The Obiter. ‘Now, we can advocate for billions of people worldwide. Previously, we thought we were just doing this on behalf of one extremely grateful woman.’

Our investigation team found it difficult to establish just who the organisation’s members meant when they referred to the ‘one woman,’ but after tireless effort, we were able to weasel an answer out of Matilda.

‘Well, it’ll sound stupid now,’ she said, walking out of BBC where a group of Year 10s who will happily share nudes without consent, and call women ‘sluts’ to their faces, have just signed a pledge of commitment to equal pay between the genders.

‘But I always thought the one woman was Whoopi Goldberg. And I thought it was weird we didn’t hear from her more, given our whole organisation was about promoting her, the One Woman. It’s why we had our Sister Act fundraiser in New Farm Park.’

Regardless, the members of this organisation now have a spring in their step, knowing there’s actually billions of women worldwide. Stephen McGuire was last seen skipping off to a GPS school, ready to tell a room full of would-be date rapists that ‘yo, consent is cool,’ and ‘if she says no, then you say oh, I respect that, that’s lit, fam.’

More to come from this fascinating revelation - it’ll be big when the Salvation Army finds out the Salvation War ended in 1978.

‘That’ll Do It!’ Thinks Tony Abbott Basing Election Strategy on ‘The Producers’

‘Surely that’s done it,’ thought former Prime Minister Tony Abbott as he put the finishing touches on his plan.

The Warringah member’s election strategy developed late last year. Growing tired of unfair coverage of his unblemished record, Abbott decided to hit the surf for a thinky. Though, after getting stung on his massive ding dong by a unionist jellyfish, the ex-PM decided to settle on the couch and watch a movie instead.

It was then that his gay lesbian sister recommended her favourite.

‘Let’s watch The Producers.’

Tony, well aware that musicals were for gaybies, was too exhausted from the CMFEU’s targeted jelly attack to fight back.

As the credits of Mel Brooks’ satirical masterpiece rolled, Abbott sat in stunned silence. This was it. This was the strategy.

‘The Producers’ involved a plot concocted by Max Bialystock to intentionally produce a terrible flop of a show in order to avoid auditing of investments. The goal was to create the worst show ever made and escape from the trappings of Broadway.

Abbott promptly adopted this strategy for his re-election campaign. If he could run the worst possible campaign he would be able to escape politics, collect his generous retirement package, and avoid a thorough auditing of his campaign’s finances.

The plan was going well. Abbott had drafted former popular Olympian and barrister Zali Steggall to run against him, promising to buy her an ice-cream if she beat him. He then made sure to highlight his role in the toppling of Malcolm Turnbull, before acting like an absolute cooked unit at primary schools. ‘You think I like onions? Fuck no. I’m not the Grinch,’ Abbott wrote in his secret scheme diary, that The Obiter found left on Sydney’s northern beaches.

However, despite his efforts, Abbott is still considered an outside chance to retain his seat. ‘Time for the nuclear option,’ Abbott whispered to a lifesaving mannequin he keeps in his shower.

Late last night, Abbott snuck into the home of beloved Aussie icon Bob Hawke and smothered him with a list of his legislative accomplishments. Hawke easily survived that, so Abbott drowned him in a bathtub of sunscreen. ‘Tax that, Bobert,’ Abbott snarled.

Abbott ran home in an impressive 21.2 minutes, before quickly jumping on his Twitter to seal the deal.

‘Libby libby heart, Labby head,’ Tony scrawled onto his PC (Macs are gay). Pressing enter and sitting back with a smile of relief, Abbott knew that this genius move, on election eve, would ensure that his Producers arc was complete.

‘Springtime for Tony,’ he laughed.

‘Springtime for Tony.’

No more to come.

'This Ain't It Hun, X' Found To Be Most Devastating Weapon In The Left-Wing Political Arsenal

Brisbane City reverberated today with a blast that rocked this river town to its very foundations of blood, sweat, and XXXX fucking Gold.

Someone had just dropped a bomb.

But not a bomb of shrapnel, or a bomb of compressed gases which explode. Someone just dropped a god-damn truth bomb. And it didn’t come in the form of a well-reasoned argument, or an explanation, or any sort of enlightening, illuminating evidence.

It came in the most dangerous phrase in the English language. The phrase that turns the brave and courageous into the meek and reticent, and the phrase that turns men into boys, and #girlbosses into everyday women.

In the middle of a heated conversation on Twitter, Brisbane pedestrian.tv contributor and Labor volunteer, Red Hill’s Laura Schicofske hit back to an admittedly bizarre point about why Pete Buttigieg is the kid from Stuart Little grown up with the most devastating weapon the world has ever seen.

‘This ain’t it hun, x.’

Woah.

Put away the nuclear weapons, Richard Nixon. Or should I say, put away the strongest tool in your political arsenal, miscellaneous left-wing person on Twitter.

As the argument rages on, a city tries to forget. The sharp simplicity of ‘this ain’t it,’ screaming to the reader that this simply isn’t it.

The faux-familiarity of ‘hun,’ which hides a deep undercurrent of aggression.

And to cap it all off, the cherry on top of the sundae of this rhetorical grenade, the single letter ‘x.’ Such meaning. Such power. Never forget this day.

No more to come at all, ever.

'Greens In The Senate, Libs In The House!' Says Woman Who Doesn't Want Noosa Beach House Underwater In 2027

‘Yeah, I care about climate change, but sensible economic management is crucial too,’ said Sarah Huntington-Lee (37), a young business superstar with an unparalleled passion for social liberalism and economic conservatism. Sarah, who serves as both the CFO and CEO of her own management consulting firm, ‘SHL,’ is a proud eco-conservative, or as others would put it, ‘a genuine hypocrite.’

At the ballot box at Graceville State School, Sarah was stuck with the unenviable task of having to balance her honestly-held belief in the importance of climate action, along with her deeply-held beliefs that the Liberal Party are just better economic managers.

‘Plus, those sweaty Labor hacks are from unions, and unions are practically the devil,’ thought Sarah as he filled out her ballot, remembering the wise words of her father, who described unions as ‘lazy bums’ and ‘fuckwits,’ all the while enjoying a 5-day work week and the ability to take a sick day.

All this manifested in Sarah’s delectable final decision. Tugging on her frayed Ralph Lauren sweater, with fresh tumeric latte flowing through her veins, she knew what was right.

‘Greens in the Senate, Liberals in the House!’ she exclaimed in an exclusive post-vote interview with The Obiter.

‘Bill Shorten can’t get his hands on my Noosa beach house, but I also don’t want said beach house to be flooded by seawater and rotting fish carcasses when climate change inevitably comes knocking on the door. So my vote makes perfect sense!’

Ignoring the raw hypocrisy in her decision, Sarah walked with a spring in her step to Goodness Gracious Cafe at Graceville, to meet with her friends and discuss the issues of the day, whilst avoiding the gaze of the cafe worker who almost certainly voted for Bill and his penalty rates.

‘I just don’t think you deserve extra for working on a Sunday,’ she told us, before we made up an excuse to leave and go watch John Wick 3 (joke’s on her though, it’s a sick movie).

Intriguing. We’ll have to follow the adventures of this eco-Tory more closely!

More to come.

Perspective: I’m Young, I Voted Liberal, And I Did It Because My Dad Told Me To

On Sunday morning, many Australians found themselves staring into their morning coffee wondering at what point the Labor Party lost the unlosable election. Unless you were a Greens voter, in which case your morning tumeric latte was vocally moaning about the electoral return of ‘ScoMo’!

Betting agencies had paid in favour of a Labor win days in advance, and even the Liberal leader called the election win a ‘miracle.’ And as a Pentecostal Christian, Mr Morrison knows a thing or two about miracles.

I am a young, female, Victorian, inner city dweller, but I made the decision to give my vote to the Liberal Party, as I have since the 2013 election, the first time I voted. I walked to the ballot box proud, with a smile on my face, glad to be participating in the democratic process and making my unique voice heard.

However, the elation I experienced on Sunday morning over the Liberal win was short-lived. According to social media, I am scared, uneducated, a bigot, should be ashamed, have condemned this planet to burn, pathetic, not a feminist, probably hate gays, hate minorities, and probably want to stop women having access to abortions.

Of course, none of this is true. I simply voted how my Dad told me to vote.

I’m not a bigot, I just listen to my father, Mark, who is a senior executive with KPMG and has a ‘good business head’ on his shoulders. Who wouldn’t listen to a legend like that?

Wandering around the streets of Melbourne, I was sad that many people saw Liberal voters as a negative influence on this country. Not all of us are actually right wing – some of us simply vote according to how our wealthy parents tell us to vote.

I would like our nation to take a collective deep breath and hear me out, please. I would like to remind Australians that some of us have a father who works for KPMG, and a mother that works as a periodontist, that support us through our Commerce studies at the University of Melbourne, with an unspoken arrangement whereby we receive weekly bank transfers of $550 that we both pretend does not occur.

We who voted for the Coalition did not vote out of fear, nor naivety, bigotry or anger. Rather, we voted with our parents, because what is in their economic interest is ultimately in ours. considering we rely on them for subsidies.

We voted with our parents in the hope that by pleasing them, they would be proud of us and tell us that they loved us.

Labor supporters, I am sorry you were left blindsided and heartbroken. But here’s one for you - get some better parents. They will show you the way.

‘Rip it, lick it, stick it. Listen to your ‘rents. Never forget the Northern Beaches.’ The LNP slogan for their 2019 campaign was far more insightful than they ever truly realised.

More to come from my perspective.

Man Shocked By LNP Success In Queensland Also Shocked By Ocean Alley ‘Mystery Aussie Act’ Revelation

Splendour In The Grass organisers have today announced that their ostensibly ‘much-anticipated mystery Australian band’ is mediocre Triple J rotation act Ocean Alley, surprising absolutely nobody, except for one man. The most easily shocked man in the country.

Fourth-year Arts/Commerce student, and local career idiot, Damien Bolton (21).

Sources say the Macklemore fan was ‘absolutely levelled’ by the revelation, and was said to be ‘keen to see the Ocean Alley boys rip it up! Yew!’ He also couldn’t wait to ‘chuck some shakas in the air’ during the set by American renaissance man, Childish Gambino.

The Ocean Alley surprise was a welcome one for Bolton, who was left absolutely gutted by the Federal election just a few days ago.

‘I just can’t believe rural Queenslanders would betray the nation like that,’ said a visibly shaken Bolton in an exclusive interview with The Obiter on Saturday night.

‘Why would a bunch of happy clappers in mining country vote for a conservative Christian who brought coal into parliament? Why are they like this?!’ he moaned, but not in a hot way.

While the Labor loss left Bolton devastated, the absolute shock of Ocean Alley’s Splendour appearance has him looking forward to the future.

‘I mean that’s life isn’t it? Just twists and turns all the way, hey? Haha. What’s next? David Bowie dying? Bill Cosby a rapist? Haha. Nah no way cobber, comedians can’t be rapists.’

Way more to come.

Newly-Appointed Master of Coin Bronn Floats Franking Credits Reform

The Small Council of Westeros has seen a major reshuffle after a leadership change late yesterday rocked the power dynamics of the capital.

Daenerys Targaryen’s reign will be remembered as one of the shortest in recent memory, after her inner circle changed allegiances in a spill on the floor of the Throne Room.

The new leader, Bran the Really Fucking Broken, is a political novice who supporters hope can unite the realm around his good looks,  boyish charm and ability to get inside the minds of disengaged citizens.

The young King’s first task was to choose his council. In a surprise choice, former cutthroat Bronn of Highgarden has been named Master of Coin.

Yielding limited fiscal experience, Bronn begun his first economic summit by floating a fairly divisive idea.

‘M’lords, I spent the weekend looking at it and it does seem to me that this whole franking credits business is a bit of a gift.’

The declaration sent shivers through the council chambers. Cash refunds for franking credits was how many Westerosi common folk funded their retirement. Many pensioners in Westeros, some as old as 38, depended on these credits.

Not to be deterred by conventional political wisdom, Bronn pushed his case. ‘It just feels like we have this generous social welfare scheme that Lord Baelish enacted and to keep that in place without reigning in these credits isn’t sustainable.’

Behind closed doors, party insiders say this is a mistake. ‘He’s showing he’s new to this,’ one unnamed and unarmed source told The Obiter.

‘Attempts to close the franking credit loophole have been politically toxic in Westeros since before Aerys.’

Bronn today released figures explaining that the refund costs the Crown more than expenditure on City Watch, armada and mega dragon rapid fire spears combined.

‘This is fiscally irresponsible and economically misguided,’ Bronn said in a conference many inside the Red Keep have described as amateurish.

‘He has no clue what he’s doing,’ a well-regarded economist explained. ‘Bronn is trying to reach into your pockets and grab what is yours. It’s a tax, nothing more nothing less.’

King Broken Little Bran Boy was reportedly negotiating a peace treaty between the First Men and the Children of the Forest when asked to comment on the supposed incompetency of a senior master.

‘He’s doing exactly what he must.’

More to come.

Bill Shorten Calls Steve Smith To Ask About Reverse Swing

In the wake of his crushing electoral defeat, and personal inability to continue on as the leader of the Australian Labor Party, the husband of Chloe Shorten (also known as ‘Bill’) has engaged in some serious soul-searching these past two days.

The swing that was promised, the swing that would deliver Labor a parliamentary majority, and would deliver Bill the famed Prime Ministership, failed to eventuate, and in fact, a number of key electorates swung away from the Labor Party. They swung toward the Liberal Party, in a way many commentators are describing as ‘unorthodox,’ ‘atypical,’ or even ‘reverse.’

On Monday morning, grappling with this so-called political concept of ‘reverse swing,’ the husband of Chloe Shorten called the foremost expert in the field.

Steven Peter Devereux Smith.

Once Australia’s beloved Test cricket captain, Smith had disgraced his reputation in Cape Town, 2018, as he oversaw a team policy of using sandpaper on one side of the ball to generate ‘reverse swing.’ Reverse swing, in the cricket context, comes about when one side of the ball is so rough that air flows faster over the smooth side, causing the ball to ‘swing’ in the direction of the smooth side.

This is in contrast to conventional swing, which tends to both a) deliver the ALP the Federal Election, and b) swing away from the shiny side, and is more dependent on wrist and seam position.

‘Billy, how can I help?’ said Steven, answering the call of the Opposition Leader.

‘I told you, Steve, it’s Chloe Shorten’s Husband. That’s the legal name on my passport now. Anyway, I had to ask - is there any way to predict reverse swing? If I see reverse swing coming again, is there anyway to reverse the reverse?’

‘Unfortunately, Shorten, there isn’t,’ replied Steven, much to Chloe Shorten’s husband’s annoyance. ‘You can take an off-stump guard and try to cover your stumps the best you can, to prevent the inswinger, but then you’re a real risk of edging to the keeper or the cordon.’

‘Well then, how about conditions? What makes reverse swing happen?’ pressed Shorten.

‘The ball needs to be roughed up, so reverse swing tends to happen in hotter, drier climates, like country Queensland,’ said Steven, confirming Shorten’s worst fears.

Muttering something about ‘fucking Queensland,’ Chloe Shorten’s husband hung up, and poured himself a tall glass of Mountain Blast Powerade. It was going to be a long Monday.

No more to come.

‘Why Didn’t They Vote For Us?’ Cries Greens Volunteer Who Called Every Longman Resident The C Word

‘I just don’t understand,’ wept 22-year old Greens volunteer Amy O’Rourke.

‘How could Queenslanders not vote Green?’

The International Relations student was shocked and devastated by the results of Saturday’s federal election, especially after all of the hard work she had put into persuading central and northern Queensland voters of the benefits of voting Green.

Amy deferred uni for the semester so she could join Bob Brown on his anti-Adani caravan trip. ‘I don’t know what it was that turned these people off,’ pontificated O’Rourke, who managed to call every voter in the Longman electorate a ‘capitalist c**t’ over the course of the trip.

‘It’s so strange that they didn’t come with us after we made the effort to drive north and explain why Adani is an evil fucking hellhole that they should be willing to accept unemployment for, because they didn’t get smart and go to uni like me and my friends.’

‘It’s not Adam Bandt’s fault you don’t know how to read.’

The loss is still sinking in for Amy, who at one point threw an iced green into a potential supporter’s face because he asked how the Greens intended to pay for all their policy proposals.

‘Fucking coal muncher,’ Amy screamed before singing ‘Fight Song’ with her fellow activists.

The mystery of the Greens’ failure to win the hearts and minds of rural Queenslander workers will no doubt be the subject of many a political autopsy in the coming weeks.

More to come.

‘How To Do LinkedIn?’ Googles Tony Abbott

Outgoing member for Warringah, and former Prime Minister, Tony Abbott has found himself out of a job after losing the seat he held for a quarter of a century.

The divisive ex-pollie has now woken up to the prospect of finding a job, a task he reportedly believes is ‘a bit of a fucking chore.’

‘I’ve been told by my daughters that I need to link in?’ a confused Abbott told The Obiter.

‘I need to link in on the line? And the boss man find the link and links in too? It’s all a bit linky for my liking. I’d rather be out there, shaking some hands, and being with the commonfolk.’

The Sydneysider was seen earlier today balancing a laptop on his knee on the beach, muttering that he had gotten ‘sand in his resume.’

‘The Link In is now covered in salt,’ Abbott whinged. ‘The salty water is in the link. I need a photo to link to connections it says here.’

Abbott proceeded to smash his keyboard in a Hulk-like manner.

‘Siri, make the link make me a job please. I wish to become a second-year paralegal, or failing that, an administrative officer. Please, Siri!’

At press time, Abbott was attempting to send an email to George Pell asking if he could set him up with an altar boy gig.

More to come.