Antony Green Runs Through Guard Of Honour To Emerge On Electoral Playing Field

Under the rousing tunes of Green Day’s ‘Jesus of Suburbia,’ Australian electoral expert and the human version of the Wood Frog (which freezes 65% of itself over winter), Antony Elizabeth Green, sprinted into the roaring crowd in the ABC studios to provide his ultimate service to the nation, a service he provides rarely, but incredibly efficiently and skilfully.

The service is simple, but dangerously effective in the right hands, and effectively dangerous in the wrong ones. It’s providing commentary next to cute data schematics.

Talk about democracy manifest, Mr Succulent Chinese Meal Guy! This is Antony manifest, and by God, does it look beautiful.

Ever since he was exposed to radiation in a freak cardboard polling booth accident in 1985, Mr Green has been the face of the election, more so than ScoMo or the other guy, or the other bigger guy with the yellow signs.

We know politics!

And tonight on the ABC, the guard of honour, formed by the corpses of cryogenically frozen former Prime Ministers and captains of the Australian cricket team (comfortably the two most important jobs in this nation), will form in resplendent fashion for Green, as he charges into the electoral playing field with two fresh tattoos on each fist.

One fist reads ‘Facts.’ The other reads ‘Matter.’ The third reads ‘why the fuck do I have a third fist?’ We wouldn’t bother to ask, because the King never gives a straight answer.

But what he does give is a relentless sense of brilliance in electoral analysis.

More to come.

Wake Up Sheeple! Labor Killed Bob Hawke To Win The Election

A near-unanimously adored former Labor prime minister dies mere days before a very close election, potentially sending a not-insignificant number of swing voters into the Labor camp on a tidal wave of nostalgia.

So very convenient, isn’t it?

If only it were that simple.

The evidence is damning, and it points in one direction only: the damn dirty lefties in the ALP have murdered their favourite son in their bloodthirsty quest for power.

There is simply no other explanation for passing of an 89 year old famed for significant alcohol consumption.

Yet another mischief perpetrated on the Australian people by Bodgy Bill and his lizard cronies.

‘Do It For Hawkie,’ Thinks Man About To Die Of Alcohol Poisoning Tonight

As Fraser Grant (23), the HR rep for a mid-tier consulting company, sipped on his fifth schooner on Friday afternoon, a thought crossed his mind. A thought which would sum up his attitude to the evening’s frivolities, and a thought that has a very decent chance of leading him into the realm of alcohol poisoning.

‘Do it for Hawkie.’

Signalling to his mates that he’d get the next round, and mentioning that they ‘could be in for a big one tonight fellas,’ Fraser walked to the bar, with the inescapable thought bouncing around his head.

‘Do it for Hawkie.’

The news of the legendary Prime Minister’s death has affected millions of Australians, and none moreso than those who view Hawke as a titan of this country’s greatest pastime: having an honest beer.

For all his brilliant economic reforms, and his unparalleled capacity to reach both sides of the aisle whilst never losing his warmth and understanding for all Australians, Bob Hawke will forever be remembered as the lifelong Prince of Piss, the Emperor of the Empties, and the Tsar of Tsome beers.

And that undeniable Hawke legacy will weasel its way into the mind of Fraser tonight, as he returned to the table with four pints in hand.

‘We doing pints then, Frase?’ asked Harry du Veidt, the South African colleague who surprises everyone when he actually comes out for a beer.

‘Yeah mate, it’s what Hawkie would’ve wanted! Drink up boys, I’ve got a feeling we could be settling in for a long night.’

Whether Fraser makes it home at midnight and falls asleep on the couch in his wrecked shirt, or whether he’s found facedown in a gutter in the Valley slowly dying of alcohol poisoning and cirrhosis of the liver, we know one thing for sure.

Whenever a beer touches the lips of an Australian, Bob Hawke is always watching. And that’s the true promise for all Australians.

Vale. More to come.

'Tax The Rich, But Also Just Give Them $60 000 With Our Free Uni Policy,' Thinks Confident Greens MP

Arthur Bensington-Whiteley (33), the Greens candidate for Ryan, sat back in his desk and sighed contentedly, sipping on a short long black from his Frank Green reusable coffee cup.

He’d just written up a great policy memorandum, briefing his staffers on how to discuss the Greens’ chief education policy initiative: free university to all Australians. An enormously appealing policy to young Australians, this fresh approach would eradicate the current HECS system, and ensure tuition payment for all who seek tertiary education.

‘Um, dare I say, woke?’ he typed, chuckling to himself as he delicately employed youthful slang in the memo to his youthful team.

Arthur himself felt the cold grip of HECS debt around his neck, or at least he would have had he not enjoyed the benefit of having parents who told him ‘don’t worry, mate, we’ll cough up’ when he announced the fees for his Bachelor of Arts/Bachelor of Commerce at UQ.

But free uni definitely would’ve helped alleviate the burden of his parents, thought Arthur, reflecting on the heartbreaking time they could only go on one ski holiday in the second year of his degree.

Looking over his memo, Arthur particularly found himself struck by his own brilliance in his concluding phrase, which neatly summarised his approach: ‘Tax the rich, but also straight-up give them $60 000 with our free uni policy.’

‘Wowza. Hit the nail on the head with that one, Art!’ he yelled to no one in particular.

He couldn’t wait to get out to his electorate tomorrow, to sing the praises of a wealth transfer that saves upper-middle class families tens of thousands of dollars per year.

‘If there’s anything the wealthy need, it’s a little bit of their bloody burden alleviated!’ he was ready to yell in a suburban shopping centre, looking very slick in his open-necked checked shirt.

At the end of the day, the sort of platform that both decriminalises drugs, and then gives the middle class $60 000 to spend on coke over four years, is exactly the sort of platform that we at The Obiter genuinely love and cherish.

Vote Green. Way more to come!

Parents Who Named Their Children 'Qyburn' Really Miffed By Latest GoT Episode

This morning, parents across the globe have been gripped with fury at Game of Thrones showrunners, David Benioff and DB Weiss.

The decision of the ‘Double D’s’ to brutally kill off beloved member of the intelligentsia, Qyburn, has enraged those hundreds who have named their children after the gentle, curious scientific researcher.

‘It’s just fucking bullshit. This character who was the intelligent, logical voice in the show was mercilessly killed in a sadistic way. What am I going to tell my son, Qyburn Johnson?’ said Martha Johnson (48), a major Game of Thrones fan and Townsville resident.

‘And what’s he going to tell his son, Qyburn Jr?’

Martha named her firstborn son ‘Qyburn’ four years ago, in the halcyon days of Qyburn being the chief protagonist of Thrones, and having a story arc as compelling as it was inspiring to youth. Scientific experiments, political machinations, and ending up the Hand of the King? Sounds like Qyburn was a King’s Landing superstar.

And at the end of the day, to see such a brilliant character have their brilliant arc sacrificed on the altar of far-from-brilliant screenwriting, the blood simply boils!

We spoke with Qyburn Johnson forty years in the future, and he indicated that his name was a ‘pretty fucked one to have in Townsville.’ And in other news, Qyburn Jr has just been selected for the Townsville Blackhawks junior squad. Well done, son!

Thanks Australia, little more to come on this front.

Fund To Rebuild Red Keep Tower Raises $150 Million In One Hour

The destruction of the Red Keep has devastated the residents of King’s Landing, and lovers of architecture and history the world over.

On Monday, a fire raged through the ceiling of the historic building, before destabilising the structure so irreparably that the famous spire collapsed while horrified citizens watched on.

The attic of the Red Keep has long been considered a fire hazard, as it stores many old manuscripts and artefacts.

‘We are absolutely distraught about the destruction of the Red Keep,’ said the Office Manager of the complex Tim Jones.

‘But we will rebuild.’

A GoFund me page for the building’s restoration raised $150 million within one hour of launching. Numerous aristocratic Westerosi families donated sums in excess of several million each.

Westeros’ often forgotten Prime Minister (it’s like in England with both) Greg Smith was quick to assure the public that the Red Keep would be fully rebuilt ‘in five years.’

The stunning speed of fundraising has enraged many activists. ‘You know what destruction you don’t hear about?’ asked Westerosi Greens Party leader Lisa Stark (no relation). ‘The destruction of the middle class. The destruction of the Great Pentosi Reef. The destruction of ecosystems where the Highgarden Coal Mine is proposed to be built. It’s a disgrace.’

At press time, Stevie, a one-legged gay monkey with dyslexia, was barely able to raise $15 on his GoFund Me. Yet, the Red Keep had already surpassed HBO’s revenue goals for the quarter.

Looks like once again, the empathy of the whites is far less deep than their pockets.

Also, spoilers.

Freakishly Talented Rugby League Player Skips Cocaine Scandal, Goes Straight To Domestic Abuse

A fresh prodigy has been unearthed in the NRL this weekend, with Cronulla Sharks junior Matthew McFielding reportedly displaying ‘incredible, unbelievable talent,’ the likes of which have never been seen.

Matthew has absolutely blown past the typical goalposts of an NRL career, such as a publicised cocaine scandal, or a urine fetish incident, and has shown his prodigious skill by moving straight to horrific domestic abuse.

‘The kid’s a natural. We’ve never seen anyone like him,’ said Phil Gould, breathlessly, watching footage leaked by the NRL Integrity Unit of Matthew becoming sickeningly drunk, angry, and charging full-throttle into a violent altercation with his partner of two years at the Treasury Casino.

‘Some players learn over a number of years, and they become true ‘greats’ late in their career, by pretending to root their mate’s dog, or punching a bloke at a nightclub,’ shared rugby league legend Ray Warren in an interview with The Obiter.

‘But Matthew just has such brilliant instincts for the game, he knows where to be, he knows how the game will flow, and he knows that there is no CCTV at the Treasury Casino to catch him should he assault his partner.’

‘Oh hang on, I might have to check that last point,’ muttered Ray.

Queensland rugby league legend Les Kiss has refused to comment, instead informing The Obiter that we could meet him for a beer at his plaque outside Suncorp. Immediately doubting that ‘Les Kiss’ was a real name, we chose not to attend.

With Magic Round in the rearview mirror, and Matthew’s court date set for four weeks from now, punters are looking forward to infuriated conservative columnists preaching ‘burden of proof’ as Matthew has been suspended until his trial’s conclusion.

Truly, this kid is something else.

No more to come.

'Gee, Bit Cold This Morning!' Says Co-Worker Awkwardly Referring To His Brutal Divorce

The advent of Brisbane’s colder months certainly provides plenty of fodder for small talk in the office, but in some workplaces, the temperature can merely serve as a distraction from unwelcome personal crises. This was certainly the case this morning at Eagle St firm, Nicholson Hewitt & West, as mild-mannered Dispute Resolution associate, Nicholas Waters (37), grappled with his crumbling marriage.

‘Bit of unwelcome frost in the air this morning!’ declared Nicholas, cheerily marching into the office as if he hadn’t just sat through two hours of devastating relationship counselling, before a phone call with his divorce lawyer that placed the horror of his financial position into stark view.

For a fleeting moment, his co-workers hoped he was talking about the weather. First-year grad Rachel Howard (23) even attempted a half-hearted ‘Yeah, the weather’s really turned south recently!’

The office waited with breath bated, but their fears were not abated as Nicholas very quickly responded with a reproach as blunt as his divorce lawyer’s morning phone call.

‘No, Rachel, I’m talking about the abject failure of my relationship with the woman with whom I promised to spend the rest of my days.’

Silence fell across the cubicles, before a light chuckle from Nicholas served to lighten the mood for a moment, but then sink the mood even further as his co-workers began to see that, behind his eyes, there was no glimpse of good humor.

After all, we live in a society.

‘Gee, bit cold this morning though,’ he continued to chuckle, heading into his office to begin working on the Penske file.

The scariest thing about Nicholas’ slow breakdown isn’t that he’s trying to hide it, nor that he’s trying to make jokes about it.

It’s that there’s a criminal in The White House. And by the way - he’s the President of the United States.

Heaps more to come, how good.

Professor Flitwick Gets Fucking Creamed By Shoulder Charge At NRL Magic Round

‘Lily Potter couldn’t have saved him from that one!’

The words of Ray Warren rung out across the Suncorp Stadium commentary box after witnessing perhaps the biggest Brute Big Hit of the year, dished out by Jason Taumalolo on a hapless Filius Flitwick in the opening game of the NRL Magic Round.

The Magic Round, a concept by which NRL teams take on groups of magicians in a series of rugby league matches played at Suncorp, has proved a boon to both Muggle and wizarding tourism.

Taumalolo’s North Queensland Cowboys demolished Flitwick’s ragtag team of witches and wizards, 364-1, in what was truly magical viewing. The one point scored by the witches and wizards was via an incredibly optimistic field goal by Elphias Doge in the 79th minute.

While the NRL publicly stated for weeks their Magic Round would simply involve every match in Round 9 being played at Suncorp Stadium, a single question has dominated discussion amongst fans for weeks leading up to the event.

‘What’s with the Magic?’

NRL CEO and fucking filthy Squib, Todd Greenberg, finally answered that question on Monday, revealing the Cowboys-Magicians fixture that went down last night.

While questions remained about why this event was even happening, much more pertinent questions have been raised by media figures since the announcement, namely ‘How did Todd Greenberg successfully bring to life a whole team of characters from a fictional children’s story?’

The question remains unanswered, but it has been confirmed that wizards are shit with the pill, and have no courage or organisation in defence. The game management skills of Flitwick left plenty to be desired.

Turns out magic won’t save you when you’ve got a 122kg Logan native running at you, and you’re a fucking midget.

More to come from this brilliant move by the NRL.

Fuckup Son Really Missing His Primary School Mothers’ Day Stall Doing All The Work For Him

Third-year UQ Science Student, and all round fuck up, Matthew Craster (20), is reeling today from the realisation that the P&F Committee of Jimboomba State School will never again do all his work for him.

Only this morning realising that Mothers’ Day is upon him, Matthew has desperately been searching for an adequate present to thank his mother Sandra for her years of love and support, whilst also not breaching the $20 mark.

‘I just don’t have the kind of coin to be making a big splash right now,’ said Matthew in a prepared statement at press time. The statement surprised many of the journalists in attendance, who had personally witnessed his $149 spend at Friday’s just two weeks ago.

In a lengthy address, Cook criticised the lack of support from primary school P&F organisations around the country for 20-something year old men.

‘Back in the ‘Boomba, I could snag a quality magnet set and scented candle from the stall for like $11 and I’d be cruising. But now, I just don’t have that kind of support.’

‘The mug I was scoping out today at Target was like $13 - pretty steep! And didn’t even have a wholesome slogan on it like the stall ones.’

Questioned on the adequacy of his objectively awful gift, Cook stated ‘I guess I’m just hoping that my years of ineptitude academically, socially and financially will lower her expectations enough that she finds joy in a mug.’

The press stood and applauded.

Keep fighting the good fight Matty boy. Plenty more to come.