If you think I’m writing an entire article running off this gag you’re a fucking idiot.
“Roadkill is a Fact of Country Life!” Garbles James McGrath Through Mouthful of Cockatoo
Queensland Senator James McGrath has sunk himself deeper into controversy during a misguided attempt to justify his online boast of killing a flock of cockatoos.
While the Facebook post at issue was condemned by many, McGrath’s unprecedented move of taking a big old bite out of a mangled Cockatoo corpse during the ensuing press conference has sparked genuine questions about his sanity.
Famed for his incredible ability to toe the party line and do literally nothing else of value in any other area of his life, the habitual bird murderer elicited audible gasps and one cheer as he tore the flesh from Polly’s hollow bones.
“Polly wanna *crunch* stop triggered lefties *crunch* ruining Australia” read a visibly confused McGrath in a prepared statement, occasionally taking a moment to spit out shards of beak.
While it may appear that Mr McGrath has quite simply lost his mind, theories have emerged that the former Boris Johnson staffer is simply playing the political game in the long leadup to the next election. Indeed, the family of cockatoos were tipped by pundits to be a major threat to Mr McGrath’s next bid for preselection, with their natural ability to memorise and repeat mindless phrases ad nauseum a perfect fit in the Liberal campaign strategy.
But ya can’t be in the upper house when you’re fuckin dead can ya, ya dumb birds.
More to come.
Report: Hot Guy At UQ Wearing A Button-Up Shirt With AirPods To Match
You’ve heard the rumours. You’ve seen the Stalkerspace posts. Heck, you’re might’ve read about it in a print newspaper.
But The Obiter can now confirm, after an extensive and expensive ground investigation, that the reports are true: there is indeed a hot guy at UQ wearing a button-up shirt with AirPods to match.
He looks so good. The shirt, covered in buttons done all the way to the one just shy of the top, is a crisp white. It doesn’t show off, it doesn’t shout at you - it winks like an old friend. Not an uncle wink - a friendly comfortable wink. That’s the shirt. That’s the buttons.
The AirPods - please for the love of your chosen religion’s God don’t get us started. They sit in the ears like white lily pads upon a pond of sound. The sound qual - high. The expectations of this stylish man - high.
There’s just an energy about him. It’s not just that he looks good: he feels good.
He’s also reportedly really nice. That’s just awesome.
Good on you. You’ve really turned up today and had a go. It’s fantastic to see. Well done.
If you get the chance, check him out.
[SPONSORED POST] The Obiter Is Proud To Endorse No One For UQ Senate. Unrelated: Peter Hoj Is Hot
*In the interests of transparency, The Obiter must reveal that this post is sponsored. The payment was made in Danish Krone*
The UQ Senate elections began today and no one cares.
After carefully reviewing the candidates and their statements (i.e. their names), The Obiter is proud to endorse absolutely fucking none of them.
They all seem like naughty children who wouldn’t know passive compliance if it came and smacked them on the bottom. Which, we might add, their parents should have from a young age!
At a cursory glance, it is obvious that neither the deranged Hong Kong one, the hot hacky one, nor the confederacy of others are anywhere near capable of blindly following the University’s light jog towards corporate abundance.
*We must stress again the heavily sponsored nature of this post.*
On an unrelated note, how hot is Peter Hoj?
Glasses? Yep. Cute elf-like accent? You better believe it. Sexy hunk ability to tear down your fucking theatre? That’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it.
Anyway, the Senate. Boo, they suck, let’s talk more about the Chancellor. Take a Chance-llor on me! The J in his name will be the only thing that’s silent tonight.
He is so brave and awesome. What a guy. Who needs a dumb Senate when you have Hoj. Hot, hot Hoj.
Exchange Student Finally Discovers That 'What School Did You Go To?' Is Not A Good Conversation Starter
Student exchange is all about finding yourself through new experiences, or something like that. A considerable part of that is making new discoveries and realisations.
And probably the most important of such discoveries was made by Joselph Glardy in his second week at Lionel University in Klugoblaskia, Eastern Europe.
Although probably 50% of his exchange cohort are Australians, Joselph (the 's' is silent) has been shocked to realise the time-tested question of 'What School Did You Go To?' when you meet someone means absolutely nothing unless you happened to grow up in the same city, and even then its a pretty bullshit question.
Conversations are usually as such:
'You Aussie?'
'Yeah.'
'Oh cool, what school did you go to?'
'Armidale Grammar.’
'Cool.'
'You?'
'St Blues School for Gifted Youngsters.'
'Oh yeah, where's that?'
'Casino.'
'Where's that?'
'Like near Grafton.’
'Where's that?'
'You know what, let's just say Sydney'.
'Oh yeah cool love Sydney. Bondi is unreal.’
Conversation ends.
This question is even more pointless for citizens of other countries, because then you don't even have a city within the nearest 1000km to pretend your town/school was just outside of.
In the end, the ol’ ‘WSDYGT’ shall remain reserved solely for the first day of first-year uni, unless you went to Terrace or All Hallows, ‘cause apparently those fuckers are everywhere.
McDonald’s Release ‘The Greta Thunberger’ In Misguided Attempt To Jump On The Climate Train
In a move that has been slammed by climate activists as ‘plain obvious’, McDonald’s today announced the release of their new limited range menu item, the Greta Thunberger.
‘Progress never tasted so good,’ read the tagline on first round of marketing for the meal.
The burger, confusingly, is not even close to vegetarian and consists of two beef patties. ‘Greta’s not the only one whose got beef with the lack of action on climate,’ Acting McDonald’s CEO Grimace told a crowded press conference.
The Obiter understands that no one from Ms Thunberg’s climate action group gave anything close to permission for this deranged burger to be added to the menu. ‘
I mean, obviously there’s bigger issues at play here,’ said a source close to the 16-year old environmental activist. ‘It’s just weird, more than anything.’
In response to the comment, McDonald’s tweeted, ‘you ain’t the only source close to Thunberg. That’d be BBQ!’
More to come.
Wallabies Win Lulls Nation Into Pre-9/11-Esque False Sense Of Security
A 39-21 triumph by the XXXX Wallabies over the flying Fijians in their opening fixture of the Rugby World Cup has convinced more than a few Australians that everything is ‘probably going to be alright,’ in a manner not dissimilar to the ‘she’ll be right’ attitude that dominated international politics pre-9/11.
Prior to September 2001, and after the fall of the Berlin Wall, there was a pervasive sense throughout international security climates that everything would probably just work out. After the destruction of WWII and the tension of the Cold War, dawn broke on the new millennium with a sense of optimism not seen for years.
And it’s that sense of optimism that is heartbreakingly returning to the most one-eyed of Wallabies supporters, as a scratchy win over Fiji is being taken as some sort of ‘dawn of a new era’, and a bizarre guarantee that the backrow combination of two opensides will work more efficiently than the CIA security services did in discovering Bin Laden’s plot to reign fiery terror upon the Western world.
You can hear it in the voice of Rod Kafer, an Al Gore-esque figure who thought the biggest concern was refundable education tax credits, rather than massive security issues, much like Kafer being more concerned with Beale’s body language rather than Nic White’s clear lack of readiness for World Cup footy.
And you can see it in the eyes of Cheika, the George W. of this outfit, who has an almost childlike amount of faith in his own ability to overcome a crisis. Listen up, Michael. This is not your year. And no amount of individual brilliance can overcome that.
No more to come on this pretty dud idea, that was somehow executed in a poorer way than it was conceived (two stars).
Brazzers Launch ‘Fake DiDi’ To Undercut Fake Taxi Industry
Porn empire Brazzers have today unveiled plans to roll out new Fake DiDi service catering to those who want a cheaper wank. At market close the price of wanking had reached a record breaking $7.66 a pop.
Brazzers spokesperson Caitlin Sandersson told our reporters that the new service was sure to disrupt the industry in what could be the biggest paradigm shift since the formation of the dead hand gang.
Fake DiDi is being marketed as ‘a more woke choice for porn viewers everywhere’ as it will be the first rideshare porn genre to feature queer and racially diverse drivers. Despite these triumphs, it is reported that most of the initial dialogue will still follow the initial tropes of “busy night?”, “so how long have you been doing this for?” and “haha how bad does corro traffic get sometimes aye”.
Some punters have also voiced concern over the ties that Fake DiDi have with the Chinese government especially regarding privacy. These fears were however addressed head on by the Porn giant in a statement to the media.
‘Now of course in order to provide cheap wanks we have had to deal directly with the CCP. As a result all data collected surrounding the use of a Fake DiDi will be reported directly to Xi Jingping.’
While this explicit data mining is expected to impact the initial expansion of the service many sinners are unphased.
‘Look if I can get the price of my wanks down to $2.43 with a promo code I’ll happily cop eye contact with a Chinese government agent through my front camera.’ Said impoverished student Cole O’Driscoll
Free Hong Kong more like free my dong am I right?
More to come.
One Remaining Student In Class Didn’t End Up Learning Anything, Anyway
Richie McWalters is, for his age, staunchly determined to receive an education, so much so that he attended school on the last day of term instead of attending a climate strike.
His key argument was in line with what his father told him over their nightly TV dinner, that kids around the world are missing out on the most valuable day of education, that of the last day of term where there is nothing to do, as opposed to joining the cry for climate action from those who have done nothing.
Blatantly ignoring the fact that 23 -year old relief teacher Ms Nindles has literally just put on their DVD copy of Benchwarmers for him and a few other kids in other classes to watch, Richie is very proud that his extra day of attendance will help so much in a future where he will fend off the millions of impoverished, homeless refugees and weekly bushfires with his ability to know what time it is on both analogue and digital watches.
Meanwhile, Ms Nindles is actually pretty shitty that she didn’t get to go attend the strike and had to cover for the real teacher who actually did.
More to come.
5th Year Law Student Drops Out After Realising He Could Never Defend Someone He Knew Was Guilty
Legal practitioners across Queensland have today been absolutely rocked by the revelation that 5th Year Arts/Law student and likely valedictorian Jared Pascoe has declined to continue his legal education.
In a prepared release, Pascoe stated that he “just couldn’t stand the idea of a guilty man walking free at [his] hand.”
Sources say the 23 year old HWL Ebsworth clerk became disillusioned with the profession following a conversation with his girlfriend’s cousin at a family catch up in late August. Amelia McFadden, the cousin in question, allegedly shuddered when told of Mr Pascoe’s career choice, before stating that “Oh geez, that’s cool and I get we need lawyers, but gee I don’t reckon I could ever defend a man I knew was guilty.”
Apparently, it was something Mr Pascoe had never even considered before.
Despite clerking in a property law capacity and having no ambitions to enter criminal defence, the mere thought of letting a grubby criminal off the hook was too much for Pascoe.
“Gee whiz it bloody makes your skin crawl doesn’t it? Not for me I guess. Anyway back to Arts I suppose.”
From all of us here at The Obiter, good luck Mr Pascoe.
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