In a world-first exclusive, the Obiter can confirm that Linda Chun's jumper is already covered in Shape's crumbs and chocolate stains at this early hour.
In other news, this writer doesn’t have time to write a full article.
Man Buys Lentils, Takes Rest of the Day Off
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
‘That’s enough work for today’ said Matthew Allport, as he cracked his knuckles and prepared himself for a big afternoon of leisure.
~~~
Local 22 year old Matthew Allport took a big step today, a step so big that he has no choice but to not take another step for the rest of the day.
Today Matthew made his first ever purchase of lentils, a commitment that ensures that he will put at least a little bit of effort into his cooking this week. And he’s absolutely exhausted just thinking about it.
‘Even just the word lentils scares me’ said Allport at a crowded press conference.
‘But there’s a point in every young person’s life where they have to buy lentils and start figuring out their fucking life, and I guess that day is today for me.’
However, the recent graduate says tonight ‘isn’t the night’ for the lentils to be prepared and consumed.
‘There’s only so much a man can do in one day, jesus. Get off my fucking back and let me watch my cardoons’ said an indignant Allport, before storming out of the press room.
Put your feet up and tuck into some Ed, Edd and Eddy Matty boy, you’ve earned it.
Report: That Captcha Was Actually Pretty Hard
The Obiter is able to confirm reports circulating today that will send shockwaves through the fields of business, technology and philosophy: that captcha was actually pretty hard, hey.
The Obiter has gained access to an exclusive interview with Mitchell Feeney (22), the whistleblower at the centre of the unfolding scandal.
‘Yeah look, like, that was pretty hard hey’ said Australia’s answer to Bob Woodward at press time.
‘Like, these bloody computers must be getting pretty good if I have to pick parking meters out of that. You can hardly see the bloody thing!’
Thank you for your bravery, Mr Feeney, and god speed.
No more to come.
Scientific Study Confirms Person At Front Of Lights Has Slowest Reflexes In The World
Panic! On Corro Drive has begun as local motorists are coming to grips with human error. After one Kia Cerato driver failed to accelerate quickly after lights turned green, drivers behind them erupted into a fit of rage.
However, this distress is not unexpected. In an Obiter exclusive interview, we can reveal that this frustrating phenomenon is actually because the universe has a grotesque fucking sense of humour.
CSIRO papers have explained the inextricable link between those drivers that slow down, instead of speeding up when a yellow lights hit, and slow reaction times when the light goes green.
Local driver, Caitlin Zhang, is incredulous. “Fucking makes sense. I’ve seen glaciers move faster than drivers at the front.”
Obiter reveals that even if there was more to come, we won’t find out until those scientists get out of the Corro Drive traffic.
Olivia Rodrigo Drops Hit Follow-Up Single: 'forklift license'
I got my forklift license last week
Like we always talked about
Placing pallets precisely
Gonna pull a sick fuckin burnout
~~~
Teen pop sensation Olivia Rodrigo today fulfilled her rabid fans’ wishes by dropping the hotly anticipated follow-up to her smash hit singles ‘drivers license’ and ‘deja vu’.
The 18 year old, who told Pitchfork last week that she removed the shift and caps lock keys on her laptop, released ‘forklift license’, a 22-minute epic about her three days of training to get a Queensland forklift license.
The inspirational track serves as an anthem for fuckers who pick shit up with two big prongs and plonk them on shelves.
‘I guess after the heartbreak of ‘drivers license’, I really wanted to have a song about empowerment‘ said Rodrigo in an interview with The Obiter’s youth affiliate, Triple O.
Rodrigo, who was dumped by her ex-boyfriend because he was sick of driving her fucking everywhere, a story which inspired her first single, says she will continue to be inspired by her everyday life.
‘This song really takes inspiration from when I was at One Stop Forklift Training Brisbane for those three days in December 2016’ said Rodrigo to Triple O.
‘But I like to think it’s more universal than that.’
It certainly is, Liv.
No more to come.
Man's LinkedIn Photo Clearly Taken At Funeral
Norm Parker’s funeral was a difficult but cathartic day for attendees. The 84 year old, who had worked as a carpenter and was the patriarch of a family which included 6 children and 15 grandchildren, passed away peacefully in his sleep two weeks ago. By all accounts, Mr Parker was a kind man who was loved by all.
But for Nick Reynolds, Norm Parker left his greatest gift til last.
‘Look I didn’t really know Norm, I think I might have met him at a wedding one time but I can’t really be sure’ said Reynolds at press time.
‘But I’ll tell you what, he left me a fucking good parting gift’.
While the 25 year old was genuinely saddened to hear of his girlfriend’s great uncle’s passing, he was stoked to learn that the photographer took a ‘pretty fucking sick’ photo of him at the funeral. Within days, Reynolds had changed his LinkedIn profile photo to the image and was waiting for the job offers to come rolling in.
However, it appears the shining light of Reynolds’ beauty has blinded him to the glaring presence of a casket containing the corpse of family hero in the background of the photo.
When messaged by friends immediately after changing his profile picture, Reynolds responded with a hopeful ‘do you think it’s obvious?’.
Unfortunately Nick, it kind of is.
'I Came Here to Lead, Not to Read' Says Errol Parker, Making His 400th Typo of the Day
A nationally recognised journalist this morning rebuffed allegations that he lacks journalistic professionalism, declaring in a prepared statement that that he has never proof-read an article, and ‘[doesn’t] plan on doing so anytim (sic) soon, cunts’.
Betoota Advocate Editor Errol Parker offered the remarks as his first response to criticisms which have plagued his journalistic career. Commentators have long noted the political firebrand’s refusal to proof-read literally anything published by his paper, but Parker had refused to comment up until this point.
‘I’ve pounded the pavement in towns as diverse as Innamincka, Birdsville and Ogdenville looking for the stories that matter, and I won’t stand for this slander. And you know what? I’ve never seen an error in spelling or grammar on a single one of my stories.’
When asked whether this was because he had never in fact read one of his stories, Parker responded: ‘I came here to lead, not to read.’
Inspiring words from a man of questionable literacy.
No more to come.
'You'll Understand When You're Older': Lecturer's Consult Proving Unhelpful
Ben Howe attended his LAWS2704 lecturer’s consult anticipating some juicy assignment advice, but was instead met with the sordid realisation that he is academically alone in this world.
~~~
After previously being a favourite of third year law students, Professor William Zhang is quickly losing friends in the West Wing.
‘Bloke’s a real cock tease’ said Ben Howe at press time, visibly disgusted.
It’s easy to understand Ben’s frustration, because despite encouraging his students to attend his consult, Professor Zhang remained remarkably tight-lipped during the discussion, answering basic questions pertaining to structure and audience with cryptic responses like, ‘I couldn’t possibly say’ or ‘I can’t comment on that due to Covid’ or even ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’.
One student told The Obiter that when she asked Professor Zhang what the word limit for the assignment was, he simply responded: ‘you have to keep breaking your heart until it’s open’.
While the unsolicited advice may come in handy next time any of the four students who attended the consult go through a harrowing life experience, they remain utterly unprepared for their Trusts and Equity I take-home.
No more to come.
'Do We Get a Public Holiday?' Asks Nation
Australia has been rocked to the core by the shocking news this evening that Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, passed away peacefully. But do we get a public holiday?
His Royal Highness, known for his larrikin humour and good looks, was beloved in the nation, who simply cannot face work on Monday in such a state.
While the monarchy has waned in prominence in Australia and Prince Philip in particular has not surfaced in headlines except to note that he looked incredibly old, he’s still the husband of the head of State, and, you know, I think this one’s just, you know, hit everyone really hard.
Give the man the legacy he deserves, and the piss up we all need.
Inspiring: Man Caught Vaccinating Himself Behind Woolworths Carpark
Flatten the curve!
Obiter reporters were on the scene today at a Woolworths in Deception Bay where it has been reported that local men are doing their best to assist in the fight against COVID-19.
Australia’s handling of the COVID-19 pandemic has been hailed as some of the best in the world and it’s easy to see why with community members so willingly putting up their hands to receive the vaccine.
Reporters were unsure whether this was a Pfizer, Moderna or AstraZeneca vaccine that these gentlemen were self-injecting, but we are proud to see them doing their bit to flatten the curve.
Their determination to beat the virus was obvious from previous-vaccination marks on their arms. It appears that they may not have been waiting 6 weeks between doses, but hey, we aren’t ones to judge!
We approached to see if we would be able to get vaccinated. However, these men were adamant that we would not be touching their syringes. We’re sure this is for good reason and it’s foolish to think a bunch of 20-somethings would need the vaccines more than these unwell, at-risk members of the population.
Hopefully more to come from these heroes.