'We're All Set To Go!' Announces UQLS After Confirming Total of Two Bar Staff Hired For The Big Night

‘Gee, fair few people at this law ball thing,’ thought minimum wage worker, Simon Pints (18), as he carefully finished pouring a watered-down vodka lemonade to another disgruntled third-year.

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It truly is the night of nights - a perfect opportunity for university students from all walks of private school life to let down their hair, blow off some steam, and potentially run into their ex and have a cry - no, we’re not talking about your Aunt Mildred’s weeding reception, we’re talking about the annual law ball.

Cynics, however, have again argued that the event is bound to be an overpriced, overrated, overhyped and underperforming shambles of an affair.

Their concerns are wide-ranging: will mum take a photo of us at pre’s with our eyes open? Will the vego slider have gluten in it? Will the band play Untouched by the Veronicas? Will the floor be sticky??? Will the after-party seccy not let you in cos ‘you looked at [him] funny’? And most importantly, will the drinks line devolve into a rank mosh pit?

In spite of these concerns, we note that these same so-called ‘cynics’ have each caved in and bought a ticket for the spritely price of $125.

Nonetheless, we contacted the UQLS Exec for comment in respect of these issues, who advised us: ‘We want to reassure all law ball attendees that each and every inevitable fuck up is out of our control and never happened’.

Only time will tell whether a ‘Royal Affair’ will end up being a Royal cock up.

More to come.

Sight of Grotty Unwrapped Bar of Soap Left in Hotel Room Sink Suggests Google Reviews Was Probably Worth A Read

‘Mate, found this real deece looking place on Trivago for like 37 bucks a night!’ Ben Devere (22) had told his friend just three weeks prior, having done absolutely no research into what turned out to be an absolute shithole.

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It was just moments after entering the Grand Patel Hotel in Melbourne’s inner-west - located just a two minute walk from the local train station and a vast array of strip clubs - that Matthew Clare (21) came to the stark realisation that he’d just entered what he considered the dankest place on earth.

Having typically spent most of his holidays with Mum and Dad in, at the very least, 4-star establishments (with a buffet breakfast and wine list all too common a sight), this was a foreign landscape for the young aspiring lawyer.

So it came as quite a rude shock to Matt when the elderly Vietnamese manager of the Grand Patel, instead of guiding him to the onsite concierge, handed him a lamp and goggles, gestured towards the end of the dimly lit corridor, and whispered with a toothless grin: ‘good luck’.

The Grand Patel, which admittedly did smell a bit like the Aspley Retirement Village, had many more surprises in store for young Matt: the soap situation left him outraged, he was incensed at the itchy bedsheets, the cockroaches scampering across the floor caused raw fury, and the breakdown in the mechanics of the decaying elevator shaft simply left him defeated.

On reflection, Matt realised he probably shouldn’t have left complete oversight to his notoriously unreliable mate, Ben ‘Bluey’ Devere, in finding them a place to stay for the 4 nights - a quick search on google would’ve revealed that the Grand Patel was recently described as a ‘PLACE TO AVOID NEVER COME HERE’ by a recent vacationer.

Welcome to the real world, champ.

Bloke Desperate For A Root Spends Good Couple Of Minutes Studying Party's Invite List

‘8 mutuals on facey?? Surely I’m in with a chance here,’ thought Ron Brent (20) to himself, as he continued to carefully analyse the list of names that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s party - ‘Lily’s Easter Bash’.

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A self-described ‘Horndog’, Ronald Brent is a man with little to no shame.

Ever since being dumped by his high school sweetheart at age 19, he’s professed that he’s sick of being ‘the nice guy’. Now a guru of self-help and mindful-growth podcasts - with a plan to start his own one day - Ron, a man of great introspection, is a man on a mission.

What’s the mission, you ask? Get ‘hench’? Yes, of course. But of even more significance, Ron has an unwavering goal for this Saturday evening - get hookies at a minimum.

Having lived the ‘gym life’ for the past 6 months and currently rocking a mad ‘fresh cut’, Ron is, to be candid, bemused at his recent lack of success in this particular domain.

A source close to Ronald argued that this failing could be attributed to Ron being a ‘really boring cunt at a generous best’. When we put this allegation to Ronald for comment, he responded, ‘Nah man, that’s such negative vibes, I’m kinda of a deep thinker bro, haters just needa get on my level’.

Perhaps spurred on by these ‘negatives vibes’, Ron was spotted later that afternoon on the bus home from his shift at Grill’d deeply dissecting the list of those that had clicked ‘Going’ to this Saturday’s ‘Easter Bash’ at Lily’s McSweeney’s.

We wish Ronald and his crypto chat-up lines the best of luck.

Divorced Dad Does His Bit For Ukraine By Heating Up An Aldi Chicken Kiev For Dinner Tonight

Following yesterday’s brave boycott of his weekly bottle of Smirnoff purchase, David Dohnson (42) – father of three and husband to none - has tonight again shown that he stands with the people of Ukraine, choosing to tuck his bachelor fingers into a two-minute meal of pure solidarity.

After weeks of water cooler talk about the turmoil in Eastern Europe, David Dohnson finally decided to take a stand. “I can’t stand idly by anymore, it just doesn’t sit right with me,” he said.

Bravely, David has chosen a chicken Kiev rather than his typical frozen pizza to eat in front of Friday night footy.

“It’s all about the message I’m sending my kids, about what is right and wrong.” Each crumb of delicious, cooked in four minutes chicken was a protest. Each fleck of cheese filled goodness spat out after another Ryan Papenhuyzen try sent a message directly to Putin. Each bite followed by a swig of Peroni Leggera gave the people of Ukraine hope.

David reached out to share his morality with his daughter Bella. She replied, “Thanks Dad, cool.”

Local 22-Year-Old Girl Still Not Over The Flying Cock Shutting Down

The final hours of 2019 represented a dark moment for the people of Brisbane and, above all, Katie (22).

It’s not just because she received a fine for public urination that night which she’ll have to awkwardly explain when she applies for her practising certificate, it’s because that night she went through the hardest break up of her life - her breakup with The Flying Cock.

For what are still inexplicable reasons, Brisbane’s best dance has shut down. The Valley has never been the same.

‘We just had something really special,’ Katie sobbed uncontrollably, ‘I can’t even look at chicken anymore without thinking about her’.

Katie knows Laruche is alright but it’s useless if she requires the use of her eardrums the next day. Ric’s is okay if she feels like giving herself a contact STD, but usually she doesn’t. Katie knows this is one loss she’ll never be able to let go of.

A dedicated attendee, Katie proved her devotion to her favourite venue by making it into the DJ booth every night. Maybe she had to tell the bouncer the DJ was her ‘brother’ to let her in. Sure, and maybe he had questions when she started pashing her ‘brother.’

She knows that ‘the Cock’, as it was affectionately known, will inevitably be turned into a Woolworths, and her beloved TBC will be a three car parking bay. At this rate, all she has left are her Birdman Randy covers of ‘dancing in the moonlight’ and ‘let’s dance to joy division.’

To date, Katie’s go fund me page to reopen the venue has reached a total of $72.

‘Til next time’, she whispered to herself, scattering the ashes of a vodka red bull on the corner of Brunswick and McLachlin street.

Hollywood Wins 'Most Liveable City For Famous People To Get Away With Assault' Award

‘It hasn’t been since MJ and Harvey Weinstein were around that we have felt that this city is so clearly the deserving winner of this great honour,’ the Cornell Institute of Rankings declared in a public statement.

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Knowing that Hollywood is a place free from repercussions for anything, Will Smith - in front of an audience of millions - has today walked onto stage at the Oscars and given an old-fashioned beat down to fellow Hollywood star, Chris Rock, after Rock cracked a funny about Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett Smith.

Smith, who bizarrely didn’t provide a response to our emails for comment, was later in the evening then presented with the Best Actor in a Leading Role award, using his acceptance speech to effectively say, ‘I didn’t do nufin wrong’.

The Cornell Institute of Rankings has been quick to now move to present the city the Hollywood with the 'Most Liveable City For Famous People Get Away With Assault' Award, a title that the city has now held for the 19th consecutive year (Washington DC taking it home in 2003 for obvious reasons).

‘Hollywood continues to impress us with their response to Will Smith slapping someone in broad daylight - it hasn’t been since MJ and Harvey Weinstein were around that we have felt that this city is so clearly the deserving winner of this great honour,’ the Institute declared in a public statement.

‘Yeah, but he was good in that movie about those tennis players!’ Will Smith’s lawyers submitted to the Hollywood District Court, hoping to have their client’s assault charge dismissed on the grounds of ‘money’.

Smith is rumoured to have now commenced production of the blockbuster sequel: ‘The Pursuit of Slappyness’.

Aussie Kids Forced To Actually Ride Kangaroos To School Amidst Soaring Petrol Prices

In an attempt to reach net zero emissions by 2030, and tackle the ever-debilitating fuel prices, the federal government today has announced that the coat of arms animal will be Australia’s newest public transport fixture.

Minister for Transport and Main Roads, Mark Bailey, has announced that the exciting new ‘Roo-ber’ initiative has been inspired by a culmination of astronomical petrol prices and ignorant American folklore.

Surprisingly, according to initial testing, the wild animal transport method has been clinically proven as 110% safer than e-scooters and ubers, and 90% less sporadic than road cyclist. The Federal Government has begun assisting this transition, pouring $400 million into kangaroo farms, and generously allocating an additional $400 billion into the ‘bum-blister ointment’ private sector.

This novel move has caused much discourse in the public transport sector, with other nations keen to follow.

It is rumoured later this week Elon Musk will announce another animal inspired service, ‘Deer-di’ , in the United States of America. It is predicted that as of next week, all school age students will be taught how to speak ‘skippy’ – a highly time efficient method of kangaroo communication- to ensure this is a seamless transition.

While wearing helmets aren’t required for kangaroos, the Brisbane City Council has announced that a southern cross tattoo and thongs are a must.

'Yeah, It Is A Lot of Reading,' Says Law Student Who Hasn't Bought A Textbook Since First Year

‘Yeah no, you’re absolutely right, it’s pretty crazy, haha,’ Ben Cripps (22) told his optometrist, who remained blissfully unaware that the last time he’d bought a textbook or read a case was when Obama was still President.

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It was in Ben Cripps’ second week of uni, back when the Fast and Furious franchise had released only its seventh film, that he learnt a valuable lesson.

After making a valiant attempt to get through the 14 chapters and 22 cases that his Contracts A lecturer had prescribed for the week, he came to the stark realisation that the ‘reading’ element of his law degree wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

In fact, his subsequent discovery of the biblical domains - StudentVIP and StuDocu (amongst others) - has reduced his total weekly uni study time from about 6-8 hours in the infancy of his degree to now, in his fifth year, a generous 45-minutes - which mainly involves him scrolling through TikTok while playing an Admin Law lecture at double speed as background ambience.

Nonetheless, when Ben is asked - be it by his hairdresser, mum’s tennis friend or in this case his optometrist - whether he has to do ‘a lot of reading’ in his law degree, he falls victim to his agreeable disposition and confirms this seemingly unanimous view of the community.

What a coward.

'M@rkand5usan': Family's Netflix Password Thwarts Foreign Cyber Hackers

‘I guess Putlocker will have to do,’ sighed infamous Russian state-sponsored cyber-criminal Albert Pudovkin (38), who had now all but accepted that the Baker’s family Netflix account was simply impenetrable.

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Albert Pudovkin (38) hasn’t been outwitted on many occasions. Throughout the early 2000s, he was responsible for crippling the US Government with a serious targeted cyber-attacks. The name Pudovkin is lauded in the international cyber-criminal community. The man knows what he’s doing.

But when Pudovkin, desperate to watch Season 1 of Byron Baes, came across the Baker’s family Netflix account, he knew he’d met his match.

After a mammoth 16 hour hackathon, Pudovkin was getting nowhere.

‘Who are these fucking masterminds!’ he wailed, genuinely concerned if he still had what it took to make it as a full-time crook. ‘I guess Putlocker will have to do,’ Pudovkin eventually conceded.

He’d been beaten.

.When we contacted Mark Baker for comment, he had this to say: ‘oh bugger, he didn’t get in? Well that’s annoying, I’ve not been able to login to the account for weeks! Did he try with a capital M??’

No more passwords to come.

'Been A While Hasn't It, Mate?' Says Bloke Who Clearly Doesn't Remember Your Name

‘So you, uh, still just doing uni then, big man?’ asked the bloke who you once shared a Grade 9 Art class with - who’s name was either James, John, Jamal or George Michael.

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On any other day, had you regrettably locked eyes with this particular old schoolmate out and about, you would’ve given, at the very most, a polite nod of affirmation and a toothless grin. In fact, in most cases, you both would’ve happily agreed to play the game of ‘let’s pretend we don’t recognise each other’.

But, as we all know, sometimes our instincts betray us - sometimes the Pale Ale’s convince our brain to do things that clearly aren’t good ideas. On this occasion, it was to say hello in the drinks line at Ric’s to James/John/Jamal or George Michael - a man who you couldn’t name more than three things about if you’re life depended on it (he played Volleyball at some point?).

This is how that conversation proceeded:

• You ask who he’s here with, to which he names three people you’d never heard of.

• He asks who you’re here with, to which you think ‘geez, what have I got myself into’.

• You mention that you also ran into another guy from school tonight - he clearly has no idea who you’re talking about.

• You both agree that Ric’s is ‘a bit shit tonight’.

• You ask if he’s still playing Volleyball - he laughs, having clearly not heard what you said.

• You panic, and tell the following three lies: ‘sorry, mate, I just need to head to the bathroom, but it’s good to catch up, I’ll see you around’.

More mistakes to come.