Bloke Tucks Into IWD Cupcake While Complaining About Woman Who Didn't Want To Have Sex With Him

Brian McHenry (29) spent his Saturday night at The Osbourne chatting up anyone who would listen. The DJ was playing absolute belters such as ‘Imma Be’ by the Black Eyed Peas. The dance floor was packed. With a vodka lime soda in one hand, Brian’s flailing, wondering, sticky other hand brushed its way across the lower back of every crop top wearing woman in the joint.

Come Tuesday morning, Brian was spotted scoffing down a celebratory International Women's Day cupcake at morning tea. After hearing from the only female director in the business about respecting and championing women in the workplace, Brian relayed his disappointment about his performance on Saturday to colleague, Dan David (27).

“I was chatting to this chick all night, things are looking good, we’re bantering, I’ve bought her a vodka lime soda. Then l ask if we should head to mine and she says she wants to stay there with her friends. Don't get me wrong I respect her and all but if I knew it was going to be for nothing I wouldn’t have bothered mate honestly!”.

But eventually, Brian settled into his day of boiling the ocean in his corner office.

First, he took to LinkedIn to comment on his firm's IWD post featuring their Gender Equity Committee, of which Brian is of course a figurehead of. ‘Happy IWD to my female co-workers!’

Second, Brian compiled a slide deck ensuring to only use dark and bold designs.

Third, off to the club to play golf with a client. 

And that was literally all.

Breaking the bias one cupcake at a time.

Putin Completely Forgets About Plans for World Domination After Discovering Wordle

‘World domination?! More like Wordle domination, haha!’ the Dobby-the-Elf lookalike exclaimed, after one of his top aides queried why he’d suddenly lost interest in taking over the world and all that.

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It’s out with the dictator and in with the dictionary, as Russian President, Vladimir Putin, once again puts all 5’7” of himself into today's New York Times Wordle, having becoming completely addicted to the game last week.

In a shocking display of idiocy, Putin has already exhausted his first five attempts with the words, “WITCH”, “FROGS”, “MOODY”, “GHOST” and “SPELL.”

Now on his sixth and final attempt, the little house elf is struggling to figure out the tricky letter combo: “S, Q, U, something, B.”

Putin rejected his best buddy’s, Vladislav Kroshnvaskikzizaralq’s, recommendation to, ‘play the odds and try another vowel,’ leaving Putin pretty much fucked. Silly Putin. Game tactics clearly are not his thing.

‘Zis is too hard!’ Putin told the Obiter, nearly on the verge of tears.

With the clock ticking and tomorrow’s Wordle fast approaching, Putin downed half a dozen vodka shots to really get the brain juices flowing. In an attempt to assist, the Obiter team offered Putin a crash course in English language and human decency, but he (unsurprisingly) declined.

Will Putin be able to come up with the one correct letter in the next six hours? Or will he go down in history as being a complete dumbo.

Watch this space.

'Unforeseen Monumental Disaster Pause Week' Set To Become Permanent Fixture of UQ Semester Calendar

The outbreak of global nuclear warfare is tipped to become the next cause of UQ students being able to put the feet up for a week.

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In breaking news this afternoon, the University of Queensland has announced that for the second time in three years, we’re all getting the week off early in the semester as a result of another unprecedented catastrophe.

The Obiter can now confirm that after a lengthy meeting of the UQ Senate, the administration of the university has come to an agreement that a ‘Pause Week’ will be introduced in every single semester for the foreseeable future, a move which Vice-Chancellor Deborah Terry has described as necessary to combat ‘the latest fucked up shit that this bullshit of a decade throws at us’.

Staff at the university have already begun updating the incredibly aesthetically pleasing academic calendar in line with this decision.

Jim David (21), a third-year Economics student at the university, has welcomed the move with open arms.

‘Oh mate, keep ‘em coming I say, haha,’ Jimbo told us, ‘if Putin invading Bulimba means I get a week off to catch up on Survivor, you’re not gonna see me putin up a fight, haha!’

Jimbo’s sentiment no doubt resonates with many a sheltered millennial across Brisbane, whose life remains pretty much the same as it was in 2019.

More fires/floods/coughs/wars to come.

Property Value of Rundown Share House in St Lucia Skyrockets With New Waterfront Views

Hungover flatmates have woken up this morning in their inner-west Brisbane property to discover something only multi-millionaires can usually afford.

An event that Bill Burphy (21) described just after lunch as “actually pretty fucking serious”, has left a bigger pool in his backyard than what the council is even willing to pay for.

With the water levels rising, the mates have considered swapping social Friday backyard cricket to Friday backyard regattas.

There are now rising concerns amongst the broke uni students that this new addition to their property could soar their rent value through the roof. However, rest assured, water front properties won’t be so popular after this weekend.

While the Robin-hood of weather events has ripped expensive boats off the city’s billionaires, it sure has been accomodating towards those with deep ditches in their backyards.

While we wait in anticipation to see the full effects of this weather event, in the meantime Bill agrees it’s time to get the surf ski out.

'Sooo...What Are We??' Asks Extremely Confused Guy After One-Night Stand

‘Bro, I don’t even know your last name,’ Ellie Woods replied to the overly keen 18-year-old that lay next to her, Wilson G... well, actually, we don’t know his last name either.

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In a tragic turn of events, a young man has been rejected by who he thought was the love of his life. 

Last Thursday night, Wilson (18) hit the Valley with “the boys” to get some hookies. After an excruciating wait in line, Wilson and the boys finally entered Brisbane’s most delightful, welcoming nightclub, Birdees.

Upon entrance, Wilson hit the dance floor where he met Ellie Woods (also 18, obviously), who was shaking her booty to “Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull. After buying her and her besties each two vodka Redbulls (sugar free), Wilson was lucky enough to be invited back to Ellie’s St Lucia apartment for some ‘pretty average sex,’ as Ellie described it.

On Friday morning, Wilson hung around for a total of 2 hours and 27 minutes (a whole 2 hours and 26 minutes too long), working up the courage to ask Ellie a question that had been on his mind since the moment they locked eyes on the d-floor.

‘Sooo... what are we??’ Wilson asked.

‘Bro, I don’t even know your last name,’ Ellie replied.

After an awkward pause, Ellie announced that she had a hair appointment she had to go to, prompting Wilson to finally fuck off.

Ellie has confirmed with The Obiter that she in fact did not have a hair appointment.

She has since successfully ghosted Wilson.

No more to come. 

Kid Who Liked Le Snak and Ribena in Primary School Now On Expensive Cheese And Wine Tour in SA

Just like a warm school lunchbox at 4pm, the Barossa valley cheese still contained a healthy serving of bacteria.

The couple who now only eats cheese worth more than $120 seemed to forget about their humble lunch box beginnings when boasting to their friends about their trip down to the Barossa.

Rebecca and Mark after their SA honeymoon made it very clear to their friends that you can’t buy ‘real’ cheese in supermarkets. A trip that costs more than a year’s supply of groceries at Woolies has made these self-proclaimed ‘foodies’ a lot bloody harder to please.

This ‘snobby’ trip has sent shockwaves among the fiancé’s mates, with them convinced Mark will now no longer be a regular guest of ‘hot-dog crust pizza’ Fridays. When asked if this new selection of cheese will make an appearance in Mark’s smoko lunch box, a “hell no” was received.

The Obiter can reveal that there is perhaps still a comfortable place in society for Le Snaks.

Don’t forget where you came from.

First-Year Shocked That No One Else From School Thought To Rock The Senior Jersey At Market Day

‘Well this is just plain weird,’ thought a puzzled Hunter Birks (18), as he subtly slipped his newly purchased UQ Law crewneck sweater over what he had assumed would be everyone else’s number one choice of apparel for the day.

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When Hunter ‘Birko’ Birks, a starry eyed ex-GPS first-year, arrived at Market Day he was greeted by a cohort of Cromwell freshers slutdropping to Justin Timberlake’s ‘SexyBack’. Naturally, Birko assumed that this would be the strangest thing that he would see that day.

But Birko stood corrected.

The hustle and bustle of youth politicians and various religious sects trying to sell him membership cards could not distract the young lad from an unmistakable reality - that he was the only person on campus representing the light dark green and red.

‘I don’t get it, it’s like they’ve all forgotten their roots,’ an earnestly puzzled Hunter divulged to us as he attempted to win two free rounds of Strike Bowling and a one-week trial at Snap Fitness.

But noticing grimaces and light shakes of the head from other students, Hunter felt like he was left with no choice but to assimilate. He B-lined straight for the L card stand, pushing past a UQ BARS exec before he could even ask if he liked rumbos, and purchasing, in a flash, as much law merch as he could get his hands on.

'Phew, now I can fit it,’ exhaled a relieved Birko.

Ah yeahhh, good luck with that one H. Enjoy Birdees mate.

Man With Absolutely Nothing Going For Him Witnesses Minor Crime, Won't Stop Talking About It

‘Yeah, so it was pretty full on,’ recapped Joseph Earl (26), again reminding other dinner party attendees that he saw a couple of blokes take a few bucks from the cash register of the local public pool administration building last Tuesday.

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There were dramatic scenes at 7pm last Tuesday in Lutwyche, with a public pool administration building viscously burgled - the offenders stealing $95 cash and a single rainbow paddle pop from the mini freezer.

A neighbourhood resident (Joseph, 26) was walking his pit bull terrier, Lloyd, at the time. When police arrived, Joseph was elated that he, a 26-year-old, second-year Arts student, bore crucial evidence.

Joseph, a remarkably unremarkable man, immediately realised his luck. Neighbours emerged from their homes – all eyes seemingly on him as he single-handedly took down a dangerous criminal organisation.

‘I was asking Lloyd whether he wanted to watch Mythbusters or Kung Fu Panda 2 (again) tonight and when I looked up, I saw four masked men jump into a Ford Fiesta with a bag of cash and a single rainbow paddle pop,’ he told QPS officers.  

Since last Tuesday, Joseph has miraculously worked his heroism into every interaction. Without a doubt, various dinner parties, hot dates and new friends are on his horizon. ‘I’m basically a celebrity’, Joseph has started thinking to himself.

Currently, Joseph is seeking a book deal and a Netflix mini-series.

More crime-fighting to come. Beware.

Woman Installs Compass In Car After GPS Tells Her To ‘Head North-East On James Street’

‘Oh yeah, cos that’s fucking helpful!’ screamed Katie Barbour (25), making her seventh wrong turn for the morning.

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Katie Barbour (25) was exiting the car park outside the James St markets last Friday when her GPS uttered something that Katie described as ‘rather strange.’

‘Head North-East on James St,’ the GPS ordered, with its usual nasally twang. Hitting the break abruptly, the young yoga instructor began to panic. Like the rest of us, Katie doesn’t have a fucking clue which way is North, East, South or West.

After re-routing a dozen times or so, Katie decided it was time she put her foot down... on the accelerator and zoom over to her local Bargain Mania (which was in the direction of West, for those interested).

There, Captain Cock sold Katie a CompassProMax180™, the latest and most sought-after compass technology in South-East Queensland.

The young woman has since installed the compass next to the jiggling Hawaiian figurine on her dashboard for use during the day. Katie has also enrolled in an astrology course with the goal of being guided by the stars at night.

This article is proudly sponsored by the CompassProMax180™. Use the checkout code ‘Ob’ for a 10% discount. Terms and Conditions apply. Gamble Responsibly. If it's flooded forget it.

Nation Chooses Trashy Reality TV Over Watching Aerial Skier Land a Quadruple Twisting Triple Backflip

‘Huh, that was actually pretty cool,’ thought Julia Burns (21), as she observed an incredible athlete at their absolute prime (name unknown) who had trained their entire life to be at the Olympics perform a perplexingly difficult routine, during a commercial break of Australian Survivor.

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In an intriguing insight into the human psyche, recent reports have revealed that the entire nation has collectively chosen to tune into a couple of dickheads squabble about their feelings and shit on a reality TV show rather than watch a group of elite athletes perform near-impossible stunts at the Winter Olympics.

Julia, like the rest of us, didn’t know until yesterday that the games were even on.

‘Huh, that actually was kinda impressive,’ she thought after accidently stumbling onto Channel 7 earlier this evening and catching a glimpse of some fairly skilled tricks and flips from some half- decent athletes.

But the jury is still out what’s more impressive: riding around in a luge sled at 160km/hr or having as good a pair of abs as Nathan from Season 3 of Too Hot To Handle.

Food for thought.