Boys Grammar Debating Coach Receives BMW As Christmas Bonus

PPE Student Quenting Albright was chuffed to be appointed as coach of the Boys Grammar 10.3s. 

“At first I was hoping to get a part time job at Avid Reader West End to meet women, but I couldn’t turn down the Grammar debating coach money.”

After the 10.3s finished runners up in the QDU final using speeches completely written by Quentin, the school rewarded his hard work with a brand new Lexus.

“I mean I really would’ve rather gotten an Audi, but at least it is a foreign,” said Quentin wankily

It has been reported that Quentin is making side money writing his team’s Modern History assignments for them.

“The old two-for-one-tutor-debating-coach baby!!!”

No more to come.

MAFS: Manifestly Incompatible Couples Hoodwinked For 9th Consecutive Season

Sure it’s bottom of the barrel content, but Australian audiences still tune in to acclaimed dramedy Married At First Sight, our sources confirm.

After a dinosaur cull on the experts panel, the show has taken a new direction by gaslighting viewers that the show is genuine in its premise and not a smokescreen for the launch of lucrative OnlyFans careers. With a 1% success rate, the experts are doing psychologists in the field proud.

Following a total condemnation of the Claire and Adam cheating scandal, they resiled from this position by introducing a couple swap to strengthen the couples’ bonds. This comes after the very productive ranking exercise, based on scholarly, peer-reviewed literature, and engineered to inform your partner that you find another participant sexy as fuck.

When surveyed further, our sources tell us that producers scoured every sweatshop nationwide for the reddest of flags. We can also exclusively reveal that Harrison caused 23% of female viewership to dip their toes in lesbianism. Purely from the experts’ conduct, it is safe to say the key to love is sabotaging your relationship from the very beginning.

More to come

Woman Channels St Patrick By Driving The Snakes Out Of Her Friendship Group

Sharon Thornton (28) came in hot to her friends Paddy’s day drinks at Finn McCool’s Fortitude Valley.

“Narelle is such a snake,” she said “I’m gonna confront her, it’s what St Patrick would have wanted.”

Sharon explained that she had recently been courting a man named Darryl, who she had met at the races two weeks ago. However, it had recently come to Sharon’s attention that her supposed friend, Narelle, had also been attempting to court Darryl, fully aware that Sharon had her eyes on him first.

The Obiter witnessed Sharon verbally confront Narelle.

“I know you’re trying to fuck Darryl, Narelle. You gronk bitch!” She yelled, throwing her yellow cider onto Narelle’s green shirt.

“Clarine is keen on him too” Narelle replied, barely audible over The Pogues playing in the background “She’s with him right now babes, you don’t own every bloke you see.”

Sources confirmed with The Obiter that Clarine was as that time on a date with Darryl at Irish Murphy’s.

“Well I don’t want to see either of your faces at book club ever again!” said Sharon.

“But next week we are talking about The Dry! I love Eric Bana.” Narelle responded woundedly.

“Fuck off.” Sharon finished, the rest of the girls standing with her in solidarity.

No more to come from Narelle nor Clarine.

“Haha Yeah I’m Actually Irish” Says 7th Generation Aussie At Gilhooleys

It is once again March 17, St Patrick’s Day! The river goes green in Chicago, the Guinness flows in Dublin, and the self-identifying Irish-Australians clock off work early to “Celebrate and important cultural holiday.”

Standing in line at Gilhooleys, The Obiter had the luck to overhear Owen McDonagh (22) try his chances with an Irish backpacker.

“Yeah so I’m actually Irish, the DNA test on Ancestry.com put me at 60% Irish, which basically makes me the same as you guys.” Perhaps in hope for a free drink from the intoxicated Commerce student, she let him keep talking.

“Conor McGregor! Paddy the Baddy! I’m a Catholic as well actually, I went to Terrace, you might have heard of it? Yeah, it’s the best Catholic School in Queensland.”

Owen then went on to explain to the young lady that he supports Irish owned businesses as he only buys XXXX from Dan Murphy’s.

“Wanna hear my Irish accent?” He bent over in a racist caricature of a drunken Irishman, slurring his words as he spoke, “top o da mornin to ye, fek da Protestants and up da Pope!”

The lass went quiet, leaving our brave hero confused.

“Kiss me I’m Irish? Nice shirt. Ye ever heard of a Belfast kiss?” she finally said. The trap was set. Owen leaned in, closing his eyes, unaware of his surroundings.

A pint of Guinness smashed over his head, sending him to the ground. He looked up at his attacker.

“Me pa was shot by the IRA ye bastard. Fek ya!”

She stormed off, her hair and loyalty both orange.

The ambulance pulling up outside indicates there is no more to come.

Opinion: It's Week 4 and Duo Mobile Authentication is Getting Really Fucking Old

“And I thought the Duo Lingo notifications were annoying”, thought the Arts / Law (majoring in Italian) student Josie Smith (20), digging her phone out of her bag for the 47th time today. 

After a month of trying to study without her phone close-by, Josie is fed up. 

“I’m trying to reduce my screentime for fuck’s sake” she explained “Do you know how hard it was to delete TikTok?”. 

Josie reported she has had to start seeing a physio due hand and wrist pain from pulling out her phone constantly. 

“My hand and wrist feel molto brutto,” she said, seemingly chuffed at her Italian skills, “At least those Duo Lingo notifications give me something.”

When asked whether she felt safer knowing her data was more secure, Josie got even more annoyed. 

“I’d actually rather be a victim of identity theft than have to input a 3 digit code one more time. Seriously, if Russian hackers want to do my LAWS4701 assignment, be my fucking guest.” 

More to come.

Man Chokes On International Women’s Day Donut After Mansplaining How Donuts Are Made

It’s International Women’s Day, and what better way to address the impacts of gendered oppression than inhaling some pink and purple donuts (prepared by women) at a firm-wide morning tea. 

At least, that’s what Roger Jones (41), a barely-competent associate responsible for organising the shitty event, thought. 

This #IWD, Jones felt like he had pulled out all the stops. He had reminded ‘the women of the office’ to bring homemade baked goods, and even printed off fun slogans like “Who Run the World?” from Word to pin up around the place. The only thing missing was female colleagues who felt respected and valued in the workplace. 

For days prior to the morning tea, Jones had been heard repeating things like “allyship feels good”, “I’m actually super comfortable in my masculinity”, and “when’s International Men’s Day though, hey boys???” 

It was comments like this that led ‘the women of the office’ to take particular delight in Jones choking on a donut after he mansplained to them how donuts are made.

Melissa White, a former MD turned lawyer, begrudgingly performed the Heimlich maneuver on Jones, which brought the hilarity to an end.  

Jones has so far declined to comment on the incident, but did tell a female Obiter reporter that he is currently single.

No more to come.

International Women’s Day Cancelled After Suri Netball Match Single-Handedly Ends Sexism

In an unprecedented development, International Women’s Day has been cancelled. Our political analysts explain how one game of netball has reversed thousands of years of societal oppression.

For years, uncomfortable questions have been directed towards VP Sport candidates at Law Society AGM’s regarding the lack of participation from girls in the Suri Ratnapala cup cricket match. Benjamin Funnell’s UQLS career never fully recovered from a barrage of gender‑related questions at the 2020 AGM, and Will Garske’s only answer was to make himself a small target by holding as few events as possible.

Enter Angus Watson in 2023, and the UQLS’ large female cohort expected little change. “Oh great, another private school jock with a massive ego”, said one critic from the LS Office couch. “Ah yes, I am sure this Grammar Old Boy and Western Civ major will care about anything other than office beers”, came the reply.

But when news broke that Angus would introduce a Students v Profession netball game last Sunday, everything changed. As 10 girls took the Court, the very raison d'être of International Women’s Day’s began to unravel. 50 women were promoted to Partnership at top tier law firms. 80 were promoted to senior judicial positions. And the Queensland Bar Association announced a comprehensively funded parental leave policy for female barristers.

“Yeah so I set up this netball game for my CV really but it turns out I just ended sexism”, explained Watson in the LS Office, five beers deep.

No more to come.  

An Obiter Exclusive Interview With Incomprehensible Cricket Legend James Finnimore

[Editor’s note: Thanks to James’ penchant for creative manipulation of the English language, the original text of our interview was basically indecipherable to anyone who hasn’t spent 17 years of their life in cricket changerooms. Accordingly, we have added translations for clarity where necessary]

Obiter: James! Thank you for sitting down with us today ahead of the big game Sunday.

James Finnimore: No worries, brah.

O: Now, to start with, can we get a sense of how the boys are feeling?

JF: Well, I think all the boys have that 2018 Triple J Hottest 100 kind of feel about them. Been putting in a lot of work in Brooklyn, so hopefully we’ve got a couple Edmond Sumner’s, a couple David Duke’s in us.

[The winning song in 2018’s Hottest 100 was ‘Confidence’ – James here means the student team is feeling confident for the game. The NBA team based in Brooklyn is the Nets – ergo, the student team has been hard at work in the nets. Edmond Sumner is a player for the Nets who wears the number 4, while David Duke Jr wears 6 – the student team is poised to hit boundaries on Sunday]

O: And how is the weather report for Sunday shaping up?

JF: Reports are the old Heung-Min’ll be out, it’ll be an absolute Jason. Reckon that might favour us young bucks – fair chance the older lads among the Profession side have Harveys getting about in the heat. You know, sure we’ll feel a bit of Haas in the bacon and eggs running between the wickets, but hopefully we’ll be able to outlast them.

[References here in order are: Tottenham star Son Heung-Min, meaning ‘the sun will be out’; golfer Jason Day, meaning it’ll be a ‘day for it’, slang for a beautiful sunny day; Harvey Norman’s practice of interest-free shopping, meaning ‘the Profession side will have zero interest getting about in the heat’; and finally, the combination of Broncos prop Payne Haas, and bacon and eggs as Cockney rhyming slang for legs, meaning ‘sure we’ll feel a bit of pain in the legs running between the wickets’]

O: Let’s go to you personally for a second – how are you feeling ahead of the game?

JF: I’m hearing the pitch is a bit of an Ike & Tina [a turner], so hopefully I’ll get into the game a bit with the ball. Create a couple of Kyrgios’s [nicks], get De Gea involved [Manchester United goalkeeper David De Gea – here a reference to Student XI wicketkeeper.] Would love to get Josh Hallikos or Dom Katter – would be absolute Charlie’s [Charlie Sheen’s, here meaning ‘would be absolute scenes’] if I can snag one of those poles. Won’t bowl too many overs though, will toss the ball to some of the young fellas – call me Marcus Rashford. [Manchester United star Rashford famously spearheads a campaign against youth hunger – here, James is saying he doesn’t intend to let the first-year players, the ‘youth’ of the team, go hungry in terms of wicket-taking chances]

O: Well, that’s just about all we have time for. Thanks for your time, and good luck for Sunday!

JF: No worries, brah. Make sure to get down on Sunday to see UQ Field 9 turn bloooooooooooo! [even I’m not really sure what that means in this context. Like, it’s a reference to the common refrain of Everton FC supporters that ‘Liverpool is blue’, but I have zero clue how it makes sense here specifically. Maybe it’s just a thing he likes saying I guess?]

Funnell Confuses Cricket Match For Networking Event

While the professionals batted, Funnell demanded that be put in slips to ‘sledge’ the opposition. 

“Nice six you just scored! I have actually gotten a six in a law subject before,” said Ben to the Clutz partner.

The BenBot 3000 then went onto list his achievements, including and not limited to: TSS speech and variety club, sergeant in the Australian army cadets and Junior Council Representative for the City of  Gold Coast (real things listed on his LinkedIn).

“Yeah I was actually almost President of the UQLS ahah,” Funnell said, “So I’ve probably got some good leadership skills maybe” 

Despite being widely regarded as unapproachable by most of the student body, Funnell never has issues with socialising with GPS old boys amongst the professionals

It is reported that Ben was asking for nibbles and a drink to fuel his incessant brown nosing.

Come to UQ Field 9 11am to see Funnell in all his glory. 

More to come. 

Garske [c] Finally Emerges From Moot Caves At Prospect Of Cricketing Glory

Will Garske [c] slunk out of his den in the moot rooms just before sunrise this morning. The External Competitions VP’s ghostly skin, unused to sun after a summer in the Lawbry, shimmered in the sunlight as he slunk out of his foul hideaway.

 Tipped off to the Captain's location by a source in the Maritime Law moot team, The Obiter was able to follow him on his journey. Though, it wasn’t very hard, one need only follow the trail of fish heads and Linkedin Kudos.

 "What’s cricket, precious?" confused for a moment, the creature hesitated, "Not moot? Not for cee veee?"

 Suddenly, the formerly frightful figure seemed to glow with a healthy Australian tan, as though the spirit of Shane Warne had infused his body with cricketing power.

 "Yeah, Crix mate."

 Garske's stride lengthened as he left the surrounds of the TCB, the birds singing in the trees welcomed him out of his dark cave, and back into the beautiful Queensland summer. His back, curved from countless hours of reading obscure 1950's admiralty law reports, straightened slowly the further he moved from the Lawbry.

 He pulled out his mobile.

 "Renshaw, mate. I'm done with this mooting shit, let's go hit the nets."

 "Really? You wanna bench for Suri on Sunday? Look, it's a pretty stacked team but I'll see what I can do for you."

 He athletically swung his bat at an imaginary ball. Out of the shadow of his handsome mentor Ryan Catterwell, the cricket champion had returned.

More to come.

 Sunday 5 March UQ Field 9 11am. Be there.