Breaking: Uni Is Going Good, Thanks

In a shocking piece of news, which will send shockwaves throughout Australian culture for decades to come, it has been revealed exclusively to The Obiter that ‘...yeah, uni is going good, thanks.’

Our source, who we cannot reveal due to the Protected Information Act 2009 (Cth), has indicated that ‘...yeah, haven’t had much assessment lately actually, but um… I think I’ve got a big-ish essay due in a couple weeks, so got that on the horizon.’ Incredible. We honestly feel truly privileged to break this story; we cannot overstate the impact of discovering that ‘...3rd year, yeah, in 3rd year now.’

We stumbled across this interview, this incredible piece of news, simply by accident. The Obiter was walking to Merlo’s to pick up ‘just a medium flat white thanks mate,’ when we were fortunate enough to come across our source. The interview begun, and the insights we have gleaned are obviously of substantial importance, to university life, to Australian life, and to an extent, the human condition.

More than just merely finding out that ‘uni is going good,’ we even found out ‘....yeah, just studying Commerce/Arts. Wouldn’t mind transferring to Law but no stress either way - just getting through it, you know?’ Oh, we know. We know. We know what it’s like to feel your fingers trembling as you type this article, the most important, powerful piece of journalism to hit the UQ St Lucia campus.

We tried to ask our source if he’d submit to some follow-up questions, potentially ‘over a beer sometime,’ and we’re proud to report that his response was ‘...oh yeah, I’ll… I’ll message you mate.’

Great news!

“Facebook Is Doomed To Fail,” Woman Posts On Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg’s marathon testimony before the United States Congress this week has raised questions over the future of the social media platform and whether the company will be subjected to regulation. For one woman, however, the testimony raised no questions at all.

Only answers.

Ailish Regardo (32) has reportedly made up her mind on the fate of Facebook. “It’s all over,” she explained in a statement sent to The Obiter over Messenger. “I just cannot see anyone using Facebook anymore in light of what we now know.”

In the days preceding our several direct messages and Messenger audio calls with Ms Regardo, the engaged citizen of the web posted no less than three articles per day about the unfolding Facebook crisis. “Yep. Hate to break it to you, Mark – you’re done,” Ms Regardo captioned her latest post in which she shared a Washington Post article that outlined the testimony’s recent developments.

While some believe Mark Zuckerberg can recover from the data-breach scandal, Ms Regardo is not so optimistic. “My status about Zuckerberg breaking the public’s trust got 14 likes, 3 loves and 2 angrys. The lack of wows is really indicative that people are taking this breach seriously.”

Ms Regardo has already begun the process of disaffiliating from the platform. “I have taken the immediate measure of deleting the Facebook app from my phone,” she said in her reply to a comment on the aforementioned post.

At press time, Ms Regardo was seen logging into Facebook in Safari.

Confusing: Mark Zuckerberg Signs Statutory Declaration Claiming He Is Human

Mark Zuckerberg’s congressional hearings, regarding his position as CEO of Facebook and its controversial approach to data collection and privacy, have taken a turn for the strange, as Zuckerberg has proudly presented a statutory declaration that he is a ‘human male.’ 

As Day 2 of the hearings began, many expected them continue as before, with Senators slowly chipping away at Zuckerberg’s ‘cool guy’ persona. However, as Mr. Zuckerberg walked through the doors at 8.50am EST, yelling ‘...look right here, Senators!’ the press, onlookers, and members of Congress were treated to one of the most intriguing monologues in recent memory.

Smiling aggressively, Mr. Zuckerberg began to read from his statutory declaration. ‘I, Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, hereby declare, with appropriate witnesses, that I am a human. A human male. A male of the human species. I solemnly and sincerely declare my willingness to submit to DNA testing regarding my humanhood, but I doubt this will be necessary. In full knowledge that my comments will be legally binding, I honestly and proudly say that I am a homo sapien.’

His face seemed to expect applause and adoration, but he was met simply with blank stares from Senators, and the rapid snapping of cameras. Unfazed, he sipped from a glass of water, and continued. ‘I am just like you. I am a full-blooded, red-meat-eating, American male. I enjoy human pursuits. I breathe same oxygen as you. We share similar genital structures. In all senses of the word, I am human.’

The shocked members of Congress, amid awkward muttering, decided to postpone the hearings for several hours. At 12.30pm EST, it was reported Mr Zuckerberg had not yet moved.

Zuckerberg expert Aaron Sorkin spoke with The Obiter. ‘This is typical Zuck behaviour. I was his best friend. You know what’s cooler than a million dollars? A billion dollars. Let’s gut the friggin nerd.’ Aaron continued to speak nonsense as we slowly walked away.

Another strange day in DC.

McDonald’s Announces New ‘Broncos Burger’ Will Be Made Entirely Out Of Horse Meat

In response to pressure by fans, fast-food giant McDonald’s will revamp its ‘Broncos Burger,’ with the patties to be made entirely of ground horse meat.     

Brisbane Broncos fans are famously passionate about their team, and about their sport, but so far, McDonald’s have struggled to make them passionate about a burger which is effectively a Quarter Pounder with some lettuce (and a hefty price tag!). But in a bold strategy, the beef patty will be replaced with one exclusively made from ‘broncos’ – wild horses, captured by Ronald McDonald, and cooked into a 250g patty.

McDonald’s marketing coordinator, Johnald McDonald, is enthusiastically promoting the change. ‘We know how much NRL fans love to support their teams both on, and off, the field, so in recognition of this, we are releasing this unique, signature burgers.’

Excitingly, the plan will not stop merely at ‘Broncos Burgers.’ According to Johnald, ‘…each club will have its own unique burger, relevant to the club’s history and mascot.’

The proposed ‘expansion range’ of burgers will include a chicken burger in Bondi, a shark burger in Cronulla, and a burger made from the meat of supple, strong jackaroos across country Queensland, for the Cowboys. Whilst some have suggested McDonald’s should not murder jackaroos for the purpose of a limited-time burger, those suggestions have been shot down, along with the people who made them.

Unfortunately, as they are rarely found in the wild, McDonald’s has suffered a tougher time in trying to source the meat for both Newcastle Knights, and Gold Coast Titans, burgers. Although, no-one is really a fan of the Titans, so we highly doubt McDonald’s will be too stressed.

More information to follow.

Report: The Second Week Of The Midsem Break Also Doesn’t Know What To Do With Itself

In heartbreaking scenes, The Obiter can exclusively reveal that the second week of the midsemester break also has no clue what to do with itself.

In a move some viewed with hope, and others viewed with fear, a second week was added to the midsemester break in Semester 1, ostensibly for the ‘Commonwealth Games.’ But apart from the people who spend one hour at the athletics and post eleven Instagram stories of it, very few are using the break to visit the Games.

Many students have reported feeling ‘lost,’ and ‘confused.’ They are not alone; our analysis indicates that whilst 82% of students caught up on ‘some’ work during the first week, that number has dropped to 43% in the second week. Whilst this may simply indicate students completed their work in the first week, we have also seen some alarming numbers about Netflix viewing. 97% of students reported Netflix usage in the first week. But in week two? A pathetic 64%. It seems like students honestly just don’t know what to do with themselves.

But they’re not alone.The second week of the break also has no idea what to do with itself. All sources indicate it’s been sitting at home, intermittently getting excited by a text in the group chat, or a mouthwatering UberEats order.

When we interviewed the second week of the break, about what the highlight of the extended break has been, it seemed confused.

‘I’ve… I’ve almost never been in this position before. Usually I’m the second week of the winter or summer holidays, and there’s always something for me to do. But now, I… I don’t know,’ it said, checking Blackboard for the ninth time that day.

This is a truly sorry sight, and one that broke our hearts. Things are getting so bad for the second week, it’s begun to try to relive the first week, by hiding Easter eggs around the house, becoming so blindingly inebriated it forgets where it hid them, and then having a joyous Wednesday morning of searching for them.

Amidst all this waywardness, there is some hope. With effectively five days of holidays left, the second week has decided to become fit, going for a 2km run this morning and stretching for three minutes. We expect this to last until Monday the 16th.

Perfect Addition! Man Squirts A Bit Of Ketchup On His Well-Done Steak

A local man has just absolutely nailed it, adding a hefty dollop of Heinz tomato sauce to his beautifully charred, thin, well-done steak. Junior real estate agent, and ‘the next Gordon Ramsey,’ Bryan Reyne (26), has never had a substantial amount of kitchen experience before now, but with this clever move, he is being hailed as a ‘genuine revolutionary.’

When he arrived home from work at 6.15pm, Bryan didn’t expect to spend the next hour putting together one of the most delicious and groundbreaking dishes known to man. Our reports suggest that after changing out of his Tarocash suit into something a little more comfortable, he grabbed a Hahn Super Dry, and set about watching ‘Two And A Half Men’ reruns on Gem.

But when the hunger struck, Bryan’s evening took a turn for the extraordinary. Stomach rumbling, he slapped a rump steak on his entry-level Weber barbecue, firing up the heat to make sure he would kill all bacteria. With one side of the steak charred, Bryan’s lips began to tremble at the thought of crisp, tough meat. But he knew one thing was missing.

Running to the fridge, Bryan made sure he had his trusty 1L bottle of Heinz ketchup. As a perfect addition to steak, pasta, and even cereal, tomato sauce was a central component of Bryan’s kitchen. And then came the moment of truth. Squeezing every last drop of life out of the bottle, Bryan deftly placed the crimson liquid on the black steak. A delicious dinner was about to begin.

As soon as the story was leaked, news outlets around the world have rushed to cover Bryan’s brilliance. The Wall Street Journal’s food writer, Marcus de Pinoquine, described Bryan’s decision as ‘exquisite… the decision of a real prodigy… a man with an instinct for food and a hunger for flavour.’ BuzzFeed immediately released a quiz, entitled ‘What Tomato Sauce Brand Are You (For Usage On Bryan’s Steak)?’

However, we at The Obiter are proud to have gained the exclusive scoop. Talking with Bryan about what inspired him to make such a bold choice, he simply said ‘I love tough steak. I love crushed tomatoes, in a convenient squeezy bottle. Why wouldn’t they go well together?’

A true visionary.

Seriously, What Was Kate Bush Singing In ‘Wuthering Heights’?

The Obiter has spent the last three weeks investigating what Kate Bush was singing in the 1978 hit ‘Wuthering Heights,’ and honestly, we have no idea. We’re reaching out to you for help, with the simple question: seriously, what the fuck was she saying?

We’re not denying it’s a masterpiece of pop, blending deft songwriting and a catchy melody. But we do think the song would be much better if we could hear the lyrics. At this point, there is some doubt in the office as to whether the song is in English. Our Hungarian intern, Grigor Yrksdnlzvq, swears Kate Bush has Hungarian roots, and the song is genuinely in Hungarian. However, as Grigor hardly has a vowel in his last name, we find him genuinely untrustworthy.

A Google search suggested the chorus had the lyrics ‘Heathcliff, it’s me, it’s Kathy, come home now, I’m so cold.’

Bullshit.

Those are sensible, everyday words, rarely breaching three syllables. Simple! ‘Wuthering Heights’ is anything but simple. An anonymous source told us ‘Wuthering Heights’ was actually also a book, so we investigated on the basis that Kate must be singing about a book. But if she was singing about a book, why would she be singing about Heathcliff? And Kathy? If she was singing about a book, surely the lyrics would be about ‘pages,’ ‘words,’ and ‘prose.’ We are still completely at a loss.

Great song. Incredibly confusing lyrics. We need your help.

“What A Beautiful City,” Thinks Athlete Who Will Be Glassed On Cavill Tonight

A New Zealand athlete has been “wowed” by the beaches of the Gold Coast, the host city for the 2018 Commonwealth Games. “This place is just unreal,” Spence Arnold exclaimed as he strolled through Surfer’s Paradise.

Arnold, who is favoured to win silver in the upcoming 50metre dash, is as of press time unaware that he is scheduled for a ritual glassing on Cavill Avenue circa 11:45pm tonight.

“I couldn’t think of a more beautiful host city,” Arnold laughed from his spot on the sand, seemingly unaware that the attractive locals he was admiring would turn on him at the first sight of an empty Cruiser bottle.

Arnold has trained his entire month to make it to the Commonwealth Games and said that dipping his feet into the Broadbeach water made him feel like it was all worth it. This feeling is set to pale in comparison to the feeling of shards shattering on Arnold’s skull after refusing to buy Micko’s favourite Meter Maid a hash brown from the Cavill Maccas.

Arnold, blissfully unaware of the absolute beating he’s set to cop outside Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, was optimistic that the competitive spirit of the Games would change the Coast. “I’m optimistic that the competitive spirit of the Games will change the Coast. This isn’t Schoolies!”

It’s always Schoolies.

Prince Charles Starts To Worry As Crowd Singalong Of 'You're The Voice' Enters Its 14th Hour

In an unexpected and slightly horrifying beginning to the 2018 Commonwealth Games, British heir Prince Charles has been growing increasingly more worried as the crowd singalong of ‘You’re The Voice’ enters its fourteenth consecutive hour.

The Opening Ceremony, held at Metricon Stadium, was supposed to go smoothly, and in accordance with his strict sleep schedule, have the Prince of Wales in bed by 11pm. 30 minutes into the ceremony, all seemed well, with the only interruption being the slightly sad protest of a Mermaid Beach local, who screamed ‘M1, more like a carpark!’ before being escorted away by unemployed Gold Coast Titans players.

However, one hour into the ceremony, the plans were completely derailed as Australia’s favourite son, John Farnham, took to the stage. As his crooning voice proclaimed ‘…we have the chance to turn the pages over,’ every Australian in the stadium began to loudly sing along. Charles was reportedly quite cheery about this, as he is a well-known fan of 1980s Australian soft rock.

The studio recording of ‘You’re The Voice’ lasts approximately five minutes and one second. As the ten-minute mark was passed, Charles remained optimistic that the singalong would end in ‘just a short while.’

But fourteen hours later, with no end in sight, Charles has begun to worry that he might never escape. The crowd has only grown in fervor, with the bagpipe solo alone lasting four hours.

Inside sources suggest Charles’ anger is encouraging him to view Australia in a dimmer light. ‘Filthy convicts,’ he reportedly muttered, gazing on the sea of proud Queenslanders shredding their vocal chords to Farnham’s triumphant cries. As the singalong enters its 15th hour, he is urgently texting his mother, Queen Elizabeth, asking if they can ‘reinstate colonial rule…these bastards just won’t stop!’

Buckingham Palace has refused to comment, although some indicate they have heard the sounds of ‘You’re The Voice’ emanating from Elizabeth’s UE Boom.

Smith, Bancroft Sentenced To Lengthy Bans; Warner Sentenced To Death

Cricket Australia yesterday announced the sanctions that they will impose on the trio involved in the ball tampering scandal that has consumed the cricketing world.

Steve Smith will face a 12-month ban from all international and domestic cricket. Cameron Bancroft will face a 9-month ban, demonstrating his patsy role in the scandal. David Warner, former Vice-Captain, has been sentenced to death.

“Obviously this incident involves varying magnitudes of wrongdoing,” Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland said when he addressed the media yesterday.

“Cameron was led along, and Steve did nothing to stop the plot. Both of them misled the press and the public. However, David developed the plot and even showed Cameron how to tamper a ball. For that, David’s punishment had to be slightly more severe. Having David escorted to the 19th century American frontier where the townsfolk would gather as he spat vitriolic last words before being left to hang by the neck until dead seemed like a reasonable way to go about it.”

Many in the cricketing community have acknowledged that while they do believe Warner’s wrongdoing to be more serious, having him walk a plank of wood into the stormy sea from the deck of the Black Pearl seemed like a disproportionate response.

Shane Warne was particularly surprised. “When I heard that James Sutherland planned to stage a live re-enactment of The Green Mile starring David Warner at the WACA, I began to ask myself whether the punishment fit the crime.”

CA Head of Integrity Iain Roy also confirmed that Warner would not be considered for future leadership roles upon the conclusion of his punishment. “I can’t remember the last time a deceased person successfully led an international cricket team, so a return to that role did not seem tenable.”

At press time, Warner was seen dragging a cross through Jerusalem shouting, “Darren, why have you forsaken me?” More to come.