Barnaby Joyce Growing Quietly Confident He’ll Be Remembered As Second Worst Cheat of 2018

“Yeah this is all going to plan.”

The Former Deputy Prime Minister, and alleged fuccboi, Barnaby Joyce, has expressed his quiet confidence that he will only be remembered as the second most infamous cheat of 2018.

“Steve has done me a real solid on this one,” Barnaby smirked when The Obiter caught up with him at the Tamworth Hotel. “I reckon I’m still in the running for the silver medal for disgrace at this year's Letdown Olympics. But Smudge’s stock has skyrocketed after an incredible campaign.”

Despite also attempting to cover up ball tampering, Joyce was adamant his scandal will be delegated to the dustbins of history. “People won’t even remember me compared to Steve “Breaking Bad” Smith over here,'” he said, sipping his rum and Coke with an air of satisfied relief.

“This would be like killing someone the day before they caught Ted Bundy. How good!” The former Deputy said the scandal had improved his outlook on his own circumstances. “I mean, I’ve got it pretty good really. Smith had to support a team and an entire sport, I’ve just got to support some kid.”

Our interview was interrupted when Joyce received a Facetime audio call from a contact listed as “Cameron.” “Sorry Obiter, better take this.” As Joyce headed for the urinals, an excitable “You did great mate, you did fucking great,” was heard echoing through the tavern.

Listen, we’ve got heaps of ideas for this one and it’s just so up our alley so there’s probably going to be so much more to come.

Peter Dutton To Branch Into Comedy With Satirical Comments About South African Refugees

Following his comments about fast-tracking refugee status for white South African farmers, the Australian public is beginning to suspect Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton is making a genuine transition to satire.

Given the insane nature of many of his previous statements, regular voters had been suspecting the change for a while now. Many assumed he had been a consummate satirical performer all along. ‘I’ve been voting for a while now, and I the only reason I keep returning to the LNP is because Dutton is the smartest, most subtle comedian since Chris Lilley,’ says voting enthusiast Mike Robson with pearls of maniacal laughter.

Dutton has been commended for jumping at the chance to ‘fast-track’ his own satirical career, by releasing comments suggesting Australia should aggressively adopt a policy of prioritizing white South African farmers in immigration considerations.

‘The rapid release of these comments, and their content, definitely signal a move toward full-time satire, possibly following the footsteps of ex-President George W. Bush,’ says professional career analyst. ‘It was a masterful move – you’ve got an aggressive policy declaration based on shaky evidence, a racial group that he won’t be attacked for satirizing, and an opportunity to backtrack on everything he’s been saying as Minister. Huge!’

The comments struck that elusive balance between provocative and ludicrous, and left the public baffled and unsure of what was real. These are all hallmarks of a great piece of satire.

George Bernstein, satirical cartoonist, warns that these are dangerous times for traditional satirists. “They’re going to put us out of a job! Those damn politicians invading our industry and taking our jobs by doing the very things we make a living off them doing!”

Unfortunately, when The Obiter’s Rohingya-diversity intern attempted to reach the Minister for comment, the automated response instructed her not to queue-jump. She is still on hold.

Breaking: QPAY Accused Of (Law) Ball Tampering

Students across the University of Queensland are outraged by recent accusations that popular payment application, QPAY, has tampered with the (law) ball.

In shocking footage which was sent exclusively to The Obiter, it appears that QPAY has used yellow tape to rough up their website, ensuring it would crash regularly as people attempted to purchase tickets to the Law Ball. This shocking act of tampering is almost unheard of, but several in the ball community have claimed this is ‘not the first time they’ve done this,’ and that ‘using foreign objects to tamper with the ball’ is a systemic issue for QPAY.

Students attempting to purchase tickets to the UQLS Law Ball have been left reeling by the tampering, with their chance to enjoy an evening of frivolity severely crippled by this sickening act of cheating.

Even more disturbing is upon these accusations coming to light, QPAY stuffed the yellow tape down its trousers. We reached out to QPAY to ask how a payment application even has trousers. the response was simply ‘…don’t question our methods. We get results!’ Strange.

In a statement released just a few moments ago, Prime Minister and famously sloppy Law Ball attendee, Malcolm Turnbull, has expressed that the tampering ‘beggars belief,’ and it ‘threatens to cripple the national institution we hold dear – getting absolutely fucking blind in formalwear.’

UQLS investigators are currently on a plane to the QPAY offices, with a four-ball suspension a likely penalty for this sickening occasion of cheating. In the meantime, if you know anyone affected in any way by this awful event, please get in contact at obitereditor@uqls.com.

Yellow Tape Files Sexual Harassment Claim After Being Forced To Touch Cameron Bancroft’s Ball

Adding to the cricketing drama unfolding in South Africa, the piece of yellow tape has filed a sexual harassment claim against Cricket Australia and opening batsman Cameron Bancroft, after being forced into contact with Bancroft’s ball(s) during the recent Test match.

The yellow tape, addressing the media this morning, revealed that it has been ‘completely distraught,’ ever since the actions of Bancroft on Saturday morning. All the more distressing is that this harassment was not the actions of one rogue individual; Steve Smith and the ‘senior leadership group’ were all reportedly involved in the ploy to denigrate and humiliate the yellow tape.

In our interview with Bancroft, he has strenuously denied the allegations, saying the tape ‘…never came into contact with my genitalia, mate, not at all.’ However, after this statement, he gave us a ‘cheeky wink,’ indicative of his guilt. Sickening.

The accusations made by the yellow tape have encouraged other victims to speak out, including the ball, who was ‘repeatedly rubbed and scratched,’ by Bancroft, in a manner described as ‘aggressive.’

All the more disturbing is how premeditated these actions were; it begs belief that a casual lunchtime meeting between esteemed and respected Australian cricketers could give rise to this horrific abuse. Cries for a Royal Commission have been met with approval across both parties in Parliament, as the nation comes to terms with how this was permitted to occur.

Stand strong, yellow tape. The Obiter stands with you.

Cameron Clicks “Interested” on Gap State High School Formal Facebook Event, Sits Back, And Waits For The Likes To Roll The Fuck In

Yep. Today is a good day for Cameron.

It started like any other day. Cameron woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across his head. He plonked himself down at his laptop and started to scroll the Facebook feed. All a normal morning for Cameron.

But then he saw it: the Facebook event for The Gap State High School Formal. First, Cameron was bewildered. Why would a school need to make an event for the formal, and why make it public? This just seemed like the exact virtue signalling Cameron had come to expect from The Gap State High School Marketing team. But an idea began to gestate deep in Cameron’s head.

The Facebook event, as mentioned, was public. Cameron’s admittedly limited grasp of IT and technology led him to believe that a public event is open for anyone to engage with. Now this is an important point – Cameron doesn’t go to The Gap State High School. Cameron never went to The Gap State High School. Cameron has never met anyone who attended a state school, let alone one plonked in the gap between two shit hills. Given the public status of the Facebook event for The Gap State High School Formal, it would be sheer lunacy for Cameron to click ‘attending’ on the event for The Gap State High School Formal. He had no intention of attending The Gap State High School Formal, and if he did Cameron would surely be turned away at the door. After all, Cameron had never been enrolled as a student of The Gap State High School.

Doth madness allow itself to reign supreme?

The idea plonked itself into Cameron like an intestinal worm. This was his chance. “Eureka!” Cameron yelled at his Mum, also named Cameron. “I’ve got it!”

“Got what?” asked Cameron (the mum).

“Get out of my room Cameron,” said Cameron.

“Don’t you call me by your name. I am your mother.” Cameron left in a huff.

“Mothers, am I right,” Cameron knowingly muttered to his desk lamp. “You can say that again,” the lamp responded. Cameron had up until this point been unaware that his desk lamp had acquired the power of speech.

Alas, there were more important tasks at hand and that particular spot of desk magic could be delegated to the backbench of Cameron’s schedule for the time being.

Cameron’s plan was flawless. He would click attending to the Facebook event for The Gap State High School Formal. He would sit back. He would relax. And he would wait for the likes to roll the fuck in. “The newsfeed ain’t gonna know what plonked it,” Cameron said as he lit a cigarette in the afternoon sun. “Welcome to laughter.”

At press time, Cameron had received 2 likes.

Local Sicko Drains Tuna In The Communal Sink

University student and reported ‘pervert’ has just disturbed a kitchen full of his fellow students, using the communal sink to drain his small tin of tuna. We have the exclusive scoop on these sickening events which unfolded in the Walter Harrison Law Library.

Caught in conversation, the students were initially unaware of the horror that was about to ensue. But as the pungent aroma of three-day old tuna liquid filled the room, the students knew exactly what was happening. Almost as disgusting as the smell of the tuna-water draining from the can was the sound emanating from the student who was pouring it. Our unconfirmed reports suggest the student was licking his lips and whispering ‘…tuna, tuna, looks delish, make your home between my lips.’

The sick, disgusting perpetrator is believed to be fifth-year Advertising/Law student, Ryan Bryson. With the help of CCTV footage, library security has been able to identify Ryan, and are now in the process of figuring out where his next tute is, so they can ‘ask him a few questions.’

Meanwhile, as the investigation continues, the public outcry from students have grown stronger and stronger. The TCB School of Law has been placed under enormous pressure to implement a full internal investigation as to how such horror could have happened in such a happy place – the home of food. The communal kitchen.

The Obiter were able to glean insight into this sick bastards’ ways by talking to an ex-tuna-drainer-addict, and the woman responsible for the famous ‘Tuna Incident of 1972,’ Sheena Glassey. According to Sheena, ‘…it starts as just a way to ensure you’re not eating tuna that’s swimming in canned water. But then… it becomes all you can think about. All you can dream about. You’re obsessed with that rush, that sweet, sweet rush… Actually, come to think of it, you guys have any tuna?’

Unfortunately, that interview concluded with Sheena’s addiction resurfacing. But until library security are able to secure the freak who drained the tuna, Mr. Bryson, we advise students to walk in pairs. Stay safe out there.

Friend Who Always Pays For Everyone Develops New System For Debt Collection

A local woman, Ashley Andrews, has recently made waves with a clever concept to ensure she is paid back by her friends. The strategy, hailed as ‘groundbreaking’ by the Australian Financial Review, involves a small percentage addition to the amount owed every week the debt is left unpaid. Brisbane’s own home-grown girl is even being hailed by economists as a modern-day Shylock (of The Merchant of Venice fame).

On many occasions, Ashley has fronted the bill for restaurants, organised and paid for group presents, or bought event tickets for a number of her friends. When we spoke to Ms. Andrews she described the action as “not a hassle”, repeatedly saying that she doesn’t mind constantly being owed hundreds upon hundreds of dollars from her nearest friends. Her ground-breaking strategy began to germinate one day when Ms Andrews was so broke that she could not afford shoes, and had to wear tuckshop bags on her feet to university, like the High Sparrow from Game of Thrones.

“I know I am just the most organised person in the group,” Andrews explained to The Obiter, “I just happen to be the first to offer to pay and I’m happy  to do it, I just don’t want it to be awkward but I am sure there are others who would be willing to pay for everyone.”

Ashley’s altruism and benevolence was going largely unnoticed by the wider community, as she made her quiet contribution without seeking reward or recognition. However, tired of making her friends feel uncomfortable by asking them multiple times to pay her back, Ms Andrews formulated a most ingenious way to motivate her friends to transfer her money quickly. She explains that “basically, if you owe me $23 for a present and you don’t pay within one week, the next week you will owe me $23 plus 10%,” Ms Andrews does some quick sum-work in her head and spits out that the friend owing would be required to pay $25.30 the following week and the week after, 10% more of that latest amount. 

Andrews calls the system “intrigue”, and says there is simple intrigue and compound intrigue. The above example which Ashley uses with her friends is compound intrigue. Ashley states that she simply messages her friends when money is owing, and that by replying to the message, they agree to be contractually bound to the system she set up!

The idea has catapulted Ashley into the limelight, with local economists describing it as “…simplistic, but genuinely earth-shattering” and Ashley’s friends describing it as “an absolute crock of shit…” and “highway robbery”. 

Ashley herself is overwhelmed by the responses. Her clever system has not only meant that she has recovered her debts quicker, but she no longer has to work part-time to support herself, she recoups her living expenses from late payments she is owed. 

“The best part about it is that all the extra things are covered too, I would often spend money on gift wrapping and cards and unpaid corkage but now I don’t have to worry about these things burning a hole in my pocket because the cost has been passed onto the end-user… I mean, my friends” says Ashley Andrews. 

Ashley’s gift of giving has extended even further recently, where she has offered to pay for a house for one of her friends. “I honestly don’t mind, I know I will get paid back in a few decades. They will know to pay me back because if they don’t then they will have to pay lots of intrigue so really everyone wins!

Report: Dad Getting Worryingly Close with SBS On-Demand

For some time now, the Cooke household has been tense. While David Cooke’s affinity for free shit has been a common theme throughout his life, only now is it beginning to cause concern for his family. According to his eldest daughter Lily, things have gotten out of control.

“He won’t stop watching fucking SBS On-demand.”

The embattled teen says that what began with a fairly innocuous recommendation from some dolt at her father’s work to watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi has snowballed into a full-blown addiction to Scandinavian crime drama.

David’s three children all claim to regularly see their father glued to his iPad for up to nine hours at a time while using the streaming service.

“I never get to fucking play Doodle Jump anymore!" sobs fourteen year old Bella, the youngest of the family.

Sources close to the bargain hunter say that the app has catapulted itself into third position on Cooke’s favourite digital hobbies, just behind sending poorly punctuated text messages and never closing any apps on his phone. At press time, Mr Cooke was quick to jump on the defensive. “I’m the bloody paterfamilias, I can watch what I bloody well please!” stated the 54 year old, apparently having absorbed some of that weird Roman period drama he’s been getting into.

While the loss of paternal figures to budget streaming services continues to grind down family values nationwide, CEO of the SBS Michael Ebeid says that “it’s all gravy”. “I’m getting paid like 4 cents for every 40 minutes of mediocre television this bloke watches! Dollar Dollar Bills y’all!”

Dollar Dollar Bills indeed.

Local Man Inspired To Clean His Room A Bit After Watching ‘Queer Eye’

In a trend that is growing increasingly common, a local slob, Greg Burns (22), has been suddenly inspired to clean his room and take a shower after watching an episode of the popular Netflix show, ‘Queer Eye.’

The show follows five gay men, experts in the fields of fashion, culture, and food, as they attempt to improve the lives of men, who are typically sloppy and/or slobs. The incredible transformations and emotional themes of the show have contributed significantly to its popularity, but today, they contributed to Greg Burns’ realization that he “needed to get it together.’

Conveniently ignoring the fact that the show’s incredible makeovers are due to the comprehensive efforts of five experts, Greg has decided he can turn his life around by tidying up his bedroom and have a shower. Because he still lives with his parents, Greg realised he wouldn’t be able to do a complete home makeover. Similarly, because he is lazy and unmotivated, it is unlikely Greg will be able to do more than make his bed, and do a light vacuum.

However, when interviewed by The Obiter, Greg has revealed sweeping plans to ‘be the man I was born to be.’ He plans on painting his room white, to make it feel more spacious, and hanging framed photos of the beach on the wall. He also intends to commit to a comprehensive skincare routine, which will take 30 minutes each day - a ‘low price to pay for self-respect,’ according to Greg.

Greg finished an episode at 3pm, and as 5pm approaches, his initial burst of inspiration seems to be fading. After having a shower and taking a look at his skin, he has reportedly decided that it’s ‘actually all good,’ and that 30 minutes is a waste of time anyway. The big plans for the room have been replaced with ‘replace the sheets.’ Our punters suggest that in one hour, ‘replace the sheets’ will give way to ‘lie in the bed and have a pre-dinner nap.’

Upon waking from his pre-dinner nap, we suspect Greg will fire up Netflix to watch another episode of Queer Eye, continuing this sad, sad cycle. We wish him the best.

High Court of Australia Now Accepting “I Was Hacked Bro” As A Criminal Defence

Sending shockwaves through the legal community, the High Court of Australia has just confirmed ‘I was hacked, bro’ can be used as a defence to criminal charges. In a landmark decision handed down just this morning, James Biggson, originally convicted of ‘sharing someone’s profile picture on Facebook (s282)’ has successfully appealed to the High Court, who overturned the conviction, and suggested that the claim ‘I was hacked,’ is now a compelling legal defence to an array of criminal charges.

The legal community had been watching R v Biggson closely, as many were surprised when the Queensland Supreme Court, and the Queensland Court of Appeal, rejected the ‘I was hacked,’ defence. However, some previous cases before the High Court suggested there was some scope for the defence to operate, as in R v Oakwood, the defence of ‘I didn’t mean to send that text, my friend had my phone,’ succeeded. 

But with today’s decision, the legal community is wondering no longer. President of the Queensland Law Society, Janet Hill, has proudly proclaimed this ‘…a momentous decision in regards to the rights of aggrieved parties who have had their Facebook passwords leaked and/or their phone snatched.’ Pundits at the ABC were quick to recall the decades-old case of Twain v The Queen, where Brian Twain’s ‘I was hacked’ defence was unsuccessful in persuading the court that he had not posted ‘im gay haha’ on Facebook. Twain’s case is now under the microscope yet again.

However, some are less pleased with the ruling. TC Beirne’s Professor Sarah Moran, current lecturer in Law & Technology, told The Obiter that ‘…this will simply make it far easier to murder someone, or steal, and claim you were hacked! After all, if we can hack phones, why can’t we hack people? There’ll be so much hacking – we’ll be hacking lunches, we’ll be hacking coffee! And all of it will be legal!’

Policy concerns seem to have influenced the court’s decision, as many recall the great Birthday Scandal of 2014, wherein substantial state resources were wasted in wishing people happy birthday when it was not, in fact, their birthday.

Nevertheless, as a new day dawns, Australians will now be safe in the knowledge that, no matter what might occur, they can always say ‘I was hacked. Bro.’