Working at Bottle-O Not As Glamorous As Once Thought, Discovers First Year Uni Student

Fresh-faced, chirpy Commerce student James Collins (18) is struggling to come to grips with the fact that his new career, ‘Customer Assistant’ at Dan Murphy’s, isn’t quite what he thought it’d be.

Collins claims that he has dreamt of working at a bottle-o ever since he took his first sip of Goon and Coke at his mates house at 9am on a Tuesday during the Year 10 school holidays. But unfortunately for Collins, the job hasn’t lived up to expectations.

 “Problem numero uno,” stated James, in an exclusive pow-wow with The Obiter. “No employee discount.”

“That’s like half the reason I applied to every bottle-o within a 15km radius of my house - that, and Mum threatened to take my vape if I didn’t start bringing in the dosh.”

The budding scholar hoped that his newfound employment status would boost his income and catapult him into the same social strata as the kids at school who were punching darts in Year 11. However, it seems that his job mostly consists of stocking shelves and telling alcoholics where the Double Black Guaranas are, a fact that apparently everyone else was keenly aware of.

Speaking to The Obiter, Collins was visibly upset, reviling the Dan Murphy’s management who refuse to call him anything but ‘little fella’, and he later eupted into a lengthy diatribe about the lack of Little Fat Lamb stock.

Not all is lost for Collins, however. The young man has reportedly spent every Saturday night since he turned 18 in the upstairs area of the Woolly Mammoth, where he claims he has gotten “…real tight with some chick. Might have to give her 10% off! Ha ha nah but I don’t get a discount so that can’t happen.”

A Beginner’s Guide To Ordering Coffee With Crippling Social Anxiety

*To clarify, you have crippling social anxiety, not the coffee.

Make sure you arrive with enough time to order your coffee and get to wherever you need to be so you arrive just on time, but not too on time. Say you have to be somewhere at 10am. 10.03am is the perfect time to arrive. Let’s say 10.03am.

So, if the line looks like it’ll take 4 minutes, 50 seconds, plus wait time – maybe another 4 minutes? That means you have to be in line by 9.50.39am. Easy!

9.50.38am: Finish these calculations after you walk past the end of the queue. That’s ok. Now you can pretend you’re only stopping for coffee on a whim. You’re breezy.

9.51am: Enter the queue.

9.51.10am: Gee this line is taking a while. What if you don’t make it on time? What if you get fired? Unfriended? What if there’s nowhere to sit? Never fear. Use this time to get prepared! You don’t want to hold up the queue. What if they judge you?

9.51.20am: Keep cup. Check. Phone. Check. Don’t want to look like a loser with nothing to as you wait in line. Ha. Wallet. Um, damn nope that’s not it. Sling your back pack onto one shoulder, maybe its just --- nope. Ok you’re going to have to take your backpack off - you know you packed it.

9.52.01am: Your backpack has one zipper. Why doesn’t your shoulder bend more? Avoid putting your bag on the ground at all costs. One leg up to balance the bag – phone into your pocket. Yep. keep cup in one hand. Free arm in. rummage around. Four pens? An expired voucher ‘buy two, get 10% off’ voucher? Why would you even keep that? Ok. You’ve reached in up to your shoulder. Woah. Do a little hop. Maybe you didn’t pack it? What if you can’t find your wallet before you reach the end of the queue? You know you bought it. What if they judge you for still rummaging when you go to pay? You’ll have to put you bag on the ground. You can’t reach those pockets. Fu---

9.52.10am: Remember putting your wallet into your pocket earlier to avoid this disaster. Nice. Smart. Everyone is probably staring at you.

9.52.13am: No one is staring at you. Or maybe they all just went back to looking like zombies the moment you looked up. Did your tongue stick out when you were getting your wallet out? It did didn’t it. Can you ever show your face here again?

9.52.30am: Okay there’s still two people ahead of you. Time for a nonchalant look at your phone like you have things you could be doing right now instead of lining up for coffee.

9.52.38am: Hover between apps – no you can’t play candy crush in line. What if someone looks over your shoulder and sees you haven’t moved on since 2012!?

9.52.39am: Decide on twitter. Nice. No embarrassing photos of you that might accidentally pop up. Are there?

9.52.40am: Ok you have to actually look busy. They’re all watching. Maybe type up a tweet.

9.53am: Got it. Something fun, intellectual, but not like you’re trying. Let your 20 followers know what you’re up to! ‘Despite the long wait co –’ “NEXT!” your finger slips. ‘—vfefe’.

9.53.28am: Phone down, the cashier is waving at you. Or is it the person behind you? No. its you! Do an exaggerated double take and mouth ‘me?’ just so they know you know it’s you.

9.53.32am: They smile as you approach. Suddenly you are filled with an inane desire to please this person you’ve never met.

9.53.32am: You remember an article you read that said baristas are just as well-studied in their profession as doctors. Maybe try dropping phrases like ‘temper’ ‘notes of oak and cherry’ into your interaction?

9.53.32am: Wait this person is not even a barista! They’re just working the cash register! They probably don’t even know to temper the beans at 96 degrees! Maybe you’ll offend them!

9.53.32am: Remember another article that said hospitality workers spit in your coffee if you’re rude. Say please! Smile!

9.53.32am: Practice your order. They’ll spit in your coffee if it’s too unreasonable! And you’ll have to repeat yourself! Stick to three adjectives. Is that too long? Remember to smile. Small talk. But not about coffee! They know nothing about coffee!

9.53.33am: Panic. Order a ‘huuuge’ cup of hot chocolate with an extra shot of ‘bean water’ please extra hot please with extra foam please.

9.54.20am: Spend the next 3 minutes anxiously starting every time you think you hear your name called. ‘Mark?’ nope. ‘Mick?’ nope. ‘Matt?’ nope. Ahh now you’re looking panicky. Look natural. Lean on the wall or something. ‘Penelope?’ Cross your arms. No. That looks closed off. You’re breezy. ‘Penelope?’ Grin. No. That’s just creepy.

9.54.48am: ‘Penelope?’ … ‘Penelope?’ That’s you! You were too busy acting natural you missed it! What if they spit in your coffee if you’re too slow?

9.57am: Knock into at least 5 people with your back pack as you sprint-dodge to the counter. What if someone steals your drink!?

9.57.38am: Phew. Mission accomplished!

9.57.40am: Take a sip. Gross.

9.58am: Realise you’re going to be late, but not late enough to seem like you were busy doing fun, breezy activities.

…

11.05am: Vividly recall that you’re lactose-intolerant.

…

1.03am: A mocha. You literally could have just said mocha.

…

3.10am: Mocha. Why didn’t you just say mocha?

Revealed: Moshtix and Splendour Do Personally Hate You

In an ongoing investigation, The Obiter have discovered that yes, Moshtix and Splendour do personally hate you. We can reveal that failure to secure Splendour tickets is not due to technical deficiencies, or simply bad luck, but rather, a genuine, personal hatred, emanating from the shady organisation known simply as ‘Moshtix.’

Our investigation began this morning, when millions of Australians took to social media to complain about not being able to buy Splendour tickets, despite the fact this is ‘the best lineup eva!’ Most of the criticism was directed at the ticket purchasing website, Moshtix. But rather than people suggesting that tough luck was to blame, or technological struggles, the bulk of comments questioned ‘... why does Moshtix fucking hate me? #ugh #greenroomstruggles.’

While Moshtix would not formally comment on their blatant company-wide policy of hatred, they made several revealing comments off the record. Their VP of sales, Greg Mosh, revealed ‘...honestly, we do personally hate most of our customers. That’s why we have so many employees - each employee is assigned to single ticket purchaser, and instructed to hate them with all their might.’

When we asked Greg to show us to the ‘Hate Department,’ he denied our request, saying it was ‘top-secret, personal hatred business.’ But as we walked past the sign  saying ‘DoH’ (Department of Hate), we could hear loud exclamations of ‘Woohoo! I just fucked over someone called “KendrickIsMaBoi69”!’ and ‘Thank god - I just denied this guy four tickets for him and his friends! My hatred succeeds!’

Splendour themselves have denied these allegations, stating ‘Splendour is a loving, free environment. We focus on nothing but good vibes, and making an incredible amount of money.’

Meanwhile, another investigation surfaces, as many ticket purchasers are asking ‘how many tickets have they sold? 3? It’s bullshit!’ However, Splendour have swiftly responded that they have actually sold more than 3 tickets.

Anyone got 3-day camping I could buy?

Local Teen Asks Mum To Go On The Pill Because Of ‘Period Pains’

In intriguing scenes, high-school student Miranda Jones (17) has recently plucked up the courage to ask her Mum, Sharon, to book a GP appointment so she can urgently get on the pill. When Sharon asked why she needed to get on the pill so soon, Ms. Jones explained she needed it for ‘um… period pains.’

‘Yeah, my period pain is really bad. Like, um, ouch!’, Miranda told The Obiter.

When we asked whether this was a recent development, Ms. Jones indignantly responded ‘I’ve always had problems with my period and the related pain, I just didn’t want to tell people about it. Grr! I really hate how much it hurts in my.... stomach?’

Although Ms. Jones claims this is unrelated, our inside sources suggest the 17-year-old, after attending a formal with her Mum’s friend’s son, has just scored her first real boyfriend - a sharp-dressing, Tarocash-wearing Year 12,  Chris Robson.

After we reached out to Jones’ mother, she conceded she had never heard her daughter complain about period pains before, but she had heard many fascinating stories about her new boyfriend, Chris.

‘Of course I’ve booked her the the GP appointment,’ said Sharon. ‘I’m glad she’s actually come to me with this, it’s very important to me that she and Chris practice safe and smart.... ways of dealing with her period pains.’

The Obiter awaits further comment from all parties involved, although a source has informed us that Chris appears to be walking with a spring in his step since the news was announced.

More to come.

‘But If I Don’t Post My Splendour Tickets On Insta, How Will People Know I’m Going?!’ Reasons Local Student

Thrilling scenes are unfolding here in Brisbane today, with several students rushing to post their Splendour tickets on social media, ensuring people are fully aware they are attending.

Local Commerce/Marketing student, Jess Barker (20), was filled with a sense of relief after she managed to navigate ‘Moshtix’ and secure her tickets to Splendour In The Grass 2018. But her relief turned to horror, when she realised she hadn’t posted a photo of the tickets on either her Instagram or Snapchat stories.

‘I was so happy when I got the tickets - I’m a huge Kendrick fan! I’ve become really humble lately, in tribute to his song,’ said Jess in an exclusive interview with The Obiter. ‘But as happy as I was, I was terrified that nobody would know I’m going - I hadn’t put it on my Insta story!’

When we asked Jess why she couldn’t just message her friends to let them know she’d secured her tickets, she gave us a blank look, before whispering ‘Get out.’ As we ran away, we bumped into her friend Jason Lara (19), who had also posted photos of his tickets on his Snapchat story, with the caption “See you there Splendy! #yew’.

Jason’s reasoning was more detailed, but no less odd. ‘It’s important for people to know I’m going - the people deserve to know that I am a fan of Kendrick, and Lorde, and that I like smaller bands, like DMA’s and Angus & Julia Stone.’

‘I also hit going on the Facebook event - the people deserve to know!’ he said, before running off to buy an Arctic Monkeys vinyl album. The Obiter then checked Instagram, and as the number of Splendour-related stories grew, it became clearer and clearer that the fears of many local students are being avoided.

Anyway, meet you sort of near the middle and back a few rows for Vampire Weekend?

Breaking: Uni Is Going Good, Thanks

In a shocking piece of news, which will send shockwaves throughout Australian culture for decades to come, it has been revealed exclusively to The Obiter that ‘...yeah, uni is going good, thanks.’

Our source, who we cannot reveal due to the Protected Information Act 2009 (Cth), has indicated that ‘...yeah, haven’t had much assessment lately actually, but um… I think I’ve got a big-ish essay due in a couple weeks, so got that on the horizon.’ Incredible. We honestly feel truly privileged to break this story; we cannot overstate the impact of discovering that ‘...3rd year, yeah, in 3rd year now.’

We stumbled across this interview, this incredible piece of news, simply by accident. The Obiter was walking to Merlo’s to pick up ‘just a medium flat white thanks mate,’ when we were fortunate enough to come across our source. The interview begun, and the insights we have gleaned are obviously of substantial importance, to university life, to Australian life, and to an extent, the human condition.

More than just merely finding out that ‘uni is going good,’ we even found out ‘....yeah, just studying Commerce/Arts. Wouldn’t mind transferring to Law but no stress either way - just getting through it, you know?’ Oh, we know. We know. We know what it’s like to feel your fingers trembling as you type this article, the most important, powerful piece of journalism to hit the UQ St Lucia campus.

We tried to ask our source if he’d submit to some follow-up questions, potentially ‘over a beer sometime,’ and we’re proud to report that his response was ‘...oh yeah, I’ll… I’ll message you mate.’

Great news!

“Facebook Is Doomed To Fail,” Woman Posts On Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg’s marathon testimony before the United States Congress this week has raised questions over the future of the social media platform and whether the company will be subjected to regulation. For one woman, however, the testimony raised no questions at all.

Only answers.

Ailish Regardo (32) has reportedly made up her mind on the fate of Facebook. “It’s all over,” she explained in a statement sent to The Obiter over Messenger. “I just cannot see anyone using Facebook anymore in light of what we now know.”

In the days preceding our several direct messages and Messenger audio calls with Ms Regardo, the engaged citizen of the web posted no less than three articles per day about the unfolding Facebook crisis. “Yep. Hate to break it to you, Mark – you’re done,” Ms Regardo captioned her latest post in which she shared a Washington Post article that outlined the testimony’s recent developments.

While some believe Mark Zuckerberg can recover from the data-breach scandal, Ms Regardo is not so optimistic. “My status about Zuckerberg breaking the public’s trust got 14 likes, 3 loves and 2 angrys. The lack of wows is really indicative that people are taking this breach seriously.”

Ms Regardo has already begun the process of disaffiliating from the platform. “I have taken the immediate measure of deleting the Facebook app from my phone,” she said in her reply to a comment on the aforementioned post.

At press time, Ms Regardo was seen logging into Facebook in Safari.

Confusing: Mark Zuckerberg Signs Statutory Declaration Claiming He Is Human

Mark Zuckerberg’s congressional hearings, regarding his position as CEO of Facebook and its controversial approach to data collection and privacy, have taken a turn for the strange, as Zuckerberg has proudly presented a statutory declaration that he is a ‘human male.’ 

As Day 2 of the hearings began, many expected them continue as before, with Senators slowly chipping away at Zuckerberg’s ‘cool guy’ persona. However, as Mr. Zuckerberg walked through the doors at 8.50am EST, yelling ‘...look right here, Senators!’ the press, onlookers, and members of Congress were treated to one of the most intriguing monologues in recent memory.

Smiling aggressively, Mr. Zuckerberg began to read from his statutory declaration. ‘I, Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, hereby declare, with appropriate witnesses, that I am a human. A human male. A male of the human species. I solemnly and sincerely declare my willingness to submit to DNA testing regarding my humanhood, but I doubt this will be necessary. In full knowledge that my comments will be legally binding, I honestly and proudly say that I am a homo sapien.’

His face seemed to expect applause and adoration, but he was met simply with blank stares from Senators, and the rapid snapping of cameras. Unfazed, he sipped from a glass of water, and continued. ‘I am just like you. I am a full-blooded, red-meat-eating, American male. I enjoy human pursuits. I breathe same oxygen as you. We share similar genital structures. In all senses of the word, I am human.’

The shocked members of Congress, amid awkward muttering, decided to postpone the hearings for several hours. At 12.30pm EST, it was reported Mr Zuckerberg had not yet moved.

Zuckerberg expert Aaron Sorkin spoke with The Obiter. ‘This is typical Zuck behaviour. I was his best friend. You know what’s cooler than a million dollars? A billion dollars. Let’s gut the friggin nerd.’ Aaron continued to speak nonsense as we slowly walked away.

Another strange day in DC.

McDonald’s Announces New ‘Broncos Burger’ Will Be Made Entirely Out Of Horse Meat

In response to pressure by fans, fast-food giant McDonald’s will revamp its ‘Broncos Burger,’ with the patties to be made entirely of ground horse meat.     

Brisbane Broncos fans are famously passionate about their team, and about their sport, but so far, McDonald’s have struggled to make them passionate about a burger which is effectively a Quarter Pounder with some lettuce (and a hefty price tag!). But in a bold strategy, the beef patty will be replaced with one exclusively made from ‘broncos’ – wild horses, captured by Ronald McDonald, and cooked into a 250g patty.

McDonald’s marketing coordinator, Johnald McDonald, is enthusiastically promoting the change. ‘We know how much NRL fans love to support their teams both on, and off, the field, so in recognition of this, we are releasing this unique, signature burgers.’

Excitingly, the plan will not stop merely at ‘Broncos Burgers.’ According to Johnald, ‘…each club will have its own unique burger, relevant to the club’s history and mascot.’

The proposed ‘expansion range’ of burgers will include a chicken burger in Bondi, a shark burger in Cronulla, and a burger made from the meat of supple, strong jackaroos across country Queensland, for the Cowboys. Whilst some have suggested McDonald’s should not murder jackaroos for the purpose of a limited-time burger, those suggestions have been shot down, along with the people who made them.

Unfortunately, as they are rarely found in the wild, McDonald’s has suffered a tougher time in trying to source the meat for both Newcastle Knights, and Gold Coast Titans, burgers. Although, no-one is really a fan of the Titans, so we highly doubt McDonald’s will be too stressed.

More information to follow.

Report: The Second Week Of The Midsem Break Also Doesn’t Know What To Do With Itself

In heartbreaking scenes, The Obiter can exclusively reveal that the second week of the midsemester break also has no clue what to do with itself.

In a move some viewed with hope, and others viewed with fear, a second week was added to the midsemester break in Semester 1, ostensibly for the ‘Commonwealth Games.’ But apart from the people who spend one hour at the athletics and post eleven Instagram stories of it, very few are using the break to visit the Games.

Many students have reported feeling ‘lost,’ and ‘confused.’ They are not alone; our analysis indicates that whilst 82% of students caught up on ‘some’ work during the first week, that number has dropped to 43% in the second week. Whilst this may simply indicate students completed their work in the first week, we have also seen some alarming numbers about Netflix viewing. 97% of students reported Netflix usage in the first week. But in week two? A pathetic 64%. It seems like students honestly just don’t know what to do with themselves.

But they’re not alone.The second week of the break also has no idea what to do with itself. All sources indicate it’s been sitting at home, intermittently getting excited by a text in the group chat, or a mouthwatering UberEats order.

When we interviewed the second week of the break, about what the highlight of the extended break has been, it seemed confused.

‘I’ve… I’ve almost never been in this position before. Usually I’m the second week of the winter or summer holidays, and there’s always something for me to do. But now, I… I don’t know,’ it said, checking Blackboard for the ninth time that day.

This is a truly sorry sight, and one that broke our hearts. Things are getting so bad for the second week, it’s begun to try to relive the first week, by hiding Easter eggs around the house, becoming so blindingly inebriated it forgets where it hid them, and then having a joyous Wednesday morning of searching for them.

Amidst all this waywardness, there is some hope. With effectively five days of holidays left, the second week has decided to become fit, going for a 2km run this morning and stretching for three minutes. We expect this to last until Monday the 16th.