'I'm Going To Put Beer In My Cereal!' Says Schoolie Having The Loosest Time, Legit

‘Froot loops and Tooheys? Yeah, I’m an animal. What of it?’

A local ‘loose nut’ and Year 12 graduate, Nick Rawson (17), has today confirmed he is having the most insane, loose time at Schoolies, by informing The Obiter that this morning he filled his cereal bowl with beer - the milk of the Party Boy.

After several days of drinking, sleeping, and eating, Nick decided to take things to the next level. But after he finished punching holes in walls with his mates from St. Damian’s College, he realised he needed to step up his game.

Vomiting in sinks wasn’t going to cut it anymore. Nick needed to get the edge over the competition, to prove his credentials as the sickest fella on Cavill Ave.

An ice-cold can of Tooheys’ New, and a bowl of a cereal already lacking in dietary fibre and nutritional value, would be the tools this innovator would use to take his ‘pisscannon’ reputation up a notch.

‘Full-cream milk? For cowards. Skim milk? For cowards. In fact, if you’re eating cereal with anything other than a frothy one, or maybe even a Milton Mango, you’re a genuine coward, and you should be taken out the back and shot,’ said Nick, clearly tipsy from his three spoonfuls of fucking rank cereal.

As he grimaced and struggled his way through half the bowl, the frosty sweetness of the Loops combining awkwardly with the yeasty flair of the lager beer, his pained smiles provided enormous insight into the difficulties experienced by those who feel pressured to perform their masculinity in a hypermasculine environment.

But when he vomited a little bit back into the bowl, our sympathy largely flew out the window. This was a genuine dingus we were dealing with.

What could we do? Before our interview could continue, we were unceremoniously kicked out of Crown. Turns out you can’t be a twenty-something uni student and just hang around Schoolies in hope of a laugh for your satirical news page.

What a crock.

Weird Cousin’s Gritty 42* In Backyard Cricket Enough To Warrant Australian Selection

In these dire times for Australian cricket, coach Justin Langer and the national selectors have been looking for young, talented batsmen who can drag a flagging Australian side out of the quagmire of regular batting failures and collapses.

Sheffield Shield cricket, and the BBL, have long been considered the proving ground for young players. But backyard cricket now appears to be the hottest ticket for a way into the Test side, with a local ‘weird’ cousin’s classy innings of 42* warranting a Baggy Green cap.

Stevie Pearce (11), an odd little man who picks at his scabs and watched Law & Order: SVU when he was far too young, is as talented a cricketer as he is at making new friends, which is to say, not overly.

But for Justin Langer, Australian cricket in 2018 is not about talent - it’s about grit, it’s about heart, and it’s about the fact Stevie was able to last ninety-eight deliveries against 16-year-old cousins were bowling bouncers like they were going out of fashion.

‘Pretty hard to keep it cool when a red leather ball is flying at your skull,’ said Stevie, sucking down a Zooper Dooper midway through his brave, match-defining innings.

‘But it’s just like finding a magpie at the playground and kissing its feathers - second nature to me!’ the little guy chuckled, unaware of how shocked we were at that disturbing revelation.

Stevie’s battered Rebel Sport bat was a clear indicator of his ability to hang around and frustrate the bowlers, and the bruises on his body that day showed that he had the courage necessary to come out at No. 3 against India in December.

Apparently, he’s happy to forgo his match payment, as long as he’s allowed to have sausage rolls dipped in chocolate milk for lunch, a deal that Shane Warne is also reportedly trying to get in on.

When questioned about the interesting new selection, coach Langer suggested it was ‘time to look outside the typical paths to success.’

‘The backyards of Australia are a breeding ground for cricketing talent and intense psychological examination. Why we haven’t been looking here earlier is truly beyond me!’

More to come.

Opinion: Smartwatches Not Nearly As Cool As Spy Kids 2 Had Me Believe

The realities of the modern world make many early works of science fiction seem primitive. Yet fiction doesn’t always get it right, sometimes we dare to transform these crazy concepts into a reality but fall so desperately short that we are left wondering whether we should have even tried.

I’m talking in particular about smart watches.

The imagination of the entire world was captured when the much anticipated Spy Kids 2 leapt onto our screens in 2002. Critics were stunned, asking questions like ‘Who gave this movie the greenlight?’, ‘Will Danny Trejo’s career ever recover?’ or most importantly, ‘Dang, I wonder when we’ll be able to get our hands on one of those fancy watches!’

Oh boy, those watches were something. Total communications centre, those babies will give you everything you need, except tell the time.

What’s that I hear you ask, they won’t tell the time?

That’s right, not only were these watches cutting-edge, they were rebellious, sexy and left you wanting more.

You could take these bad boys tell hell and back, push them to their limits and all they’d ask is simply ‘Is that it? Is that all you’ve got?’

If only they had stayed in the realm of fiction. I cast my mind back to April 2014, sitting in-front of the TV with my Lite’N’Easy microwavable meal in my lap as I listened to Tim Cook unveil the Apple Watch. I trembled with excitement as I imagined myself, a real life action hero, ready to take on the world, augmented by the machine on my wrist.

Never have I felt more betrayed.

The disappointment that now hangs limply from my wrist is a far cry from the spy watch Machete (Danny Trejo) handed to Juni Cortez (Daryl Sabara). There are no holograms, no lasers, no sex appeal!. It actually tells the time, a sort of nerdy brother to its rebellious conceptual It tells me to stand up every hour (not very spy like) and I have to take it off during exams.

Perhaps none had higher hopes for the smart watch than Daryl Sabara. He dreamt of the day he could wield a smart watch as powerful as the one he helped bring to life in 2002. But alas there are no holograms, just a reminder to pick up more batteries for Meghan Trainor’s vibrator.

‘Still Haven’t Got My Public International Law Assignment Back’ Says Managing Partner Of Major Brisbane Firm

While the entire PIL cohort anxiously await the results from their 50% mid semester essay, interesting allegations from the profession have started to emerge. Reports indicate that lawyers who graduated over thirty years ago are still yet to receive their results and individual feedback.

In an interview, John McGrammar, a senior partner in a top tier firm confirmed that he gave up trying to contact the course coordinator about his essay over a decade ago.

‘They’re under a fair bit of pressure, these academics, it must be tough.’

Our reports indicate that public international lawyers are not bound by traditional deadlines due to a loophole. That they public international law is not in fact real law. Our field reporter caught up with Brian Lara (lecturer in Public International Law, no relation to the famous Test cricketer with a great average and an even greater smile) and Rain Liivoja who were enjoying appletinis in the pool bar at the Naviti Resort Fiji.

‘The thing that these students don’t understand is that it takes a substantial amount of time skim and moderate these essays,’ Brian Lara explained between sips of his creamy beverage.

‘Ya ya, you can’t rush these things, I’m still getting my head around opinio juris as it is,’ interjected Rain.

Conspiracy theorists have surfaced, claiming that the old assignments were never marked and Rain actually uses the paper as insulation in the walls of his house when it gets too warm and/or too cold.

‘At the end of the day, knowing your marks isn’t going to change how you perform on the exam so you can stop emailing me,’ added Rain.

Hopefully more to come - for the farmers’ sake.

POLS Student Who Discards Halloween As An ‘American Tradition’ Hasn't Taken Eyes Off CNN

Fascinating news coming out of the St Lucia campus today, as a man plays out his internal struggles between hating American traditions and loving American politics.

‘Ugh, Halloween is just so Americanized. So capitalist. We don’t need to inherit that bullshit, we’re our own country,’ stated David Saunders (18), a first-year Political Science student with seven Twitter followers, as his eyes remained glued to the CNN livestream on his laptop.

We spotted David in the Law Library, ostensibly studying for his POLS1301 exam later this week. But after closer examination at his laptop screen, it seemed he had nineteen different tabs open, all reporting on the state of the US midterm elections.

Hot takes from The New York Times, The Guardian, The Washington Post, Vox, Crooked Media, and Nate Silver’s Twitter have been all David can look at today, despite the fact he relentlessly dismisses Halloween as a ‘foolish American tradition’ that only ‘lazy Australians’ care about.

It was only last week when he claimed he was ‘happy’ he hadn’t been invited to any Halloween parties, seeing as they are a ‘shithouse tradition.’ Indeed, when a friend of his even dared suggest he should put out a bowl of Caramello Koals for any children who should walk by, he scoffed and stated he would ‘not be complicit in this country’s obesity crisis. Not now, not ever!’

It looks like David probably won’t address this hypocrisy, and spend the rest of the day rampantly obsessed with the minutiae of why Beto’s message failed in Waller County, and whether it was a mistake for Joe Donnelly to vote against Brett Kavanaugh.

Good luck, David.

Obiter Editors Pretty Keen To Get A Cease-and-Desist Notice

With the rise of social media news outlet satire, there are some big players in the game. The Onion, that one with the red logo that everyone knows, Amazing Facts with EB, and of course, The Obiter.

These pages jostle and jockey for position like the horsies that go run run on the day that everyone doesn’t work for a while in the country. But like these horses, a true sign of victory is being asked to stop.

Some satirical outlets have received a few Cease-and-Desist letters from the big players in the game of life, proving at the very least a) these outlets have some impact and b) those big players have the same sense of fun as the big mean guy who wants to wreck UQ’s House of Fun, the Schonell, because he hates the arts and having fun and probably drinks beer with a curly straw.*

*If that guy takes offence, please please send us a C&D (we’d just fucking love one at this point).

It transpires that Obiter Editors are now really hankering for that joy of getting the knock on their electronic doors telling them to stop tugging on the heartstrings of the nation through the careful acupuncture of topically sensitive nerves.

As one Editor stated to anyone who would listen, ‘It’s the sign of ultimate respect! Imagine posting that up - the likes! The charisma! Oh shit is it really 10 minutes past 8, my first-year tourism exam just started!’

Inspiring stuff. So far all the Obiter has received are three letters from the Deputy President to be: U and UP?.Alright, ya sex pest.

Fingers crossed for more.

‘You Only Care One Day A Year!’ Says Local Genius In Possession Of Greatest Comeback Of All Time

Jack Patterson (21) is a Tarocash-wearing, Carlton Dry-drinking legend amongst his group of mates, who adore ‘Patto’ for his ‘lethal’ banter, and his ability to ‘totally own any SJWs or whingy girls who try to own us.’

But today this absolute weapon has unveiled his trump card in the field of being unnecessarily argumentative with those who hold honest and justified opinions, by commenting on every anti-horse-racing social media post with ‘but you only care one day a year!’

This nuclear option is not deployed lightly. Jack has spent the last several months devising this powerful slice of verbal gymnastics, this ultimate weapon of mass destruction, trotting out failed variants at Doomben every other weekend.

Comebacks which reportedly failed to make it through include ‘Yeah, but horses are fun to bet on,’ ‘don’t be a cuck,’ and ‘reply to my Tinder message, bitch.’

But after these months of experimentation, he has finally settled on ‘you only care one day a year’ as the masterstroke. Skillfully combining his trademark artful expression, and the sheer power of logic, ‘Patto’ can’t wait to deploy it on anyone who dares hold an opinion he disagrees with on Melbourne Cup day.

‘Seriously, just can’t fucking wait to use it against anyone who tries me. I’ll even do it against people in real life, just trying to have a chat with their friends.’

‘I’m an alpha. Watch and learn.’

Reports indicate the last time ‘Patto’ was sighted was face-down in his own Vodka Cruiser-tinged vomit, scrotum hanging out of his nylon suit pants, with a crowd of his mates taking photos of this ‘all-time great.’

Onya, Patto.

Social Media Activist's High Horse Collapses So She Has To Shoot It

Today features some heartbreaking news coming out of inner-city Brisbane suburb, West End, as a brave young social media activist has been forced to shoot her high horse after it collapsed.

The activist, Kathleen Salisbury (24), is a vocal advocate on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Bumble, for the rights of animals. She has a particular passion for the rights and liberties of horses, with a high horse named ‘Sass Machine’ that she has been riding upon for some years.

But after realising that her high horse has collapsed after a lunchtime at work where she ‘admittedly really enjoyed Flemington Race 7,’ Kathleen has been driven to a position where she has to shoot her high horse.

Putting down animals is never easy, but when it’s a high horse that has served you ever since you first read queer feminist theory in a first-university course entitled ‘POLY1000: Australian Social Policy & Its Consequences,’ it can be particularly difficult. It’s a high horse that even helped your Instagram transition into a fully-fledged campaign account for Stacey Abrams, Democratic candidate for governor in Georgia.

Whilst her friends have informed her that such dramatic measures are probably a little extreme, and she can have nuance in her views, Kathleen reportedly won’t have a bar of it.

‘The agonizing moans of my collapsed high horse can be heard up and down the sharehouses of Vulture St,’ Kathleen informed us.

‘I have to be merciful.’

As a stringent anti-gun activist and committed pacifist, Kathleen admittedly wonders how she’ll go about the actual process of killing her high horse. Starvation? Sleeping pill overdose?

Regardless, today is certainly a dark day for many, least of all the unfortunate high horses all across Australia.

Spooky! For Halloween, This 9-Year Old Dressed Up As His Parent’s Divorce

Halloween is here! The spookiest time of year gives way for all sorts of ghouls and goblins to creep around Balmoral.

But Jamie Adams, a 9-year old from Brisbane, may have already won the spooky award for this year.

Jamie wanted to go further than his classmates this year and dress as the scariest scare he’d ever had: the fateful August day two years ago when his parents revealed they were getting a divorce.

Zoinks! Talk about a scare! Apparently Jamie didn’t see his Dad for 3 months following the traumatic conversation. Solve that, Scooby Doo!

Mummies from Egypt might be scary, but mummies with new boyfriends are even worse, Jamie has learned throughout the most trying period of his young life.

Jamie has gone all out, wrapping himself in the pre-nuptial agreement that his parents forgot to make! Boooo!!

Jamie hopes to win his schools scary award were dashed when his classmate Susie dressed as Mohammed Bin Salman.

More to come.

Cricket Australia Ethics Review Reveals It’s Not Unethical To Find Your Cousin Hot

On Monday, the Ethics Centre released the results of their review of the ethical and cultural position of the Australian cricket team, Cricket Australia, and the state of the sport in Australia. Several fiery revelations were uncovered, particularly regarding the fractured relationship between Cricket Australia and the players.

A number of recommendations have also been made, 42 in total, with the goal of improving the state of the game in Australia.

However, keen observers have noticed a pretty odd theme underlying some of the investigation and recommendations - the Ethics Centre’s obsession with determining whether it’s unethical to find your cousin hot. Spoiler alert: they conclude it isn’t unethical.

On page seventy, amidst a discussion of the endemic cultural issues within Cricket Australia, the review reads ‘... and thus the relationship between the CA CEO and Test captain should improve. Similarly, it’s perfectly appropriate to find your first cousin attractive. The ethical issues which have plagued the men’s cricket team are numerous, but one issue that is well above board is having the quiet thought that your relatives are pretty hot. That’s absolutely fine.’

This conclusion has been described by some as ‘the answer to the question no-one was asking,’ and by others as ‘fucking weird.’

Prominent cricketer and media personality, Shane Warne, spoke out in defence of the Ethics Centre’s decision to investigate what they clearly believed to be a vexing question at the heart of ethical issues in sport.

‘Nah, I fully understand why they did it. Cover all bases, that sort of thing. And besides, haven’t you always wanted to know?’

‘Anyway, my book ‘No Spin’ is out this week so grab a copy before it spins out of your grasp.’

Haha! Get em, Shane!