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Cookie Monster Hospitalised With Scurvy

March 11, 2019 The Obiter
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At 8.15am this morning, popular children’s entertainer and self-confessed ‘cookie addict,’ Cookie Monster, was admitted to St Andrew’s War Memorial Hospital in Spring Hill, with an acute case of scurvy.

Whilst the precise pathology of Cookie’s disease is yet to be known to the public, we can report that our best medical experts have laid the blame squarely at the feet of a single lifestyle habit. And it will shock you.

‘It’s the fact he only eats cookies. It’s a miracle he hasn’t already suffered from hypertension, liver failure, skyrocketing cholesterol, an iron deficiency, and to be honest, pretty much anything that isn’t Marfan syndrome,’ stated Dr Harald Doofenschmirtz (no relation), a clinical physician at The Wesley Hospital.

Cookie was found by his younger brother, Mark, face-down on the carpet of his Auchenflower home, surrounded by flecks of vomit and cookie crumbs. When checked for signs of life, Mark was relieved to hear his older brother murmur ‘Cookie, cookie,’ but called the ambulance regardless.

It now looks as if this bold lifestyle choice made by Cookie is paying off in the worst way possible. Scurvy, a disease caused by acute Vitamin C deficiency, can result in decreased blood cells, gum disease, and bleeding from the skin.

Left untreated, scurvy victims can die from infections, or bleeding.

We can only hope that Cookie Monster, body filled with tubes, IV drips, and every medical approach to removing cookies from the bloodstream, can treat this as the wake-up call he requires.

Because he’s been a friend to us all. And we always thought we’d have a chance to say goodbye. But who knows? Time is fleeting. Spend it eating Vitamin C, not cookies.

More to come from this sexy blue cookie addict.

Tags Science

Triple J Executes Entire Male Staff For International Women’s Day

March 8, 2019 The Obiter
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Ita Buttrose has begun her reign as Chairwoman of the ABC by announcing the mass culling of any male staff in the Triple J office this Friday.

The national youth broadcaster has traditionally shown some mild form solidarity towards women through their ‘girls to the front campaign,’ stacking the airwaves with female presenters and artists. However, reports indicate Buttrose felt, although well-intentioned, the move was not radical enough to achieve meaningful change.

‘I actually got the idea from a lovely gentleman named Darren in our Facebook comments that said if women get paid less, why don’t you just hire only them,’ explained Buttrose.

‘So, today the halls of the ABC will be filled with crimson equality!’

Chaotic scenes ensued, after a memo calling women to arms was distributed at lunchtime. Breakfast hosts Ben and Liam, who had enjoyed a rare weekday sleep-in, were bound and gagged before being paraded around the office.

‘We’re not fucking around’, screamed Veronica, as she plunged a dagger into Lewis’ chest.

Tom Tilley had barricaded himself in a supply closet and was sobbing as Brooke broke down the door with an axe. ‘Heeeeeeeeeere’s Boney!’ she screamed maniacally, as she showed a weeping Tilley the true meaning of Hack.

Long-term friendships were cast aside, as Linda Marigliano used piano wire to hang Dr Karl from an exit sign. ‘You old fool, you have bestowed the sacred knowledge upon me. Now I wear the party shirt!’ she cackled.

While potentially detrimental to the station’s regular programming, the textline has been generally enthusiastic about the day, with many listeners texting in ‘gnarly’ and Susie from Mt Gambier texting in ‘You girls rock, I’m G Flippin’ the fuck out right now!’

Was this a move toward gender equality, or will it only serve to cause a greater rift in opportunity? Only time will tell.

More to come.

Tags Australiana

'Woo! Girl Power!' Thinks H&M Sweatshop Labourer Paid 19c/Hr

March 7, 2019 The Obiter
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‘Yeah, the shirts I’m making say ‘Girl Power,’ and ‘The Future Is Female,’ so I’m not too worried about this whole ‘exploitation thing’, to be honest,’ said seven-year-old Prisha Chowdhury, who has been working at the fast-fashion factory for over four years now.

‘They seem to have it under control. After all, this matching pajama set ($24.99 RRP) clearly states ‘SISTERHOOD.’ And there’s no way the sisterhood wouldn’t care equally about those who make these shirts as those who buy them!’

In the past four years, Prisha has risen through the ranks to become one of the most senior managers in the factory which produces fashion items for global brands such as H&M, Cotton On, and Zara.

And with that new level of seniority has come a pay rise. Prisha is now earning the staggering salary of 45c/hr, a far cry from the entry-level wage of 17c/hr which she had become accustomed to.

But despite being a seven-year old fast-fashion factory worker/manager, some commentators worldwide have indicated the conditions in which Prisha have been working are ‘tantamount to modern slavery,’ and ‘rely on the exploitation of women.’

However, those arguments can immediately be set aside when you look at the clothes they’re making, indicates Prisha.

In our exclusive sit-down interview, whilst she was on a break from a nineteen-hour shift where she was given water once and allowed to go to the bathroom never, Prisha suggested that ‘girl power is clearly coming through loud and clear from these shirts.’

‘I mean, what sort of company would make this stuff without being committed to these ideals? And I’ll bet you five dollars, my salary for two years, that people wouldn’t buy these if they weren’t overwhelmingly happy with our working conditions.’

‘So don’t stress!’ Our interview abruptly came to a close when two five-year-old labourers fainted on the factory floor whilst stitching a tote bag with the logo of ‘Femme + Fierce.’ But after a cup of warm water and a firm slap, they were back in action in no time!

Contacted for comment about the plight of girls like Prisha, and the 40 million young, disproportionately female workers trapped in near-slavery worldwide, the managing director of H&M, Karl-Johan Persson, replied ‘Seven years old and she’s already a senior manager in a factory? Wow. Talk about #GirlBoss.’

‘She’s kicking goals and smashing expectations. She might even be on her way to a little raise - we might take her all the way to 48c/hr!’

When informed that paying her 48c/hr would immediately ruin H&M’s profit margin, Mr Persson indicated she would stay at 45c/hr, but ‘she should be very proud of that glass ceiling she’s smashing!’

Hoping for no more to come.

Tags Politics

Disgrace! Man Not Given 3-Hour Blowjob Despite Posting Woke Status For International Women’s Day

March 7, 2019 The Obiter
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In a move that rivals Eve’s consumption of the Forbidden Fruit for its stunning treachery and deceit, we can sadly report this morning that area women have denied local feminist ally, Elliot Cox (22), a three-hour-long blowjob, despite the fact that he posted a woke status celebrating International Women’s Day that received hundreds of likes.

Despicable! His birthright has been stripped away from him. This summons bile to the throat and tears to the eyes.

If Elliot can’t get an epic, three-hour-long extravaganza of oral sex for posting about the systemic oppression of women in an inherently patriarchal social structure, then what point is there in living?

In an act that demonstrates the inherent selfishness of all women, the Earth’s entire population of female beings collectively chose not to perform fellatio upon Elliot, even though he is one of the good guys that doesn’t call for the outright sexual enslavement of all women in a Handmaid’s Tale style dystopia. Wow - that sounds like a guy that deserves sex!

The fact his status was a repurposed Clementine Ford argument (who Elliot quietly describes as a ‘bit much’) shouldn’t harm his chances at ejaculation. Nor should the fact that Elliot took advantage of an intoxicated staffer at a Labor Left function.

The man suggests women should enjoy comparatively similar rights to men, for Christ’s sake. Give him some sex!

All we know is that this is completely fucked. If a man professes himself to be a feminist ally, women owe him sex. It’s as simple as that. One of the suffragettes said that. Or was it Germaine Greer? Who knows, who reads those feminazis anyway?

Elliot just informed us that his unopened copy of “The Female Eunuch” occupies pride of place on his bedside table.

At press time, Elliot was proceeding to slut shame all 3.8 billion women on Planet Earth for not orally stimulating his penis as reward for his feminism.

Men are great, so there’s so much more to come!

Tags Lifestyle

Tinder Guy Who Labels Himself ‘Not A Dickhead’ Most Likely A Dickhead

March 7, 2019 The Obiter
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Our recent investigation into the use of social media dating platform, Tinder, by young Australian males, has revealed valuable insights and a staggering amount of unsolicited penis photos (or ‘diccpiccs,’ as they are otherwise known).

We’ve been able to unearth a clear positive correlation between men who proudly proclaim to not be ‘a dickhead’ in their profile, and men who can objectively be classified as dickheads.

Unbelievable! We never would’ve guessed that someone who is so insecure about their dickheadery as to post it on their public profile, is actually a true dickhead. Truly shocking!

This ironic contradiction isn’t the only startling thing we found.

For one, a dick pic we were sent featured a man cradling his testicles with what appeared to be a white, bedazzled, Michael Jackson-style glove. Now, we’re not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, but certainly startling.

We unearthed a number of other key findings from our journey into Tinderland.

‘Not looking for anything serious,’ with a winky tongue emoji was revealed to be the most popular sentence contained in the biography section of a Tinder profile. Of course, often the men who aren’t looking for anything serious are the ones who will be completely devastated if you don’t reply to their message within an hour, but that’s besides the point.

In second place for most popular sentence in the biography was the ever-illuminating ‘Have car. Have job.’

It is genuinely astounding that this is what is used to attract a sexual partner - a vehicle and employment. Looks like the bare minimum of adulthood is now a substitute for seduction. Can’t wait to see ‘Have Lime Scooter account. Have casual job,’ as the new substitute.

Speaking of the art of seduction, the act of taking photos with stranger’s dogs is a common practice among users of the app.

‘Yeah, birds fucking froth that,’ commented a subject of our investigation, Harrison, 21, University of Queensland (3km away).

‘Best place to do it is at a café if you see like a nice golden retriever, or actually a sausage dog, yeah, they’re good for the swipes.’

Makes sense.

Almost as much sense as Harrison’s bio, ‘6’3 [surfboard emoji] yewwwwww.’

Just when we thought that there couldn’t possibly be anything more to know about this guy, a scroll revealed another section of the bio. Harrison has included his top Spotify artists, which include the likes of Sticky Fingers, Mac Demarco and Oasis. This curated discography appears to be a desperate substitute for a personality.

When questioned about whether Harrison actually listens to these artists, he became defensive. ‘Oath, they’re just solid tunes! Like I went to a Mac Demarco gig in 2018, before triple J even knew her. She’s so much better live aha.’

The success rate of these profiles is still unclear. A follow up investigation on the relationship between dirt bikes in profile pictures and frequency of female orgasms is being proposed.

Anyways, here’s Wonderwall.

More to come (but not the ladies of Brisbane).

Tags Lifestyle

Ice Remains Firmly Intact Following First Tutorial

March 6, 2019 The Obiter
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UQ Economics tutor Robbie Murray has suffered through a painful first day at the office, as his ECON1010 class remained a frigid dustbowl despite his best efforts to conduct icebreaker activities.

With incredibly naïve optimism, Murray began the 10am tute by asking for a volunteer to stand up and announce their name, degree, and what they did on the holidays. After an uncomfortably long silence, Murray kicked off the exercise himself with a somewhat overprepared account of his various hikes in the Scenic Rim area over the summer.

It was only at this point that Murray began to panic, proceeding to ask a series of increasingly irrelevant questions to nobody in particular, concluding with, ‘so what’s everyone’s favourite emoji?’

Now in a fugue state, he answered his own question with the depressing statement, ‘the poo one,’ broke down in a heap, and mercifully dismissed the class early at 10:20am.

The fourth year Economics/Law student picked up the part time gig ‘for a bit of coin and maybe some clout with the faculty,’ but is already questioning his decision mere days into the semester.

The young academic says he began to lose his mettle when he noticed a first year put his AirPods in midway through his lengthy description of Mount Barney National Park.

‘I have absolutely no authority and these kids can smell it,’ Murray said in an exclusive, perhaps sensual interview with The Obiter.

While there are unlikely to be any friendships formed amongst the students in Murray’s tutorial group, he remains hopeful that he can steer them through the challenges of Playconomics.

We wish him the best. No more to come.

Tags University

AIDs Is Cured! I’d Better Tell The Bully Who Said He Got It From My Profile Picture

March 5, 2019 The Obiter
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The world wakes today a rare helping of incredible, great news: HIV has been reportedly completely cured in a second patient, a giant milestone in the AIDs epidemic.

For those suffering from the disease, this is life-changing news. Which is why I must waste no time in informing the local bully that his days are not as numbered as he once thought!

You see, several nights ago it occurred to me that I had not changed my Facebook profile picture for many months.

‘Time for a change,’ I whispered, smiling as I uploaded what I described at that time as a ‘certified ‘like’ magnet.’ I thought it was my best yet: fun smile, pressed linen button-up, a Jason Mraz inspired hat. I looked very smart and nice. Mum said I looked ‘cute,’ but I think that may have been pushing it a bit.

So you can imagine my shock when I learned that not only had the profile picture failed to impress some people - it had grave flow on effects that I truly didn’t see coming in a million years!

You see, reader, it was mere minutes after the upload that Eddy, the big mean school bully from school, commented on the new picture.

‘Fucking hell,’ he wrote, the profanity masking the devastating blow which was to come.

‘This picture just gave me AIDs.’

Now I’ll admit it here and now. I haven’t always been the biggest fan of Eddy, the big mean school bully from school. He was mean, and often double-dacked in front of the entire quadrangle. Talk about a tough Monday! One second it’s handball and Maxibons, next second all of upper primary are receiving a bountiful visual serving of my doodle!

However, despite my misgivings, I never intended for Eddy to contract an acquired immunodeficiency disease from observing my photograph.

Here I was, trying to put my best foot forward. But instead of pleasing the masses, i accidentally interfered with a colleague’s ability to fight infections. That’s high school for you!

I never knew my picture could anger Eddy’s blood cells to start attacking themselves more in a more brutal manner than Eddy attacked me behind the cricket nets last week. What a kerfuffle!

I was overjoyed to hear that there is hope in the fight against AIDS, as it mean I won’t be responsible for killing the local bully!

A big relief is putting it mildly.

Thank you to the doctors and researchers who made saving Ed from this disease possible! You’re heroes. In the meantime, I learned a valuable lesson: you can never be too careful with what you put on the internet.

And that’s something we can all agree on.

Plenty more to come, but hopefully no more double-dacking!

Tags Science

Steven Spielberg Set To Direct Next Penrith Panthers Sex Tape

March 4, 2019 The Obiter
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After three videos leaked online showing Penrith Panthers players having quite disturbing sex while their teammates watch, CEO of the NRL, Todd Greenberg, has decided to lean into the series of sex-tape scandals, and use the substantial budget at his disposal to hire legendary Steven Spielberg to helm the next sex tape.

Entitled ‘Jurassic Pork,’ Spielberg will collaborate with the presently-unnamed Penrith players, along with sex-tape consultant Dylan Napa, and Panthers general manager Phil Gould, to create a visual and sensory experience second to none in the sex-tape arena.

‘Look, the videos are gonna get out there whether we like it or not,’ said Greenberg, speaking to the media today.

‘We might as well make them high-quality.’

‘Besides, with Spielberg directing, he’ll be less likely to approve the dialogue of calling a woman a ‘ratbag’. What even is a ratbag? Indiana Jones might not have loved rats, but it didn’t lead to Spielberg hurling ratbags into his films.’

Spielberg has indicated to journalists that after directing cinematic masterpieces, such as Schindler’s List and Jaws, this should be child’s play. Except, of course, children should never do this sort of play.

Rumours also abound that Spielberg’s longtime collaborator, John Williams, will be brought on board to score the sex tape.

‘I’ve never scored a sex video,’ says Williams, 86. ‘But I’m thinking light strings and subtle oboe during foreplay, then leading boldly into the Jurassic Park theme when they finally get it on.’

Great call, Williams. We eagerly await the final product.

Plenty more to come (although Greenberg probably wishes otherwise).

Tags Sports

‘Oh, I Can Stop Anytime,’ Says Mate With Crippling Gambling Addiction

March 4, 2019 The Obiter
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Getting on the punt is one of the great Aussie traditions.

If you find yourself spending a lazy Sunday afternoon drinking a cold one at the bowls club with your mates, it’s perfectly natural to be overcome with the sudden urge to put a couple pineapples on the pokies at their local leagues club.

Who can honestly say they haven’t been there?

Nothing beats the exhilaration that comes with a big win. But gambling can be a problem for the best of us. Lulled into a dangerous, unconscious stupor by the soothing bright lights of the machines, we all know what it’s like to be dragged kicking and screaming from Lightning Link at 3 in the morning, having lost thousands.

Fuck me dead, it ain’t pretty!

That’s why it’s just so great to hear this morning from your mate Brendan, who indicated that he definitely doesn’t have a crippling gambling problem.

Your mates have been worried for him ever since he started blowing off beers with the boys in order to spend more time with the pokies. But Brendan has promised everything’s sweet.

Yes, he might have taken out thousands in high-interest payday loans to fuel his crushing addiction.Yes, he might have developed a thousand-yard stare. Yes, dark shadows have formed under his eyes as a result of his chronic lack of sleep.

But Brendo has assured you that he can stop any time he likes, he just doesn’t want to yet.

Quitting isn’t a problem for him. It’s just that he doesn’t plan on quitting until he makes back all the money he’s lost. He probably has it all under control, and isn’t that all that matters?

At press time, Brendan had moved back home with his elderly parents after Øvrevoll Hosle had defied their recent poor form in the Norwegian women's football second division, completely fucking his multis.

But he’s assured you that she’ll be right, so no need to worry. He will be back on his feet in no time!

Please God, no more to come.

Tags Australiana

Leaked Game Of Thrones Spoiler! George R.R. Martin Dies At The End

March 4, 2019 The Obiter
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As the world prepares for the arrival of the final six episodes of HBO’s juggernaut fantasy series, Game of Thrones, the entire production team has gone into complete media lockdown as a means of negating modern television’s worst fear. Something that can tank even the greatest show.

Spoilers. Filthy, filthy spoilers. Spoily spoilers that spoil like spoilt fruit, or dare I say it, spoilt milk.

Sadly for showrunners Damien Benioff and D.W. Weiss, and the cast and crew of the HBO programme, a major spoiler has just leaked about the conclusion of the series. A website dedicated exclusively to GoT developments, ‘Ru Paul’s Dragon Race,’ posted a story today claiming that sources close to the writing room have leaked the ending of the series.

The anonymous source is only identified by the public username ‘Yass_Slaay_Kingslayer_06,’ and is responsible for the explosive spoilers.

Shockingly, the series is said to end with the death of George RR Martin, series creator and author of the novels from which the TV show was adapted.

‘His loss will be a long-time coming but pretty consequential for the direction of the series,’ the source wrote.

‘This will be bigger than the Red Wedding, more heartwrenching than the Red Wedding, and more destructive than the Red Wedding… shit, The Rains of Castamere was a good episode.’

‘To be honest, the death of George Rartin Rartin Martin is set to bring the story grinding to a halt.’

In fact, the leak seems to believe that, in what would be an unprecedented ending for a major television series, the death of Martin will precede a sudden and jarring end to Game of Thrones.

No explanation, no resolution – just one death that will end it all.

More to come from this rapidly unspooling spoiler.

Tags Lifestyle
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