Dean Patrick Parkinson Condemns Pagan Great Court Easter Egg Hunt

UQ Law Dean, Patrick Parkinson, was reportedly filled with a profound rage on Tuesday morning, as he glowered from his office window in the Forgan Smith Building at the filthy heathens below participating in the pagan ritual of the ‘Great Court Easter Egg Hunt.’

Gazing upon the sea of foul, unbelieving, mindless students competing to find the coloured plastic eggs scattered around the Great Court and various other UQ locations, Parkinson reflected on Easter’s sinful and unholy pagan origins.

Originally celebrating the feast of the Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring and renewal, Eostre, any attempt to pretend Easter is a Christian tradition is simply an intriguing piece of pagan trickery. Parkinson immediately entreated into his office, to swiftly write and put out a communique banning law students from participating in any and all pagan rituals.

‘Forgive them Lord, for though they have lust in their hearts and so take the heathen Druid idol of the egg for their God, they know not what they do. Spare them the eternal tortures of the burning lake of fire and appear in their hearts, so that they might seek you out again of their own accord.’

At press time, he was exhorting students to turn their back on sin and enter into the eternal love of Jesus Christ by conducting rogue baptisms in the algae-bloom tinged, polluted UQ lakes.

More to come, from this John the Baptist-esque figure who knows his way around the law.

Blind Man Has Never Seen ‘Game Of Thrones’

Robert Paulson (27), a local accountant and completely blind man, has shocked his office today with the revelation that he’s ‘never seen Game of Thrones.’

Touted as the new veganism, the declaration that one has never seen HBO’s fantasy megahit has been criticised as a needless attempt to signal one’s freethinking, independent mind, that isn’t ruled by the little rows of pixels that we call television.

And for Paulson’s office, the mid-tier accounting firm Strickland & Associates, Robert’s declaration that he’s simply never witnessed ‘Game Of Thrones’ with his own eyes has led to genuine outrage.

‘How have you avoided it? It’s seriously, like, the best. I mean, Jon? Sansa? Daenerys? Robin Arryn’s raw eroticism, embodied in him sucking on nipples like his life depends on it?’ questioned Lara Rogers in HR, the quizzical look on her face pretty much lost on Robert.

‘Yeah, as I said, I’ve just never found the time, nor the capacity, to see it,’ responded Robert, before being sharply cut off by the CFO’s loud declaration of ‘bullshit! It’s the best, bro!’

However, despite the harsh reaction of Robert’s office, inside sources suggest that Robert’s claim to have never seen ‘Game Of Thrones’ may be masking the truth - that he is a huge fan of George RR Martin’s written work, and has listened to the audiobooks of ASOIAF on countless occasions.

His deskmate, Brandon Steyn, revealed to us in a hushed interview in a crypt below Eagle Street.

‘Robert’s rebellion against Game of Thrones was built on a lie. He’s never been not a fan. He’s listened to the audiobooks.’

However, regardless of the veracity of Robert’s claim, our reports indicate his deaf friends have all ‘never heard of it.’

Nothing more to see here!

Triple-Shot Flat White Fairly Good Indication That Someone’s Taking Mid-Sems Seriously

With his AirPods in, textbooks clutched tight, and triple-shot flat white cradled in his hands, it’s a pretty safe bet to say Marcus Pattinson (20) is taking mid-sems alarmingly seriously.

The third-year Arts/Commerce student told himself two weeks ago that he really needed to get his act together, and whilst that hasn’t physically manifested in anything resembling getting his act together, it has certainly shown up in Marcus’ coffee order.

Assuming he can use caffeine as a shortcut to getting weirdly serious about uni, Marcus has upped his intake to a regulation triple-shot, and is reportedly considering donning the Black Mask (or, as it’s known to the commonfolk, drinking long blacks). But for outside observers, Marcus’ ostensible attempts to ‘get serious’ are amounting to little more than pathetic failures.

‘Get over yourself, mate, it’s a 20% multiple-choice exam,’ said one of Marcus’ friends in a hushed, intimate interview with The Obiter in the Law Library disabled bathrooms.

‘He’s been chirping away so much about how it’s time to knuckle down, but the hardest I’ve seen him work this past week was when he was deciding which packet of new highlighters to buy.’

‘You can’t highlight a better personality.’

That extremely bitter interview aside, it’s become rapidly obvious to everyone on campus that a coffee-focused approach to mid-sems is a bit tragic, and ultimately, everyone should just chill out until the day before their Torts exam, whereupon they immediately freak out and lose their minds.

This was well thought-out! No more to come.

Heartbreak! Pete Buttigieg Killed Off In ‘Game Of Thrones’ Premiere

Winter has come.

Fans of fantasy phenomenon, ‘Game of Thrones,’ have learned the hard way that even their favourite characters aren’t safe. And while the devoted followers knew that the showrunners would be aiming to make waves with the premiere of the final season, nothing could have prepared fans for this.

In the opening moments of the episode, the characters were all congregating at Winterfell. Out of nowhere, 37-year old Mayor of South Bend, Indiana and 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg wandered into frame.

‘Morning guys,’ Mayor Pete said to the gang as he grasped Jon Snow warmly on the shoulder. ‘I’m Pete and I’m running for President.’

Oh shit. Viewers were immediately concerned for the millennial war veteran whose husband Chasten is an emerging social media sensation. Surely the showrunners wouldn’t introduce a character this likeable and conscious of climate change because he has to consider what the world will be like in the year 2054 (the year he reaches the current age of the current President) if they didn’t have grave ideas in mind.

Indeed, Mayor Pete had barely begun outlining his reforms to the Supreme Court to Bran when a big stinky Republican white walker (yeah, you bet he’s white) rode into Winterfell on an electoral minority and stabbed gay progressive Pete in the heart – a big target, we’ll concede!

That white walker’s name: Donald Drumpy Dump. President of the United HATES of America.

TV is a distraction. Rise. Fight. Resist.

We can win. We have an army of the dead – they’re in The White House.

And the scariest part?

It’s true.

Workplaces Enjoy Most Productive Monday Ever As Employees Stay Off Social Media For Some Reason

Workplaces across Australia have expressed a mix of joy and surprise after enjoying their most productive Monday ever recorded.

‘We have hit goals that we did not expect to be reached until July 2020,’ General Manager of Ernst & Young, David Rich, told The Obiter.

‘It’s unfathomable.’

According to research conducted very quickly and efficiently, the workforce of Australia have enabled this ground-breaking day by reducing their social media usage at work by a whopping 8000%.

‘It’s like no one was on Facebook or Instagram all day,’ CFO of Herbert Smith Freehills Adam McMoney reported.

‘Even Google was avoided, just to be safe.’

Reportedly, online socialising was not the only communication reduced today. People were seen walking hurriedly through work corridors, eyes down, fingers in ears, yelling ‘DON’T, DON’T, FUCKING DON’T.’

While the origins of this productivity are yet to be discovered, one thing can be certain: Bran dies.

Way more to come.

Game Of Thrones Producers Getting Nervous About Final Season Clashing With ‘Billions’

The final season of ‘Game Of Thrones’ is only moments away. However, whilst the lead up to the final season of the HBO fantasy series should be a time of excitement and celebration, showrunners Damien Benioff and D.W. Weiss have conceded that they are ‘shitting themselves,’ about an unfortunate scheduling clash.

‘Of course Billions is airing new episodes on Stan,’ Weiss told The Obiter.

‘Just our fucking luck.’

‘Way to piss on our parade, Paul Giamatti and guy from Homeland,’ tweeted a livid Kit Harrington.

The atmosphere at the premiere of the first episode of the final season could be described as low-energy and tired. ‘We had all these empty seats at the event,’ an HBO spokeswoman recounted.

‘Apparently, even members of the GoT cast had opted to have a night in and binge Billions. Who can blame them? It’s about money and stuff, I think.’

Such a shame for the cast and crew of the niche fantasy series, with a small but dedicated following, that they had to premiere their last episodes at the same time as megahit phenomenon Bill-fucking-ions.

We can’t all be the best.

Nah legit though, does anyone watch Billions? Like, I feel like it’s on billboards and in my Insta feed as a sponsored post all the time but I can’t with honesty say I have ever spoken to a sentient human who has watched it.

Weird. Snore to come!

Breaking: Underpaid Indian Feast Workers Also Exploited By Semper

A few weeks ago, UQU student publication proudly released their investigative piece into Indian Feast’s repeated habit of underpaying staff.

This was posted to Facebook, and disseminated among the campus, drawing reactions such as ‘Wow! This is great journalism!’ and ‘Semper killing it again!’ from fellow UQU members, and a general air of ‘yeah, I guess that’s a pretty shitty thing for Indian Feast to do,’ from the general public.

The Semper investigation focused on the exploitation of labour, with Indian Feast’s objectively delicious butter chicken unable to distract from their repeated incidents of failing to pay their workers their fair share.

However, as The Obiter can now exclusively reveal, the results of our own investigation have indicated that it is not only Indian Feast exploiting underpaid Indian Feast workers.

It’s also Semper!

The underpaid worker in question, identified in the Semper article as ‘Prijwal’ (not his real name, but also like, you couldn’t have just called him Anonymous? I understand why you wouldn’t call him John Doe, but did there even need to be a specified name?) has come forward to The Obiter with documents that reveal that Semper paid him literally nothing for his story.

Talk about exploitation! Whilst the Semper writers might like to sit in their ivory towers, made of ivory and crocodile tears spun into a load-bearing form of concrete (don’t ask how), writing about how criminal it is to only pay a worker $12/hr, we think they’re forgetting that $12/hr is more than they paid ‘Prijwal.’

In fact, it’s literally infinitely more, given they paid him the princely, handsome sum of $0/hr. We all know that crime doesn’t pay, but clearly helping fourth-year Journalism students and Labor Right staffers get a ‘scoop’ really doesn’t pay either.

Shocking news. No more to come.

*It’s worth clarifying that we’re also not paying Prijwal for this article, because we think at the point where three university institutions are not paying/underpaying him, that almost becomes a bit funny. Like, how unlucky can you get?

Bad Luck, Israel Folau! Scientists Just Confirmed That Jesus Was A Lesbian

The staunchly Christian rugby-playing community is in shock today, as research from the Institute for Posthumous Outing (funded by GetUp! and bizarrely, Mark Holden) has finally gotten to the bottom of one of humanity’s oldest inquiries.

Was Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Messiah, the Saviour of Mankind... a lesbian?

The answer, according to lead researcher David Karnik, is yes.

‘We’ve uncovered fresh evidence from early Gospel fragments and the DNA on the Shroud of Turin, and quite frankly the findings were a surprise,’ said Dr Karnik at press time.

‘He had the lesbian gene.’

This undeniable evidence has shined a spotlight on dual international and former AFL shitkicker Israel Folau, who has frequently voiced his anti-LGBTQ views on social media, culminating in a particularly vicious post last night.

Ariana Grande, who somehow knew before the rest of us that God is a woman and didn’t want to share it with the class, has also received significant media attention.

Folau is said by a close source to be ‘devastated’ that his horribly homophobic social media posts would have offended the Son of God.

‘I have always followed Jesus’ teachings and they have guided me to great success,’ said Folau in a prepared statement.

‘That is why, with this news, I have decided to come out as a lesbian. God hates straights. I’m off to buy a DVD box set of every season of The L Word.’

Best of luck with your new ‘lifestyle,’ Izzy.

More to come!

Disgrace! UQLS Yet To Invite The Obiter’s Henry & Joe To Perform ‘Shallow’ At Law Ball

The 2019 UQLS Executive, led by President Maggie Hawkins, have enjoyed a scandal-free tenure so far. However, good things must come to an end.

As of the time this expose is being written, President Hawkins and the UQLS have not yet invited Obiter Editor-in-Chief Joe Dwyer or contributor, Deputy President, and insatiable sex addict Henry ‘Boom Room’ Bretz to perform ‘Shallow’ at the UQ Law Ball.

The magnitude of this development cannot be overstated, but nor can it be misunderstood. Therefore, we will aim to outline the facts as objectively as possible.

At approximately 7pm on Sunday 31st March, the Facebook event for the UQ Law Ball went live. Tickets would not go on sale until Wednesday 3rd April. At this point, Joe and Henry were sure that the invitation to perform Shallow, the Oscar-winning song from ‘A Star Is Born,’ would be forthcoming.

Sunday night passed. No matter, the editors thought. Perhaps the hectic nature of the event launch had meant smaller, less important tasks had filled the time of President Hawkins and Vice-President (Socials) Joel Townsley. The announcement that the two boys would be covering Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga’s soaring ballad on the stage at Law Ball would be given its own media coverage once the initial event hype died down. Smart, thought the boys.

Monday came and went; no word from the UQLS. At this stage, The Obiter team met for an emergency meeting. It is important to understand that the entire Obiter enterprise had spent valuable time crafting this performance.

At this time, we can confirm a rumour first reported in Semper Floreat: Lachlan Glaves will be performing ‘the worm’ during the performance in what we envision will be the biggest dance circle the North has ever seen.

Drew Pavlou had already built a grassroots movement to raise small donations to fund the performance, with the average donation sitting at $16.50. Jack Hardy and Samantha Haran were planning a press tour to promote the performance on Sunrise, Today and The Project. Regular contributor Mike Fielding had been locked in to perform saxophone during the performance.

The team retained some hope in the meeting. It was only Monday. Perhaps the email invite had bounced back without any member of the UQLS Socials team noticing.

Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Over the weekend, the decision was made. The Obiter would not stand idly by and watch the UQLS promote a ball that did not feature an Obiter performance of Shallow. To do so would be a display of submission and cowardice. We will not allow the UQLS to prevent the people from getting what they want: a brave take on Shallow by Henry and Joe and Glavesy worms his heart out on that damn floor.

This resistance will create tension and potentially rifts within the UQLS; Henry is Maggie’s Deputy President and a good friend of both her and Vice-President Townsley. But there are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends on the Exec.

This whistle blow is just the beginning. There is much work to be done to secure a guarantee from President Hawkins that the Shallow performance will take place at Ball on the 27th during a break of the band, Who Is John (who are apparently bloody great but just aren’t at the level of carrying a cover of Shallow with Obiter assistance).

Public pressure. Canvassing at Ball. Resistance. With this plan, we can perform. Tickets are on sale until Friday – with enough action before that time we can make this happen. But we cannot do it alone.

Let them play.

Local Brisbane Band Yells Out ‘Thank You, Brisbane!’ As If They’ve Played Anywhere Else

In a fascinating turn of events at The Brightside, local indie-funk-rock group, ‘Loose Change,’ have just ended their 25-minute set with loud yelling of ‘thank you, Brisbane!’ to a largely disinterested crowd.

It seems like the lead singer of Loose Change, Rory Worthington (22), has decided it appropriate to thank the city they’re playing in, despite the fact this is their fifth gig and they’ve literally only ever played within an 800m radius of The Brightside.

Loose Change, a band of three best mates from high school and one bassist that one of them met at uni (who’s a bit older, and it’s a bit weird) have spent the last month making a name for themselves as one of Brisbane’s top ten funk-influenced indie-dance-rock acts, second only to The Decibels and Mr Death’s Fun Time Band.

Triumphantly playing to audiences of at least seven at premier venues such as Rory’s backyard, Black Bear Lodge, and the pinnacle of music in Brisbane, Blute’s Bar, the reputation of Loose Change has been rapidly growing as ‘alright,’ ‘not bad,’ and ‘they’re all mates of mine, so I probably have to go.’

But surely those positive reactions will all change after this evening, where a needlessly bold thanks to Brisbane has forced audience members to realise that Loose Change may have lost their already loose grip on reality.

‘Seriously, who do they think they are?’ asked 18-year-old Liz Murray, the younger sister of Rory’s beleaguered girlfriend, Cat. ‘They’ve played The Brightside twice, and all of a sudden they’re fucking Phil Collins, thanking each city they’ve been in.’

‘God forbid they start thanking suburbs - if you’re playing The Triffid, there’s no need to thank Newstead.’

Loose Change have declined to comment, stating they’re too busy focusing on a jaunty, funky cover of Toto, by Africa.

Surely there’s no more to come.