‘Oohf, Really Needed This Break,’ Says Unemployed Student Doing 2 Subjects

Fuck me. How good are long weekends!

With Monday a public holiday because of Labour Day or some shit, we are all getting a much deserved break - and Christ, I tell you what, we bloody needed it!

One bloke in your local group chat probably doesn’t need it though. And this is why you and your mates are looking on him with so much suspicion, as he speaks about his relief to get off the grind.

James sent the following message to the chat, at approximately 1635 hours.

‘Strewth cobbas! Really needed this one, hey.’

This is really quite perplexing, since James doesn’t work, and is supported through university by his parents. This is made doubly perplexing by the fact that he is doing only two arts subjects this semester.

No one knows why he feels that he has been busy, or why he feels he needs a break. It’s a bit of a head scratcher.

At press time, everyone in the group chat was ignoring James’ suggestion of a boys’ fishing trip to mark the long weekend, and instead focusing on literally anything other than a boys’ fishing trip to mark the long weekend.

Hopefully nothing more to come.

Girl Describing Herself As 'Sweet But A Psycho' Probably Just A Psycho

Ava Max’s pop hit ‘Sweet But Pyscho’ is not merely a candy-sweet confection of synth-pop energy and poetic lyrics. It has served as inspiration for Instagram bios, brunch captions, and as a genuine identity. One such person to adopt the song lyrics as their identity is third-year Arts/Commerce student, Kate Helton (20).

‘Haha yeah, that song totally speaks to me - I’m totally that sweet but a psycho type!’ said Kate blatantly ignoring the fact she’s probably just a psycho, and the sweetest thing she’s done this year is put an extra teaspoon of sugar in her goddamned coffee.

It’s not even that we at The Obiter know Kate particularly well, we just think it’s safe to say that as a general rule, people who aren’t psychos don’t describe themself as anything which involves the label of ‘psycho.’

And taking bizarre pride in the label of ‘little bit psycho’ is not really in the arena of a typically ‘sweet’ person.

Arguably, it’s a good thing people don’t adopt their entire identity from pop hits. If everyone decided to live their lives in accordance with Imagine Dragons’ ‘Radioactive,’ we’d have more thyroid cancer than Chernobyl, and if we all adopted the message of Niall Horan’s ‘Slow Hands,’ a coffee would take an hour to make (because your barista would have slow hands - very clever, you know).

But for all those who find themselves identifying a little too closely with ‘Sweet But Psycho,’ just remember - it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the fight of the dog in the size.

And with that, Happy Wednesday!

So much more to come.

‘Yeah Dude, She’s A Psycho,’ Says Man Describing Girlfriend’s Reasonable Complaints About Relationship

‘Bro, she’s absolutely cuckoo. Like, I can’t even begin to explain how crazy she’s been,’ stated Bryson Frizell (24), a real estate representative for Ray White, and Coorparoo local.

Bryson’s relationship with his girlfriend, Lara, has been shaky for some time, with Bryson’s patented blend of laziness and arrogance slowly beginning to rub Lara the wrong way.

If Bryson’s words were to be believed, he is currently living a bizarre blend of Shutter Island and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, wherein his girlfriend has truly lost her mind, and is torturing him every day with her brand of insanity.

However, outside observers have comfortably concluded that Bryson isn’t dating a ‘deranged psycho,’ and in fact, her complaints about the relationship are pretty reasonable. These complaints include ‘wash your sheets more than twice a year,’ ‘shower more than twice a week,’ and ‘try to remember my birthday, please.’

Nevertheless, any attempt to open a reasonable, mature discussion about issues within the relationship have been met with blank stares from Bryson, and his hushed mutterings of ‘chill out.’

Whilst he describes her as a ‘crazy bitch’ to his friends, our intimate interviews with a handful of Bryson’s mates suggest their picture is radically different.

‘Yeah, she honestly seems fine. Wasn’t crazy about Captain America: Civil War, which is a shame, but she’s definitely not this loose cannon that he’s cracked her up to be,’ stated David Markey, with his twin brother, Michael Markey, suggesting that ‘...she’s actually delightful.’

Ah well, in matters like this, who can you really believe?

No more to come.

Kermit The Frog Getting Pretty Sick Of Another Man's Hand Up His Ass

It might not be easy being green, but it’s certainly difficult to sustain an entertainment career with another man’s hand squarely up your ass, as local frog icon Kermit was happy to share with us.

‘Yeah, I’m just fucking over it, to be honest,’ shared the frog in an honest interview with The Obiter at Merlo’s this morning.

When we’d reached out to Kermit’s management several months ago, we had thought it highly unlikely we’d get a reply, particularly on the issue of any difficulties Mr. Kermit may have faced by having another person’s appendage inside him for the entirety of his career.

But to our surprise, Kermit was happy to have a chat with us, given he’s in town promoting his latest tell-all book, ‘Kokaine Kermit: The Muppet Show In 1980s Hollywood,’ and its related speaking tour, which has been the subject of student protests for its alarmingly Islamophobic content.

‘I understand that it’s probably necessary for my career, but it’s bloody painful, to say nothing of the lack of privacy,’ he muttered, in that iconic Southern drawl for which Kermit is well known.

Using his green lips to slurp up a babycino, he whispered ‘that’s good,’ before continuing.

‘I don’t have much time left in my career, I get that, so I’ll just have to tough it out. But I dream of the day I can stand on my own two feet, as opposed to sort of three feet? If you think of the puppet operator’s arm as a third foot, which I definitely do, it’s how I deal with it…’ he trailed off, looking into the distance.

Suddenly, Miss Piggy stormed in, terminating the interview. ‘There’s been a death in the family,’ she muttered, before storming away, in much the same way she stormed into the interview.

Fascinating. Definitely no more to come.

Scott Morrison Baptized In Tooheys’ New In Attempt To Secure 'Blokey Christian' Vote

The campaign trail is difficult even for the toughest politicians, and for Prime Minister Scott Morrison, the cracks are beginning to show. Emphasising his Cronulla Sharks membership, passion for beer, and relentless use of the word ‘mate,’ Morrison seems to be basing his campaign around the idea that he’s a ‘regular bloke.’

This electoral strategy is obviously genius, with Australia having a history of electing such ‘regular blokes’ as onion-eating Tony Abbott, China-obssessive Kevin Rudd, Renaissance nerd Paul Keating, and the weirdest of them all, rugby-union-enjoying John Howard.

However, the ‘regular Aussie blokey bloke blokester’ strategy has resulted in some interesting campaign tactics, such as this morning’s ‘Beers, Baptisms, and Bibles’ event, in country NSW town of Coonabarabran.

Filling an Aldi blow-up swimming pool with cans upon cans of Tooheys’ New, the Prime Minister then conducted an impromptu ‘Beer Baptism’ with local pastor, police chief, and owner of one of the two pubs in town, Father Brian Howard.

‘We ask the Lord cast away the sins of being a cuck, being a soyboy, and being a latte liberal,’ pleaded Father Howard to the heavens, as Morrison slowly stripped down to his Cronulla Sharks boxers, and plunged into the lukewarm pond of Tooheys’ New.

‘Let your son be reborn in the heaven’s nectar, this liquid concoction of yeast and barley which calls men to greatness.’

Morrison’s head was then held in the beer until he could barely breathe, like that scene where Euron gets baptised in Game of Thrones. Bursting up from the amber depths of Australia’s ninth-favourite lager, Morrison yelled ‘Yes, the boys!’ before towelling himself off with a sweat rag Paul Gallen used in July 2011.

Campaign advisers have told us to expect more.

More to come (obviously).

Mum Reviews ‘Avengers: Endgame’

Well, thanks everyone for coming around tonight. Donelle, you look amazing, what have you done with your eyebrows? How's Sammy?

Oh yeah that's nice my Trent is doing the same thing he said it was difficult to find a job. Yeah? Oh, okay, well I'll tell Trent to lift his game! Hah!

I think Marnie will be here soon? She's always late, hah! Did you see her photos on instagram? She and Scott always have such a great time and they are always going overseas, I wish I could.

Anyway, we should watch this film. Okay, so does this have the Batman? Okay, who's this one? Oh, you know my friend knows Neil from that office, why don't I get Trent to talk to him?

Okay so this is the one where they all had the big crystal stuff? Oh, no here's Marnie. Yes, hey Marnie - I know, I was stuck in traffic for so long yesterday, it’s a nightmare.

Here, sorry the place is a mess. You shouldn't have! Okay well I've got some salad in the fridge, it's not very nice though I can never to the recipe right. How were your travels? Oh really? With that girl from the gym? Well that is not good. Photos were great though!

Okay so now there's all these people. Oh look, Eric Bana as Green Man! I loved him in Romulus big Daddy. Did you see it Donelle?

Really I think all these films are a bit silly. I just can't follow it with all the noise and bright lights! Oh, that man's got a haircut. I should definitely get Trent to get a haircut he's trying to grow it out after school but it looks awful.

Well, this is a long film, but now they're on another planet? Is that Mars? Yes that's fine Donelle, just go out the back Trent has asthma.

I can't believe Donelle still smokes what a mess. Marnie stop crying I can't hear the hot guy speak. Nice to see they've got a couple of girls in the cast this used to be such a boys club. Which of the characters are they in love with? I reckon the redhead girl will end up with the guy from the rom com movies. She was in Lost in Translation, my hubbie LOVES that film I just don't see why.

Marnie seriously I know its hard but honest to god I need to watch this film I don't care about Scott, just find someone else to take nice photos with. No, sorry! Marnie! Ah well.

Okay well it's just me. Damn Donelle is taking so long. Is she smoking a whole packet. Her son is such a dickhead but he's doing better than Trent, damn. I bet they think about us all the time.

5 stars.

UQLS Executive Breathes Sigh of Relief After Zero Law Ball Fatalities This Year

We all remember Law Ball 2018, and the frustrating massacre of youth that really put a damper on the evening. After all, once you’ve paid at least $100 for a ticket, you really shouldn’t be confronted with an unseasonable amount of death and destruction.

That’s why the UQLS Executive can breathe a big sigh of relief, and even dare to pat themselves on the back, for the success that was Law Ball 2019: A Story To Tell. And the real story from the night was the fantastically executed lack of executions.

Positive feedback from students has been overwhelming. Shorter lines, nicer venue, better food.

And for the first time in UQLS history, a glittering zero fatalities.

That’s right. Law Ball 2019 marked the first time in the event’s rich history to see zero fatalities. Where Law Ball 2018 saw nineteen violent deaths, with causes ranging from the frightening to the silly (being stabbed by a reanimated pulled pork slider somehow being both), Law Ball 2019 saw none. Zilch. Zero.

For current UQLS President, Margaret Cunningham, who grew to power on the back of a ‘Less Deaths At Law Ball’ campaign, that’s something of which to be proud. She promised to clean up the way Law Ball was run. She promised that no longer would the blood of students run like a river across the floor of events hosted by the UQLS.

And you know what? She was right on the money.

The Obiter commends her for this achievement. And we hope that this run can be continued long into the future.

No undergraduate law student deserves to be brutally and violently murdered at fun events with their friends. Even if it’s an understandable consequence of the effort that goes into these events.

Definitely no more to come.

Local Woman Emerges From 3-Day Breakdown With A New Hair Colour

Last weekend, local girl Anna Stevens (21) took some time off social media to indulge in self-care. With the stress of university, work, and updating her Riverdale blog (don’t pretend like you don’t follow it, you animal) growing, it’s been important for Anna to take ‘time to herself.’

The self-care session involved the usual. You know, facials, a manicure, Netflix, Sumo salads, yoga, and everyone’s iconic favourite, sporadic hair bleaching whilst crying to Taylor Swift music.

We recommend the classic 2010 album, Speak Now, if you’re interested in trying this at home.

I mean, nothing says ‘everything is definitely OK’ like the smell of $8 L’Oreal dye from Coles, slowly killing off your last two brain cells, which were desperately trying to survive the week without the loss of any other brain cell brethren.

‘I feel like a whole new person,’ she said on her latest status, which she sent out to her 4 active Twitter followers, shortly after this genuine mental episode manifesting in a rogue self-care routine.

Seven vodka shots for you and your friends in the Valley at 11pm, before being in the Uber by 1.30am because you ‘just can’t handle it’? Expensive.

Pouring bleach and hair dye into a styrofoam cup in your bathroom at 3am? Admittedly not free, but genuinely a better time!

More to come from this uplifting tale!

'Feminism Is A Cancer,' Says Local Man Clearly Ignoring It's A Taurus

A local neckbeard with a face has today made a bold declaration that ‘feminism is a cancer.’ Not only is this ideologically dicey, but factually incorrect, given that feminism is very obviously a Taurus.

Time to replace the can of Mother with a can of astrology knowledge, buddy!

Brynden Hayesworth (23), a fifth-year Arts student (no-one has figured out how it’s taken this long), decided to share his astrologically-deficient views in a POLS tute, cleverly saying anyone who disagrees with him is ‘in denial.’

Ignoring how much this is a stock Libra move, it’s worth noting Brynden’s grasp on zodiac signs, and indeed, reality, is incredibly tenuous.

The zodiac sign Cancer, which primarily relates to humans born between June 21 and July 22, tends to gladly connect with new social contacts, but remains extremely sensitive of people not approved by their closest surroundings. No way does this accurately describe feminism, a social movement aimed at achieving equality between the sexes.

In fact, not only is it incorrect to describe feminism as a Cancer in the sense that ideological movements cannot bear zodiac signs, but if feminism was to be a zodiac sign, it would be fucking obviously be Taurus. To say otherwise is to be absolutely kidding yourself.

The ruler of Taurus is Venus, the planet of love, attraction, beauty, satisfaction, creativity and gratitude. That sounds like a healthy slice of third-wave feminism to me!

And if it’s first-wave feminism you’re after, look no further than the Taurus tendency to be practical and well-grounded, and harvesting the fruits of labour. That really does appear to strike at the heart of a basic struggle for equality.

If you’re going to weaponise the faultless science of astrology, you’d better come prepared. And that goes for those who inexplicably described the Safe Schools program as an acquired immunodeficiency virus, ignoring that educational programs can’t catch AIDs.

No more to chum.

‘I’m Just Like Kim!’ Thinks First-Year Who Got A 6 In Contracts

‘Woah. Did I just become Kim Kardashian West?’ asked thousands of Law students across Australia, as news broke recently of her enrolment in Law school.

And with last Wednesday’s tweet of ‘Aced my test btw,’ Kim has given fresh hope to all first-year students who did moderately well in their Contracts A midsem that they are, in many ways, literally ‘just like Kim.’

Sophia Fowler (19), a first-year Arts/Law student, is one of those students. MacBook, highlighters, and KeepCup in hand, Sophia can regularly be seen prowling the ground floor of the Law Library, looking to see if anyone else has done the ‘extra readings.’

‘I just don’t want to be caught out if Ryan asks a question about the extra readings,’ she stated, describing a scenario that will literally never happen.

Sophia, previously saw herself as most like fictional character Harvey Specter, can now proudly count the megastar Kardashian as the person to whom she is most similar.

‘Initially, I thought the only similarity between Kim and myself was that we were both influencers, we were both powerful #Girlbosses*, and our fathers both successfully fought for the acquittal of men who were likely murderers**,’ she informed The Obiter in an extremely public interview near the UQLS office, and then near that really slow tap near the stairs.

‘But then I realised - we both ace the heck outta Law tests!’

Sophia’s gutsy 81% in her Contracts A midsem is currently the strongest evidential link between her and Kim K, but with a challenge to the mark currently on the floor of the Senate, that 81% could become a bold 87% in just a matter of days. The country waits with bated breath.

More to come from this aggressively half-baked idea.

* Sophia runs a ‘company’ which makes charcuterie boards for her friends’ parties. It is, admittedly, fairly successful.

** This one came out of fucking nowhere. Who’s her father?