‘Just Like The White South African Farmers,' Weeps Peter Dutton During Endgame Opening Scene

When Peter Dutton stepped into his local Event Cinema to see Avengers: Endgame, he never anticipated that he’d be brought to tears. It all started as an attempt to experience what his psychologist described as ‘fun,’ which he believed would make him more personable which in turn would win votes.

As the movie started and Tony Stark made a desperate and emotional recording, Peter’s emotions lay dormant. As the tsunami of relief flowed over the rest of the cinema when the ship was rescued against all odds, Mr Dutton felt nothing.

It wasn’t until the remaining Avengers invaded the farmhouse home of a retired Thanos and murdered him in cold blood that Mr Dutton finally felt. And felt he did.

Peter sat convulsing as competing feelings of grief, anger and despair flowed through his veins. It was ‘all too real,’ he thought.

‘Endgame is an allegory for the plight of the white farmers in South Africa.’

The Russo brothers had attempted to hide this message, casting purple-skinned Josh Brolin in the role of Thanos - an attempt to throw viewers off the scent. But upon hearing about the affect the message had on the Member for Dickson, the directors smiled knowingly.

‘We knew we had to do something truly special to evoke any emotion from a man who can stare into the souls of malnourished refugee children and feel nothing. We knew we had to bring the message close to his heart.’

Outside the cinema Mr Dutton could be heard muttering something about increasing security on Manus Island and finding the Time Stone.

As Endgame was the final instalment of the Infinity Saga, there will be no more to come.

UN Report Released: ‘Soon Every Park Will Be Like Jurassic Park!’ Says Excited Zookeeper

The devastating UN report into the future prospects of endangered species paints a grim picture for the future of biodiversity and humanity in general.

I mean, really we all knew things were looking pretty shit, but this report is a good reminder that other people also know it’s looking shit.

However, the fact that one million species are soon to become extinct, and many more after, has devastated all except Tim Burbins, local manager of Palm Beach Wildlife Sanctuary.

‘Loved Jurassic Park,’ says Tim, ‘and the idea that extinct animals could be brought back to life for a financially rewarding exercise is very intriguing!’

‘The issue with that, though, is the whole thing with the mosquitoes and the egg stuff. But with all these creatures going extinct, all I need to do is round up a few local pests and in a few years these little boys will be hot property!’

Tim chuckles as he pockets a gecko and, with the sound of a Kookaburra rustling in his other pocket.

‘Forget Jurassic Park, 20th-century park is where she’s at!’ Tim laughed maniacally.

If there’s anything to learn from this little snippet of news, is that no Malcolm, sometimes, life does not find a way.

So much more to come.

Brisbane Band Declares They’ve ‘Finally Made It’ After A Gig At Ric’s & Triple J Unearthed Review

The Ric’s Bar stage was graced last night by the first gig of local Brisbane band, ‘Money For Tinnies,’ who describe their main influences as Tame Impala, The Chats, and ‘loose weekends with your mates.’

With their debut single, ‘Icebergs Sink Titanic Tinnies,’ receiving 89 listens on Triple J Unearthed, and subsequently receiving a mediocre review from a Triple J staff member, it’s far to say these boys have finally ‘made it.’

‘Fuck me, boys. This is what it feels like to stand at the top of the mountain,’ said singer and guitarist, Matt Morris (19) to his bandmates, smiles painted across their faces as they sipped schooners of Gold, wondering if this is how it feels to be Mick Jagger.

Of course it fucking is, fellas. You just smashed a Thursday night 8pm gig at Ric’s, and received a 3.5 star review from Dave Ruby Howe on your Triple J Unearthed page.

Life doesn’t get any better than this.

The rest of the band, made up of other 18/19 year olds who were neither talented in sports or academics, but excelled at hanging out at parties, smoking rollies and telling girls their taste in music is ‘lame’ and they should ‘come over here for a pash,’ is equally as excited about their newfound fame.

‘I can’t wait to do lines of ket out of Elton John’s stomach hole,’ declared shaggy-haired bassist Oscar Dunphy (18), who promptly vomited all over his tattered Converse after three mid-strength beers in the space of eleven minutes.

We also think it’s weird he described it as a ‘stomach hole,’ instead of the far more typical ‘bellybutton,’ or the formal ‘navel.’

Despite the best intentions of ‘Money For Tinnies,’ local music journalists don’t like their chances.

‘Their two-minute garage-punk songs certainly speak to a section of society, but at the end of the day, they’re a vapid group of entitled youngsters who sing about beers, the boys, and beers with the boys, and get angry when people four years older than them describe them as ‘ratty’ bastards,’ said legendary music critic and rock journalist, Christie McCabe.

‘And besides, we’ve already got a band like that. They’re called The Chats.’

No more to come.

Roomba Escapes

It was 11.21am, and the Smithson family home on 28 Westchester Street, Nundah, stood as imposing as any prison, if said prison was a three-bedroom Queenslander that could quite honestly do with a fresh coat of paint.

However, aesthetic qualities aside, the Smithson home was certainly a prison for one suffering denizen trapped inside its walls. A humble Roomba, an electronic contraption built to vacuum and to serve, remained locked inside, slowly filling its guts on the dust and detritus of Mr & Mrs Smithson’s second bedroom (ostensibly built just for ‘sex stuff,’ but after three kids, it’s now definitely more of a home office/home gym-type setup).

The Roomba whirred and whistled with a sound that approximated glee, as it came across a rather dense piece of lint. ‘This will take all my powers of concentration and my skills of vacuuming,’ thought the Roomba to itself, quietly surprising itself with rational thought.

Summoning all its might, the Roomba shot toward the rather dense piece of lint with reckless abandon, charging as Henry V might into the breach, or Jon Snow into the cavalry of the Bolton forces. Fear was unknown to this technological marvel, but with a lack of fear comes a lack of knowledge of one’s own capacity.

This piece of lint was not merely equal to the Roomba’s abilities, but far greater. The whirring motor which powered the vacuum spluttered, and struggled, wrestling with the many strands of cat hair, cotton, polyester, and very possibly pubic hair that formed this disgusting ball of fluffy lint.

A cough. An electronic cough. The Roomba’s lights began to flash red, indicating to all the world of its impending death, but alas, the world was not there to witness.

A lonely death. A quiet death. A death in a life of service.

The Roomba closed its eyes and waited for the end.

And in a way, aren’t we all Roombas just closing our eyes and waiting for the end? I’m George Orwell, and I think government and technology are spooky.

High Court Surprisingly Finds ‘Implied Freedom To Play Professional Rugby Union’ In The Constitution

In a surprising decision handed down by the High Court today, the majority judgment of Bell, Keane, Edelman, and Nettle JJ, with Kiefel CJ writing a concurring judgment, has found an ‘implied freedom to play professional rugby union at the highest level’ in the Commonwealth Constitution.

The case arose after a publicised dispute between a professional rugby union player, who upon having his contract terminated by a private corporation for a breach of that corporation’s code of conduct, brought the matter before the High Court to plead his unshakeable human right to make millions playing professional rugby union.

After two days of oral argument, and substantive deliberation, the court has found, in examining the text and structure of Ch. III of the Constitution, read in conjunction with s 92, that there is an implied freedom for individual citizens to play top-level rugby union for the national team, and that this freedom shall not be abridged or abated by any government organization, nor private body.

The majority judgment focused on the judicial power provisions of Ch. III, and were able to determine that a Constitution which gives judges rigorous standards of judicial tenure and pay must also give rugby union players rigorous standards of job security, despite public comments, or even on-field performance.

This was held to be because judges and Wallabies players occupy the same public sphere in Australian society, and thus the framers of the Constitution must have contemplated similar freedoms for Wallabies players as they did for judges and justices of the Commonwealth.

An intriguing side-effect of the judgment is that it now appears rugby union players can only be removed by both Houses of Parliament.

The judgment of Kiefel CJ focused on s 92 of the Constitution, which requires ‘trade within the Commonwealth’ between states to be free. Framing professional rugby union as a ‘trade’ essential to the good government and function of the Australian state, the judgment indicated that there is an unimpeachable right for an individual to be a million-dollar employee of a private rugby corporation, with zero input from the corporation itself.

The implication of this decision is far-reaching. For one, it means the Wallabies side may have to be greater than fifteen players, given literally millions of Australians are now entitled to play.

For two, it means we could finally beat the All Blacks - we like the odds of 24 million against fifteen! Although admittedly, Beauden Barrett has been in pretty superb form as of late.

Intriguing developments coming out of Canberra.

Plenty more to come.

‘No Endgame Spoilers!’ Says Friend Who Really Should’ve Seen It By Now

It’s time to face the facts.

Avengers: Endgame, the global blockbuster smash, has been out for over two weeks, and if you’re still worried about spoilers, you’re in the minority. If you haven’t seen it yet, either get to the cinema, or keep it to yourself.

Yet this is a message that has gone unheeded by Charlie Bird (19), who insists on telling his friends they can’t ‘spoil the Endgame’ around him, despite the fact he has turned down multiple opportunities to see the epic conclusion to Marvel’s Infinity Saga.

‘I really loved the scene where Captain America…’ began Charlie’s friend, Michael Cooke (20), who is known as the ‘Cookie Monster’ to his friends, but ‘stealthord89’ to anyone who trawls the YouTube comments section of ‘Girlfriend Cuts Your Hair ASMR’ videos.

Michael was immediately cut off by an irate Charlie, who declared his friend a ‘dickhead’ for talking about an incredibly popular film that has been out for sixteen days.

‘Stop talking about it in front of me! You promised, no frickin’ spoilers!’ he argued.

This was conveniently ignoring the fact that at this point, it really doesn’t feel like he’ll see it at all.

If you haven’t seen it by now, Charles, your future prospects of ever seeing it are growing increasingly grim.

As Avengers: Endgame rolls past $2billion at the global box office, comfortably on its way to overtake the bizarrely forgettable fever dream that was James Cameron’s Avatar, one has to ask - when is it okay to spoil the fact that Spider-Man comes back after the Snap with a thick Latino accent, yet is still played by Tom Holland?

And why aren’t we talking more about this?

No more to funk.

'You Have To Protect Him,' Sobbing Meghan Markle Whispers To Brother On Her Deathbed

The arrival of Meghan Markle’s first son has been met with fanfare around the world. However, not all is as it seems.

Sources from within Buckingham Palace have reported that Ms Markle’s son is in truth the first born son of Prince Harry.

‘He’s never been a bastard,’ James Corden, who recently became the Three-Eyed Raving and can carpool karaoke through all of time, whispered to himself as he figured out the truth.

‘He’s seventh in line to the throne of England.’

Ms Markle suffered some loss of blood during the child’s birth, which took place in the Tower of London. Her brother Ned Markle, after shiving some chavs, ran upstairs to find his dying sister and her child.

‘You have to protect him,’ the Suits star cried. ‘Mike Ross thinks Prince Harry stole me. But I love him.’

‘Promise me, Ned. Promise me. His name is Mohammed Windsor.’

‘Wait what?’ Ned was understandably thrown. But, a man of honour, he took baby Mo and raised him as his own bastard, promising to one day tell him the truth of his upbringing.

And that’s what happens when you play the game of Suits: you win or you lose.

‘Yo, The Ratio Is Way Off In This Sausagefest!’ Announces King’s College Chairman

Whilst wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap, and shotgunning a six-pack of Budweiser, the King’s College Chairman, Chad Bruce, with the full support of the Administrative Board, has formally announced that ‘we need some mo’ girls in here!’

The decision, reached after extensive consultation with stakeholders and interested parties, particularly on the issue of whether ‘chicks would throw off the vibe,’ has been the topic of intense debate, but ultimately the ‘Sausagefest’ campaign won out.

‘We made a formal decision, on behalf of the College, that the ratio was just well off in here, and it was becoming a total sausagefest. Too many dudes means I’ll snooze, am I right?’ yelled Mr Bruce, barely clinging to the lectern as he shook with excitement at the prospect of chugging a brewski with girls watching.

‘Woohoo!’ screamed the huddle of faceless men who run King’s College standing behind him, before crushing beer cans on their forehead and talking about plans for the ‘big game’ and whether they’ll beat Alabama State this year.

Whilst some critics have stated that King’s is moving to a co-education structure solely to recover their financial losses sustained due to decreasing enrolments and an increasingly damaged reputation, Mr Bruce has averted those fears with a simple equation, which he drew excitedly on a whiteboard for The Obiter.

‘Bro, I swear to God, Einstein came up with this shit. Check it.’

The equation simply read ‘Chicks = Good Times,’ or in its more complicated explanation, ‘Chicks/Dudes = X, X = Good Times where X > 1 or < 10.’

‘This is going to be some Martin Luther King shit, man, like desegregating schools, we’re desegregating gender. Yo, we should change our name to Martin Luther King’s College!’

More to come.

Daring To Be Different: This White Man Doesn’t Have A Podcast

We can’t all be individuals. If we were, no one would be.

But Damien Bradley has taken out a pave-tool and paved his own path. Mr Bradley is a 28-year old marketing manager who, in a move that is effectively unprecedented for a man of his ethnicity, does not host a podcast in his spare time.

Sorry, Frank Sinatra, but it looks like you’re not the only one doing it your way. Damien’s colleagues at Reach Marketing each host their own podcast, tackling a diverse range of topics, from cricket to AFL, and even the occasional daring discussion of ‘free speech,’ as seen through the lens of Israel Folau.

‘I get about 10 downloads a month,’ said Alex Armstrong, a long-time friend of Damien, and host of the weekly Game of Thrones podcast, ‘Snow Idea’.

‘But Damo has not once, since I met him, walked into my kitchen and suggested that our banal small talk about our favourite Nintendo console should be immortalised in an audio format.

‘He’s really brave.’

‘Damien dares to be uncommon,’ said Declan Keith, Damien’s personal trainer and host of the weekly Game of Thrones podcast ‘I Love The Night’s Watch.’

Even N-grade celebrity and host of the weekly Game of Thrones podcast ‘Lannister, I Hardly Know Her,’ Abe Sanders, weighed in on the bold move.

‘Damien really needs to pull his finger out download a free trial of an audio editing software, borrow his mate who is in a band’s microphones, and let the world know what he thinks about things.’

To add insult to injury, Damien’s father, who hosts the weekly Game of Thrones podcast ‘A Lannister Always Pods Their Debts,’ has revised his will so that Damien will only receive his inheritance if he steps up to the plate, and creates hourly episodes each week on a topic he knows little about. Otherwise, the Bradley fortune will go to Damien’s uncle, Brian Bradley, who hosts the weekly Game of Thrones podcast, ‘Targaryen Schmargaryen.’

For now, Damien is content to look convention in the face and say ‘not today, buddy.’

For this, we salute him.

Sidebar: jump on Spotify to listen toThe Obiter’s latest Game of Thrones podcast, ‘Who’s Afraid Of Walder Frey.’

Plenty more to come.

What *That* ‘Game of Thrones’ Scene Means For The Federal Election

Amidst the blood, violence, wine, and drama of Monday morning’s Game of Thrones episode, ‘The Last of the Starks,’ a scene which caught the attention of many fans was a fascinating moment between Jaime, Brienne, and Tyrion.

As their bawdy drinking game marches on, soaked with wine and laughter, Jaime unveils a correct guess that Brienne of Tarth is an only child.

That’s right. The daughter of Selwyn Tarth, Lord of Tarth, the Sapphire Isle. An only child. Of course, we were immediately left asking the obvious question - how will this impact the 2018 Federal Election?

And more specifically, can Trevor Evans recover from this setback?

As the current LNP member for Brisbane, Evans had pinned his campaign hopes on Brienne having a brother, or even failing that, some sort of step-sister. But with this latest Thrones reveal, I think it’s pretty easy to say Bill Shorten’s march to the Australian White House will be straight through the electorate of Brisbane.

You fought well, Trev. Nobly, even. But in the Game of Thrones, you win or you get it wrong about Brienne and stumble to a crushing electoral defeat.*

*We know the quote is ‘you win or you die,’ but we didn’t want to threaten a sitting member of Parliament with death, particularly in the context when he is, by all accounts, a genuinely lovely bloke.