Report: 3-Day Bender Tastes Better Than Skinny Feels

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, or so goes the notorious saying by Nobel Prize winning physicist, Kate Moss. However, in a surprising turn of events, a team of UQ researchers with clearly nothing better to do have just released a study that has scientifically disproved this statement.

We don’t know how you can ‘scientifically’ disprove some bizarre motto which was meant to encourage people to feel guilty about every food choice they’ve made, but go off sis.

‘So yeah turns out vodka, especially of the lukewarm kind, tastes a lot better than a six pack. I once licked my mate’s stomach and honestly it was kind of fucking gross,’ a representative of the research team announced.

Thank god for that, because at 68 calories per shot, it fucking better. And we’ve got to ask, who at Smirnoff decided to make it 68 calories? Because 69 calories would have just been so objectively funny.

The researchers continued in their pretty hungover announcement. ‘And across the course of a 3-day bender, a long weekend of stone-cold murdering brain cells, there were moments when we all fell a hell of a lot better than skinny feels.’

However, the researchers conveniently ignored the results of their Tuesday morning commute to work after their bender, where they felt so depressed and so lacking in serotonin that they honestly began to consider listening to Joe Rogan through their AirPods.

Regardless of Moss’ bold attempts to convince people that skinny feels good, this brave pack of researchers have conclusively shown that brain-altering chemicals that make you feel better tend to, in a twist that’s surprised no-one, make you feel better.

So drink that next vodka cranberry, and follow it down with a side of another vodka soda. You’ve earned it, Australia. Particularly you, Mr Scott Morrison (we know you’re reading this).

No more to come.

BREAKING NEWS: The JUGGLER’S Come Out At BROOKY

In a shock turn of events, a 2000 NRL match at Brookvale Oval between the Northern Eagles and the Brisbane Broncos has been rudely interrupted by the appearance of a juggling clown recovering his own chip and passing to a gleeful Daniel Gartner to slide under the black dot.

Local magician Andrew King, who close friends say “should be put in a circus” has been revealed as the culprit.

Onlookers were disappointed by the field invasion, as they came to watch a rugby league match, not a bloody magic show.

Police investigators say they had run out of leads to determine who had committed the crime when a young up and coming detective by the name of Ray Warren declared, “WHAT ABOUT ANDREW KING?”

Great work, Rabs. Thank you for your service.

More to come on this brilliant concept.

UQ Law Awards Give ‘Best Original Score’ To Bag Of Coke First-Year Lecturer Scored For The Night

The UQ Law Awards are a hallowed event in Australia’s society calendar, celebrating the greatest achievements in art, culture, and indeed, law. With the big players of the TC Beirne School of Law donning their tuxedos and evening gowns, the red carpet is littered with nervous grins and uncertain energy.

Who would take out Best Actor? Would it be Jason Chin, who reportedly spent years in Canada to hone his craft in readiness for the role of ‘creepy tutor’?

Would it be Rick Bigwood, who had to adapt his native Jamaican accent to a New Zealand one when asked to play ‘Bald Kiwi,’ in ‘Contracts 2,’ the less well-received sequel to ‘Contracts 1’?

Or would it be Andreas Schloenhardt, who will be leaving the faculty at the end of the year to play Moby in a film about Natalie Portman.

But as the night grew on, and the tension grew even more palpable, one winner soon became immediately obvious.

It looked like the ‘Best Original Score’ category would barely be competitive, as an incredible score of two bags of coke for the night was immediately reaping dividends. It wasn’t immediately clear who had scored the bags, but suspicions fell upon a few very talkative first-year lecturers.

Best Original Score has historically been awarded to scores that get your heart rate rising, make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end, and dilate your pupils. With this framework in mind, it seems the illicit cocaine scored from a dealer in West End who you have to stay and chat to, is an absolute shoo-in.

As if an evening of law awards and serious academic discussion could be made more interesting, the presence of the two small black ziploc bags really amped things up, and became the obvious leader for the prestigious ‘Best Original Score.’

Few could begrudge it when the award was announced, and as the triumphant award music played, a presently-unknown lecturer charged on stage with reckless abandon to begin a thank-you speech that was described as ‘surprisingly tender,’ ‘compassionate,’ and ‘can we get in on this?’

The other nominees for Best Original Score smiled on the outside, but clearly they felt pretty defeated. Russell Hinchy had gone to all the effort to score two lukewarm Furphys for the night, only to find out it was an open bar! And poor Mark Burdon went to all the effort to score a better job at QUT, and still didn’t win Best Original Score!

More to come from our boots-on-the-ground reporters at the UQ Law Awards. If it happens, you’ll hear it first from us.

Take Home Exam Looks Suspiciously Like An Assignment

‘That’s odd,’ said UQ law students across TCB this week as they opened PDFs of their various take home exams.

‘I could swear this looks just like an assignment. Weird!’

The confusion was reportedly unanimous. Warnings about sneaky, 2500-word assignments masquerading as cute little baby take home exams have been circulated across the university for week.

These imposters, The Obiter has learned, make outrageously false claims such as ‘you will not need to perform extensive research’ or ‘you will not require the full 7 days to complete this task.’

‘Students need to be very careful,’ warned Bodger the Seat Detective, working outside of his jurisdiction for this particularly pressing case.

‘You might think you’ve opened up your laptop and met a cool, chill take home, when in reality you are walking into the trap of a task requiring more work than an assignment you’d usually be given three weeks to complete.

The Obiter has gathered a series of tips from investigators to assist identifying assignments:

• Two separate questions requiring word counts that would usually warrant one whole assignment: don’t move – that’s an assignment.

• An essay question centred around an area of the course that has legit 3-4 slides dedicated to it: don’t move – that’s an assignment.

• Crying into a cold cup of tea at 3am listening to the Endgame soundtrack over a task that is supposedly meant to mirror a 90-minute display of knowledge in a group setting: don’t move – that’s definitely an assignment.

At press time, only the Asian Legal Systems take home has been accurately identified as an actual take home exam.

More to come.

Labor Unveil Plan To Win Back Queensland Voters With #StopAdani Interpretive Dance At The Powerhouse

With an eye on reconnecting with Queensland voters following Saturday’s disastrous election loss in which the party was swept away across much of the state, the Australian Labor Party National Executive have unveiled today a powerful new plan to design, cast and direct a bold and provocative avant-garde anti-Adani interpretive dance performance to play at Powerhouse in New Farm for three exclusive nights this June.

The dance performance, featuring a troupe of silent, malnourished ballet dancers contorting themselves under harsh red lights to represent Earth’s apocalyptic post-global warming future, will seek to re-connect with Queensland voters and their progressive political concerns.

A special guest appearance by popular political commentator and Young Australian Muslim of the Year, Yassmin Abdel-Magied, will highlight Labor’s renewed commitment to the heartland and understanding Queensland voters.

In an exclusive for The Obiter, National Secretary Noah Carroll discussed the plan with us.

‘We’re hoping to make up the ground we lost with Queensland voters this election, in which we won just one seat between the Brisbane River and Cape York, by introducing them to brave, experimental art that will force them to critically reflect on their fucking stupid dumb-cunt vote on the weekend. God, I fucking hate the general public.’

Tickets will start at $450 per night, and the show will be marketed towards the close-minded, backwards and parochial Queenslanders that voted against their own direct interests on Saturday.

Labor have not yet confirmed whether Greens Councillor Jono Sri will appear in a show of left wing unity to deliver a spoken word poem in that fucking scarf he always wears.

More to come.

One Woman Project Shocked By Revelation There’s Actually 3 Billion Women

‘Hang on, what? There’s more than one? Well, this is a blow to our organisation’s name, that’s for sure,’ said Stephen McGuire (27), a ninth-year Arts student and a program leader for the One Woman Project.

The One Woman Project, founded in 2013, is a crucial organisation that seeks provide youth-oriented education about global gender issues. And it’s particularly admirable, given they believe there is only ‘one woman.’

For an organisation to fight so hard for gender equality, when they believe there is only one person from the other gender, is an example of courage and bravery the likes of which have only previously been seen on the Western Front, or maybe during Avengers: Endgame. But today, members of the One Woman Project are absolutely reeling from the shocking revelation that there’s actually like, well over three billion women in the world.

‘I’m speechless, to be honest,’ said Matilda Maddison (20), a second-year Commerce student who bizarrely didn’t think of herself as the ‘one woman.’

‘I’d always heard rumours that there was more than one woman, but I didn’t dare believe it.’

‘It just completely changes the scope of our organization,’ said McGuire in an exclusive interview with The Obiter. ‘Now, we can advocate for billions of people worldwide. Previously, we thought we were just doing this on behalf of one extremely grateful woman.’

Our investigation team found it difficult to establish just who the organisation’s members meant when they referred to the ‘one woman,’ but after tireless effort, we were able to weasel an answer out of Matilda.

‘Well, it’ll sound stupid now,’ she said, walking out of BBC where a group of Year 10s who will happily share nudes without consent, and call women ‘sluts’ to their faces, have just signed a pledge of commitment to equal pay between the genders.

‘But I always thought the one woman was Whoopi Goldberg. And I thought it was weird we didn’t hear from her more, given our whole organisation was about promoting her, the One Woman. It’s why we had our Sister Act fundraiser in New Farm Park.’

Regardless, the members of this organisation now have a spring in their step, knowing there’s actually billions of women worldwide. Stephen McGuire was last seen skipping off to a GPS school, ready to tell a room full of would-be date rapists that ‘yo, consent is cool,’ and ‘if she says no, then you say oh, I respect that, that’s lit, fam.’

More to come from this fascinating revelation - it’ll be big when the Salvation Army finds out the Salvation War ended in 1978.

‘That’ll Do It!’ Thinks Tony Abbott Basing Election Strategy on ‘The Producers’

‘Surely that’s done it,’ thought former Prime Minister Tony Abbott as he put the finishing touches on his plan.

The Warringah member’s election strategy developed late last year. Growing tired of unfair coverage of his unblemished record, Abbott decided to hit the surf for a thinky. Though, after getting stung on his massive ding dong by a unionist jellyfish, the ex-PM decided to settle on the couch and watch a movie instead.

It was then that his gay lesbian sister recommended her favourite.

‘Let’s watch The Producers.’

Tony, well aware that musicals were for gaybies, was too exhausted from the CMFEU’s targeted jelly attack to fight back.

As the credits of Mel Brooks’ satirical masterpiece rolled, Abbott sat in stunned silence. This was it. This was the strategy.

‘The Producers’ involved a plot concocted by Max Bialystock to intentionally produce a terrible flop of a show in order to avoid auditing of investments. The goal was to create the worst show ever made and escape from the trappings of Broadway.

Abbott promptly adopted this strategy for his re-election campaign. If he could run the worst possible campaign he would be able to escape politics, collect his generous retirement package, and avoid a thorough auditing of his campaign’s finances.

The plan was going well. Abbott had drafted former popular Olympian and barrister Zali Steggall to run against him, promising to buy her an ice-cream if she beat him. He then made sure to highlight his role in the toppling of Malcolm Turnbull, before acting like an absolute cooked unit at primary schools. ‘You think I like onions? Fuck no. I’m not the Grinch,’ Abbott wrote in his secret scheme diary, that The Obiter found left on Sydney’s northern beaches.

However, despite his efforts, Abbott is still considered an outside chance to retain his seat. ‘Time for the nuclear option,’ Abbott whispered to a lifesaving mannequin he keeps in his shower.

Late last night, Abbott snuck into the home of beloved Aussie icon Bob Hawke and smothered him with a list of his legislative accomplishments. Hawke easily survived that, so Abbott drowned him in a bathtub of sunscreen. ‘Tax that, Bobert,’ Abbott snarled.

Abbott ran home in an impressive 21.2 minutes, before quickly jumping on his Twitter to seal the deal.

‘Libby libby heart, Labby head,’ Tony scrawled onto his PC (Macs are gay). Pressing enter and sitting back with a smile of relief, Abbott knew that this genius move, on election eve, would ensure that his Producers arc was complete.

‘Springtime for Tony,’ he laughed.

‘Springtime for Tony.’

No more to come.

'This Ain't It Hun, X' Found To Be Most Devastating Weapon In The Left-Wing Political Arsenal

Brisbane City reverberated today with a blast that rocked this river town to its very foundations of blood, sweat, and XXXX fucking Gold.

Someone had just dropped a bomb.

But not a bomb of shrapnel, or a bomb of compressed gases which explode. Someone just dropped a god-damn truth bomb. And it didn’t come in the form of a well-reasoned argument, or an explanation, or any sort of enlightening, illuminating evidence.

It came in the most dangerous phrase in the English language. The phrase that turns the brave and courageous into the meek and reticent, and the phrase that turns men into boys, and #girlbosses into everyday women.

In the middle of a heated conversation on Twitter, Brisbane pedestrian.tv contributor and Labor volunteer, Red Hill’s Laura Schicofske hit back to an admittedly bizarre point about why Pete Buttigieg is the kid from Stuart Little grown up with the most devastating weapon the world has ever seen.

‘This ain’t it hun, x.’

Woah.

Put away the nuclear weapons, Richard Nixon. Or should I say, put away the strongest tool in your political arsenal, miscellaneous left-wing person on Twitter.

As the argument rages on, a city tries to forget. The sharp simplicity of ‘this ain’t it,’ screaming to the reader that this simply isn’t it.

The faux-familiarity of ‘hun,’ which hides a deep undercurrent of aggression.

And to cap it all off, the cherry on top of the sundae of this rhetorical grenade, the single letter ‘x.’ Such meaning. Such power. Never forget this day.

No more to come at all, ever.

'Greens In The Senate, Libs In The House!' Says Woman Who Doesn't Want Noosa Beach House Underwater In 2027

‘Yeah, I care about climate change, but sensible economic management is crucial too,’ said Sarah Huntington-Lee (37), a young business superstar with an unparalleled passion for social liberalism and economic conservatism. Sarah, who serves as both the CFO and CEO of her own management consulting firm, ‘SHL,’ is a proud eco-conservative, or as others would put it, ‘a genuine hypocrite.’

At the ballot box at Graceville State School, Sarah was stuck with the unenviable task of having to balance her honestly-held belief in the importance of climate action, along with her deeply-held beliefs that the Liberal Party are just better economic managers.

‘Plus, those sweaty Labor hacks are from unions, and unions are practically the devil,’ thought Sarah as he filled out her ballot, remembering the wise words of her father, who described unions as ‘lazy bums’ and ‘fuckwits,’ all the while enjoying a 5-day work week and the ability to take a sick day.

All this manifested in Sarah’s delectable final decision. Tugging on her frayed Ralph Lauren sweater, with fresh tumeric latte flowing through her veins, she knew what was right.

‘Greens in the Senate, Liberals in the House!’ she exclaimed in an exclusive post-vote interview with The Obiter.

‘Bill Shorten can’t get his hands on my Noosa beach house, but I also don’t want said beach house to be flooded by seawater and rotting fish carcasses when climate change inevitably comes knocking on the door. So my vote makes perfect sense!’

Ignoring the raw hypocrisy in her decision, Sarah walked with a spring in her step to Goodness Gracious Cafe at Graceville, to meet with her friends and discuss the issues of the day, whilst avoiding the gaze of the cafe worker who almost certainly voted for Bill and his penalty rates.

‘I just don’t think you deserve extra for working on a Sunday,’ she told us, before we made up an excuse to leave and go watch John Wick 3 (joke’s on her though, it’s a sick movie).

Intriguing. We’ll have to follow the adventures of this eco-Tory more closely!

More to come.

Perspective: I’m Young, I Voted Liberal, And I Did It Because My Dad Told Me To

On Sunday morning, many Australians found themselves staring into their morning coffee wondering at what point the Labor Party lost the unlosable election. Unless you were a Greens voter, in which case your morning tumeric latte was vocally moaning about the electoral return of ‘ScoMo’!

Betting agencies had paid in favour of a Labor win days in advance, and even the Liberal leader called the election win a ‘miracle.’ And as a Pentecostal Christian, Mr Morrison knows a thing or two about miracles.

I am a young, female, Victorian, inner city dweller, but I made the decision to give my vote to the Liberal Party, as I have since the 2013 election, the first time I voted. I walked to the ballot box proud, with a smile on my face, glad to be participating in the democratic process and making my unique voice heard.

However, the elation I experienced on Sunday morning over the Liberal win was short-lived. According to social media, I am scared, uneducated, a bigot, should be ashamed, have condemned this planet to burn, pathetic, not a feminist, probably hate gays, hate minorities, and probably want to stop women having access to abortions.

Of course, none of this is true. I simply voted how my Dad told me to vote.

I’m not a bigot, I just listen to my father, Mark, who is a senior executive with KPMG and has a ‘good business head’ on his shoulders. Who wouldn’t listen to a legend like that?

Wandering around the streets of Melbourne, I was sad that many people saw Liberal voters as a negative influence on this country. Not all of us are actually right wing – some of us simply vote according to how our wealthy parents tell us to vote.

I would like our nation to take a collective deep breath and hear me out, please. I would like to remind Australians that some of us have a father who works for KPMG, and a mother that works as a periodontist, that support us through our Commerce studies at the University of Melbourne, with an unspoken arrangement whereby we receive weekly bank transfers of $550 that we both pretend does not occur.

We who voted for the Coalition did not vote out of fear, nor naivety, bigotry or anger. Rather, we voted with our parents, because what is in their economic interest is ultimately in ours. considering we rely on them for subsidies.

We voted with our parents in the hope that by pleasing them, they would be proud of us and tell us that they loved us.

Labor supporters, I am sorry you were left blindsided and heartbroken. But here’s one for you - get some better parents. They will show you the way.

‘Rip it, lick it, stick it. Listen to your ‘rents. Never forget the Northern Beaches.’ The LNP slogan for their 2019 campaign was far more insightful than they ever truly realised.

More to come from my perspective.